SACRAMENTO, Calif.—Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said today he believes the moon landing in 1969 was real but “many people” believe the whole thing was orchestrated by the federal government to impress the world and scare the Soviets. “I’m not saying I believe that, but many people have questions about it,” Trump said at a campaign appearance here. “There are people who know about these things who say they saw the interior of a warehouse in Los Angeles converted to look like the surface of the moon, complete with fine dust and craters and the whole thing. Lot of tinfoil lying around. Did NASA hire a Hollywood crew to distract us from Vietnam? I don’t know.”
Trump also said he thinks former president Ronald Reagan died of natural causes in 2004, when he was 93, but “there are people who think it was pretty suspicious that he suddenly got ‘pneumonia.’ I’m not saying I’m one of them, but do healthy people in a sunny place like Bel Air get pneumonia even though they have all the doctors they need a phone call away? Sure is convenient for Democrats to have the last remaining Republican icon out of the picture so they can start back-stabbing his legacy.”
Trump also said a lot of people think North Korea, the repressive communist country led by the Kim dynasty, is not a real country but is rather an elaborate hoax perpetrated by the United States Department of State with the cooperation of other countries.
“No one knows Koreans better than me,” he said. “I’ve done business wth them. Very warm-hearted people, by the way. Good negotiators. But when you ask them about ‘North Korea,’ they don’t want to talk about that. It’s very suspicious. You talk to anyone. Has anyone you know actually been there? I know Dennis Rodman. He says he’s ‘been there,’ but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, to be perfectly honest with you, and I say that as a friend. Go to any soundstage in Los Angeles. They can make you believe anything. A country that no one’s seen. People are asking questions. I’m not saying I’m one of them. And that so-called endorsement by Kim Jong Un? Good one, Hillary.”
In other remarks, Trump said the Russians have a cure for Zika “because they’re beating the pants off our scientists,” Trump University “gave out better degrees than Harvard,” and Trump wine is “the best in the world by far—and it only costs $18 a bottle.” He also said “many people” don’t believe hurricanes are real, tornadoes are “nature’s way of clearing underused real estate,” and Eastern Europe has “the best women, the sexiest women,” and that’s “all it has going for it.” That’s a real shame, he said, because soon all the good Eastern European women will be married to Americans, Brits, and others and there won’t be anyone left in that part of the world except “sour men playing chess in the park.”
This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photo: gs, mn (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of image.
White Power Can’t Be Stopped Unless It’s Raining and There are Counter-Protesters, Jason Kessler Says
The Unite the Right rally in front of the White House on Aug. 12, the one-year anniversary of the Charlottesville rally that resulted in the death of a counter-protester, shows how far the white nationalist movement has pushed into the mainstream, says the event’s organizer, Jason Kessler. “What we were able to show today, until the rain kicked in, is that the time has come for white Americans to act boldly and reassert their place at the top of western society,” Kessler said while he and the 23 other rally-goers rode in a police van back to the subway after concluding their rally. Kessler said white people have always been the dominate race because of their natural superiority and that dynamic would have been evident at the rally today except that too many counter-protesters were there. More.
Thousands of supporters of President Trump say the investigation of Russia-Trump collusion by Special Counsel Robert Mueller is actually a sophisticated cover-up for a secret investigation into a global conspiracy led by Mueller to make people believe Trump never released his taxes, went bankrupt in the 1990s, and appeared on TV saying he thinks his daughter Ivanka is a piece of ass that he’d like to date. The theory has been circulating on what’s known as the dark web for months but has only recently come to light now that Mueller’s team is prosecuting former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort. More.
Several Americans rose from the dead after the tragic shooting in Toronto last week to urge Canadians to “get some mojo” and replace their “lame” gun laws with the kind of laws that give the United States the bragging rights of a true gunslinger. “Nothing will get the testosterone flowing like a few ‘Stand Your Ground’ laws in Ontario, Alberta, or British Columbia,” said Tucker Hawley, a Dallas lawyer who became a dead American last year when he was shot at a shopping mall. Hawley said he was a little freaked out after he was killed, along with several others, by a man whose social media posts suggests he had trouble talking to women. But once he got over the shock of being shot, he found his new life as a dead man not that bad. He never really liked to work anyway. More.
