The richest and most powerful country on earth was taken hostage today by a candidate for its presidency who demanded to be elected or he’ll “take the whole country down” with him.
“I don’t lose!” said the candidate, Donald Trump, the Republican nominee. “I can only lose if the election is rigged. And if it’s rigged . . . well, we have Second Amendment solutions to that.”
Trump, who is running against Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton, said he will “destroy the legitimacy of our democracy” and sow “distrust of all our institutions” if more people vote for Clinton than for him. “I will disregard the work of past generations of Americans who fought and died to build the world’s oldest and most stable democracy and plunge it into anarchy and despair,” he said. “My opponent will forever be tarred as an unfairly elected president. Millions of Americans will join me and together we will make America great—as we make governing it impossible.”
In making his announcement, Trump also asked his followers to stay at his hotels because of trouble he’s been having filling them up. “I’ve got thousands of the best hotel rooms and apartments in this country,” he said. “Beautiful places. Everyone says they’re the best ever. But they’re sitting there empty, people. It’s a disgrace. The best rooms in the world ever, of all time, and the Clinton machine is telling people not to stay in them. When I’m president, Clinton’s going to jail and Americans are going to stay at my beautiful hotels. Everyone’s going to love them.”
Leaders of countries around the world expressed alarm that the United States was being taken hostage. “We have long relied on the United States to be a pillar of stability and order in the world,” said Angela Merkel, the German chancellor. “We call on Mr. Trump to rethink his desperate act and restore the country’s freedom and turn himself in.”
Theresa May, the prime minister of Great Britain, one of the closest allies of the United States, urged American leaders not to give in to Mr. Trump’s demands. “He is demanding a ransom that the United States simply cannot pay,” she said. “He wants to open up its libel laws, institute torture, apply a religious test to immigration, deport Mexicans, and tear up free trade agreements. That is too steep a price to pay. You must reject this extortion and stand up for your democracy. The entire civilized world is counting on you.”
Americans throughout the country said they were having trouble sleeping at night knowing their country was being held hostage to a desperate character. “I don’t think we should cave in to his demands, but I’m worried we’ll lose our democracy entirely if we don’t let him win,” says Rhonda Martin, an elementary school teacher in Tucson, Ariz. “I know it’s wrong not to stand up to hostage-takers, because you can encourage future criminal acts of that kind, but can we let him keep our country tied up and gagged? I just don’t know what to do.”
Mr. Trump said he’s giving the United States until November 8 to give in to his demands or face the consequences. “Either I win the presidency or I destroy your democracy,” he said. “I take the whole shebang down with me!” Beads of sweat appeared above his upper lip as he spoke, his hand shaking slightly as he made his point. “I guarantee you, I’m going to do it,” he said. “I promise you, I will kill your democracy and it won’t be my fault; it will be your fault. Don’t make me kill your democracy.”
This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): sg, ss (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump says he can’t promise to accept the outcome of the election ahead of time because doing so will weaken his negotiating hand should he come up short on November 8. “Any good businessman will tell you not to give away your strongest hand if you want to win a negotiation,”Trump said at a rally today in Altoona, Pa. “My strongest hand is the threat of violence and mayhem from my supporters should I not win at the polls. It’s very important I keep that ace up my sleeve, because without it, there’s nothing to negotiate.” Trump said anything can be negotiated, even elections. “The will of the people sounds high and mighty, but you can’t put together a deal if you say upfront you’ll abide by whatever voters want,” he said. “Think about it. If you say you’ll accept the election outcome, then what’s left to negotiate if you come up short? Nothing. That’s why I have to keep the country in suspense. Without the threat of violence and mayhem from my supporters I’ve got nothing to use as leverage after the votes are counted.” More.
Ayn Rand, Back from the Dead, Calls Americans Ninnies for Threatening Election Violence Rather Than Going Away to Build Utopia in the Rockies
Ayn Rand, the objectivist guru who helped launch the Libertarian movement and serves as inspiration for those in the tea party and others who believe Americans should be self reliant rather than live under the yoke of a paternalistic government, came back from the dead today to tell Americans supporting Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump that they’re “ninnies” for questioning the legitimacy of the election. “If you read Atlas Shrugged all the way through, you know objectivism isn’t about violence and questioning the vote; it’s about withdrawing from the hopeless liberal society and building a utopia in Colorado,” said Rand, who spoke to reporters and a small crowd of people outside Trump Tower in New York City. More.
