Latest: ‘Kill Me Now,’ World Says in CBS Interview

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World: ‘Agh!’

The world, in an interview with Scott Pelley of CBS Evening News today, said it wanted to die and asked if it could be killed “right now” or at least before Monday.

The world said it can’t take any more of the 2016 presidential election in the United States. “The Russian hacking, the breakdown of civil discourse, the rise of the alternative universe known as the Alt-Right . . . it’s all just too much and if you could just kill me now, I would be most appreciative.”

Pelley, interviewing the world in Frankfurt, Germany, said his role as a journalist prevented him from doing that, but he said there was probably somebody in one of the Scandinavian countries that could do it, so he advised the world to try there.

In other breaking news, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump is gaining ground on Democratic opponent Hillary Clinton as the FBI looks into Clinton emails found within lewd messages from former New York Rep. Anthony Weiner to an underage girl. FBI Director James Comey said the emails “may or may not” have anything to do with missing classified emails on her private server, but he couldn’t allow the smugness that was creeping into the Clinton campaign. Weiner is the estranged husband of Huma Abedin, Clinton’s top personal aide. Abedin is accused in conservative media circles of being a Muslim terrorist spy. Trump said he’s probably going to win the election. The world was caught with a razor trying to slit its wrists.

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): pd (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

More stories:

Woman Says She’s Trump’s Daughter; Seeks White House Bedroom

nwrIn a sensational claim, the supermarket tabloid Weekly National Report says a 50-year-old woman in Fayetteville, Ark., Dannielle Eggles, is the daughter of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump and she’s demanding a “White House bedroom” for her and her husband if he is elected president. “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I feel I must come forward because it’s time for my daddy to stop pretending I don’t exist,” Eggles said at a press conference in Fayetteville yesterday. Eggles, a clerk at Target, said she had resigned herself to living in the shadow of her famous father and her glamorous half brothers and sisters, but six months ago she and her husband, Ron Eggles, decided she could no longer do that. “We just thought it wasnt fair that Ivanka, Tiffany, Eric, Donald, Jr., and Barron all get to live the high life while we have to scrape our fingers to the bone just because daddy pretends I don’t exist.” More.

Trump Combover Called ‘Perv’ for Sending Salacious Tweets

pd File:Donald_Trump_2_April_2015.jpg File:Anthonyweiner.jpgThe closely watched combover of Donald Trump has been sending sexually suggestive tweets and photos to several of its Twitter followers, federal investigators allege. If true, that could imperil the Republican presidential nomination frontrunner’s candidacy, analysts say. Jerome Casing, chief of social media security at the FBI’s Criminal, Cyber, Response, and Services Branch, says his team has been tracking the combover since April, when it received a tip from one of the hair’s followers that it has been embedding unwanted photos in innuendo-laden tweets. “All I can say is, we’re talking to the combover of Mr. Trump at this time about matters concerning communications on the Internet,” says Casing. “Beyond that we have no comment.” More.

How Weiner’s Sexting Proves Huma Is a Spy and Their Marriage Is a Front

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A classifed CIA memo says the marriage between former New York congressman Anthony Weiner and Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin is a front to enable Abedin to spy at the highest levels of the United States government. “The family of Huma Abedin has long-time ties to the Muslim Brotherhood and Huma herself has deep ties to the organization, which the United States State Department recognizes as a terrorist organization,” says the memo, a copy of which was provided to The Guardian of London. The memo claims the marriage between Abedin and Weiner was arranged to give Abedin access to both Congress and the White House. “As the wife of a congressman, Abedin was put in touch with lawmakers at Capitol Hill social functions, both formal and informal, and enabled her to acquire intelligence through talks with lawmakers and their spouses,” the memo says. More.

Trump Reportedly Endorsed by American Association of Conspiracy Theorists

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Unverified news reports say Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has been endorsed by the American Association of Conspiracy Theorists (AACT). If true, Trump would be the first presidential candidate to receive the group’s endorsement since Richard Nixon was reportedly endorsed by the group in 1968. “We need a president who won’t be caught sleeping when dark forces around the world align to do harm to the United States,” says a statement attributed to the group, which is said to have been created in 1960, the year the American U2 spy plane was shot down by the Soviet Union during a deep penetration overflight. “I have reason to believe the group is endorsing Trump and I have reason to believe that’s a good thing,” says Alex Jones, host of The Alex Jones Show on Genesis Communications Network and operator of InfoWars, PrisonPlanet, and other websites popular with Americans concerned about the growing number of plots against the United States. More.