In an explosive development, President Trump’s long-time lawyer and fixer Michael Cohen can be heard in a secretly recorded phone conversation asking then-candidate Trump for his PIN so he can make a $150,000 payment to former Playboy playmate Karen McDougal, who was about to publish an account of her year-long affair with the real estate mogul in the National Enquirer. “Is it 1457 or 1754?” Cohen can be heard asking Trump in the 2016 recording, one of several Cohen made of his conversations with Trump and which were seized by the FBI in a raid of his properties earlier this year. “I had it written down but I can’t find my cheat sheet.” More.
President Trump said this morning he plans to kick off his 2020 reelection effort in a strategic planning session with his campaign manager on July 16 in Helsinki, Finland. “The Dems have already started rigging the election, so we have to be smart and not let them fraudulently get three million more votes than we did like they did last time,” Trump said. Trump said his campaign manager, Vladimir Putin, “knows how to play tough” when it comes to winning elections, so that should serve as a warning to Democrats. “Vlad doesn’t fool around,” he said. “He gets in there and makes a difference, whether it’s on social media, cyber strategy, he has a plan for every situation.” More.
President Trump used the recent tariff woes hitting Harley-Davidson to double down on his threats to China and other trading partners that he’s prepared to tank any number of American businesses to punish their unfair trade practices. “Caterpillar, Carrier, 3M . . . no one has more good companies to destroy than I do when it comes to waging trade wars,” Trump said this morning. Harley-Davidson, the iconic motorcycle manufacturer that Trump hosted at the White House early in his presidency, just announced plans to send some manufacturing outside the United States because of tariffs being imposed on it by other countries in retaliation for the tariffs Trump imposed on them. “We don’t want to move,” said Matt Levatich, the company’s CEO. “We want to keep building our products here, but in the face of these new tariffs, it’s unlikely we can maintain our domestic operations.” More.
SINGAPORE—President Trump said today he’s giving the world its greatest photo op ever by meeting North Korean leader Kim Jong-un in exchange for meeting with the North Korean leader. “It’s unbelievable the pictures and the video you’re getting because of my decision to meet with Kim in exchange for my having a meeting with Kim,” Trump said at his press briefing with Kim. Trump said news outlets from all across the world have set up cameras and satellite trucks to send back footage of him shaking hands with Kim and saying things privately to him, while leaders of other countries, like Angela Merkel of Germany or Emmanuel Macron of France, don’t have cameras and microphones following them around. More.
EPA Administrator Scott Pruitt says he will stop making his most important decisions in his $43,000 soundproof phone booth because apparently the decisions he makes in it are really bad ones. “It seemed like a good idea at the time to have aides drive around D.C. to find that really nice smelling lotion I like,” said Pruitt, who has been hit with almost two dozen ethics violations since he was appointed last year. “But now that I’m not in my soundproof phone booth, I see that it wasn’t a good idea.” Pruitt said he was in hs phone booth when he tried to get his wife a Chik-Fil-A franchise, signed an agreement to lease a lobbyist’s apartment for $50 a night, and asked an aide to buy him a used mattress from the Trump International Hotel in D.C. More.
A confidential memo prepared by White House lawyers has found that the president of the United States is in fact above the law and that the American people are in fact out of luck. “After exhaustive research into the Constitution of the United States and applicable legal precedents,” the memo says, “we have concluded that the president of the United States is actually above the law notwithstanding the idea that no one is above the law.” The memo goes on to explain that the president can shoot people, including former heads of the FBI, and fabricate reasons for meeting with enemies of the state while a candidate for president without consequences. More.
Kim Snuffs Out Dissent, Crushes Individuality, Exercises Absolute Authority in Most Honorable Way, Trump Says
President Trump reiterated his praise of North Korean leader Kim Jong-un as an honorable man by calling his approach to political assassination and imprisonment without due process as among the most honorable he’s ever seen. “You can kill your enemies and imprison them at will in a dishonorable way or an honorable way, and I have to grant that President Kim takes the honorable way,” Trump said today. Trump also said Kim honorably treats his people like faceless life masses who have no identity distinct from their role in the regime. More.
