Trump: People Say North Korea Is a Hoax, Moon Landing Was Faked, Reagan Was Murdered

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Just sayin’

SACRAMENTO, Calif.—Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said today he believes the moon landing in 1969 was real but “many people” believe the whole thing was orchestrated by the federal government to impress the world and scare the Soviets. “I’m not saying I believe that, but many people have questions about it,” Trump said at a campaign appearance here. “There are people who know about these things who say they saw the interior of a warehouse in Los Angeles converted to look like the surface of the moon, complete with fine dust and craters and the whole thing. Lot of tinfoil lying around. Did NASA hire a Hollywood crew to distract us from Vietnam? I don’t know.”

https://www.amazon.com/Velvet-Bikini-Swimsuit-Extreme-Swimwears/dp/B010E92CFW/ref=as_li_ss_il?_encoding=UTF8&pd_rd_i=B010E92CFW&pd_rd_r=2N92FGKW0K2VQQ5M97G7&pd_rd_w=Gq7S0&pd_rd_wg=tVcNE&psc=1&refRID=2N92FGKW0K2VQQ5M97G7&linkCode=li2&tag=daily031-20&linkId=9efb5b632bf794f43c908541cd090484Trump also said he thinks former president Ronald Reagan died of natural causes in 2004, when he was 93, but “there are people who think it was pretty suspicious that he suddenly got ‘pneumonia.’ I’m not saying I’m one of them, but do healthy people in a sunny place like Bel Air get pneumonia even though they have all the doctors they need a phone call away? Sure is convenient for Democrats to have the last remaining Republican icon out of the picture so they can start back-stabbing his legacy.”

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Been to ‘North Korea’

Trump also said a lot of people think North Korea, the repressive communist country led by the Kim dynasty, is not a real country but is rather an elaborate hoax perpetrated by the United States Department of State with the cooperation of other countries.

“No one knows Koreans better than me,” he said. “I’ve done business wth them. Very warm-hearted people, by the way. Good negotiators. But when you ask them about ‘North Korea,’ they don’t want to talk about that. It’s very suspicious. You talk to anyone. Has anyone you know actually been there? I know Dennis Rodman. He says he’s ‘been there,’ but he’s not the sharpest tool in the shed, to be perfectly honest with you, and I say that as a friend. Go to any soundstage in Los Angeles. They can make you believe anything. A country that no one’s seen. People are asking questions. I’m not saying I’m one of them. And that so-called endorsement by Kim Jong Un? Good one, Hillary.”

In other remarks, Trump said the Russians have a cure for Zika “because they’re beating the pants off our scientists,” Trump University “gave out better degrees than Harvard,” and Trump wine is “the best in the world by far—and it only costs $18 a bottle.” He also said “many people” don’t believe hurricanes are real, tornadoes are “nature’s way of clearing underused real estate,” and Eastern Europe has “the best women, the sexiest women,” and that’s “all it has going for it.” That’s a real shame, he said, because soon all the good Eastern European women will be married to Americans, Brits, and others and there won’t be anyone left in that part of the world except “sour men playing chess in the park.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photo: gs, mn (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of image.

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Trump: ‘I’m Going to Preside Over the Greatest Collapse of American Civil Society We’ve Ever Seen, Believe Me’

President Donald Trump said today Americans will be more divided, more hostile to one another than the country has ever seen before, even more than during the Civil War, when the North and the South were pitted against one another. “We’re going to have the biggest, the greatest, the most tremendous breakdown in our shared civil culture than we’ve ever had before, I can guarantee you that,” Trunp said in remarks at the White House. “We’re seeing Americans fight each other on airplanes, insult each other in supermarket lines, and refuse to do business with one another. It will be the most fantastic breakdown in our country and it’s going to be so big.” Trump said America has long had a history of putting differences aside to work for the common good, but that path has put the country in its current state of mediocrity. More.

Comey: ‘I Throw the Election to Trump and This Is the Thanks I Get?’

