President-elect Donald Trump said at a press conference this morning that, during his 18-month campaign for office, he weakened the very foundations on which American democracy rests. He questioned the legitimacy of President Obama, threatened not to accept the election results if they didn’t go his way, denigrated the judicial system, insulted his opponents, and tacitly endorsed racist, bigoted, and misogynistic views. Even so, he’ll he a good leader of the very institutions he tried to undermine.
“I had to get to this point first,” he told reporters at the press conference. “I didn’t want to pull the rug out from underneath our democracy, but how else was I going to win? Believe me, it makes it that much harder for me to govern now that I’m here. But I had to do what I had to do.”
Trump said he couldn’t have tapped the wellspring of anger among disenfranchised, working-class voters throughout the country had he not dispensed with decorum and undermined the country’s democratic foundation. “Believe me, Ted Cruz would have been the nominee had I not upended our most cherished notions about ourselves,” he said. “No one would have been happy if he had been our nominee. They don’t even like him in Texas that much. What else could I have done?”
Now that the campaign is over and he’s preparing to lead the very institutions he denigrated, he acknowledged his view has changed, because he now sees the immensity of the task before him. “When people start rioting. it’ll be my responsiblity to stop it without further inflaming things,” he said. “It’s not going to be easy. I’m the one who made it okay to disrespect everybody and everything. Not smart. But I’ll try to pretend I didn’t crap on everything I’m now trying to govern. I’d ask you to wish me luck but you’re probably laughing up your sleeve. Sad—for me.”
This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photo: mg, gs (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of image.
President-elect Donald Trump said he appreciates the gracious concession call he received from his Democratic opponent, Hillary Clinton, after the results of their bitter presidential contest were finalized. But he also said he wouldn’t have extended the same courtesy to her had he won the popular vote but lost the electoral college the way she did. “’What a rigged system!’ is how I would have put it,” Trump said in an interview on Fox News this morning. “To win more votes than the other candidate and still lose the election? Of course I would have accused the system of being rigged. Who wouldn’t? Hillary Clinton wouldn’t, that’s who. And I appreciate that.” More.
With all signs pointing to a historic drop in the stock market should he win election, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has begun calling the crash the “Obama Crash,” which he says is due to the country’s anemic growth under the Democratic president. “This crash, when it happens, will be the fault of Hillary Clinton’s president, because he never got the economy growing when he was in the White House,” Trump said today at a rally in Altoona, Pa. “The guy was a community organizer. He couldn’t get the economy growing after he crashed the economy eight years ago. We shouldn’t be surprised, folks. We saw this coming.” More.
With Donald Trump nearing the presidency, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, and former House Speaker Newt Gingrich have lined up to collect the cabinet posts for which they’ve sold their souls, and there’s disagreement over how the spoils should be divided up. Christie says he should be given the Attorney General post, but Gingrich says he wouldn’t mind having that. Giuliani says he could take that post, too. Giuliani says he’d also like to have Secretary of Defense, and Gingrich says he’d be okay with that if he can have Secretary of State. “I have the stature for it,” Gingrich says. Plus, it would put him fourth in line for the presidency should Trump get food poisoning at one of his hotel restaurants and die. More.
After what they call eight years of failed American foreign policy by the Obama administration, House Republican leaders say it’s time to spin off the country’s diplomacy and statesmanship to the private sector. “The United States was built by our world-leading companies,” House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) said at a press conference in the Capitol this morning. “The government doesn’t build Chevrolets. General Motors does. The country doesn’t make computers. Apple does. Today, it’s time to unleash our private sector on our foreign policy and do what our government has never been able to do: create peace and prosperity around the world.” Under the plan Ryan and other leaders unveiled, the heads of GM, AT&T, Citibank, and other multinational corporations would work with leaders of countries around the world to replace war with peace and confrontation with cooperation. More.
Not waiting to get into the White House to exercise his unique brand of Twitter diplomacy, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump late last night wondered aloud if Germany’s chancellor, Angela Merkel, and his Democratic opponent, Hillary Clinton, get their pantsuit ideas from the same JC Penney catalog. “I notice it’s not a catalogue Melania has laying around on her nightstand,” he said. “Maybe there’s a reason for that. Does Victoria Secret make sizes big enough for them? I doubt it!” He also called North Korea’s launch of a ballistic missile from a submarine two weeks ago a “pathetic” attempt to be relevant in the global arena and said it makes the country’s leader, Kim Jong-un, look “small and sad.” Trump also revisited one of his favorite topics about China—its currency manipulation—by condemning the International Monetary Fund for adding the Yuan to its list of reserve currencies. “Just like it manipulates its currency, China has manipulated the losers at the IMF,” he said. More.
Russian president Vladimir Putin says he’s enjoying the positive coverage he’s getting from the endorsement of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump but he doesn’t want to give the impression his success is all about his leadership skills; it helps to be an authoritarian, he says. Putin says he could never work his will if he couldn’t jail critics or have them killed, which takes care of a lot of opposition. He also takes advantage of a rubber-stamp legislative body and gets to set the terms of his election, which is better than running campaign ads, even if they’re good ones. “Truth be told, it helps to do what you want without checks and balances,” he says. “Sure, I’m a good leader. I’m strong. But at the end of the day, I never lose sight of the real source of my strength: my authoritarianism.” More.
