Clinton Can’t Decide Whether She’d Rather Be Indicted or Exonerated

The U.S. Department of Justice is set to announce whether it will press charges against presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton for her use of a private email server while she was secretary of state. Whichever way the announcement goes, though, Clinton comes out a loser, and Clinton says she’s okay with that.

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“If the Department of Justice says it will press charges, I guess I would be in ‘big trouble,'” Clinton says. “Hah hah. It would be unprecedented for a major party candidate to face federal criminal charges while running for president of the United States. But if it exonerates me, the Justice department will be playing into the hands of critics who say the system is rigged in my favor. No matter what happens, I’m screwed. Hah hah.”

Clinton says she breathed a sigh of relief when she learned her husband, Bill Clinton, met with U.S. Attorney General Loretta Lynch last week in an impromptu meeting when they ran into each other at the Phoenix airport. “Bill’s meeting fueled the impression that Lynch can’t be objective because she’s too cozy with me and my husband,” Clinton says. “That just makes it harder for me to come out a winner, no matter what the Justice Department does. Ho ho.”

“Everyone has a role to play in life, and my role is to be hated and loved by Americans in equal measure,” she says. “I’ve pretty much put Benghazi behind me. But now I know the email scandal is big enough to fill the void. Luckily, whether I’m indicted or exonerated, my email misdeeds will only get bigger in people’s minds, so I think everything is the way it should be. The earth is turning on its axis.”

Even so, an inside source says, Bill is banned from the couple’s Chappaqua, N.Y., house and he will also be banned from sleeping in the master bedroom in the White House should they take up residency there again. “As much as Hillary loves being sacrificed on the alter of America’s divided house, she’s certainly ready to punch Bill’s lights out,” says the source, who spoke on the condition of anonymity.

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified) gs, pd (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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