Former FBI Director James Comey, whose eleventh-hour intervention in the 2016 election is widely believed to have resulted in the election of Donald Trump as president, said he never would have thrown the election to Trump if he had known getting fired just a few months later would be his reward. “Donald Trump has a lot of nerve firing me when I’m the whole blippin’ reason he’s even in his blippin’ office,” said Comey, a Republican who was appointed to head the FBI four years ago. More.

Buoyed by Syria Praise, Trump Looks For Next Bombing Target

President Donald Trump, his step a little lighter now that the reviews have been good on his decision to bomb a Syrian airbase, says Americans can expect more bombings in the weeks ahead. “There are going to be so many good opportunities to bomb things,” Trump said in his weekly radio address at the White House today. “We have North Korea. We have Iran. We have some other hot spots we’re looking at but aren’t ready to talk about yet. But they’ll be good bombing targets. A lot of pride among Americans, especially after all those disastrous Obama years when we blew so few things up.” Trump acknowledged he wasn’t expecting reviews across the political spectrum to be so good in response to his snap decision to send 59 Tomahawk missiles to the Shayrat military airbase in response to the Syrian government’s use of chemical weapons on its own citizens. More.

Unidentified Beauty Object Thought to be Melania Trump

Recent sightings in the foothills of Spring Creek, Calif., of a mysterious beauty object have caused a stir in this former mining town 175 miles north of San Francisco. “I haven’t seen the town buzzing like this since we had the frog jumping contest here one year because the track was too muddy in Calaveras County,” says Sam Baker, a retired rancher who serves as the town’s unofficial historian. The cause of all the excitement are recent sightings of an unidentified beauty object that many locals believe is Melania Trump, the rarely seen wife of President Donald Trump. “We thought she only existed in New York City,” says Helen Carter, owner of Carter’s Diner on Route 43. “The idea that she would be sighted way out here—about as far from New York City as you can get—makes me think it’s not really her but a local girl who probably got pregnant and doesn’t want to tell her parents.” More.

Kellyanne Conway: Bikini Pics are ‘Alternative Facts’

Kellyanne Conway, one of the most visible defenders of Donald Trump’s presidency, says photos of her in a bikini are “alternative facts” that are being spread on the Internet to try to take the focus off the things the Trump administration is doing, like accusing President Barack Obama of wire tapping Trump Towers, using the presidency to spread accusations about Muslim attacks in Sweden, and saying immigration curbs are needed because of a massacre in Bowling Green, Ky. “I have clearly been photoshopped into images of other women to hurt Donald Trump by demeaning me as a person,” said Conway, 50. “It’s a personal attack on my character that’s been put forward without regard to the truth and without regard to the long-term impact this will have on our democracy, our shared trust in our institutions, and our credibility as a nation.” More.

Trump: ‘Fingers Will Be Pointed’ as Policies Fail

President Donald Trump this morning announced the formation of a White House office to identify and assign blame to the responsible person for upcoming policy failures of his administration. “No administration will be as accountable to the American people as mine for assigning blame for problems that will be coming in the years ahead,” Trump said in announcing his new White House Office of Blame Laying. On the upcoming failure of the American Health Care Act, for instance, the finger of blame will be pointed at former president Barack Obama for his program to increase the number of people with health insurance by 20 million. “When the Republican bill to repeal and replace Obamacare results in higher premiums for worse insurance for a declining number of Americans, we will know immediately that Barack Obama is to blame. More.

Trump, at CPAC, Blasts ‘Fake Presidency’

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President Donald Trump took the opportunity before a friendly audience at the Conservative Political Action (CPAC) Conference in Washington yesterday to blast his presidency as a “fake” occupation of the White House and has vowed to bar himself from government despite the role the Constitution has assigned to the president. “Nobody appreciates the constitutionally protected role of the presidency more than me,” said Trump, who spoke on the second day of the annual event. “That’s why no one is in a better position than me to recognize a fake presidency when there is one.” Trump said no presidency deserves the label “fake” more than his because his victory over Democrat Hillary Clinton in November depended on the FBI, voter suppression, and the Russian government. More.