Calling its passage a national security priority because lawyers are refusing to defend President Trump against mounting accusations against him, House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) introduced a bill requiring lawyers to register with the Selective Service and be prepared to serve in a new White House Office of Criminal Defense for an unspecified term. “It’s unacceptable that our president cannot assemble a team of lawyers to defend him and his office against the growing investigation over his campaign’s alleged collusion with Russia and the increasing number of lawsuits against him by women he’s allegedly harassed or had affairs with,” said Ryan. The United States has not required conscription of any kind since the Selective Service was ended in the mid-1970s, after the Vietnam War, but times have changed, Ryan said. More.
President Donald Trump defended his call to Vladimir Putin to congratulate him on his reelection to the Russian presidency earlier this week by saying he’s no different than any other leader who picks the candidates he runs against, controls the voting system in his country, and dictates any policy he wants as long as he doesn’t trigger opposition from his opponents who are lying in wait to depose him. “Theresa May, Emmanuel Macron, Justin Trudeau—are they all so much different than President Putin?” Trump said in remarks to reporters this morning. Trump said that Theresa May, who is prime minister of Great Britain, wouldn’t be much different than Vladimir Putin if she had her political enemies assassinated and knew Parliament would rubber stamp any policy she handed it. More.
President Donald Trump said it was a mark of his intelligence that he allowed a reporter—Fire and Fury author Michael Wolff—to have unfettered access to White House staff for a year. “I’m, like, really smart for letting him act as a fly on the wall while my administration settled into the task of governing the country over the past year,” Trump said. The president pointed out that he’s a good read of character and knows who should and who shouldn’t get access to his staff. “No one knows people better than I do,” he said. “To be a billionaire, TV star, and now president, you need to be able to size people up and know who should and who shouldn’t be talking to your top staff day after day with the aim of writing a tell-all book.” More.
Reporters from national news outlets were mystified today as presidential spokesperson Sarah Huckabee Sanders talked about concern in the White House over a “brain drain” of senior staff in the new year. “She said the White House was concerned that many senior aides were talking about leaving this year, but no one could figure out how that connected to a brain drain,” said Major Garrett, chief White House correspondent for CBS News. Jake Tapper, chief Washington correspondent for CNN, said he was equally mystified by the comment even though he knows of “a lot of senior staff” who plan to leave. Sanders’ comment left reporters so confused that the White House press office was flooded with calls after the briefing, but no one was able to get clarification about a brain drain. More.
Americans say there’s no comparison between the insults North Korea leader Kim Jong-un hurls at President Donald Trump and the ones Trump hurls at Kim Jong-un. In a Marist poll released this morning, 74 percent of Americans say Kim’s insults, which include calling Trump a dotard, are “far and away” better than Trump’s insults, which include calling Kim Rocket Man and Little Rocket Man. “You would think Trump, given his experience insulting people, would be more effective at insulting Kim than he has been, but Americans say they’re just not impressed with what Trump has come up with,” says Terry Norton, director of public polling at Marist. More.
Alabama Republican Senate candidate Roy Moore said accounts of him dating teenage girls whose parents gave him permission to date them when he was in his thirties is fake news. “Let me be clear,” said Moore. “It’s not true that I dated the teenage girls whose parents gave me permission to date them.” Moore also said there’s nothing wrong with him as a man in his thirties walking around shopping malls by himself as the press accused him of doing. “The press is wrong to say I innocently and lawfully walked around malls by myself as a man in my thirties,” he said. Moore, 70, is an evangelical Christian who has been an uncompromising critic of homosexuality. He was the chief justice of the Alabama Supreme Court before he was removed from office in 2003 for defying a court order to take down a statute of the Ten Commandments he had erected on the courthouse grounds. More.
President Donald Trump today called on his former Democratic opponent for the presidency, Hillary Clinton, to step down. “Witch hunt against DT most unfair ever,” the president wrote on Twitter early this morning. “Where’s investigation into Dem/HC Russia collusion?! Clinton needs to step down NOW!!” Reached while walking her dog with her family in the woods outside of Chappaqua, N.Y., Hillary Clinton said she had no comment.Trump reiterated his call for Clinton to resign at a press briefing later in the morning. “Where are the calls from the fake media for Hillary Clinton to resign?” he said. “She needs to be investigated. She will be investigated. We know about the corruption, the uranium deal that let the Russians buy a quarter of our uranium here in the United States, and the money that went into her sex-harasser husband’s phony foundation.” More.
