Americans around the country credit Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump for destroying the last vestige of unity in the country by delegitimizing the election before it’s held.
“I was afraid out country was going to have one last remaining value we all share—the belief in the integrity of our elections—but luckily he took care of that,” says Jessica Harris, a retired school teacher in Ames, Iowa.
“I like that our country is divided by guns, homosexuality, abortion, race, religion, and size of government, but it always bothered me that we shared a common belief in the validity of our elections,” says Todd Lorton, a warehouse supervisor in Lansing, Mich. “Now we can add that to the list of things that divide us. Thank you, Donald Trump.”
John Barnes, a diesel mechanic in Oklahoma City, Okla., says he’d like to see Trump bash Abraham Lincoln, George Washington, Betsy Ross, and apple pie, because right now those represent shared symbols of America that Democrats, Republicans, Libertarians, Greens, independents, and others embrace. “And that’s not right,” he says.
Purple mountains majesty and amber waves of grain are also iconic symbols of American unity that haven’t yet been crushed under the heels of Donald Trump’s shoes. “That just doesn’t make any sense,” says April Hollingsworth, a manicurist in Saint Joseph, Mo. “I don’t understand what he’s waiting for.”
Hot dogs and hamburgers, which continue to be enjoyed by white Americans and black Americans, need to be reconditioned in our minds as well. “If blacks like them, can a white person like them, too?” says Susan Carpenter, a homemaker in Lawrence, Kans. “I just don’t see how these two races can come together on something so important as the food we put in our mouths.”
Carpenter says she heard that some Muslim girls in her daughter’s school like the story of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves, and that is worrying to her. “I liked that story when I was a girl, which makes it that much more sad that we’re now going to have to get the school board to ban it from the curriculum,” she says. “I wish the Muslims would just leave this country so we don’t have to ban books that I enjoyed reading as a little girl. Luckily Trump is going to take care of that even if he’s not elected, because he’s not constrained by whether he wins or loses at the ballot box. He’s outside the electoral process, which we now know is rigged and can’t be trusted to produce our next leader.”
This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): ss (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump says he can’t promise to accept the outcome of the election ahead of time because doing so will weaken his negotiating hand should he come up short on November 8. “Any good businessman will tell you not to give away your strongest hand if you want to win a negotiation,”Trump said at a rally today in Altoona, Pa. “My strongest hand is the threat of violence and mayhem from my supporters should I not win at the polls. It’s very important I keep that ace up my sleeve, because without it, there’s nothing to negotiate.” Trump said anything can be negotiated, even elections. “The will of the people sounds high and mighty, but you can’t put together a deal if you say upfront you’ll abide by whatever voters want,” he said. “Think about it. If you say you’ll accept the election outcome, then what’s left to negotiate if you come up short? Nothing. That’s why I have to keep the country in suspense. Without the threat of violence and mayhem from my supporters I’ve got nothing to use as leverage after the votes are counted.” More.
Ayn Rand, Back from the Dead, Calls Americans Ninnies for Threatening Election Violence Rather Than Going Away to Build Utopia in the Rockies
Ayn Rand, the objectivist guru who helped launch the Libertarian movement and serves as inspiration for those in the tea party and others who believe Americans should be self reliant rather than live under the yoke of a paternalistic government, came back from the dead today to tell Americans supporting Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump that they’re “ninnies” for questioning the legitimacy of the election. “If you read Atlas Shrugged all the way through, you know objectivism isn’t about violence and questioning the vote; it’s about withdrawing from the hopeless liberal society and building a utopia in Colorado,” said Rand, who spoke to reporters and a small crowd of people outside Trump Tower in New York City. More.
Finding time to talk with election riggers who’ve been hired to tip the scales of the 2016 presidential election to Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton hasn’t been easy, especially with the election less than three months away. But Justin Powers, Kermin Jackson, and Ali Siddiqi—the Demcrats’ crack team of election riggers—made time to talk about how the big plans are going. The Nattering Nabobs: You were hired three months ago by the Democratic National Committee to make sure Hillary Clinton wins the election. Is everything falling into place?Ali Siddiqi: Well, point of clarification. We were hired more than a year ago, but we were formally introduced to the media three months ago. TNN: Okay, thanks for the clarification.Justin Powers: I think it takes a little longer than a few months to rig an election! More.