Stephen Miller: ‘That I’m an Asshole and Hate Myself Will Not be Questioned’

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Stephen Miller, the senior advisor to President Donald Trump who has helped shape the White House’s position on immigration and other conservative policies, said today he hates himself and wishes he weren’t such an asshole but that he has stopped trying to be something he’s not and will continue to attach himself to power to make himself feel better. “I’d like to have a friend, but I couldn’t imagine anyone wanting to be friends with a dick like me, so I’ll just continue to be the biggest asshole I can be,” said Miller, 31. Miller said he first discovered he was a butthole when he was a teenager. “I wanted a friend and found one in Wayne LaPierre [CEO of the National Rifle Association], and although I continue to be friendless, I’m working out my insecurities at the highest levels of power and that makes me feel better when I’m not eating dinner by myself at my lonely townhouse on Capitol Hill,” he said. More.

Trump, Unhappy with Spicer, Names John Miller New Press Secretary

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President Donald Trump announced that John Miller, his spokesperson going back to his days as a New York real estate developer, is replacing Sean Spicer as press secretary. “I’ve known John all my life and no one has my back the way he does,” Trump told reporters at the announcement today. “When John talks, you know what he says is coming directly from me. He knows me like no one else.” MIller, 70, who also goes by the name John Barron or John Baron, served as spokesperson for Trump in the 1980s and 1990s, when Trump was trying to make a name for himself as both an astute businessman and a man-about-town. “It’s a good choice,” says Sue Carswell, a reporter for People magazine.  More.

Trump Appointees Refuse to Reveal Their Names

em President Donald Trump introduced his latest picks for national security advisor, deputy secretary of state, and director of the secret service, but none of the appointees allowed themselves to be publicly identified. “I am ‘honored’ to be chosen to help keep our country safe as national security advisor,” said the person named to that post, whose face was kept hidden by a bag. “I have worked in national security for decades and have dedicated my life to our country’s safety. I guess you’ll just have to take my word for it.” The appointee, who stands about 6′ 1″ and looks to be between 195 and 210 pounds, said he accepted this “very important position” out of love of country. More.

3 Weeks Into Trump Presidency, White Supremacists Dismayed That Jews, Blacks Still Allowed to be American

letterLeaders of the National Aryan Front, American Freedom Party, Ku Klux Klan, and other white supremacist oganzations in the United States issued a joint letter to President Donald Trump today expressing concern over the slow pace of the “solution” they expect him to enact for people of inferior races and ethnicities. “While we appreciate the many priorities any new administration must contend with, the lack of meaningful progress on the white nationalist agenda is troubling,” the leaders say in the letter, which was hand-delivered to the White House this morning. The letter reminds Trump that his election depended in large part on the unwavering support from the white supremacist community, particularly when he was being criticized in the media during the primaries. “When other groups were challenging you for your accurate and appropriate concerns over the biased rulings of so-called Judge Gonzalo Curiel against Trump University, we were your most vocal and consistent supporters,” the letter says. More. 

Sen. Democrats Introduce Bill Requiring Stephen Bannon to Fight In Any War He Starts

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Theresa May: I Held the President’s Hand So I Would Know Where It Was

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First 3 Days in Office Most Presidential Ever, Trump Says

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Ringling Bros. and Barnum & Bailey Circus, Unable to Compete with Trump, is Closing Down

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Trump: Everything is Discredited, Including Russian Intelligence On Me

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President-elect Donald Trump said today he has created so much doubt about what is true and what is not that any compromising information the Russians could reveal about him would not hurt his political standing among his supporters. “If Russian hackers were to reveal that I, say, participated in a golden shower with prostitutes, no one who supports me would believe it,” Trump said today at Trump Tower in New York City. “I’m not saying I participated in that on any of my tips to Moscow when I was seeking Russian money to bail my company out of bankruptcy. But even if I did and the Russians released a video of me doing it, it wouldn’t affect me. Everything is doctored, everything is fake. More.