In the first charge to come out of Special Counsel Robert Mueller’s investigation into Russian collusion by the Trump campaign, a grand jury has indicted one third of American voters for acts of criminal stupidity. “Evidence collected over the last six months provides clear and convincing evidence that 62.9 million Americans acted with criminal negligence and stupidity in voting for a man who repeatedly demonstrated he is unfit for high office,” the highly anticipated document says. The indictment, which was unsealed in federal court today, says Donald Trump, when he was a candidate for president of the United States, made it clear he neither understood nor respected the institutions of the country he was seeking to lead. “Voting for a candidate who undermined the democratic institutions of the United States violates the duties of Americans to undertake their responsibilities as voters responsibly. More.
Melania’s Body Double Speaks Out, Says She’s Repeatedly Asked Donald to Provide a Body Double at Night
First Lady Melania Trump’s body double, Nika Horvath, came forward today to confirm her role as a stand-in for the First Lady after her identity was revealed by childhood friends who saw her on TV while Donald Trump spoke about the Iranian nuclear agreement. “It is not my favor to be in public eye in this manner but I cannot hide from the knowledge now and so I speak out,” says Horvath, who, like Melania Trump, was born in Novo Mesto, Slovenia, in 1970. Horvath, a fashion model who has worked mainly in Eastern Europe and parts of Northern Africa, says she and the First Lady became friends in elementary school in part because they looked so much alike. “The people they would comment on our physical characters and they put us together and that was good because we like each other, yes, right from the beginning days,” she said. More.
White nationalist leader Richard Spencer says he believes blacks, Jews, and other Americans of impure bloodlines will leave the United States on their own accord once he and his followers march in front of enough confederate statutes. “What we think is, after a certain point, the approximately 15 million Jews and about 50 million blacks in our country will choose to leave and everyone will be happy,” says Spencer, whose organization is based in Alexandria, Va. Spencer’s organization was involved in the rally by white supremacists, neo-Nazis, and the Ku Klux Klan in Charlottesville, Va., in late August that led to the death of a counter protester. More.
The U.S. Congress came together in a bipartisan fashion today to condemn the acts of gun violence that will plague the country in the months and years ahead. “We condemn the senseless taking of innocent life that we will experience in the future,” the resolution reads. “We call on all Americans to come together during these times of national trauma that will inflict us, probably twice a year if not more frequently.” Sen. John Barrasso (R-Wyo.), one of the sponsors of the resolution, says it’s a step in the right direction for lawmakers to get all of their future condemnations of acts of gun violence out of the way at once, because that will free up time for other legislative priorities. More.
In the war of words between President Donald Trump and Kim Jong Un of North Korea, the winner is the leader of the small, militarized dictatorship on the Korean peninsula and not the man in the White House who’s so quick with a tweet. A Gallup poll out today shows 90 percent of Americans think Kim Jong Un is “the much better insulter” of the two and that, if words could kill, Trump would probably be dead by now. “As much practice as President Trump gets at insulting people, you’d think he’d win the war of words between him and Kim in a cakewalk, but Americans just aren’t impressed with what he’s coming up with,” says Darrell Thompson, professor of communications at Princeton who oversaw the poll for the Gallup Organization. “‘Rocket Man’ was good, people agree, but it pales in comparison to ‘dotard,’ which is off the charts.” Trump had called Kim “Rocket Man” in his speech before the General Assembly of the United Nations. In response, Kim called Trump a “dotard,” which refers to an elderly person who exhibits signs of mental decline. More.
Republican Texas Senator Ted Cruz, under fire by his family-values supporters for liking a porn video on his Facebook page, says the woman in the video is not a woman he imagined having sexual relations with. In a televised address he aired from his home office in Texas, where he’s been since Hurricane Harvey swept through the southeastern part of his state, Cruz said the allegations of him wanting to have sex with that woman are false and that he never asked anyone on his staff to lie about it. “I want to say one thing to the American people,” Cruz said in the address. “I want you to listen to me. I’m going to say this again. I did not imagine having sexual relations with that woman, the blonde woman in the video. I never told anyone to lie, not a single time. Never. These allegations are false. And I need to go back to work for the American people.” More.
