House Republicans Tout Plan to Privatize Foreign Policy

pd

Ryan: ‘Peace and profit’

After what they call eight years of failed American foreign policy by the Obama administration, House Republican leaders say it’s time to spin off the country’s diplomacy and statesmanship to the private sector. “The United States was built by our world-leading companies,” House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) said at a press conference in the Capitol this morning. “The government doesn’t build Chevrolets. General Motors does. The country doesn’t make computers. Apple does. Today, it’s time to unleash our private sector on our foreign policy and do what our government has never been able to do: create peace and prosperity around the world.”

Under the plan Ryan and other leaders unveiled, the heads of GM, AT&T, Citibank, and other multinational corporations would work with leaders of countries around the world to replace war with peace and confrontation with cooperation.

rept“America’s business leaders already know how to create successful commerce in other countries,” says Randal Stephenson, chairman and CEO of telecommunications giant AT&T. “To make a profit over the long term in foreign countries, everyone has to win. The people of the other countries have to win. The leaders of the other countries have to win. America has to win. It’s time to take this same strategy and deploy it all across the world, and the people to do that are America’s business leaders.”

Stephenson is just one of several business chiefs who have been asked to head up a task force to create a plan for transitioning America’s foreign policy away from the U.S. Department of State to a committee comprised of American business leaders.

The chance for the businesses to earn a profit is key to the plan. “Businesses aren’t charities,” said Andy Bryant, chairman of computer chip maker Intel. “They succeed because they strive to make money. It’s the absence of the profit motive that prevents America’s foreign policy from succeeding. By unleashing American business ingenuity onto the world at large, we can create peace—and prosperity—where today there’s discord and drama. Before you can sell phones to the Iranians, you have to make peace with them.”

ss1

Trump: ‘I’ll take the compliment’

Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said at a rally in Altoona, Pa., today that he’s glad to see his campaign has sparked this idea among congressional leaders. “I was the one saying it’s time to stop letting hacks run our foreign policy,” he said. “I was the one saying we need to let our business leaders, who know how to make deals, represent us with other countries. So, I’m glad our elected officials in Congress are listening, You’re welcome.”

Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton and Democratic leaders in Congress denounced the idea, saying the country’s foreign policy has been the responsibility of the public sector throughout the country’s history and it should stay that way. “We’ve seen what happens when our country punts on its responsibilities and outsources our prisons and our schools to private companies,” said Clinton at a campaign stop in Cleveland. “Standards go down while companies rake in money. This ill-conceived and misguided plan will enable companies to walk away with billions of dollars while our country’s relationships with other countries deteriorates. It’s a bad idea and just shows how impoverished the policy thinking is in the Republican party. Instead of making hard choices on what to do around the world, the Republicans are throwing in the towel and saying they’ll let the private sector handle it. That’s a dereliction of duty, although I wouldn’t mind it if they privatize the Republican caucus in Congress. I would agree in that case we might be able to get something done for the country.”

Republican leaders also said they’re working on a plan to privatize the presidency.

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): mn (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

More stories:

Johnson-Weld Libertarian ticket: ‘We’re committed to ensuring the major party candidate you want to lose will win’

gs
Gary Johnson and William Weld, the freshly minted Libertarian party team for the 2016 presidential election, hit the campaign trail today with a message of individual liberty and a promise to put in the White House the major party candidate you don’t want to win. “We know if you’re a Hillary Clinton backer you’ll be happy to know our presence in the race all but ensures Donald Trump will win the presidency,” said Johnson, a former two-term governor of New Mexico and the 2012 Libertarian party candidate for president. “And if you’re a Donald Trump supporter, we know we’ll get just enough votes to ensure Hillary Clinton wins the race.” Third-party campaigns have a way of playing spoiler in presidential politics. More.

Election Results Just Starting Point For Negotiations, Trump Says

rcb

Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump says he can’t promise to accept the outcome of the election ahead of time because doing so will weaken his negotiating hand should he come up short on November 8. “Any good businessman will tell you not to give away your strongest hand if you want to win a negotiation,”Trump said at a rally today in Altoona, Pa. “My strongest hand is the threat of violence and mayhem from my supporters should I not win at the polls. It’s very important I keep that ace up my sleeve, because without it, there’s nothing to negotiate.” Trump said anything can be negotiated, even elections. “The will of the people sounds high and mighty, but you can’t put together a deal if you say upfront you’ll abide by whatever voters want,” he said. “Think about it. If you say you’ll accept the election outcome, then what’s left to negotiate if you come up short? Nothing. That’s why I have to keep the country in suspense. Without the threat of violence and mayhem from my supporters I’ve got nothing to use as leverage after the votes are counted.” More.