Former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein came back from the dead today to throw some shade at Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump for praising the 82 percent approval rating of Russian president Vlaidmir Putin. “Eighty-two percent! I snort at that!” said Hussein, who was executed by the Federal Government of Iraq in 2006, when he was 69. “My Revolutionary Command Council would have had a good laugh if I had run my country as a strongman with only an 82 percent approval, I can tell you that, my friend!” Hussein said a strong leader should never have anything under 100 percent approval, and he pointed to his impressive 111 percent approval rating when he asked his people in a poll what they thought of his job performance in 2003, shortly before an international coalition of forces invaded his country and forced him into hiding. “I am not a sentimental person, but I shed a tear at the love of my people on that day,” said Hussein. More.
Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump acknowledged he plans to govern as a dictator but he wanted to reassure voters that he would make decisions in the interests of the country. “When I curb the press, it wont be to hurt America, it will be to make America stronger,” he said. “If I let the press criticize everything I do—and they will, because they’re totally dishonest—I can’t get anything done. I want to get things done, so I have to curb the press. But we’ll still have some free press. We’ll keep the good ones. It won’t be entirely gone.” Trump promised to take a firmer hand on how cases get settled in the courts. “Right now our courts are a disaster,” he said. “We have cases backlogged. Why do we use juries as much as we do? Especially if the person is guilty. Let’s get these guilty criminals directly into jail and save he courts for when we really need them.” More.
Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, fresh from his dramatic trip to Mexico to discuss immigration policy, said he would allow Angélica Rivera, the wife of Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto, into the country if she wants to come. “We would make an exception for her, absolutely, and I told her that when I was in Mexico,” Trump said at a campaign stop in Albuquerque, N.M. “I told her I’ll have a car ready for her anytime she wants to come. She has my number. She said she’d like to see Trump Tower. I said I’d like to show it to her.” Rivera, 47, an actress and model before she became Mexico’s First Lady, was born in Mexico City. She has been married to Peña Nieto since 2010. Trump’s trip to Mexico has generated a considerable amount of analysis. In Mexico, he appeared to take a conciliatory approach to the country, but that appeared to change in a major address he gave in Phoenix that night. More.
The U.S. economy grew by a meager 1.1 percent last quarter and economists are laying the blame on Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, whose statements, they say, are driving people to the Internet almost on an hourly basis to read news stories or watch video about him to the detriment of their jobs. “The work of our country is simply not getting done,” says Albert Strauss, associate director of quantitative analysis for the Reichman Institute of Economics at the University of Pennsylvania. “Emails are not getting sent, reports are not getting written, mathematical equations are not getting solved while people read about the rift between Trump and the GOP leadership or watch a video about Trump insulting a mother.” More.
A major study from Harvard University finds that men’s inability to charm women—that is, talk them into consensual relationships by being witty, empathetic, and responsive to communication signals—is the single biggest cause of violence in America. “If men would just learn how to talk to women, the amount of sexual frustration in this country would decrease dramatically and the violence that comes with that—violence against women but also violence against society—would decrease as well,” says Jeffrey Lane, a senior professor of sociology at Harvard and the lead author of the report. “We’ve been wrong saying money is the root of all evil; sexual frustration is the root of all evil.” According to the report, called “More Screwing, Less Shooting,” even violence committed in the name of religion ultimately stems from men’s sexual frustration, because few men would turn to religious fanaticism if they could “just date hot chicks once in a while,” the report says. “We need to get men off the sidelines, pouting about being losers, and onto the bar stool next to a hot woman.” More.
Katie Peterson, an insurance adjuster who considers herself a naturalist and enjoys going to beaches and other places where she can be outside without her clothes on, says she sometimes wonders what the hell she’s doing. “When we were living in caves and fending off saber-toothed tigers, we couldn’t wait to invent clothes,” she says, “and here I am taking my clothes off. Am I a complete whack job?” Thoughts like that don’t occur often, but when they do, they can make her wonder if she has a screw loose. “On a typical day I’ll go out and enjoy having my clothes off,” she says. “I’ll think, ‘Hey, we’re all just animals and I like the sun warming my skin and the wind tickling the hair on my arms.’ But on other days I think I must be a freak.” More.
One of the largest employers of minimum-wage workers says it “totally” supports increasing the minimum wage to $15 from the current $7.25, and it also says it wants to help unemployed young people obtain “real-world work experience” by launching a nationwide unpaid internship program. “Many young people today simply don’t have an opportunity to get on-the-ground work experience,” Ned Turner, chairman and CEO of Hamburger O Rama, said at a press conference today at the company’s Omaha, Neb., headquarters. “That’s why we’re so excited about our initiative to give millions of young people concrete, nuts-and-bolts work experience by hiring them as unpaid interns.” Turner said the internship program will provide young people “invaluable” lessons in what makes a popular service business like Hamburger O Rama run. “Our business is built around a 99¢ hamburger,” he said. “Under our program, interns will learn everything about our core product: how to cook it, serve it, clean up after the customer has eaten it . . . . More.