Diary: Trump Decided at 24 to Live His Life as Performance Art

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Ad Campaign Highlights Lighter Side of KKK

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Hillary Had Secret Plan to Require Mixed Marriages to Promote Diversity

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Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton, who won almost 3 million more votes than President-elect Donald Trump but lost in the electoral college, had a secret plan to require a minimum percentage of marriages to be mixed as a way to further diversity goals—a longstanding priority of liberal Democrats. “Just as we require a minimum number of federal contracts to go to minority- and women-owned businesses, we will require a minimum percentage of marriages to e mixed, whether by ethnicity, religion, or gender,” says the secret plan, which was revealed in an email and released on WikiLeaks. The email is thought to be part of the Russian hacking of the Democratic National Committee during the general election. According to the plan, diverse households are more tolerant of diversity goals than non-diverse households, so by requiring a minimum percentage of marriages to be mixed, the plan theorizes, an increasing number of households will be tolerant of diversity. More.

World’s Most Publicity-Hungry Man Reaches Saturation Point as Oval Office Nears

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President-elect Donald Trump, the most publicity-hungry human being to walk the earth, said today he’s had enough publicity and would prefer he not be thought or talked about for a few minutes. “I’ve achieved what no one has ever achieved,” said Trump, speaking at Trump Tower, the most famous building on 5th Avenue, the most famous street in New York City, the most famous city in the world. “I am in the thoughts of every human being on earth, every moment of every day, and, frankly, it’s a bit much.” Trump said he can’t turn on the TV or radio, or browse the Internet without everything at each moment being about him. “I never thought I would say this, but I wouldn’t mind someone else occupying people’s thoughts and conversations for a while. I could use a breather.” More.

U.S. Retaliates Against Russian Hacking, Releases Embarrassing Photos of Putin

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As he vowed to do, President Barack Obama retaliated against Russian hacking of the U.S. election by releasing photos that Russian President Vladimir Putin is embarrassed to see on the Internet. “We were clear to President Putin that he would regret meddling in the election, which is so fundamental to our Democracy,” said White House spokesperson Josh Earnest this morning. “President Obama was very clear that the United States would retaliate in a manner and at a time of its choosing, and today we have made good on that threat with the release of these embarrassing photos of Vladimir Putin.” The photos are devastating indictments of Putin, say security experts and intelligence analysts. In one photo, Putin is wearing an anti-Putin t-shirt. In another, he has a propeller hat on his head. In a third, he has a message taped to his back that says “Kick me!” More.

Faithless Elector Christopher Suprun a Neil Peart Fan, Hacked Email Shows

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Russian hacking of Democratic and Republican campaign emails have led to upheaval this election year, analysts say, not the least of which is the presidential victory of Donald Trump over Hillary Clinton. But in the latest bizarre twist, the hacked email of Republican elector Christopher Suprun of Texas indicates this “faithless” elector is a big fan of Neil Peart of the aging Canadian prog-rock group Rush. In an email made public by WikiLeaks, Suprun, who made news weeks ago by saying he could not in good conscious cast his vote as an elector for Donald Trump, was quoting Neil Peart’s lyrics from the Rush song “Faithless” as he mulled what to do. More.

Book Review: How to Play Trump Like a Fiddle: A Guide for Foreign Leaders

commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:IPhone_3GS_launch_party_in_Tokyo_Japan_2.jpgJohn Forrester made his name picking apart the weaknesses of George W. Bush and now he has put our next president, Donald Trump, under his knife with his new book, How to Play Trump Like a Fiddle: A Guide for Foreign Leaders. The book immediately rose to the top of The New York Times bestseller list, with rave reviews like this one, from Andrew McNair of The New Yorker: “Forrester expertly walks prime ministers, presidents, chancellors, and business leaders through the three basic steps that will all but guarantee you will get what you want from Donald Trump while making him think he made a good deal.” More.

What Else Does Trump Hold Together With Scotch Tape?

