Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump says he can’t promise to accept the outcome of the election ahead of time because doing so will weaken his negotiating hand should he come up short on November 8. “Any good businessman will tell you not to give away your strongest hand if you want to win a negotiation,”Trump said at a rally today in Altoona, Pa. “My strongest hand is the threat of violence and mayhem from my supporters should I not win at the polls. It’s very important I keep that ace up my sleeve, because without it, there’s nothing to negotiate.”
Trump said anything can be negotiated, even elections. “The will of the people sounds high and mighty, but you can’t put together a deal if you say upfront you’ll abide by whatever voters want,” he said. “Think about it. If you say you’ll accept the election outcome, then what’s left to negotiate if you come up short? Nothing. That’s why I have to keep the country in suspense. Without the threat of violence and mayhem from my supporters I’ve got nothing to use as leverage after the votes are counted. As long as I have the threat of violence and mayhem in my pocket, I’ve got something to negotiate.”
Richard Carter, an election law specialist who served as an advisor during the Florida vote recount in the 2004 election between George W Bush and Al Gore, said Trump is playing a smart game. “If everyone knows he’s going to concede should he get fewer votes than his opponent, what leverage does he have after the election? None,” he said. “Now he’s got leverage. It’s a standard tactic in business negotiations. Remember, this is he guy whose name is on the cover of The Art of the Deal.”
Trump says he thinks he can make a deal in which he gets the presidency, even if he loses, because his followers will use their guns to push the country into chaos. “Ordinary Americans will become fearful, investors will pull their capital out of the country, the value of the dollar will plummet, the Chinese yuan will become the world’s reserve currency, a global recession will follow, we’ll lose millions of jobs, more chaos will ensue, Russia, Iran, and North Korea will exploit the vacuum left by the loss of American stability, and war will break out in multiple flash points around the globe,” he said. “As the very survivability of the planet is questioned, I will march into the White House with the help of my millions of followers and assume the presidency. That, my friends, is the art of the deal.”
This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): pd (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
President-elect Donald Trump said he was appointing his “very good brain” to be one of his top advisors on both domestic and foreign policy. “I’ve always relied on my very good brain to decide what to do,” Trump said today at a press availability in his offices at Trump Tower in New York City. “When people would question whether I was doing the right thing or the wrong thing, I would consult my brain and do what makes most sense to it.” Trump said the policy insight of his brain is “the best ever” and there was never any doubt that he would tap his brain right from the start. “My brain has been with me from day one and it’s going to be with me from the day I take the oath of office,” he said. “It’s going to be terrific. There’s never been another advisor as good as this one. You’ll be very impressed.” More.
Ayn Rand, Back from the Dead, Calls Americans Ninnies for Threatening Election Violence Rather Than Going Away to Build Utopia in the Rockies
Ayn Rand, the objectivist guru who helped launch the Libertarian movement and serves as inspiration for those in the tea party and others who believe Americans should be self reliant rather than live under the yoke of a paternalistic government, came back from the dead today to tell Americans supporting Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump that they’re “ninnies” for questioning the legitimacy of the election. “If you read Atlas Shrugged all the way through, you know objectivism isn’t about violence and questioning the vote; it’s about withdrawing from the hopeless liberal society and building a utopia in Colorado,” said Rand, who spoke to reporters and a small crowd of people outside Trump Tower in New York City. More.
The bible of the journalism profession, The Associated Press Stylebook, has downgraded Donald Trump to a “millionaire” because his “billionaire” claims cannot be verified. “We take our responsibilities as the official guide to journalists in the United States seriously, and we feel the only responsible course of action is to downgrade the status of Donald Trump from billionaire to millionaire until further notice,” says Alfred Whitehurst, editor-in-chief of the Stylebook. Under the reference to Trump in the latest edition, Trump is identified as, “Trump, Donald J., millionaire* real estate developer and 2016 presumptive Republican nominee for president of the United States.” More.
Despite boasts about his wealth, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump is pretty broke, says an accountant who prepared the real estate mogul’s taxes before he ran for president. “He would be fine if he sold off Trump Tower and his fleet of planes—which are quite old and outmoded, by the way—but he refuses to do that and his bottom line is paying the price for that stubbornness,” says Samuel Green, a CPA with Gunther, Green & Taylor, one of Manhattan’s largest accountant firms. Green was lead accountant on Trump’s taxes from 2003 to 2014 but was reassigned after recommending asset sales to liquidate the equity Trump has left in his holdings. “I know he’s got his name on everything, but most of that is branding,” he says. More.
In a sensational claim, the supermarket tabloid Weekly National Report says a 50-year-old woman in Fayetteville, Ark., Dannielle Eggles, is the daughter of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump and she’s demanding a “White House bedroom” for her and her husband if he is elected president. “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I feel I must come forward because it’s time for my daddy to stop pretending I don’t exist,” Eggles said at a press conference in Fayetteville yesterday. Eggles, a clerk at Target, said she had resigned herself to living in the shadow of her famous father and her glamorous half brothers and sisters, but six months ago she and her husband, Ron Eggles, decided she could no longer do that. “We just thought it wasnt fair that Ivanka, Tiffany, Eric, Donald, Jr., and Barron all get to live the high life while we have to scrape our fingers to the bone just because daddy pretends I don’t exist.” More.
