With less than two week to go before election day, Republican nominee Donald Trump went to Florida to talk about the marble he’s using at his Trump National Doral golf course in Florida and then to Washington, D.C., to talk about the scissors he’s using to cut the ribbon on his new hotel.
“We could have used cheap marble in our upgrade at the Doral, but we didn’t,” he said on Sunday in Florida. “You can’t see the scissors, but they’re really beautiful,” he said on Monday at his new hotel on Pennsylvania Ave. in Washington. “There’s never been a more important election in our lifetime,” he added, looking at spreadsheets showing his real estate business losing money as millions of people stop patronizing his properties. “There’s never been a more important election and we’ve never had a more crooked, nasty presidential candidate than Hillary Clinton. That’s why I will continue to fight for my businesses, right up to the day votes are cast in this country.”
An average of national polls shows Clinton, the Democratic nominee, with a consistent lead of about six points. Lower down the ballot, polls show the possibility of the Senate flipping to the Democrats and Republicans losing as many as 20 seats in the House. Trump last week announced he will no longer host fundraisers for the Republican party.
“Beautiful marble, beautiful scissors . . . we need to get out and appreciate how fine my properties are, and we need to do it before November 28th, when the country votes for president,” Trump said.
This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): ss (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
With millions of people around the world refusing to spend money at his name-branded hotels, resorts, and condominium buildings in protest of his racism, bigotry, and misogyny, Donald Trump says his plan to destroy the value of the Trump name is going better than he anticipated. “We’re destroying our brand equity like no one else in history,” Trump said at a rally in Altoona, Pa., this morning. “We have millions of people—millions!—who won’t spend a dime at any Trump hotel anywhere. It’s amazing. There’s never been a faster loss of equity by any company in any country.” How much of his personal wealth is being impacted by this unprecedented loss of value isn’t clear, since Trump, the Republican nominee for president of the United States, hasn’t released his tax returns. But accountants and other financial experts say he could be losing $1 million a day as people stop spending money at Trump properties or buy Trump products. “If his plan was to lose $1 million a day, he’s succeeded at an amazing pace,” says Stuart Nessing, an accountiant with Billings, Stone & Reynolds in New York City. More.
Hank Galloway, a retired stockroom supervisor who lost about $16,000 when he invested in a Trump resort that was never built, says Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton is a corrupt politician who stole plateware from the White House and should be sent to prison and he wouldn’t mind if she were on the target side of a bullet, either. “That was a good chunk of my life’s savings that I lost in that Trump project,” says Galloway, 69. “If Crooked Hillary doesn’t go to jail instead of the White House, it’s because we’re letting terrorists laugh up their sleeve at our country and giving good-paying jobs to Mexicans who think life in America is one long siesta.” Galloway says he also tried to learn how to become a real estate investor by taking classes at Trump University, but he didn’t learn anything except that he should invest money in Trump projects, which he did. “It’s these regulations that the Socialists in Congress impose on business that’s strangling this country,” he says. More.
The U.S. economy grew by a meager 1.1 percent last quarter and economists are laying the blame on Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, whose statements, they say, are driving people to the Internet almost on an hourly basis to read news stories or watch video about him to the detriment of their jobs. “The work of our country is simply not getting done,” says Albert Strauss, associate director of quantitative analysis for the Reichman Institute of Economics at the University of Pennsylvania. “Emails are not getting sent, reports are not getting written, mathematical equations are not getting solved while people read about the rift between Trump and the GOP leadership or watch a video about Trump insulting a mother.” More.
The bible of the journalism profession, The Associated Press Stylebook, has downgraded Donald Trump to a “millionaire” because his “billionaire” claims cannot be verified. “We take our responsibilities as the official guide to journalists in the United States seriously, and we feel the only responsible course of action is to downgrade the status of Donald Trump from billionaire to millionaire until further notice,” says Alfred Whitehurst, editor-in-chief of the Stylebook. Under the reference to Trump in the latest edition, Trump is identified as, “Trump, Donald J., millionaire* real estate developer and 2016 presumptive Republican nominee for president of the United States.” More.
Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump says he hasn’t started arranging his combover in a different way to reflect the surge in popularity of Hillary Clinton now that she has amassed enough delegates to be his Democratic opponent in the general election this fall. “Crooked Hillary will be in jail before she’s the Democratic nominee, so I can assure you I haven’t changed anything about my hair,” Trump said at a campaign stop in San Diego this morning. “I’ve been combing it the same way since I was 30 years old. And you know why? Because it’s perfect the way it is. Even the Mexicans love it. They wish they could have my hair. And maybe they can someday, if they behave themselves.” More.
Despite boasts about his wealth, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump is pretty broke, says an accountant who prepared the real estate mogul’s taxes before he ran for president. “He would be fine if he sold off Trump Tower and his fleet of planes—which are quite old and outmoded, by the way—but he refuses to do that and his bottom line is paying the price for that stubbornness,” says Samuel Green, a CPA with Gunther, Green & Taylor, one of Manhattan’s largest accountant firms. Green was lead accountant on Trump’s taxes from 2003 to 2014 but was reassigned after recommending asset sales to liquidate the equity Trump has left in his holdings. “I know he’s got his name on everything, but most of that is branding,” he says. More.
In a sensational claim, the supermarket tabloid Weekly National Report says a 50-year-old woman in Fayetteville, Ark., Dannielle Eggles, is the daughter of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump and she’s demanding a “White House bedroom” for her and her husband if he is elected president. “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I feel I must come forward because it’s time for my daddy to stop pretending I don’t exist,” Eggles said at a press conference in Fayetteville yesterday. Eggles, a clerk at Target, said she had resigned herself to living in the shadow of her famous father and her glamorous half brothers and sisters, but six months ago she and her husband, Ron Eggles, decided she could no longer do that. “We just thought it wasnt fair that Ivanka, Tiffany, Eric, Donald, Jr., and Barron all get to live the high life while we have to scrape our fingers to the bone just because daddy pretends I don’t exist.” More.
Republican presidential nomination frontrunner Donald Trump said he was directing the executive vice president of his company, The Trump Organization, to launch a new company, Trump Security, as soon as possible to take advantage of the growing violence at his rallies and in other aspects of American life. “We’re just getting to be a very violent country and that means we need more security,” Trump said last night in an interview on CNN. “It’s terrible. It’s unfortunate. There are a lot of bad people out there. But it presents an opportunity, too, and that’s what makes me a good businessman. When I see an opportunity, I take it. And there’s an opportunity here to sell good, effective security services, and no one will provide better security than Trump Security, I can promise you.” More.