Retailers across the United States and even in Europe and Asia say they can’t keep their new line of Melania “First Responder” Stiletto Boots in stock as women strive to be the first among their friends and coworkers to sport the rugged-yet-sexy boots from hot designer Peter Cremlin. “Right now we’re just trying to fill orders on an emergency basis as fast as we can and we just ask our customers to be patient as we ride out this storm of demand,” says Stephen Caine, Saks Fifth Avenue’s general manager for merchandise. “We are in contact with our suppliers around the world to get these orders filled as quickly and as efficiently as possible.” The boots, which retail for between $999 and $1,499 in stores throughout the United States, have generated some controversy as critics say they exploit the devastation in the Texas Gulf Coast due to Hurricane Harvey. More.
Houston mega church pastor Joel Osteen, after taking criticism for his slow response to displaced Hurricane Harvey victims, announced he’s opening up his 18,000-seat church to all who need it if they leave their wet boots outside and try to find something dry to wear. “God asked us to put more than $20 million in TV broadcasting equipment in His church and we really can’t get that wet,” said Osteen, who has made millions proselytizing what’s known as the prosperity gospel—the belief that God will reward you with monetary success if you seed His churches with donations. The more you seed the church, the richer you stand to become. Osteen said that criticism leveled at him for not opening the doors of his church right away are unfair because he needed the extra time to put mats down to protect the floor, which cost $3 million. More.
President Donald Trump in a series of early-morning tweets blamed lax immigration laws for opening the door to Hurricane Harvey, possibly the most destructive natural disaster to hit the United States in a generation. “A country that can’t secure its borders invites menaces like Harvey,” the president said in his first tweet, sent at 4:59 a.m., Monday. “We need walls, high walls, not just on Mexican border but around ALL country’s vulnerable borders.” Trump also took a stab at Texas Sen. Ted Cruz, one of his rivals for the Republican presidential nomination last year, saying Cruz’s Cuban background means he “cares more about protecting Castro’s island than his own state. #KennedyAssassination!” Experts appeared on news shows to dispute the president’s assertions. “Walls don’t keep out hurricanes and neither do immigration laws, no matter how strong,” Peter Austin, an immigration law specialist at Harvard University, said on ABC News. More.
Security experts from around the world say the United States has an edge over North Korea in any kind of military showdown because its clown is more powerful than the other country’s clown, but it would nevertheless be better for the two clowns to find a diplomatic solution to their conflict. “North Korea leader Kim Jong-un is certainly one of the world’s great clowns, but he is not as great a clown as the United States’ leader, Donald Trump,” says Andrew McPearson, senior fellow at the Brookings Institute Center for International Security. “The United States remains the world’s largest economy and has the most powerful military. And it has the world’s biggest clown.” The two nations clashed this week after the United Nations passed U.S.-backed sanctions against North Korea for violating the International Nonproliferation Treaty, which seeks to curb the spread of nuclear weapons. In response to the sanctions, Kim Jong-un threatened to take preemptive action against the United States. More.
The following is a transcript of remarks by President Donald Trump in response to questions about his fitness for office and whether he colluded with the government of Russia to tip the 2016 election in his favor. “Let me just say this, and I want to say this to the television audience and to everyone on the Internet, on Twitter—which is the way presidents communicate today, by the way. A very modern way to communicate. You ask about mistakes. I have not made any mistakes, I promise you that. I can guarantee it. And in my two years of public life, I have always acted on the advice of my brain, which—you don’t have to feel bad about this, but which is the biggest, most beautiful brain you’ve ever seen. More.
As he vowed to do, President Barack Obama retaliated against Russian hacking of the U.S. election by releasing photos that Russian President Vladimir Putin is embarrassed to see on the Internet. “We were clear to President Putin that he would regret meddling in the election, which is so fundamental to our Democracy,” said White House spokesperson Josh Earnest this morning. “President Obama was very clear that the United States would retaliate in a manner and at a time of its choosing, and today we have made good on that threat with the release of these embarrassing photos of Vladimir Putin.” The photos are devastating indictments of Putin, say security experts and intelligence analysts. In one photo, Putin is wearing an anti-Putin t-shirt. In another, he has a propeller hat on his head. In a third, he has a message taped to his back that says “Kick me!” More.