WASHINGTON—Top Republican officials at an emergency meeting here today are deadlocked on whether to change the definition of “GOP” from “Grand Old Party” to either “Grand Old Paranoids” or “Grand Old Predators” based on the governing philosophy of the person at the top of the Republican ticket: Donald Trump. “It’s probably the most conflicted I’ve seen our committee leaders,” said one party official who spoke on the condition of anonymity so he could talk frankly about internal policy deliberations. “On the one hand, we really are becoming the Grand Old Paranoids party, since all of Trump’s closest advisors are from the Breitbart-Info Wars wing of the party. On the other hand, Trump is clearly the leader of the Grand Old Predators wing of the party. So, you couldn’t have a more evenly divided committee.” More.
Whether he wins or loses in November, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has one constituency that will always stand by his side: America’s perverts, arguably the most maligned group of people in the country. “No one has ever spoken to our issues, but now we have a candidate who understands us and who clearly will be a force for breaking down the barriers that stand between us and the rest of the country,” says Andy P., a pervert who asked that his full name not be used to protect his privacy. Andy P, and others like him say no politician has ever before been sympathetic to people who lurk in the shadows, peep into windows, rub against women on subways, and grab their p*****s without their consent. More.
As Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton participated in a town hall-styled debate in St. Louis on Sunday, a man was seen prowling behind her on stage, making menacing faces and at times standing intimidatingly close to her. St. Louis police say they have looked into the matter and found no evidence a man was stalking Clinton, the first woman to head a major party presidential ticket in the United States. The only person confirmed to be sharing the stage with Clinton that night, they said, was her Republican opponent, Donald Trump. “We had many reports from people in the audience and also from people calling in while viewing the debate at home that a man was seen prowling around on the stage behind Clinton, but at this time the only man we can say with 100 percent certainty was on the stage that night was Donald Trump.” More.
The richest and most powerful country on earth was taken hostage today by a candidate for its presidency who demanded to be elected or he’ll “take the whole country down” with him. “I don’t lose!” said the candidate, Donald Trump, the Republican nominee. “I can only lose if the election is rigged.” Trump, who is running against Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton, said he will “destroy the legitimacy of our democracy” and sow “distrust of all our institutions” if more people vote for Clinton than for him. “I will disregard the work of past generations of Americans who fought and died to build the world’s oldest and most stable democracy and plunge it into anarchy and despair,” he said. “My opponent will forever be tarred as an unfairly elected president. Millions of Americans will join me and together we will make America great—as we make governing it impossible.” More.
Republican presidential nominee says it’s just like the “PC police” to give him a hard time for calling for the assassination of his Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton, to prevent her from picking the country’s next Supreme Court judges. “Wouldn’t you know I would be criticized for suggesting a Second Amendment solution to a Crooked hillary victory,” Trump said at a campaign stop in Lexington, Va. “You can’t say anything today without running afoul of the PC police.” Trump sparked a round of condemnation yesterday by alluding to what gun owners could do if Clinton wins. “If she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks,” Trump said at a rally in Wilmington, N.C. “Although the Second Amendment people—maybe there is. I don’t know.” More.
Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump says he hasn’t started arranging his combover in a different way to reflect the surge in popularity of Hillary Clinton now that she has amassed enough delegates to be his Democratic opponent in the general election this fall. “Crooked Hillary will be in jail before she’s the Democratic nominee, so I can assure you I haven’t changed anything about my hair,” Trump said at a campaign stop in San Diego this morning. “I’ve been combing it the same way since I was 30 years old. And you know why? Because it’s perfect the way it is. Even the Mexicans love it. They wish they could have my hair. And maybe they can someday, if they behave themselves.” More.
Unverified news reports say Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has been endorsed by the American Association of Conspiracy Theorists (AACT). If true, Trump would be the first presidential candidate to receive the group’s endorsement since Richard Nixon was reportedly endorsed by the group in 1968. “We need a president who won’t be caught sleeping when dark forces around the world align to do harm to the United States,” says a statement attributed to the group, which is said to have been created in 1960, the year the American U2 spy plane was shot down by the Soviet Union during a deep penetration overflight. “I have reason to believe the group is endorsing Trump and I have reason to believe that’s a good thing,” says Alex Jones, host of The Alex Jones Show on Genesis Communications Network and operator of InfoWars, PrisonPlanet, and other websites popular with Americans concerned about the growing number of plots against the United States. More.
