Rubio Refashions Himself For Senate Reelection Campaign

mr

Changed man?

Fresh from his stinging defeat for the Republican presidential nomination, Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) is applying lessons learned as he embarks on his bid to stay in the U.S. Senate. “Although I’m disappointed I didn’t do better against Donald Trump, I can say I’ve learned valuable lessons from him during the race,” he says. “And I plan to apply those lessons to my race to remain Florida’s senator.”

rl

Likes ‘Big’ Marco

A look at his positions, however, shows little change in what he’ll fight for in a second Senate term, leaving analysts stumbling for words to describe how he’s obviously so different. “I sense that he points his fingers more now,” says conservative firebrand Rush Limbaugh. “He speaks in simpler sentences. I feel there’s something different about him, without a doubt.”

Mitch's bitch

Yes to Rubio II

Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell says he’s confident the change will be clear soon. “I have nothing but the highest admiration for my Florida colleague, and I look forward to more of the changes he’s clearly making,” he says. “I know he will continue to make these changes that are so evident in the differences from how he was before.”

Janice Arnold, a resident of Jacksonville, Fla., who voted for Rubio almost six years ago and plans to vote for him again, says she can’t put her finger on it, but she does believe he’s changed. “He seems more forceful now, more exciting,” she says. “There’s a little hint of danger about him now, like he’s more unpredictable, tougher, ready to bend the rules and make people uneasy. Whatever it is, he’s definitely sexier now. I sure hope he wins. And yet I can’t quite put my finger on what’s different.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified) pd (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

More stories:

Rubio: Should Have Hit the Genitalia Thing Longer and Harder

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Marco_Rubio_in_2016#/media/File:Marco_Rubio_by_Gage_Skidmore_10.jpg

Fla. Sen. Marco Rubio said yesterday his biggest mistake was waiting too long and going too soft on Republican nomination frontrunner Donald Trump’s genitalia. “Had I brought out the genitalia attack in early February, when it would have had the most impact, I could have dented Trump’s momentum and carried far more Super Tuesday states than just Minnesota,” he said. Rubio spoke with reporters after his announcement last night that he was ending his campaign for president. Rubio also said he should have hit the genitalia issue harder. “It wasn’t enough to allude to the fact that Trump had small genitalia,” he said. “I underestimated how important a line of argument that was. The situation called for a full frontal assault on his finger length, which would have suggested more than just his fingers were short. But you can’t turn back time. It is what it is.” More.

Trump Releases Election Manifesto, ‘Contract With Myself’

ghTaking a page from the 1994 congressional elections that swept Republicans into power in the House for the first time in 40 years, Donald Trump unveiled a campaign manifesto called “Contract With Myself” to detail the administrative changes he will make upon his first day in office and the legislative changes he’ll seek from Congress in his first 100 days. “As the only person who can make America great again, I propose fantastic changes to how we govern this once great country,” the preamble to the manifesto reads. “Upon my first day in office, I will sign directives to make the following five reforms: First, remame the White House the Trump White House. Second, replace the Rose Garden with a 6-hole golf course, called Trump White House Greens. More.

Obama: ‘Why Won’t Trump Say “Radical Americanism?”‘

o

President Barack Obama lashed out at presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump yesterday after a group of white American men showed up at a political rally in Dallas toting guns and intimating they will resort to violence if anyone tries to restrict gun ownership in the wake of another mass shooting. “You can’t solve a problem if you refuse to name it, and Donald Trump disgracefully refuses to say the words ‘radical Americanism’ when we once again have a group of armed white men seeking to intimidate other Americans through their use of guns,” the president said at a news conference at the White House. “Look, the Republican party is led by a man that either is not tough, not smart or he’s got something else in mind. He doesn’t get it or he gets it better than anybody understands—it’s one or the other and either one is unacceptable.” More.

Trump Promises Not to Brag If NRA OKs Gun Ban For Suspected Terrorists

mg

Presumptive Republican presidental nominee Donald Trump has called for a meeting with the National Rifle Association to discuss a gun ban for people on the government’s terrorist watch list, but he promises he won’t take credit if the NRA agrees with him and he achieves a policy goal others couldn’t achieve. “I’ll do something that no one thought could be done, but I don’t want your congrats, believe me,” Trump said at a campaign stop in Pennsylvania this morning. “If the NRA tells Congress it’s OK to impose a gun ban on suspected terrorists, I won’t talk about how I did the deal. I don’t need the credit. More.

Omar Mateen: AR-15 Helps Your Mass Killing Stand Out From the Pack

ad

“Hi, I’m Omar Mateen, and I just wanted to let you know there’s no better weapon of freedom and liberty then the AR-15. You know, if you ever find yourself in a nightclub full of gays and just want to take ’em all out, the AR-15 is the gun for you. It’s quick loading, has amazing range and accuracy, and each magazine comes with enough bullets to kill many people. And a well-designed barrel site makes it easy to find and shoot your target before he/she has a chance to ‘hit the deck!’ Yes, when you’re deep into a mass shooting, it’s not easy to keep track of all the people you want to kill. But with the AR-15, you have a piece of equipment that removes a lot of the guesswork. Plus, the National Rifle Association says the gun is great for hunting and home security! Not to mention freedom fighting! More.

