Trump Says His Dictatorship Will Be Benevolent

gs

Trump: ‘Trust me’

Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump acknowledged he plans to govern as a dictator but he wanted to reassure voters that he would make decisions in the interests of the country. “When I curb the press, it wont be to hurt America, it will be to make America stronger,” he said. “If I let the press criticize everything I do—and they will, because they’re totally dishonest—I can’t get anything done. I want to get things done, so I have to curb the press. But we’ll still have some free press. We’ll keep the good ones. It won’t be entirely gone.”

Trump promised to take a firmer hand on how cases get settled in the courts. “Right now our courts are a disaster,” he said. “We have cases backlogged. Why do we use juries as much as we do? Especially if the person is guilty. Let’s get these guilty criminals directly into jail and save the courts for when we really need them.”

In Washington, Trump said he’ll make Congress his first target of reform. “All of these guys up there today are bought and sold,” he said. “I’ve bought and sold them myself. They’re not working for the people; they’re working for the rich guys like me, so I will reform the Congress so that we can get things done. That’s going to require hemming them in. It’s not that I want to put more work on my plate, but we’re not getting things done right now. So I will take charge and we can revisit later whether we should hand more power back to Congress.”

On the military, he said he won’t hesitate to strike back against the kind of provocations the United States has been enduring from China, Iran, and North Korea. “These are our enemies,” he said. “They’re laughing at us. We have the nukes. We have the fighters. We have the war ships. We’ll strike back, we’ll escalate. We’re done playing the policeman. We’re going to play the bully. And the generals will do it, or they won’t be generals anymore.

“You’re going to love the changes,” he said. “People want our country to be great. Squabbling about every policy, letting the media have its say—all of these things are going away. People don’t want these things anymore. They want to be tough on defense, they want to keep out the foreigners. America will be great. We need to make changes to do that, but I know Americans are ready for that. They want the change I’m talking about. And if they don’t, they’re on the losing side. They can leave. Later on, they may not be able to.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): gs (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

More stories:

House Republicans, Looking to Get ‘Jump Start,’ Begin Impeachment of Hillary Clinton

ls

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) says he has asked Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-S.C) to start the process of impeaching Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton even though she hasn’t won the presidency yet because waiting could enable her to govern should she win more votes in November than her Republican rival Donald Trump. “I acknowledge it’s unprecedented to start impeaching a president before the president is elected, but we live in unprecedented times and we must act to protect the American people before a president commits an impeachable act that we know the president will commit,” says Ryan, who made his announcement at the Capitol this morning. More.

Their Souls Sold, Christie, Gingrich, Giuliani Line Up to Collect Cabinet Posts

mv

With Donald Trump nearing the presidency, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, and former House Speaker Newt Gingrich have lined up to collect the cabinet posts for which they’ve sold their souls, and there’s disagreement over how the spoils should be divided up. Christie says he should be given the Attorney General post, but Gingrich says he wouldn’t mind having that. Giuliani says he could take that post, too. Giuliani says he’d also like to have Secretary of Defense, and Gingrich says he’d be okay with that if he can have Secretary of State. “I have the stature for it,” Gingrich says. Plus, it would put him fourth in line for the presidency should Trump get food poisoning at one of his hotel restaurants and die. More.

Trump Proclaims Obama American Born, Says He Can Serve Out His Term

s-grab

Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said he has decided President Barack Obama was born in the United States and therefore he is entitled to serve out his term, which ends in January 2017. “I have finished it,” Trump said of the so-called birther issue, which refers to theories on the Internet that Obama, whose father was Kenyan, was born in another country. “President Barack Obama was born in the United States. Period.” On hearing the news, many Americans across the country breathed a sigh of relief. “I was so worried that our president was illegitimate,” says Nancy Carpenter, 68, a retired office assistant in Ames, Iowa. “I wish Donald Trump would have proclaimed Obama American-born before this, but better late than never, I guess.” More.

Putin: ‘Authoritarianism is the Secret to My Success’

kre

Russian president Vladimir Putin says he’s enjoying the positive coverage he’s getting from the endorsement of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump but he doesn’t want to give the impression his success is all about his leadership skills; it helps to be an authoritarian, he says. Putin says he could never work his will if he couldn’t jail critics or have them killed, which takes care of a lot of opposition. He also takes advantage of a rubber-stamp legislative body and gets to set the terms of his election, which is better than running campaign ads, even if they’re good ones. “Truth be told, it helps to do what you want without checks and balances,” he says. “Sure, I’m a good leader. I’m strong. But at the end of the day, I never lose sight of the real source of my strength: my authoritarianism.” More.

