Trump Releases Election Manifesto, ‘Contract With Myself’

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Taking a page from the 1994 congressional elections that swept Republicans into power in the House for the first time in 40 years, Donald Trump unveiled a campaign manifesto called “Contract With Myself” to detail the administrative changes he will make upon his first day in office and the legislative changes he’ll seek from Congress in his first 100 days.

“As the only person who can make America great again, I propose fantastic changes to how we govern this once great country,” the preamble to the manifesto reads. “Upon my first day in office, I will sign directives to make the following five reforms:

cmFirst, remame the White House the Trump White House
Second, replace the Rose Garden with a 6-hole golf course, called Trump White House Greens
Third, the Blair House, which accommodates visiting heads of state, will be renamed the Trump Blair House and turned into a luxury bed and breakfast available to the public at $2,300 a night
Fourth, Pennsylvania Ave. will be renamed Melania Way until I remarry, at which time it will be named whatever my next wife is named, unless her name is Hillary
Fifth, the government will buy back the presidential yacht and rename it the Trump Sequoia

The contract then specifies three laws Trump will seek from Congress within the first 100 days of his administration:

1. The Repay Donald Trump Campaign Debt Act.
Millions of dollars in corporate contributions to the self-funded Donald Trump campaign fund are not enough to pay back the millions in loans Donald Trump made to himself to finance his self-funded presidential bid. To supplement the corporate contributions to the self-funded Trump fund, the law will direct Congress to repay the self-funded Donald Trump for President campaign account.

2. The Donald Trump Branded Products Act.
A great country uses great products, and no products are greater than Donald Trump branded products. The law will direct Congress to mandate the use of Trump branded products for all official government functions. Donald Trump branded products include steaks, chocolate, and water. Coming soon are Trump branded chocolate cream sandwich cookies manufactured in Mexico.

3. The Donald Trump Legal Settlement Act.
In 40 years of business, Donald Trump and his business, The Trump Organization, have initiated or defended more than 3,500 lawsuits. That’s almost 100 lawsuits a year. The law will direct Congress to settle all lawsuits without delay with the exception of the lawsuit Donald Trump will be filing against biased federal appellate court judge Gonzalo Curiel.

The contract then closes with a pledge of accountability:

“Whereas Donald Trump loves himself, and also has appreciation for the poorly educated, he hereby pledges his name to his Contract with Myself.”

Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich, who led the 1994 Republican election surge and helped formulate the original Contract With America campaign manifesto, says Trump’s promise to himself is a bold move that finally puts America’s voters in their place. “Are you with her or are you with him?” he says. “I know where I am: I’m with the person who stands firmly with himself. I’m with Donald Trump.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified) pd, gs (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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