NRA: Without More Violence, We’ll Never Solve Our Violence Problem

gs2

Wayne LaPierre, the head of the National Rifle Association, said today the United States will never get a handle on its problem with violence until more people get their hands on guns so more people can meet violence with violence. “There simply aren’t enough people with enough firepower to stop the violence,” LaPierre said. His remarks came in the wake of the of the latest random mass shooting in the United States. Yesterday, Omar Mateen used several automatic weapons to kill more than 50 people and wound an equal number at an Orlando, Fla., gay nightclub. “Would so many people be dead if some of the people had been armed in that nightclub?” LaPierre said at his news conference. More.

Hamburger Franchise: $15 Minimum Wage is Fine; Announces Nationwide Unpaid Internship Program

commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:McDonald%27s_terminals#/media/File:McDonald%27s_terminals,_Novosibirsk_1.jpgOne of the largest employers of minimum-wage workers says it “totally” supports increasing the minimum wage to $15 from the current $7.25, and it also says it wants to help unemployed young people obtain “real-world work experience” by launching a nationwide unpaid internship program. “Many young people today simply don’t have an opportunity to get on-the-ground work experience,” Ned Turner, chairman and CEO of Hamburger O Rama, said at a press conference today at the company’s Omaha, Neb., headquarters. “That’s why we’re so excited about our initiative to give millions of young people concrete, nuts-and-bolts work experience by hiring them as unpaid interns.” Turner said the internship program will provide young people “invaluable” lessons in what makes a popular service business like Hamburger O Rama run. “Our business is built around a 99¢ hamburger,” he said. “Under our program, interns will learn everything about our core product: how to cook it, serve it, clean up after the customer has eaten it . . . . More.

Trump: ‘My Women Will Tell You I’m Not a Misogynist’

mnRepublican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump said today he’s not a misogynist and that “his women” will tell you that. “My wife Melania and my daughter Ivanka, just ask them,” said Trump. “They’ll tell you I’m no misogynist. And my other women—Marla and Ivana. They’ll tell you the same thing. All of my women, past and present, know I like women. In fact, I love women. I love them a lot.” Trump said “his women at work” also know he’s not a misogynist. “I give all of my women at The Trump Company opportunity. I give them responsibility. I don’t have to give them those things, but I do. Because my women are the best. In fact, I wouldn’t have anything but the best women.” More.

Poll: Voters OK With a Little Bigotry in President

b chartAlmost 60 percent of Republicans say a little bigotry isn’t a “deal killer” in determining who gets their vote for president, and about that same percentage say “it’s not critical” the next president represent all Americans as long as “a good chunk” of Americans are represented, according to the results of the most recent Center for American Politics poll. The results suggest Republican party leaders and big-money donors face headwinds in their effort to deny the 2016 Republican presidential nomination to real estate mogul Donald Trump, who has been accused of making bigoted and other divisive remarks on the campaign trail. More.

Aide: ‘Acting Presidential Will Kill the Trump Campaign’

mn

A high-ranking staff aide to Republican presidential nomination frontrunner Donald Trump says the candidate and his advisors have talked multiple times about him acting presidential on the campaign trail, but they know if he does, the millions of angry white Americans who support him will be disappointed and either back another candidate or not vote. “This is topic number one in our meetings,” says the aide, who asked not to be identified so he could speak candidly about internal deliberations. “We have guys who are adamant that Trump learn the issues, get familiar with the complexities of the world and also behave like a normal candidate at his rallies. Then we have others who say he should absolutely not do that. Right now, the ‘don’t act presidential’ camp is winning.” More.

McConnell: Moderate Supreme Court Pick Shows How Radical Obama Is

pd

The judge picked to replace Antonin Scalia on the nation’s highest court, Merrick Garland, couldn’t make it more clear that President Obama is intentionally trying to change the country into something most Americans wouldn’t recognize, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said yesterday. “To come forward at this time with a distinguished judge who has been praised by both Republicans and Democrats for his professionalism and meticulous respect for the law exposes Obama for what he is,” said McConnell (R-Ky.). “There should no longer be any question that Obama intends to drive his agenda as far as he can in his remaining months in office, and we need to stop that before he leaves our country permanently changed.” More.

Trump to Pick Daughter Ivanka to Be Vice Presidential Running Mate

ag

Republican presidentlal nomination frontrunner Donald Trump is planning to name his daughter, Ivanka Trump, to be his vice presidential running mate, according to Trump campaign officials who have worked on the matter. “It’s an unorthodox pick, but Donald knows the public loves his daughter and so he believes the two of them will make an unbeatable team in the general election,” says a campaign official who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “Ivanka’s favorable ratings are far higher than her father’s, so there’s a feeling that she’ll lift him up in states he’s lagging in.” There are other names on Trump’s list, but the official said it’s unlikely to be anyone other than Ivanka. More.

Only Two Allies Have Sought to Ban Trump From Their Countries

mn

The Mexican legislature received a petition yesterday from Mexico City to block Donald Trump, the leader for the Republican presidential nomination, from entering their country in retaliation for his proposal to build a border wall that Mexico must pay for. José de Jesús Zambrano, the speaker of the Chamber of Deputies, Mexico’s equivalent to the U.S. House of Representatives, said in a statement he would consider taking up the proposal. “The United States is an important country, our largest trading partner, so taking up such a petition has far-raching implications for the Mexican people,” he said. “I will consider it carefully.” More.

 

 

Advertisements