Republican nomination frontrunner Donald Trump said last night on CNN he’ll go quietly if party leaders sabotage his nomination at the convention this summer in Cleveland as long as his products are served at the inaugural balls should the Republican win in November. “Everyone knows I’ve got the best wine, the best steaks you can have,” Trump said last night in his CNN interview. “My hotel in Washington, in the historic Post Office, will be ready by the inauguration and I want it to be used as well.” Trump said he’s even starting a security company, Trump Security, and he would expect that to be used to provide security throughout Washington during the festivities. More.
Republican presidential nomination frontrunner Donald Trump says having a dad who starts a successful real estate business and then hands the business over to you is a great way to become rich like him. “That’s really the best way to amass wealth,” Trump said in an interview with Fox News today. “You gotta start rich and go to a good school, which being rich helps you get into.” In the interview, with Fox News’ Sean Hannity, Trump said that having your dad get rich first enables you to focus your attention on sexier but riskier types of businesses like beauty pageants, reality shows, casinos, and airlines. And it provides a cushion in case some of the businesses fail and you have to file for bankruptcy protection. “All in all, having a dad who paves the way is a really great way to become rich,” says Trump, 69. More.
Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump lashed out at cheats who don’t pay their taxes because they’re robbing the United States of the means to repair its crumbling infrastructure. “Our airports, they’re like third-world airports,” he said at at a rally in Altoona, Pa., this morning. “You go to Dubai, you go to China, and they have these sparkling new airports. They’re beautiful. Then you go to Newark and you’re like in a third-world country. But we can’t fix anything because no one pays their taxes. You have tax dodgers using the loopholes. We’ve got to run our country like a business. People need to pay their taxes because we have to pay for our military. We have to fix our airports. How can we do any of these things if we don’t have any money?” Trump said people who hire teams of lawyers and accountants to dig up loopholes are not good Americans.”You’ve got these rich guys paying thousands of dollars to avoid paying taxes, so who ends up paying the taxes? The little guy. More.
Hank Galloway, a retired stockroom supervisor who lost about $16,000 when he invested in a Trump resort that was never built, says Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton is a corrupt politician who stole plateware from the White House and should be sent to prison and he wouldn’t mind if she were on the target side of a bullet, either. “That was a good chunk of my life’s savings that I lost in that Trump project,” says Galloway, 69. “If Crooked Hillary doesn’t go to jail instead of the White House, it’s because we’re letting terrorists laugh up their sleeve at our country and giving good-paying jobs to Mexicans who think life in America is one long siesta.” Galloway says he also tried to learn how to become a real estate investor by taking classes at Trump University, but he didn’t learn anything except that he should invest money in Trump projects, which he did. “It’s these regulations that the Socialists in Congress impose on business that’s strangling this country,” he says. More.
The U.S. economy grew by a meager 1.1 percent last quarter and economists are laying the blame on Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, whose statements, they say, are driving people to the Internet almost on an hourly basis to read news stories or watch video about him to the detriment of their jobs. “The work of our country is simply not getting done,” says Albert Strauss, associate director of quantitative analysis for the Reichman Institute of Economics at the University of Pennsylvania. “Emails are not getting sent, reports are not getting written, mathematical equations are not getting solved while people read about the rift between Trump and the GOP leadership or watch a video about Trump insulting a mother.” More.
The mouth of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump was caught talking without the candidate’s brain at a rally in Altoona, Pa., today, marking the seventh time in the last day and a half that unsupervised words from the candidate’s mouth were allowed into the world. “The only way we could lose, in my opinion—I really mean this, Pennsylvania—is if cheating goes on,” Trump said at the rally. Trump, who is down in the polls in this and other battleground states, has started letting his mouth talk without restraint about cheating and rigged elections as a way to delegitimize the election outcome should he lose, setting the stage for widespread instability in the world’s oldest democracy. More.
Worried that Donald Trump’s focus on score-settling and conspiracy mongering is dooming Republicans’ chance of winning the White House, GOP leaders have asked party heavyweights Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann to help right the listing campaign. “Trump will be a good president because he understands the needs of hurting Americans, but we first need to win the presidency and we think that requires adding some intellectual heft to his campaign team,” says Reince Priebus, the Republican National Committee chair. “We are pleased to announce that two of our party’s most well-respected thought leaders, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and former Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, have agreed to return to the political fray on behalf of our nominee for president.” Palin, tapped to be the running mate of Sen. John McCain of Arizona when he was the Republican presidential nominee in 2008, is expected to bring considerable policy heft to the Trump effort. More.
Republican presidential nominee says it’s just like the “PC police” to give him a hard time for calling for the assassination of his Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton, to prevent her from picking the country’s next Supreme Court judges. “Wouldn’t you know I would be criticized for suggesting a Second Amendment solution to a Crooked hillary victory,” Trump said at a campaign stop in Lexington, Va. “You can’t say anything today without running afoul of the PC police.” Trump sparked a round of condemnation yesterday by alluding to what gun owners could do if Clinton wins. “If she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks,” Trump said at a rally in Wilmington, N.C. “Although the Second Amendment people—maybe there is. I don’t know.” More.