Pervert-Americans Find a Champion in Donald Trump

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Out of basement?

Whether he wins or loses in November, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has one constituency that will always stand by his side: Pervert-Americans, arguably the most maligned group of people in the country.

“No one has ever spoken to our issues, but now we have a candidate who understands us and who clearly will be a force for breaking down the barriers that stand between us and the rest of the country,” says Andy P., a pervert-American who asked that his full name not be used to protect his privacy.

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Always behind?

Andy P. and others like him say no politician has ever before been sympathetic to people who lurk in the shadows, peep into windows, rub against women on subways, and grab their p*****s without their consent.

“What people don’t understand is, for us, this is a watershed election,” says Bill R., a pervert-American who lives in a midwestern state that is not Ohio. “We believe we might finally see the start of a conversation, a dialogue, that will allow pervert-Americans and their issues to enter mainstream society. Of course, we don’t expect to be accepted right away, but we think Trump is opening a door so that, eventually, we can come up from the basement and join others in the living room.”

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Always lurking?

Pervert-Americans say Trump hasn’t openly sided with them on their issues, but he “speaks their language” and otherwise gives every indication that “he is one of us,” starting with his comment about grabbing women by the p***y without their consent. Other indications include the way he touches his daughter and says it’s probably true she’s a “piece of ass,” and that he would probably date her if he wasn’t her father. There’s also his sexualized comments about Paris Hilton when she was a minor. They also point to the way he stalked Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton during the second debate in St. Louis, and his boast about going into contestants’ dressing rooms during beauty pageants to ogle them while they’re naked. And then there are his small hands.

“When you add everything up, it’s clear he would go a long way in legitimizing what we obviously feel is an unfairly stigmatized lifestyle,” says Peter N, a pervert-American in Tucson, Ariz.. “We’re tired of being on the bottom rung of the American ladder. Dare we hope that Mexicans and Muslims will finally take our place there? Or people with disabilities? He’s never knocked us the way he’s knocked others. That’s because he knows. He understands. He feels our pain. We are ready to rise. We are ready to stand tall. We are ready to rise and stand firm. We are ready for him to stand tall and firm and lead us up from the basement, or down from our bedroom, or out from the subway tunnel, and into the living room of mainstream America!”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): ss (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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