Trump’s Unpopularity Creates Opening for Libertarians, Who Decide to Stick with Gary Johnson Anyway

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Rain . .. or a party’s tears?

The historic unpopularity of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has motivated many voters to give Libertarians a fresh look, but, even so, the Libertarian party says it will stick with Gary Johnson as its nominee.

“You know, when we nominated Gary to be our standard bearer, we really didn’t expect many people to consider voting for us,” says Nicholas Sarwark, chair of the Libertarian party in the United States. “Few Americans have really given our party much thought in the past and we thought, what the heck? Why not nominate Gary? Who knew this could have been our breakout year! But that’s okay. We’re going to stick with our guy.”

lpHad the party nominated someone who wasn’t as weird as Johnson, political analysts say, Libertarians could be enjoying their best year ever at the polls, because voters are hungry for an alternative, especially on the Republican side, which on economic matters is ideologically closer to Libertarians that the Democrats.

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Weld: Praying for rain?

But instead of sensing the opportunity Trump presented them, party delegates nominated Johnson, the two-term governor of New Mexico who has a habit of saying weird things that scare away voters who would otherwise flock to the party as an alternative to Trump.

Among other weird things, Johnson has described getting to the top of Mount Everest as akin to lifting up the skirt of a woman and getting underneath it. He’s also said global warming isn’t a concern because, regardless of what humans do, the sun will eventually expand and consume the earth.

He also, in one TV interview, stuck his tongue between his teeth and tried to talk. It was really weird.

“Could we have capitalized on the frightening prospect of a Trump presidency by having a serious politician on the top of our ticket?” Sarwark asked. “Of course. Even William Weld [the vice president nominee] would have been better, because he’s highly regarded for his two terms as Massachusetts governor and doesn’t say weird things, but, alas, we didn’t. Even so, we’ll stick with Gary and get six or seven percent in the polls when we could have been getting 18, 19, or 20 percent. Oh well.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): mn (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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