Right-wing radio commentator Rush Limbaugh says he loves Glenn Beck, his fellow conservative talker, but his refusal to back Donald Trump for president is just a total bitch slap. “All the times I was there for him, and this is the thanks I get,” Limbaugh said of Beck on his popular radio show today. “When the lefties were calling him a Nazi, I stood up for him. When they were accusing him of being a deranged conspiracist, I had his back. Now when we’re so close to getting Hillary Clinton put into jail, he goes wobbly and says he can’t support Donald Trump because he’s not a true conservative. Oh, aren’t you just so high minded? Are your hemorrhoids bothering you or is that really a stick up your you-know-what?” More.
Republican Mike Pence came across as the winner against Democrat Sen. Tim Kaine of Virginia in their vice presidential debate this week at Longwood University but viewers say the Indiana governor’s skill at lying was what impressed them the most. “I never expected Pence to be as good at lying as he was,” said Andrew McNair, a retired insurance agent in Des Moines, Iowa. “Yes, he did a good job counterpunching Kaine and articulating conservative Republican positions, but none of that matched how well he said things that weren’t true.” Viewers across the country echoed that view, saying the ability of Pence to lie without showing any hint of uncertainty or self-doubt earns him a place in a liar’s hall of fame, although such an institution doesn’t exist. More.
Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Kaine defended the yappy dog approach he took during his live TV debate this week with Mike Pence, his Republican counterpart from Indiana, by saying it was a necessary tactic to keep the focus on the lies of Donald Trump. “Would I have preferred to come across as a Great Dane or a German Shepherd? Of course,” he said after the debate Tuesday night at Longwood University in Virginia. “But the moment didn’t call for stature, for dignity. The moment called for irritation, for annoyance. So I did what I had to do and I’m proud of the yips I got in. I’m proud of the yaps I got in. And I will go on yipping and yapping until people know the truth about Donald Trump.” More.
Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump lashed out at cheats who don’t pay their taxes because they’re robbing the United States of the means to repair its crumbling infrastructure. “Our airports, they’re like third-world airports,” he said at at a rally in Altoona, Pa., this morning. “You go to Dubai, you go to China, and they have these sparkling new airports. They’re beautiful. Then you go to Newark and you’re like in a third-world country. But we can’t fix anything because no one pays their taxes. You have tax dodgers using the loopholes. We’ve got to run our country like a business. People need to pay their taxes because we have to pay for our military. We have to fix our airports. How can we do any of these things if we don’t have any money?” Trump said people who hire teams of lawyers and accountants to dig up loopholes are not good Americans.”You’ve got these rich guys paying thousands of dollars to avoid paying taxes, so who ends up paying the taxes? The little guy. More.
Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said he took the high road by not saying anything about Bill Clinton’s infidelities during his first debate with Hillary Clinton at Hofstra University. He elected to hold back in part because Chelsea Clinton, the daughter of Bill and Hillary Clinton, was in the audience, he said. Here are five other things he could have said but didn’t because he elected to take the high road: 1. Unlike Ivanka, Chelsea is not a daughter he would want to date. She simply doesn’t have it in the looks department. Figure’s not as good. Face isn’t as pretty. No, he would definitely not take her out on a date. More.
Not waiting to get into the White House to exercise his unique brand of Twitter diplomacy, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump late last night wondered aloud if Germany’s chancellor, Angela Merkel, and his Democratic opponent, Hillary Clinton, get their pantsuit ideas from the same JC Penney catalog. “I notice it’s not a catalogue Melania has laying around on her nightstand,” he said. “Maybe there’s a reason for that. Does Victoria Secret make sizes big enough for them? I doubt it!” He also called North Korea’s launch of a ballistic missile from a submarine two weeks ago a “pathetic” attempt to be relevant in the global arena and said it makes the country’s leader, Kim Jong-un, look “small and sad.” Trump also revisited one of his favorite topics about China—its currency manipulation—by condemning the International Monetary Fund for adding the Yuan to its list of reserve currencies. “Just like it manipulates its currency, China has manipulated the losers at the IMF,” he said. More.