Presidential Candidate Takes United States Hostage

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‘Elect me or the country gets it’

The richest and most powerful country on earth was taken hostage today by a candidate for its presidency who demanded to be elected or he’ll “take the whole country down” with him.

“I don’t lose!” said the candidate, Donald Trump, the Republican nominee. “I can only lose if the election is rigged. And if it’s rigged . . . well, we have Second Amendment solutions to that.”

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Taking over

Trump, who is running against Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton, said he will “destroy the legitimacy of our democracy” and sow “distrust of all our institutions” if more people vote for Clinton than for him. “I will disregard the work of past generations of Americans who fought and died to build the world’s oldest and most stable democracy and plunge it into anarchy and despair,” he said. “My opponent will forever be tarred as an unfairly elected president. Millions of Americans will join me and together we will make America great—as we make governing it impossible.”

In making his announcement, Trump also asked his followers to stay at his hotels because of trouble he’s been having filling them up. “I’ve got thousands of the best hotel rooms and apartments in this country,” he said. “Beautiful places. Everyone says they’re the best ever. But they’re sitting there empty, people. It’s a disgrace. The best rooms in the world ever, of all time, and the Clinton machine is telling people not to stay in them. When I’m president, Clinton’s going to jail and Americans are going to stay at my beautiful hotels. Everyone’s going to love them.”

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May: ‘Don’t give in’

Leaders of countries around the world expressed alarm that the United States was being taken hostage. “We have long relied on the United States to be a pillar of stability and order in the world,” said Angela Merkel, the German chancellor. “We call on Mr. Trump to rethink his desperate act and restore the country’s freedom and turn himself in.”

Theresa May, the prime minister of Great Britain, one of the closest allies of the United States, urged American leaders not to give in to Mr. Trump’s demands. “He is demanding a ransom that the United States simply cannot pay,” she said. “He wants to open up its libel laws, institute torture, apply a religious test to immigration, deport Mexicans, and tear up free trade agreements. That is too steep a price to pay. You must reject this extortion and stand up for your democracy. The entire civilized world is counting on you.”

Americans throughout the country said they were having trouble sleeping at night knowing their country was being held hostage to a desperate character. “I don’t think we should cave in to his demands, but I’m worried we’ll lose our democracy entirely if we don’t let him win,” says Rhonda Martin, an elementary school teacher in Tucson, Ariz. “I know it’s wrong not to stand up to hostage-takers, because you can encourage future criminal acts of that kind, but can we let him keep our country tied up and gagged? I just don’t know what to do.”

Mr. Trump said he’s giving the United States until November 8 to give in to his demands or face the consequences. “Either I win the presidency or I destroy your democracy,” he said. “I take the whole shebang down with me!” Beads of sweat appeared above his upper lip as he spoke, his hand shaking slightly as he made his point. “I guarantee you, I’m going to do it,” he said. “I promise you, I will kill your democracy and it won’t be my fault; it will be your fault. Don’t make me kill your democracy.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): sg, ss (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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