Americans thank Donald Trump for breaking last remaining bond of trust they have with one another by discrediting electoral process

ss

Americans around the country credit Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump for destroying the last vestige of unity in the country by delegitimizing the election before it’s held. “I was afraid out country was going to have one last remaining value we all share—the belief in the integrity of our elections—but luckily he took care of that,” says Jessica Harris, a retired school teacher in Ames, Iowa. “I like that our country is divided by guns, homosexuality, abortion, race, religion, and size of government, but it always bothered me that we shared a common belief in the validity of our elections,” says Todd Lorton, a warehouse supervisor in Lansing, Mich. “Now we can add that to the list of things that divide us. Thank you, Donald Trump.” More.

Presidential Candidate Takes United States Hostage

hstge

The richest and most powerful country on earth was taken hostage today by a candidate for its presidency who demanded to be elected or he’ll “take the whole country down” with him. “I don’t lose!” said the candidate, Donald Trump, the Republican nominee. “I can only lose if the election is rigged.” Trump, who is running against Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton, said he will “destroy the legitimacy of our democracy” and sow “distrust of all our institutions” if more people vote for Clinton than for him. “I will disregard the work of past generations of Americans who fought and died to build the world’s oldest and most stable democracy and plunge it into anarchy and despair,” he said. “My opponent will forever be tarred as an unfairly elected president. Millions of Americans will join me and together we will make America great—as we make governing it impossible.” More.

Oregon Standoff: ‘We Wear Cowboy Hats So It’s OK’

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Ammon_Bundy_(14536029270).jpgAmmond Bundy, the leader of self-described militiamen men who have taken over the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in southeastern Oregon to protest the jailing of ranchers who set nearby land on fire, says what he and the others are doing represents America because they wear cowboy hats. “What we’re doing is right and proper because real Americans wear cowboy hats, and that’s what we’re wearing,” says Bundy, 45. Bundy says he and his men also “dress like cowboys and ride horses,” so there should be no concern among Americans that what they’re doing is wrong. More.

Book: Canadians Promoted Ayn Rand to Destabilize U.S.

rand-bkUltra hard-righter Ayn Rand, one of the most influential voices in American politics in the last 50 years, was a nobody until a cabal of Canadian expatriates made her a star in a quest to destablize the United States so that Canada could gain a geo-political edge over its southern neighbor, according to a blockbuster book released yesterday. “People think of Canada as this quiet, do-gooder country that goes the extra mile to get along with its much bigger neighbor,” says Samuel Harper, a political science professor at Harvard University’s Kennedy School of Government. Harper is author of Ayn Rand Conspiracy: How Canada Unleashed the World’s Kookiest Political Philosopher on an Unsuspecting United States (Basic Books: 2014), which landed on the New York Times bestseller list upon its debut. More.

Book: Ayn Rand Was a Welfare Queen

rand-bkAn explosive book by former Ayn Rand intimate Barbara Branden says the founder of the ultra-free market philosophy of objectivism was actually a heavy user of federal assistance and regularly sought meetings with federal officials to squelch competition to her free-market manifestos Atlas Shrugged and The Fountainhead. “No one was more enthralled with the brilliance and charisma of Ayn Rand than I and my husband, Nathaniel Branden, were, but in the end, the great seer of free-market economics was no different than anyone else, taking government handouts whenever she could and using the coercive power of the federal government to make life miserable for true free-marketers whose work posed a threat to her bestselling books,” writes Branden in her book, Ayn Rand: Welfare Queen, just released from Pythagoras Publications. More.

Kasich: ‘As Long as I Have the Rush Vote, I’m Staying In’

k2

The Republican party establishment, desperate to prevent Donald Trump from walking away with the presidential nomination, has repeatedly asked Ohio Gov. John Kasich to leave the race. But Kasich, despite his mostly lackluster performance, says he has a stash of secret support from a large and important constituency and he doesn’t want to see that bloc of voters left without a champion. “I owe it to Rush fans all over the United States to stay in the race and make sure their values are represented on the campaign trail and reflected in the party platform when the Republicans meet in July for the convention—which, by the way, is in my home state,” says Kasich. More.

 

 

 

 

 

Advertisements