Russia Looking For Ideas On Who to Hack Next

fbThe Democratic National Committee has been hacked. Colin Powell has been hacked. The NSA has been hacked. The American Olympic Committee has been hacked. So many opportunities. So many directions. When you can get into any email you want, whose email do you get into next? That’s the question Russia’s state-supported hackers have been asking themselves and now they want to get your input. In a first for Russia’s hackers, they’ve put out a call on their Facebook page to get ideas from you on whose lives they should turn upside down next. “Tom Brady? Beyonce? Barbra Streisand? It’s just so hard to know,” said the group, which calls itself Анонимный, or “anonymous” in Russian. “It’s impossible to keep up with who’s trending. “Drake is big. But you already know what his emails are going to say. There has to be a surprise factor.” More.

Smiling Martian Face Proof of a Cover-up, NASA Critics Say

NASA NASA today released a stunning image of the famous “Martian face” rock formation in which the “mouth” appears to be turned upward, as if smiling. The image was taken about 12 hours after a previous image of the mouth-like crevice is shown expressing no particular emotion in a way that’s similar to thousands of previous pictures of the formation that have been taken. “It’s really a remarkable image sequence,” says Kristin Rogers, NASA chief of geological imaging. “We are starting with the assumption that the change in appearance is simply a change in the angle of light on the surface features. But we’re not prepared to say that with certainty, because it’s a shift we haven’t seen before.” More.

In Major Address, Trump Outlines Vision of Grand Conspiracy Against U.S.

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Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump used a major foreign policy address at Georgetown University in Washington today to lay out his vision of hostile forces around the world aligning to attack the United States under President Obama and removing it from its perch atop the world order. “There’s something going on, people, and it’s happening to us right now while our president, Barack Hussein Obama, looks the other way and talks about registering our guns—disarming us,” he said to a subdued audience in the school’s ornate auditorium. “Hillary Clinton is taking it a step further and getting guns banned from the Constitution.” Trump said the United States, after decades of setting the rules for the world, finds itself embattled from all sides. He cited China building a “military-style air base” in the South China Sea, Russia “flying circles around NATO planes in Scandinavia,” and Iran “completely dominating Israel” while Obama “winks and nods and wastes resources in the fiasco that’s Libya.” More.

Trump: ‘PC Police Won’t Let Me Call For Assassination of Clinton’

mnRepublican presidential nominee says it’s just like the “PC police” to give him a hard time for calling for the assassination of his Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton, to prevent her from picking the country’s next Supreme Court judges. “Wouldn’t you know I would be criticized for suggesting a Second Amendment solution to a Crooked hillary victory,” Trump said at a campaign stop in Lexington, Va. “You can’t say anything today without running afoul of the PC police.” Trump sparked a round of condemnation yesterday by alluding to what gun owners could do if Clinton wins. “If she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks,” Trump said at a rally in Wilmington, N.C. “Although the Second Amendment people—maybe there is. I don’t know.” More.

Meet the Democratic Operatives Hired to Rig the Presidential Election

wng Finding time to talk with election riggers who’ve been hired to tip the scales of the 2016 presidential election to Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton hasn’t been easy, especially with the election less than three months away. But Justin Powers, Kermin Jackson, and Ali Siddiqi—the Demcrats’ crack team of election riggers—made time to talk about how the big plans are going. The Nattering Nabobs: You were hired three months ago by the Democratic National Committee to make sure Hillary Clinton wins the election. Is everything falling into place?Ali Siddiqi: Well, point of clarification. We were hired more than a year ago, but we were formally introduced to the media three months ago. TNN: Okay, thanks for the clarification.Justin Powers: I think it takes a little longer than a few months to rig an election!  More.

DNC Hacking: Are Pro-Putin Remarks Hidden in Hillary’s Acceptance Speech?

