Trump: ‘Lyin’ Ted’ Behind Castro ‘Death’

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President-elect Donald Trump accused his formal rival for the Republican presidential nomination, Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas, of ordering the “hit” that ended the life of long-time Cuba dictator Fidel Castro at age 90. “The body language of my intelligence analysts makes it clear beyond any doubt that the senator from Texas is behind the death of Castro,” Trump said in a meeting at his transition headquarters in Trump Tower in New York City.

Trump said his company had been planning to build a luxury hotel in Havana for several years, and that plan is going forward. “We have great relations with Raul Castro,” he said, referring to the brother of Fidel Castro, who has been running Cuba on a day-to-day basis for several years. “He wants to move forward. He views this as an important project for his country. A huge project. And we’re going to build it. Lots of jobs for Cubans. That’s good for their country and good for the United States, because we don’t want Cuba to stay communist. We want it to become great again like the United States. I love the Cuban people.”

In a statement, Cruz denied any involvement in Castro’s death and said his father had nothing to do with it, either. “I’m insulted and offended by the remarks of our president-elect, who I expect to exercise more discretion in his public remarks,” he said. “Nevertheless, I continue to support our president-elect and would still like to serve in his cabinet.”

A spokesperson for the U.S. State Department said it doesn’t know anything about Trump’s hotel plans but it should be okay. “We’re looking into it,” the spokesperson said. “A nice hotel in Havana would not be a bad thing. Our diplomatic relationship with the country was liberalized last year, so we expect to see more business deals like this between our two countries. Hopefully the food will be better, too. If our new president can up the game in Cuba as it enters this new phase, that would be a good thing. There’s no denying that.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): mv, pd (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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