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Trump Pokes China, Gives Americans Cheap Thrill

kkAmericans across the country took delight in watching President-elect Donald Trump give the world’s largest country a poke by speaking on the phone with the president of Taiwan, a breach of diplomatic protocol, and then tweeting snarky statements about China’s trade practices. “It feels good after so many years of watching China eat our lunch to see our president-elect give the country the ol’ Donald Trump treatment,” says Ronald Portman, a retired mechanic in St. Paul, Minn. “Ha ha.” More.

Trump Says He’ll Revenge Personal Slights on Behalf of All Americans

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NEW YORK CITY—President-elect Donald Trump said this morning he’ll take revenge on personal slights against him and humiliate his critics “on behalf of everyone in the United States” and not just on his own behalf. “No one wants to settle scores for all Americans more than I do,” he said while meeting with potential picks for his cabinet in Trump Tower. “I want people to know they can take pride when I hit back at someone doubly hard when they cross me. I take pride in that, and I hope all Americans will, too.”nTrump said he’s spent his life rewarding people who say nice things about him and striking back at people who call him names, and that won’t change now that he’ll be rewarding and striking back at people on behalf of everyone. More.

Still Proud* to Be Americans, Americans Say*

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Americans say they’re still proud* to be Americans. That’s the theme of a group that Americans launched today, called America Proud!®, to express how proud* they are to be Americans, today and tomorrow. “We’re Americans first and always will be, and with our new organization, we’re telling the world that we stand tall* as Americans because we love our country,” says Jared Brown (not his real name), a ski instructor in Park City, Utah, who is president of the new group. More.

Scientists Debate Amount of Hair Spray Trump Will Need For Outdoor Inauguration Speech

th With his inauguration approaching, President-elect Donald Trump has asked a group of scientists to determine how much hair spray he’ll need to keep his famous combover in place during his inauguration speech, which traditionally takes place outdoors. The group has been meeting for almost a week and more meetings are planned between now and inauguration as it tries to nail down the precise amount he’ll need given the unpredictability of the weather in Washington in January. “It’s a challenging task,” said Jeffrey Barnes, professor emeritus of chemical engineering at the Stanford School of Engineering in Palo Alto, Calif. “Wind, rain, snow, cold temperatures—there are a lot of unknowns come inauguration day that could play havoc on what is arguably the most famous combover in the world.” More.

 

Trump to Name ‘Very Good Brain’ As Top Policy Advisor

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President-elect Donald Trump said he was appointing his “very good brain” to be one of his top advisors on both domestic and foreign policy. “I’ve always relied on my very good brain to decide what to do,” Trump said today at a press availability in his offices at Trump Tower in New York City. “When people would question whether I was doing the right thing or the wrong thing, I would consult my brain and do what makes most sense to it.” Trump said the policy insight of his brain is “the best ever” and there was never any doubt that he would tap his brain right from the start. “My brain has been with me from day one and it’s going to be with me from the day I take the oath of office,” he said. “It’s going to be terrific. There’s never been another advisor as good as this one. You’ll be very impressed.” More.

Facebook Hit By Fake News Story That It’s Banning Fake News Stories

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Facebook annouced today that it has been the subject of a fake news story that it is banning fake news stories after it was accused of allowing fake news stories to tilt the presidential election to Donald Trump. “We are not banning fake news stories, despite what you might have read in a fake news story on Facebook, and we have no plans to ban fake news stories,” said Mark Zuckerberg, the chief of the popular social media site. Zuckerberg called it “questionable” that the widespread sharing of fake news on Facebook had any affect on the election outcome, and it’s for that reason there will be no policy change to ban fake news. “Does fake news get shared on facebook?” Zuckerman said. “Of course. It’s impossible to stop. But we do not believe that fake news on our site had anything to do with the election of Donald Trump.” More.

