In Major Address, Trump Outlines Vision of Grand Conspiracy Against U.S.

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Threat to America

Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump used a major foreign policy address at Georgetown University in Washington today to lay out his vision of hostile forces around the world aligning to attack the United States under President Obama and removing it from its perch atop the world order.

“There’s something going on, people, and it’s happening to us right now while our president, Barack Hussein Obama, looks the other way and talks about registering our guns—disarming us,” he said to a subdued audience in the school’s ornate auditorium. “Hillary Clinton is taking it a step further and getting guns banned from the Constitution.”

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Enemy in our midst

Trump said the United States, after decades of setting the rules for the world, finds itself embattled from all sides. He cited China building a “military-style air base” in the South China Sea, Russia “flying circles around NATO planes in Scandinavia,” and Iran “completely dominating Israel” while Obama “winks and nods and wastes resources in the fiasco that’s Libya.”

The endgame, said Trump, is the “feminization of the United States,” the “rape of a great country that let itself get taken over by the PC police.”

Although he didn’t cite him by name, Xi Jinping of China, Trump suggested, is the behind-the-scenes leader of what has become a global effort to replace the United States as the world’s dominant power. “Brexit didn’t just happen,” he said, alluding to the vote earlier this summer in Great Britain to break ties to the European Union, shaking up one of the cornerstones of Western stability in the post-World War II era. “It’s all part of the same plan to turn Europe into a big France that can’t stand up for anything because it’s too concerned about whether cream in its lattes is from an organic farm that prints its labels in 40 languages.”

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Friend? Foe?

Trump said the United States reflexively condemns strong leaders like Vladimir Putin of Russia, Jinping of China, and Sayyed Ali Khamenei in Iran because it’s “horsewhipped” by “women, Mexicans, Muslims, gays, and blacks.

“We might as well fight with one hand tied behind our backs,” he said. “Instead of paving the Middle East with asphalt so we can get our oil more easily, we’re requiring schools to have safe rooms so students don’t have to be exposed to people who speak up for the Second Amendment.”

Trump said Japan and South Korea, two of the United States’ key allies in Asia, “are playing up North Korea as a danger because they want our military for free,” he said. “North Korea isn’t a danger. It’s a farm that our freeloader friends write a press release about whenever we talk about making them pay for military protection. Someone’s got to tell them they can’t be like France. You can’t work 28 hours a week and expect America to defend your country. I only get four hours of sleep a night. They can work a little harder and pay for their own military.”

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New world order?

Trump warned that, within two years, the United States would be “totally dominated” by others if Clinton wins the presidency. “Putin will have her taking shorthand while he orders his air force into Crimea and turns it into a resort for the 2032 summer Olympics.”

He said he would partner with Putin, if he becomes president, “because together we can totally call the shots. Think about it. We’ll have 90 percent of the world’s nuclear weapons. You think China’s gonna keep thumbing its nose at us if we control 90 percent of the nuclear weapons? You got Russia on one side, and you got us on the other. Let China build its military base in the South China Sea. Where’s it gonna fly? Thailand? It can get good Chop Suey in Beijing; it doesn’t need to fly to Thailand. But if it wants to try, go ahead.”

tfptBut Trump saved his most dire warnings for ISIS and radical Islamic terrorists in the Middle East. “You think they don’t know how weak we are under Obama?” he said. “They’re laughing up their sleeve at us. They’re not laughing at Putin. And Xi is encouraging them. He’s gonna have them start blowing themselves up on the streets of Tokyo so there’s no question who’s the dominant power over there. If you think Japan wants our free military now, wait until they got Islamic terrorists blowing themselves up in sushi bars. China will be laughing all the way to Cuba, where they’ll probably meet Ted Cruz’s dad, by the way. Havana’s not that far from Texas, folks. Remember that when Lyin’ Ted tries to steal the election in 2020.”

Trump also said he wants to get rid of the U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development. “We don’t need a whole department just to hand out rental subsidies to people who work at McDonald’s,” he said. “The states already have departments that do that. HUD can just give them the money and the Attorney General can sort it all out later.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified) ds, tnn, gs (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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Trump Reportedly Endorsed by American Association of Conspiracy Theorists

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Unverified news reports say Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has been endorsed by the American Association of Conspiracy Theorists (AACT). If true, Trump would be the first presidential candidate to receive the group’s endorsement since Richard Nixon was reportedly endorsed by the group in 1968. “We need a president who won’t be caught sleeping when dark forces around the world align to do harm to the United States,” says a statement attributed to the group, which is said to have been created in 1960, the year the American U2 spy plane was shot down by the Soviet Union during a deep penetration overflight. “I have reason to believe the group is endorsing Trump and I have reason to believe that’s a good thing,” says Alex Jones, host of The Alex Jones Show on Genesis Communications Network and operator of InfoWars, PrisonPlanet, and other websites popular with Americans concerned about the growing number of plots against the United States. More.

