Meet the Democratic Operatives Hired to Rig the Presidential Election


Interview room

Finding time to talk with election riggers who’ve been hired to tip the scales of the 2016 presidential election to Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton hasn’t been easy, especially with the election less than three months away. But Justin Powers, Kermin Jackson, and Ali Siddiqi—the Demcrats’ crack team of election riggers—made time to talk about how the big plans are going.

The Nattering Nabobs: You were hired three months ago by the Democratic National Committee to make sure Hillary Clinton wins the election. Is everything falling into place? Siddiqi: Well, point of clarification. We were hired more than a year ago, but we were formally introduced to the media three months ago.

TNN: Okay, thanks for the clarification.

Justin Powers: I think it takes a little longer than a few months to rig an election! [Laughs.]

TNN: Does it take a long time? I think that’s what people are curious about. What does it take to rig an election?

Kermin Jackson: It depends on how you want to approach it. What we’re trying to do is make sure people vote multiple times, and that, of course, requires our legal team to bat down the voter ID laws Republicans have tried to put in place.

TNN: I see you’ve had some victories on that front. Courts have struck down several of those laws in recent weeks.

Jackson: We have some damn good lawyers working on it, for sure. I can now go to the polls in North Carolina as many times as I want since I don’t have to show any ID.,200_&refRID=Q0YKSY2X3HWPVVH7TTZ9&linkCode=li2&tag=daily031-20&linkId=d5ceb8ed57b9ee80fc44723777084672TNN: But I suppose Republicans can do the same . . . ?

Powers: In theory, yes. But Republicans have a little problem. It’s called the Bible. They take their religion seriously. So, no, they wouldn’t cheat in that way. Advantage: Democrats.

TNN: So, that’s the legal side. What else are you doing?

Jackson: Well, you can expect to hear accusations of hacking, but we’re denying that right now.

TNN: Are you at liberty to talk about who you’re not working with on this project that isn’t happening?

Siddiqi: Let’s just say the people who don’t like the United States offshoring its jobs won’t be happy with us.

TNN: Oh, yeah, offshoring is a touchy subject. On the other hand, the Republicans have the Russians working on their side. The Democrats should have their own offshore hackers as well.

Powers: We should indeed.

Jackson: Have we mentioned the disinformation campaign we’ll be executing? You saw how the Republicans did this kind of thing during the Iowa caucuses, when Ted Cruz spread the lie that Ben Carson was preparing to withdraw from the race. We’ll do it better than that, I’m confident. But it comes down to the same thing: passing along a lie until it goes viral.

TNN: So, what I’m hearing is a three-front campaign: shoot down voter ID laws, hack the voting machines, and spread disinformation.

Powers: Well, there’s one other angle. We call it our secret weapon,

TNN: I’m intrigued. What is it?

Siddiqi: [Laughing] You haven’t figured it out yet? It’s already taking effect.


Secret weapon

TNN: Uh, have Tim Kaine send coded messages to Latino voters in Spanish? I don’t know.

Jackson: It’s Trump! D’uh!

Powers: We got history’s most unqualified person to be the Republican nominee! All this other stuff is just window dressing. Really, our job here is done. The election was handed over to the Democrats on July 21.

TNN: I was wondering how you found the time to meet with me. Now I know. Well, carry on with your window dressing, then. Make it look like the Democrats stole it.

Jackson: If only it were that easy. With Trump at the top of the ticket, stealing the election is the least of our challenges. Making it look like the Republicans didn’t throw it away is going to take everything we have. But we’ll try to make it look good.

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified) wng, gs (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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