John Forrester made his name picking apart the weaknesses of George W. Bush and now he has put our next president, Donald Trump, under his knife with his new book, How to Play Trump Like a Fiddle: A Guide for Foreign Leaders. The book immediately rose to the top of The New York Times bestseller list, with rave reviews like this one, from Andrew McNair of The New Yorker: “Forrester expertly walks prime ministers, presidents, chancellors, and business leaders through the three basic steps that will all but guarantee you will get what you want from Donald Trump while making him think he made a good deal.” More.
President-elect Donald Trump caused a stir December 3 when a photo of him exiting his plane showed he was using Scotch tape to hold his tie together. Given the pride he takes in his wealth and appearance, the incident made us wonder what else he’s holding together with Scotch tape. Here’s what we found. More.
Americans across the country took delight in watching President-elect Donald Trump give the world’s largest country a poke by speaking on the phone with the president of Taiwan, a breach of diplomatic protocol, and then tweeting snarky statements about China’s trade practices. “It feels good after so many years of watching China eat our lunch to see our president-elect give the country the ol’ Donald Trump treatment,” says Ronald Portman, a retired mechanic in St. Paul, Minn. “Ha ha.” More.
NEW YORK CITY—President-elect Donald Trump said this morning he’ll take revenge on personal slights against him and humiliate his critics “on behalf of everyone in the United States” and not just on his own behalf. “No one wants to settle scores for all Americans more than I do,” he said while meeting with potential picks for his cabinet in Trump Tower. “I want people to know they can take pride when I hit back at someone doubly hard when they cross me. I take pride in that, and I hope all Americans will, too.”nTrump said he’s spent his life rewarding people who say nice things about him and striking back at people who call him names, and that won’t change now that he’ll be rewarding and striking back at people on behalf of everyone. More.
Americans say they’re still proud* to be Americans. That’s the theme of a group that Americans launched today, called America Proud!®, to express how proud* they are to be Americans, today and tomorrow. “We’re Americans first and always will be, and with our new organization, we’re telling the world that we stand tall* as Americans because we love our country,” says Jared Brown (not his real name), a ski instructor in Park City, Utah, who is president of the new group. More.
With his inauguration approaching, President-elect Donald Trump has asked a group of scientists to determine how much hair spray he’ll need to keep his famous combover in place during his inauguration speech, which traditionally takes place outdoors. The group has been meeting for almost a week and more meetings are planned between now and inauguration as it tries to nail down the precise amount he’ll need given the unpredictability of the weather in Washington in January. “It’s a challenging task,” said Jeffrey Barnes, professor emeritus of chemical engineering at the Stanford School of Engineering in Palo Alto, Calif. “Wind, rain, snow, cold temperatures—there are a lot of unknowns come inauguration day that could play havoc on what is arguably the most famous combover in the world.” More.
President-elect Donald Trump said he was appointing his “very good brain” to be one of his top advisors on both domestic and foreign policy. “I’ve always relied on my very good brain to decide what to do,” Trump said today at a press availability in his offices at Trump Tower in New York City. “When people would question whether I was doing the right thing or the wrong thing, I would consult my brain and do what makes most sense to it.” Trump said the policy insight of his brain is “the best ever” and there was never any doubt that he would tap his brain right from the start. “My brain has been with me from day one and it’s going to be with me from the day I take the oath of office,” he said. “It’s going to be terrific. There’s never been another advisor as good as this one. You’ll be very impressed.” More.
Facebook annouced today that it has been the subject of a fake news story that it is banning fake news stories after it was accused of allowing fake news stories to tilt the presidential election to Donald Trump. “We are not banning fake news stories, despite what you might have read in a fake news story on Facebook, and we have no plans to ban fake news stories,” said Mark Zuckerberg, the chief of the popular social media site. Zuckerberg called it “questionable” that the widespread sharing of fake news on Facebook had any affect on the election outcome, and it’s for that reason there will be no policy change to ban fake news. “Does fake news get shared on facebook?” Zuckerman said. “Of course. It’s impossible to stop. But we do not believe that fake news on our site had anything to do with the election of Donald Trump.” More.