David Hume to Donald Trump: ‘I was only kidding about preferring the destruction of the world to the scratching of my finger’
The brilliant Scottish philosopher David Hume, whose Treatise of Human Nature in 1739 turned the world of moral philosophy upside down and spurred Immanuel Kant to write his momentous critical philosophy in response, arose from the dead today to tell Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump that he was only kidding when he said it’s perfectly reasonable for someone to prefer the destruction of the world to the scratching of one’s finger “Donald, when I wrote my Treatise I was only 23 years old and was a little full of myself at the time,” said Hume, who died in 1776 at the age of 65. “It was my view, as a brash young man looking to make a name for himself, that reason is the slave of emotions and our moral views are based on our passions, not on our reason. That’s why I said—I’m not sure of the exact words, but it was something like, ‘It is not contrary to reason to prefer the destruction of the whole world to the scratching of my finger.’ More.
Whether he wins or loses in November, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has one constituency that will always stand by his side: America’s perverts, arguably the most maligned group of people in the country. “No one has ever spoken to our issues, but now we have a candidate who understands us and who clearly will be a force for breaking down the barriers that stand between us and the rest of the country,” says Andy P., a pervert who asked that his full name not be used to protect his privacy. Andy P, and others like him say no politician has ever before been sympathetic to people who lurk in the shadows, peep into windows, rub against women on subways, and grab their p*****s without their consent. More.
As Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton participated in a town hall-styled debate in St. Louis on Sunday, a man was seen prowling behind her on stage, making menacing faces and at times standing intimidatingly close to her. St. Louis police say they have looked into the matter and found no evidence a man was stalking Clinton, the first woman to head a major party presidential ticket in the United States. The only person confirmed to be sharing the stage with Clinton that night, they said, was her Republican opponent, Donald Trump. “We had many reports from people in the audience and also from people calling in while viewing the debate at home that a man was seen prowling around on the stage behind Clinton, but at this time the only man we can say with 100 percent certainty was on the stage that night was Donald Trump.” More.
WASHINGTON—Top Republican officials at an emergency meeting here today are deadlocked on whether to change the definition of “GOP” from “Grand Old Party” to either “Grand Old Paranoids” or “Grand Old Predators” based on the governing philosophy of the person at the top of the Republican ticket: Donald Trump. “It’s probably the most conflicted I’ve seen our committee leaders,” said one party official who spoke on the condition of anonymity so he could talk frankly about internal policy deliberations. “On the one hand, we really are becoming the Grand Old Paranoids party, since all of Trump’s closest advisors are from the Breitbart-Info Wars wing of the party. On the other hand, Trump is clearly the leader of the Grand Old Predators wing of the party. So, you couldn’t have a more evenly divided committee.” More.
Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump used a major foreign policy address at Georgetown University in Washington today to lay out his vision of hostile forces around the world aligning to attack the United States under President Obama and removing it from its perch atop the world order. “There’s something going on, people, and it’s happening to us right now while our president, Barack Hussein Obama, looks the other way and talks about registering our guns—disarming us,” he said to a subdued audience in the school’s ornate auditorium. “Hillary Clinton is taking it a step further and getting guns banned from the Constitution.” Trump said the United States, after decades of setting the rules for the world, finds itself embattled from all sides. He cited China building a “military-style air base” in the South China Sea, Russia “flying circles around NATO planes in Scandinavia,” and Iran “completely dominating Israel” while Obama “winks and nods and wastes resources in the fiasco that’s Libya.” More.
Russian president Vladimir Putin says he’s enjoying the positive coverage he’s getting from the endorsement of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump but he doesn’t want to give the impression his success is all about his leadership skills; it helps to be an authoritarian, he says. Putin says he could never work his will if he couldn’t jail critics or have them killed, which takes care of a lot of opposition. He also takes advantage of a rubber-stamp legislative body and gets to set the terms of his election, which is better than running campaign ads, even if they’re good ones. “Truth be told, it helps to do what you want without checks and balances,” he says. “Sure, I’m a good leader. I’m strong. But at the end of the day, I never lose sight of the real source of my strength: my authoritarianism.” More.