George Will, Michael Gerson Realize There’s No Rationale For Their Professional Existence

ka-am The erudite George Will, who has been writing about Republican politics since the mid-1970s and who declared this year he was no longer a Republican because of Donald Trump, says it’s bitter to learn he has no influence over people who vote Republican no matter how much ink is spilled or how many trees are killed to put his words into print. “After some 40 years as a political thought leader, I cannot say that anything I say has any influence on anyone at any time or in any place,” he says. “I guess that makes me a . . . nothing, because the whole rationale for my professional existence is to shape Republican attitudes and policy, and I see now that I have less influence than a truck mechanic I met in in Altoona, Pa., who persuaded his wife to vote for Donald Trump.” More.

Trump Thanks Hillary For Conceding; Says He Wouldn’t Have Done the Same

twPresident-elect Donald Trump said he appreciates the gracious concession call he received from his Democratic opponent, Hillary Clinton, after the results of their bitter presidential contest were finalized. But he also said he wouldn’t have extended the same courtesy to her had he won the popular vote but lost the electoral college the way she did. “’What a rigged system!’ is how I would have put it,” Trump said in an interview on Fox News this morning. “To win more votes than the other candidate and still lose the election? Of course I would have accused the system of being rigged. Who wouldn’t? Hillary Clinton wouldn’t, that’s who. And I appreciate that.” More.

Comey: ‘My Clinton Email Announcement Is Feeding Conspiracy Theories? Who’da Thunk It?’

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FBI Director James Comey said he’s shocked Republicans are using his vague and cryptic letter to lawmakers about Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton’s emails to fuel their theories of a massive criminal coverup. “I just can’t believe people are seizing on my mysterious, innuendo-laden letter to rile up Republicans who are disposed to mistrust Hillary Clinton,” Comey said in a statement today. “It never occurred to me that I would give fodder to conspiracy theories about Hillary Clinton by saying I was reopening the investigation of her even though I don’t know what’s in the emails we discovered.” Comey, a Republican appointed by President Obama in 2013 in a show of bipartisanship, said he’s “a little shaken up” that Clinton critics are “making a big deal about this” and using it to reinforce their belief Clinton “is a criminal who is trying to become president” by rigging the election. More.

Alex Jones: ‘Probably Nothing to the Huma Emails’

ComeyAlex Jones, the far-right conspirator who has used his show, Infowars, to stoke mistrust in Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton, said on his radio show this morning there’s probably nothing of interest in the the emails found on devices belonging to Clinton aide Huma Abedin and her estranged husband, disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner. “It would be nice to sit here and say these emails will finally explode the presidential campaign of crooked Hillary Clinton, but they probably don’t amount to anything,” said Jones, an influential voice in the so-called “Alt-Right” fringe movement. “I think a lot of the emails are duplicates of what the FBI has already looked at in its investigation of whether Clinton criminally mishandled classified emails while she was secretary of state. More.

Trump’s Unpopularity Creates Opening for Libertarians, Who Decide to Stick With Gary Johnson Anyway

gj The historic unpopularity of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has motivated many voters to give Libertarians a fresh look, but, even so, the Libertarian party says it will stick with Gary Johnson as its nominee. “You know, when we nominated Gary to be our standard bearer, we really didn’t expect many people to consider voting for us” says Nicholas Sarwark, chair of the Libertarian party in the United States. “Few Americans have really given our party much thought in the past and we thought, what the heck? Why not nominate Gary? Who knew this could have been our breakout year! But that’s okay. We’re going to stick with our guy.” Had the party nominated someone who wasn’t as weird as Johnson, political analysts say, Libertarians could be enjoying their best year ever at the polls, because voters are hungry for an alternative, especially on the Republican side, which on economic matters is ideologically closer to Libertarians that the Democrats. More.

Americans thank Donald Trump for breaking last remaining bond of trust they have with one another by discrediting electoral process

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Americans around the country credit Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump for destroying the last vestige of unity in the country by delegitimizing the election before it’s held. “I was afraid out country was going to have one last remaining value we all share—the belief in the integrity of our elections—but luckily he took care of that,” says Jessica Harris, a retired school teacher in Ames, Iowa. “I like that our country is divided by guns, homosexuality, abortion, race, religion, and size of government, but it always bothered me that we shared a common belief in the validity of our elections,” says Todd Lorton, a warehouse supervisor in Lansing, Mich. “Now we can add that to the list of things that divide us. Thank you, Donald Trump.” More.

