Americans thank Donald Trump for breaking last remaining bond of trust they have with one another by discrediting electoral process

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‘You’re welcome, America’

Americans around the country credit Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump for destroying the last vestige of unity in the country by delegitimizing the election before it’s held.

“I was afraid out country was going to have one last remaining value we all share—the belief in the integrity of our elections—but luckily he took care of that,” says Jessica Harris, a retired school teacher in Ames, Iowa.

“I like that our country is divided by guns, homosexuality, abortion, race, religion, and size of government, but it always bothered me that we shared a common belief in the validity of our elections,” says Todd Lorton, a warehouse supervisor in Lansing, Mich. “Now we can add that to the list of things that divide us. Thank you, Donald Trump.” hd

John Barnes, a diesel mechanic in Oklahoma City, Okla., says he’d like to see Trump bash Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Betsy Ross, and apple pie, because right now those represent shared symbols of America that Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, Greens, independents, and others embrace. “And that’s not right,” he says.

Purple mountains majesty and amber waves of grain are also iconic symbols of American unity that haven’t yet been crushed under the heels of Donald Trump’s shoes. “That just doesn’t make any sense,” says April Hollingsworth, a manicurist in Saint Joseph, Mo. “I don’t understand what he’s waiting for.”

hbHot dogs and hamburgers, which continue to be enjoyed by white Americans and black Americans, need to be reconditioned in our minds as well. “If blacks like them, can a white person like them, too?” says Susan Carpenter, a homemaker in Lawrence, Kans. “I just don’t see how these two races can come together on something so important as the food we put in our mouths.”

Carpenter says she heard that some Muslim girls in her daughter’s school like the story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, and that is worrying to her. “I liked that story when I was a girl, which makes it that much more sad that we’re now going to have to get the school board to ban it from the curriculum,” she says. “I wish the Muslims would just leave this country so we don’t have to ban books that I enjoyed reading as a little girl. Luckily Trump is going to take care of that even if he’s not elected, because he’s not constrained by whether he wins or loses at the ballot box. He’s outside the electoral process, which we now know is rigged and can’t be trusted to produce our next leader.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): ss (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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