GOP Calls in Palin, Bachmann to Lend Gravitas to Weakening Trump Campaign

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Palin: ‘Let’s think hard’

Worried that Donald Trump’s focus on score-settling and conspiracy mongering is dooming Republicans’ chance of winning the White House, GOP leaders have asked party heavyweights Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann to help right the listing campaign.

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Bachmann: ‘Let’s get serious’

“Trump will be a good president because he understands the needs of hurting Americans, but we first need to win the presidency and we think that requires adding some intellectual heft to his campaign team,” says Reince Priebus, the Republican National Committee chair. “We are pleased to announce that two of our party’s most well-respected thought leaders, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and former Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, have agreed to return to the political fray on behalf of our nominee for president.”

Palin, tapped to be the running mate of Sen. John McCain of Arizona when he was the Republican presidential nominee in 2008, is expected to bring considerable policy heft to the Trump effort.

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Trump: Finally disciplined?

“Let’s not forget she has a lot of experience dealing with Russia, the country right next door to her state of Alaska,” says Sam Hutchinson, a Republican party consultant who is working on several down-ballot congressional races this year. “She also has a deep understanding of the “lock-and-load” school of gun policy, and she’s a serious student of domestic issues, staying informed by reading all sorts of magazines and stuff.”

Where Palin brings her executive experience to the campaign, Bachmann brings legislative experience based on her eight years in the U.S. House of Representatives. “One thing Trump needs right now is solid, no-frills proposals that will help Americans who are struggling in today’s global economy, and that’s what Michele Bachmann brings,” says Amanda Sykes, a resident scholar at the conservative Heritage Foundation. “Bachmann owned a small business with her husband, a Christian counseling service that provided conversion therapy to gay men and women. So, she understands first-hand how government can hurt the private sector. She also brings a lot of knowledge about our country’s toughest social issues—abortion, marriage equality—that can help Trump get the message out to voters that he wants to find solutions, not just make headlines.”

The two party leaders are scheduled to meet with Trump later this week, and party analysts are confident a new Trump will emerge for the final two-month stretch of the election. “This is what the campaign has needed for a long time,” says Priebus. “Adult supervision.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified) ds, gs (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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