Saddam Hussein: ‘Hah! I Had a 111% Approval Rating!’

pd

Former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein came back from the dead today to throw some shade at Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump for praising the 82 percent approval rating of Russian president Vlaidmir Putin. “Eighty-two percent! I snort at that!” said Hussein, who was executed by the Federal Government of Iraq in 2006, when he was 69. “My Revolutionary Command Council would have had a good laugh if I had run my country as a strongman with only an 82 percent approval, I can tell you that, my friend!” Hussein said a strong leader should never have anything under 100 percent approval, and he pointed to his impressive 111 percent approval rating when he asked his people in a poll what they thought of his job performance in 2003, shortly before an international coalition of forces invaded his country and forced him into hiding. “I am not a sentimental person, but I shed a tear at the love of my people on that day,” said Hussein. More.

Study: Trump, Like Saddam Hussein, Has ‘Dictator’s Finger’

coverIs Republican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump a dictator in the making? A report from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology suggests he is, based on a body-language analysis that finds he and former Iraq strongman Saddam Hussein, along with other strongmen throughout history, share a key oratorical gesture. The gesture is called “Dictator’s Finger,” because it’s seen only in people who believe they are infallible. “The moment we saw Donald Trump raise his index finger for the first time in a debate, we saw the connection with dictators throughout history,” says Nelson Pottsmann, professor of communications at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and director of the MIT Center for Body Language and Non-Verbal Communication Studies. More.

Saddam Hussein: ‘Hah! I Had a 111% Approval Rating!’

pd

Former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein came back from the dead today to throw some shade at Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump for praising the 82 percent approval rating of Russian president Vlaidmir Putin. “Eighty-two percent! I snort at that!” said Hussein, who was executed by the Federal Government of Iraq in 2006, when he was 69. “My Revolutionary Command Council would have had a good laugh if I had run my country as a strongman with only an 82 percent approval, I can tell you that, my friend!” Hussein said a strong leader should never have anything under 100 percent approval, and he pointed to his impressive 111 percent approval rating when he asked his people in a poll what they thought of his job performance in 2003, shortly before an international coalition of forces invaded his country and forced him into hiding. “I am not a sentimental person, but I shed a tear at the love of my people on that day,” said Hussein. More.

Trump to Launch ‘Trump Security’ to Capitalize on Increased Violence

ytRepublican presidential nomination frontrunner Donald Trump said he was directing the executive vice president of his company, The Trump Organization, to launch a new company, Trump Security, as soon as possible to take advantage of the growing violence at his rallies and in other aspects of American life. “We’re just getting to be a very violent country and that means we need more security,” Trump said last night in an interview on CNN. “It’s terrible. It’s unfortunate. There are a lot of bad people out there. But it presents an opportunity, too, and that’s what makes me a good businessman. When I see an opportunity, I take it. And there’s an opportunity here to sell good, effective security services, and no one will provide better security than Trump Security, I can promise you.” More.

People ‘Kinda, Sorta’ Getting Used to This ‘Trump Thing’

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Donald_Trump#/media/File:Sarah_Palin_speaks_at_a_rally_after_endorsing_Republican_presidential_candidate_Donald_Trump.jpg

Three out of four Americans say they couldn’t have imagined Donald Trump as president of the United States, but now that he’s been the front-runner for so long, they can “kinda, sorta” see him in the Oval Office now. “Trump is on the phone with Putin and he tells him it’s a BIG mistake for Russia to still be in Crimea, and Putin goes, ‘OK, Donald, help me find a face-saving way to get out.’ Yeah, I can see that conversation happening.” That’s one of the comments from the poll, which was conducted across the United States on the eve of the first-in-the-nation Iowa caucuses. As the poll was conducted, Trump was leading all other Republican contenders in both Iowa and New Hampshire, which will hold the first primary election one week after Iowa. More.

Trump Unveils Plan to Remake Presidency In His Image

twhDonald Trump, the front-runner for the Republican presidential nomination, released his plan today for remaking the White House and its operations into his image should he be elected president. “I didn’t get to where I am today by thinking small,” said Trump, a real estate mogul who is estimated to be worth $1 billion. “When I’m elected, I will think big. A new White House sign. A new White House brand. The White House seal has not been updated since 1968. Think about that. Vietnam. Woodstock. The country has moved on from that period, people. So should the presidency.” Under the plan, the name “Trump” would be incorporated into both the presidential seal and the White House logo. And the same signage on the Trump Tower in New York City would be added to the White House facade. More.