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Analysts say pro-Russia remarks appear to be sprinkled into the presidential nomination acceptance speech that Hillary Clinton gave on the last night of the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia, and they wonder if the remarks were added at the last minute by Russian hackers who’ve infiltrated the servers of the DNC. “The speech was more pro-Russia than we expected, and that makes you wonder what the Russians have done now that we know they’ve hacked the DNC servers,” says Jon Brighton, cyber security branch chief at the National Security Agency. One line that might have been added, Brighton says, comes about halfway through Clinton’s speech, when she’s talking about the bonds of trust that appear to be fraying in the United States. “America is once again at a moment of reckoning,” she says. “Powerful forces are threatening to pull us apart. Bonds of trust and respect are fraying. Luckily, we maintain strong bonds of trust with Russia and our good friend Vladimir Putin.” More.

Obama: ‘Why Won’t Trump Say “Radical Americanism?”‘

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President Barack Obama lashed out at presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump yesterday after a group of white American men showed up at a political rally in Dallas toting guns and intimating they will resort to violence if anyone tries to restrict gun ownership in the wake of another mass shooting. “You can’t solve a problem if you refuse to name it, and Donald Trump disgracefully refuses to say the words ‘radical Americanism’ when we once again have a group of armed white men seeking to intimidate other Americans through their use of guns,” the president said at a news conference at the White House. “Look, the Republican party is led by a man that either is not tough, not smart or he’s got something else in mind. He doesn’t get it or he gets it better than anybody understands—it’s one or the other and either one is unacceptable.” More.

Obama: ‘Glad When This Is Over and I Can Go Back to Kenya’

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Barack_Obama#/media/File:Barack_Obama_thinking,_first_day_in_the_Oval_Office.jpgU.S. President Barack Obama said today in an interview with the foreign press that it’s been a tough seven years and he still has one more to go, but he takes comfort knowing it will soon be over and and he can go back to Kenya. “That’s what keeps me going,” he said. The first black president of the United States said adjusting to life in America has not been easy, even though he’s lived here most of his life. But he thinks he did a good job as president and would like to run for the presidency of Kenya in a few years, if the people of his native country will have him. “Winning election in Kenya is not quite as straight-forward as it is here,” he said. “Here, you give a few speeches and, if people like your style, you become well-known and then you just compete in primaries and caucuses held by the states. More.

Clearly Undoctored Photos Show Obama Romping With Young Women

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Miniskirts#/media/File:Miniskirts010.jpg https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Miniskirts#/media/File:Olympia_Fashion_Show_2010_(43).jpg https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Miniskirts#/media/File:Shenaz_Treasuryvala,_Pooja_Gujral,_Kavi_Shastri_at_the_launch_of_%27Main_Aur_Mr._Riight%27_(7).jpgWASHINGTON—The Republican National Committee is sending shockwaves through the United States by releasing clearly undoctored photos of President Barack Obama romping with young, scantily clad women in the Oval Office. “It is with a heavy heart that we release these genuine and authentic photos depicting our president acting in a way that can only be described as unpresidential,” RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said at a hastily called press conference today. More.

Trump: People Say North Korea Is a Hoax, Moon Landing Was Faked, Ronald Reagan Was Murdered

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SACRAMENTO, Calif.—Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said today he believes the moon landing in 1969 was real but “many people” believe the whole thing was orchestrated by the federal government to impress the world and scare the Soviets. “I’m not saying I believe that, but many people have questions about it,” Trump said at a campaign appearance here. “There are people who know about these things who say they saw the interior of a warehouse in Los Angeles converted to look like the surface of the moon, complete with fine dust and craters and the whole thing. Lot of tinfoil lying around. More.

Clinton: ‘Not Saying Trump Is Gay, But People Are Saying It’

gsSACRAMENTO—Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton said at a campaign rally here today she doesn’t believe Donald Trump is a homosexual but she hears “more and more” rumors that he is and she agrees his actions “can lead one” to believe that. “In some ways, I would respect him more if it turns out he secretly is a gay man trying to lead a straight life, because it would explain his struggles with the truth and perhaps his insecurity,” said Clinton, who is campaigning in California this week to prevent a last-minute primary win by her rival for the Democratic nomination, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders. Clinton said it’s time for discrimination against people for sexual orientation to stop, and Trump—should the rumors prove true—should use his position to help bring about equality in the United States. “Again, if Donald Trump is gay—and I’m not saying he is—then good for him. He should embrace it, celebrate it.” More.

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