Saddam Hussein: ‘Hah! I Had a 111% Approval Rating!’

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Former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein came back from the dead today to throw some shade at Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump for praising the 82 percent approval rating of Russian president Vlaidmir Putin. “Eighty-two percent! I snort at that!” said Hussein, who was executed by the Federal Government of Iraq in 2006, when he was 69. “My Revolutionary Command Council would have had a good laugh if I had run my country as a strongman with only an 82 percent approval, I can tell you that, my friend!” Hussein said a strong leader should never have anything under 100 percent approval, and he pointed to his impressive 111 percent approval rating when he asked his people in a poll what they thought of his job performance in 2003, shortly before an international coalition of forces invaded his country and forced him into hiding. “I am not a sentimental person, but I shed a tear at the love of my people on that day,” said Hussein. More.

Peña Nieto, in Revised Statement, Says the Wall Offers Job Training, Engineering Work

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Citing a “great deal” that Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump promised him on supplies, labor, and land, Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto says he is rethinking his opposition to the wall Trump wants to build to separate the two countries. “Of course, there are a lot of negatives to the wall,” Peña Nieto said in his revised statement, issued this morning at the National Palace in Mexico City. “But there is much more of an upside to this than I realized.” Peña Nieto said Trump, with his extensive ties to real estate and development interests in the United States, can get him a “great deal” on everything it would take to build the wall, which is intended to keep out Mexicans who come to the U.S. illegally. “Deals like this don’t come around every day,” he said. More.

Christian Leaders, at Trump Rally, Can’t Understand Why More Americans are Identifying as Atheists

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David Hume to Donald Trump: ‘I was only kidding about preferring the destruction of the world to the scratching of my finger’

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The brilliant Scottish philosopher David Hume, whose Treatise of Human Nature in 1739 turned the world of moral philosophy upside down and spurred Immanuel Kant to write his momentous critical philosophy in response, arose from the dead today to tell Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump that he was only kidding when he said it’s perfectly reasonable for someone to prefer the destruction of the world to the scratching of one’s finger “Donald, when I wrote my Treatise I was only 23 years old and was a little full of myself at the time,” said Hume, who died in 1776 at the age of 65. “It was my view, as a brash young man looking to make a name for himself, that reason is the slave of emotions and our moral views are based on our passions, not on our reason. That’s why I said—I’m not sure of the exact words, but it was something like, ‘It is not contrary to reason to prefer the destruction of the whole world to the scratching of my finger.’ More.

Smiling Martian Face Proof of a Cover-up, NASA Critics Say

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coverIs Republican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump a dictator in the making? A report from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology suggests he is, based on a body-language analysis that finds he and former Iraq strongman Saddam Hussein, along with other strongmen throughout history, share a key oratorical gesture. The gesture is called “Dictator’s Finger,” because it’s seen only in people who believe they are infallible. “The moment we saw Donald Trump raise his index finger for the first time in a debate, we saw the connection with dictators throughout history,” says Nelson Pottsmann, professor of communications at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and director of the MIT Center for Body Language and Non-Verbal Communication Studies. More.

DNC Hacking: Are Pro-Putin Remarks Hidden in Hillary’s Acceptance Speech?

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And you can too

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Parliament Votes to Allow Trump’s Combover Into Britain, But Not Trump

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LONDON—After a raucous parliamentary debate, members of the House of Commons voted to allow the combover of Donald Trump into Great Britain, should he be elected president of the United States, but Trump himself was not welcome. “We do not want to hold Donald Trump’s bigotry and nativism against his hair,” said Gavin Blair, an MP from the southwest district of London. Nigel Robinson, an MP from Birmingham, argued that the hair should be banned as well, but his argument left many unconvinced. “I made my case and I lost, and I accept that,” he said. “But I do believe his hair should not be allowed to get off scot free in this debate. My apologies to the Scots, who I hope won’t try to secede again.” More.

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https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Barack_Obama#/media/File:Barack_Obama_thinking,_first_day_in_the_Oval_Office.jpgU.S. President Barack Obama said today in an interview with the foreign press that it’s been a tough seven years and he still has one more to go, but he takes comfort knowing it will soon be over and and he can go back to Kenya. “That’s what keeps me going,” he said. The first black president of the United States said adjusting to life in America has not been easy, even though he’s lived here most of his life. But he thinks he did a good job as president and would like to run for the presidency of Kenya in a few years, if the people of his native country will have him. “Winning election in Kenya is not quite as straight-forward as it is here,” he said. “Here, you give a few speeches and, if people like your style, you become well-known and then you just compete in primaries and caucuses held by the states. More.

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We’re All Rapists and Criminals, Mexican Agrees

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Obama at Coat Hanger Factory Touts America’s Manufacturing Might

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Last laugh?

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China Releases 5-Year Plan For World Domination

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