Trump Outlines Plans for a U.S. Department of Deportations

ddd Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump started fleshing out details of his administration should he win in November with release of a detailed plan for a U.S. Department of Deportations that he will create within his first 100 days in office. “We have 11 million illegal Mexicans to deport and 1.6 billion Muslims to keep out of our country, so it’s going to be a big department and it’s going to do things well,” Trump said yesterday at a press conference
in the lobby of his signature building in New York City, Trump Tower. Under the plan, the Department of Deportations will be a part of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security but it will have independent funding and its chief will be a presidential appointee. Trump said the department won’t require annual appropriations from Congress because it will generate its own funds through a levy on Mexican imports into the United States. More.

Trump: ‘Elect Me So I Can Lead a Country Whose Institutions I Hold in Contempt’

trconRepublican nominee Donald Trump asked voters to elect him to the presidency because he wants to oversee a country whose institutions, traditions, and principles he holds in utter contempt. “Our legislative branch is a bunch of losers,” he said. “Our Judiciary puts Mexicans on the bench. Our public servants are incompetents who couldn’t get work in the private sector. I want to lead this country whose institutions I despise, so vote for me.” Trump said he has no respect for a free press. “No where in the Bill of Rights does it say we have a free press,” he said.”Read it. It’s not there. I can guarantee you it’s not there. If you think it’s there, you’re stupid.” More.

Trump: People Say North Korea Is a Hoax, Moon Landing Was Faked, Ronald Reagan Was Murdered

mn

SACRAMENTO, Calif.—Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said today he believes the moon landing in 1969 was real but “many people” believe the whole thing was orchestrated by the federal government to impress the world and scare the Soviets. “I’m not saying I believe that, but many people have questions about it,” Trump said at a campaign appearance here. “There are people who know about these things who say they saw the interior of a warehouse in Los Angeles converted to look like the surface of the moon, complete with fine dust and craters and the whole thing. Lot of tinfoil lying around. More.

Trump Releases Election Manifesto, ‘Contract With Myself’

ghTaking a page from the 1994 congressional elections that swept Republicans into power in the House for the first time in 40 years, Donald Trump unveiled a campaign manifesto called “Contract With Myself” to detail the administrative changes he will make upon his first day in office and the legislative changes he’ll seek from Congress in his first 100 days. “As the only person who can make America great again, I propose fantastic changes to how we govern this once great country,” the preamble to the manifesto reads. “Upon my first day in office, I will sign directives to make the following five reforms: First, remame the White House the Trump White House. Second, replace the Rose Garden with a 6-hole golf course, called Trump White House Greens. More.

Trump: ‘PC Police Won’t Let Me Call For Assassination of Clinton’

mnRepublican presidential nominee says it’s just like the “PC police” to give him a hard time for calling for the assassination of his Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton, to prevent her from picking the country’s next Supreme Court judges. “Wouldn’t you know I would be criticized for suggesting a Second Amendment solution to a Crooked hillary victory,” Trump said at a campaign stop in Lexington, Va. “You can’t say anything today without running afoul of the PC police.” Trump sparked a round of condemnation yesterday by alluding to what gun owners could do if Clinton wins. “If she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks,” Trump said at a rally in Wilmington, N.C. “Although the Second Amendment people—maybe there is. I don’t know.” More.

Trump Says He’ll Let Mexican First Lady Angélica Rivera Into U.S.

commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Angelica_Rivera.jpgRepublican presidential nominee Donald Trump, fresh from his dramatic trip to Mexico to discuss immigration policy, said he would allow Angélica Rivera, the wife of Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto, into the country if she wants to come. “We would make an exception for her, absolutely, and I told her that when I was in Mexico,” Trump said at a campaign stop in Albuquerque, N.M. “I told her I’ll have a car ready for her anytime she wants to come. She has my number. She said she’d like to see Trump Tower. I said I’d like to show it to her.” Rivera, 47, an actress and model before she became Mexico’s First Lady, was born in Mexico City. She has been married to Peña Nieto since 2010. Trump’s trip to Mexico has generated a considerable amount of analysis. In Mexico, he appeared to take a conciliatory approach to the country, but that appeared to change in a major address he gave in Phoenix that night. More.

 

Advertisements