Former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein came back from the dead today to throw some shade at Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump for praising the 82 percent approval rating of Russian president Vlaidmir Putin. “Eighty-two percent! I snort at that!” said Hussein, who was executed by the Federal Government of Iraq in 2006, when he was 69. “My Revolutionary Command Council would have had a good laugh if I had run my country as a strongman with only an 82 percent approval, I can tell you that, my friend!” Hussein said a strong leader should never have anything under 100 percent approval, and he pointed to his impressive 111 percent approval rating when he asked his people in a poll what they thought of his job performance in 2003, shortly before an international coalition of forces invaded his country and forced him into hiding. “I am not a sentimental person, but I shed a tear at the love of my people on that day,” said Hussein. More.
Right-wing radio commentator Rush Limbaugh says he loves Glenn Beck, his fellow conservative talker, but his refusal to back Donald Trump for president is just a total bitch slap. “All the times I was there for him, and this is the thanks I get,” Limbaugh said of Beck on his popular radio show today. “When the lefties were calling him a Nazi, I stood up for him. When they were accusing him of being a deranged conspiracist, I had his back. Now when we’re so close to getting Hillary Clinton put into jail, he goes wobbly and says he can’t support Donald Trump because he’s not a true conservative. Oh, aren’t you just so high minded? Are your hemorrhoids bothering you or is that really a stick up your you-know-what?” More.
Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump acknowledged he plans to govern as a dictator but he wanted to reassure voters that he would make decisions in the interests of the country. “When I curb the press, it wont be to hurt America, it will be to make America stronger,” he said. “If I let the press criticize everything I do—and they will, because they’re totally dishonest—I can’t get anything done. I want to get things done, so I have to curb the press. But we’ll still have some free press. We’ll keep the good ones. It won’t be entirely gone.” Trump promised to take a firmer hand on how cases get settled in the courts. “Right now our courts are a disaster,” he said. “We have cases backlogged. Why do we use juries as much as we do? Especially if the person is guilty. Let’s get these guilty criminals directly into jail and save he courts for when we really need them.” More.
The closely watched combover of Donald Trump has been sending sexually suggestive tweets and photos to several of its Twitter followers, federal investigators allege. If true, that could imperil the Republican presidential nomination frontrunner’s candidacy, analysts say. Jerome Casing, chief of social media security at the FBI’s Criminal, Cyber, Response, and Services Branch, says his team has been tracking the combover since April, when it received a tip from one of the hair’s followers that it has been embedding unwanted photos in innuendo-laden tweets. “All I can say is, we’re talking to the combover of Mr. Trump at this time about matters concerning communications on the Internet,” says Casing. “Beyond that we have no comment.” More.
Unverified news reports say Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has been endorsed by the American Association of Conspiracy Theorists (AACT). If true, Trump would be the first presidential candidate to receive the group’s endorsement since Richard Nixon was reportedly endorsed by the group in 1968. “We need a president who won’t be caught sleeping when dark forces around the world align to do harm to the United States,” says a statement attributed to the group, which is said to have been created in 1960, the year the American U2 spy plane was shot down by the Soviet Union during a deep penetration overflight. “I have reason to believe the group is endorsing Trump and I have reason to believe that’s a good thing,” says Alex Jones, host of The Alex Jones Show on Genesis Communications Network and operator of InfoWars, PrisonPlanet, and other websites popular with Americans concerned about the growing number of plots against the United States. More.
Despite His Criminality and Sexual Assault Bragging, He’s Not a Mexican Criminal or Rapist, Trump Says
Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump says he shouldn’t be mistaken for a Mexican, because although his university and foundation are under criminal investigation, his type of criminality is different from a Mexican’s. The same goes for the revelation that he’s a man who sexually assaults women. Although he kisses and grabs women without waiting for their consent, he isn’t a Mexican rapist because he’s a celebrity and the women let him do it. “Hillary Clinton and her slimy rapist husband Bill Clinton are trying to make people believe I’m Mexican because of the criminality of my operations and my history of assaulting and abusing women,” he said today. “But I’m not, and these attacks are part of the rigged election. I can guarantee you, my supporters are going to use their Second Amendment freedom to protest this rigged election when I lose because of Hillary’s cheating.” More.
