George Will, the Pulitzer Prize winning conservative commentator known for his intellectual gravitas and biting wit, sent shockwaves through Washington when he quit the Republican party in late June, saying, “This is not my party.” The voters react.
“Are you talking about that guy with the bow tie? I’d like to punch him in the face.”—Darrell Banks, retired pig farmer, Terra Haute, Ind.
“He’s on TV, right?”–Arnold Smith, equipment salesman, North Platte, Neb.
“He sounds like he has money. You think he’d like to see my picture?”–Mary Barton, waitress, Harrisonville, Mo.
“Is he one of those fancy pants who gets paid for doing nothing? I’m OK if he leaves.”–Alan Henderson, unemployed steel worker, Champaign, Ill.
“Is he related to George Washington?”–Bill Nelson, store clerk, Erie Pa.
“Who?”–Trey Knowles, police officer, Brownsville, Texas
“Who?”—Sam Ralston, truck mechanic, Lorain, Ohio
This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified) sa (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
Taking a page from the 1994 congressional elections that swept Republicans into power in the House for the first time in 40 years, Donald Trump unveiled a campaign manifesto called “Contract With Myself” to detail the administrative changes he will make upon his first day in office and the legislative changes he’ll seek from Congress in his first 100 days. “As the only person who can make America great again, I propose fantastic changes to how we govern this once great country,” the preamble to the manifesto reads. “Upon my first day in office, I will sign directives to make the following five reforms: First, remame the White House the Trump White House. Second, replace the Rose Garden with a 6-hole golf course, called Trump White House Greens. More.
Fresh from his stinging defeat for the Republican presidential nomination, Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) is applying lessons learned as he embarks on his bid to stay in the U.S. Senate. “Although I’m disappointed I didn’t do better against Donald Trump, I can say I’ve learned valuable lessons from him during the race and I plan to apply those lessons to my race to remain Florida’s senator.” Among the lessons learned, he says, is the need to question President Barack Obama’s agenda, and, by extension, Hillary Clinton’s agenda. “Barack Obama wants to make fundamental changes to what America is, the kind of country it is,” he says. “Barack Obama knows exactly what he’s doing, and so does Hillary Clinton.” More.
“Hi, I’m Omar Mateen, and I just wanted to let you know there’s no better weapon of freedom and liberty then the AR-15. You know, if you ever find yourself in a nightclub full of gays and just want to take ’em all out, the AR-15 is the gun for you. It’s quick loading, has amazing range and accuracy, and each magazine comes with enough bullets to kill many people. And a well-designed barrel site makes it easy to find and shoot your target before he/she has a chance to ‘hit the deck!’ Yes, when you’re deep into a mass shooting, it’s not easy to keep track of all the people you want to kill. But with the AR-15, you have a piece of equipment that removes a lot of the guesswork. Plus, the National Rifle Association says the gun is great for hunting and home security! Not to mention freedom fighting! More.
One of the largest employers of minimum-wage workers says it “totally” supports increasing the minimum wage to $15 from the current $7.25, and it also says it wants to help unemployed young people obtain “real-world work experience” by launching a nationwide unpaid internship program. “Many young people today simply don’t have an opportunity to get on-the-ground work experience,” Ned Turner, chairman and CEO of Hamburger O Rama, said at a press conference today at the company’s Omaha, Neb., headquarters. “That’s why we’re so excited about our initiative to give millions of young people concrete, nuts-and-bolts work experience by hiring them as unpaid interns.” Turner said the internship program will provide young people “invaluable” lessons in what makes a popular service business like Hamburger O Rama run. “Our business is built around a 99¢ hamburger,” he said. “Under our program, interns will learn everything about our core product: how to cook it, serve it, clean up after the customer has eaten it . . . . More.
In a move that’s sure to make to make it harder for Donald Trump to get his election message out, Twitter has suspended the account of the presumptive Republican presidential nominee for including banned hate speech in his tweets. “We take our responsibilities to foster respectful dialogue seriously,” Twitter Chief Enforcement Officer David Hearns says in a statement the company released this morning. “This was not a decision we made lightly, but we stand by our policy and did what we felt we had to under the circumstances.” Under the company’s hate-speech policy, accounts are suspended 60 days for tweets that . . . . More.
Homeless people are bedeviled by more than the lack of a safe and sanitary place to live; they also have terrible sex lives, a study released by MIT and Columbia University shows. “With no place to call their own and with few resources with which to acquire the accoutrements of a good sex life—lingerie, flowers, wine—homeless persons are condemned to live with little to no sex, and when they have sex, it’s usually pretty crummy,” the study says. Privacy is the big hurdle but it’s not the only one. “Both partners often have bad or no teeth, poor hygiene, ill-fitting clothes, uncomfortable beds, and a shortage of cigarettes to smoke when they’re done,” the study says. More.
The bible of the journalism profession, The Associated Press Stylebook, has downgraded Donald Trump to a “millionaire” because his “billionaire” claims cannot be verified. “We take our responsibilities as the official guide to journalists in the United States seriously, and we feel the only responsible course of action is to downgrade the status of Donald Trump from billionaire to millionaire until further notice,” says Alfred Whitehurst, editor-in-chief of the Stylebook. Under the reference to Trump in the latest edition, Trump is identified as, “Trump, Donald J., millionaire* real estate developer and 2016 presumptive Republican nominee for president of the United States.” More.
Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump says he hasn’t started arranging his combover in a different way to reflect the surge in popularity of Hillary Clinton now that she has amassed enough delegates to be his Democratic opponent in the general election this fall. “Crooked Hillary will be in jail before she’s the Democratic nominee, so I can assure you I haven’t changed anything about my hair,” Trump said at a campaign stop in San Diego this morning. “I’ve been combing it the same way since I was 30 years old. And you know why? Because it’s perfect the way it is. Even the Mexicans love it. They wish they could have my hair. And maybe they can someday, if they behave themselves.” More.