A new scandal erupted this morning when a tape was discovered of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump talking candidly several years ago about grabbing people’s “credulity” and getting away with it because he’s a star. “You know, It’s like a magnet. I don’t even wait. Grab their credulity. You can do anything,” Trump was heard saying to Fox News host Sean Hannity, unaware that his microphone was live. “And when you’re a star, they let you do it.” The comments, although several years old, caused a firestorm because it feeds into the view that Trump doesn’t respect the people who support him. “Donald Trump should leave the race,” said former Utah governor and presidential candidate Jon Huntsman. “The time has come for the Republican ticket to be led by Mike Pence, who doesn’t believe in evolution and wants to force women who have a legal abortion to hold a funeral for her unborn child.” More.
An explosive photo leaked by the Associated Press today shows a poster of Fox News reporter Megyn Kelly in the bedroom of the iconic combover of Republican presidential nominee frontrunner Donald Trump. The poster depicts Kelly, the veteran TV journalist who sparred with Trump during the first Republican nomination debate last month in Cleveland over the real estate mogul’s treatment of women, framed in images of butterflies and love hearts. She is fully clothed. Since the debate, Kelly and Trump have been locked in a contentious public relations battle over their testy exchange, during which Trump had admitted calling TV host and political activist Rosie McDonnell “fat” and a “pig.” More.
Republican presidential nominee says it’s just like the “PC police” to give him a hard time for calling for the assassination of his Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton, to prevent her from picking the country’s next Supreme Court judges. “Wouldn’t you know I would be criticized for suggesting a Second Amendment solution to a Crooked hillary victory,” Trump said at a campaign stop in Lexington, Va. “You can’t say anything today without running afoul of the PC police.” Trump sparked a round of condemnation yesterday by alluding to what gun owners could do if Clinton wins. “If she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks,” Trump said at a rally in Wilmington, N.C. “Although the Second Amendment people—maybe there is. I don’t know.” More.
Finding time to talk with election riggers who’ve been hired to tip the scales of the 2016 presidential election to Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton hasn’t been easy, especially with the election less than three months away. But Justin Powers, Kermin Jackson, and Ali Siddiqi—the Demcrats’ crack team of election riggers—made time to talk about how the big plans are going. The Nattering Nabobs: You were hired three months ago by the Democratic National Committee to make sure Hillary Clinton wins the election. Is everything falling into place?Ali Siddiqi: Well, point of clarification. We were hired more than a year ago, but we were formally introduced to the media three months ago. TNN: Okay, thanks for the clarification.Justin Powers: I think it takes a little longer than a few months to rig an election! More.
Analysts say pro-Russia remarks appear to be sprinkled into the presidential nomination acceptance speech that Hillary Clinton gave on the last night of the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia, and they wonder if the remarks were added at the last minute by Russian hackers who’ve infiltrated the servers of the DNC. “The speech was more pro-Russia than we expected, and that makes you wonder what the Russians have done now that we know they’ve hacked the DNC servers,” says Jon Brighton, cyber security branch chief at the National Security Agency. One line that might have been added, Brighton says, comes about halfway through Clinton’s speech, when she’s talking about the bonds of trust that appear to be fraying in the United States. “America is once again at a moment of reckoning,” she says. “Powerful forces are threatening to pull us apart. Bonds of trust and respect are fraying. Luckily, we maintain strong bonds of trust with Russia and our good friend Vladimir Putin.” More.
President Barack Obama lashed out at presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump yesterday after a group of white American men showed up at a political rally in Dallas toting guns and intimating they will resort to violence if anyone tries to restrict gun ownership in the wake of another mass shooting. “You can’t solve a problem if you refuse to name it, and Donald Trump disgracefully refuses to say the words ‘radical Americanism’ when we once again have a group of armed white men seeking to intimidate other Americans through their use of guns,” the president said at a news conference at the White House. “Look, the Republican party is led by a man that either is not tough, not smart or he’s got something else in mind. He doesn’t get it or he gets it better than anybody understands—it’s one or the other and either one is unacceptable.” More.