Presidential Candidate Takes United States Hostage

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The richest and most powerful country on earth was taken hostage today by a candidate for its presidency who demanded to be elected or he’ll “take the whole country down” with him. “I don’t lose!” said the candidate, Donald Trump, the Republican nominee. “I can only lose if the election is rigged.” Trump, who is running against Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton, said he will “destroy the legitimacy of our democracy” and sow “distrust of all our institutions” if more people vote for Clinton than for him. “I will disregard the work of past generations of Americans who fought and died to build the world’s oldest and most stable democracy and plunge it into anarchy and despair,” he said. “My opponent will forever be tarred as an unfairly elected president. Millions of Americans will join me and together we will make America great—as we make governing it impossible.” More.

Perverts Find a Champion in Donald Trump

loomWhether he wins or loses in November, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has one constituency that will always stand by his side: America’s perverts, arguably the most maligned group of people in the country. “No one has ever spoken to our issues, but now we have a candidate who understands us and who clearly will be a force for breaking down the barriers that stand between us and the rest of the country,” says Andy P., a pervert who asked that his full name not be used to protect his privacy. Andy P, and others like him say no politician has ever before been sympathetic to people who lurk in the shadows, peep into windows, rub against women on subways, and grab their p*****s without their consent. More.

Man Seen Stalking Presidential Candidate on Stage

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As Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton participated in a town hall-styled debate in St. Louis on Sunday, a man was seen prowling behind her on stage, making menacing faces and at times standing intimidatingly close to her. St. Louis police say they have looked into the matter and found no evidence a man was stalking Clinton, the first woman to head a major party presidential ticket in the United States. The only person confirmed to be sharing the stage with Clinton that night, they said, was her Republican opponent, Donald Trump. “We had many reports from people in the audience and also from people calling in while viewing the debate at home that a man was seen prowling around on the stage behind Clinton, but at this time the only man we can say with 100 percent certainty was on the stage that night was Donald Trump.” More.

Despite His Criminality and Sexual Assault Bragging, He’s Not a Mexican Criminal or Rapist, Trump Says

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Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump says he shouldn’t be mistaken for a Mexican, because although his university and foundation are under criminal investigation, his type of criminality is different from a Mexican’s. The same goes for the revelation that he’s a man who sexually assaults women. Although he kisses and grabs women without waiting for their consent, he isn’t a Mexican rapist because he’s a celebrity and the women let him do it. “Hillary Clinton and her slimy rapist husband Bill Clinton are trying to make people believe I’m Mexican because of the criminality of my operations and my history of assaulting and abusing women,” he said today. “But I’m not, and these attacks are part of the rigged election. I can guarantee you, my supporters are going to use their Second Amendment freedom to protest this rigged election when I lose because of Hillary’s cheating.” More.

Kaine: ‘Yappiness in the Pursuit of Truth is No Vice’

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Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Kaine defended the yappy dog approach he took during his live TV debate this week with Mike Pence, his Republican counterpart from Indiana, by saying it was a necessary tactic to keep the focus on the lies of Donald Trump. “Would I have preferred to come across as a Great Dane or a German Shepherd? Of course,” he said after the debate Tuesday night at Longwood University in Virginia. “But the moment didn’t call for stature, for dignity. The moment called for irritation, for annoyance. So I did what I had to do and I’m proud of the yips I got in. I’m proud of the yaps I got in. And I will go on yipping and yapping until people know the truth about Donald Trump.” More.

‘It’s Be Nice If People Would Pay Their Taxes So We Can Fix Our Third-World Infrastructure’

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Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump lashed out at cheats who don’t pay their taxes because they’re robbing the United States of the means to repair its crumbling infrastructure. “Our airports, they’re like third-world airports,” he said at at a rally in Altoona, Pa., this morning. “You go to Dubai, you go to China, and they have these sparkling new airports. They’re beautiful. Then you go to Newark and you’re like in a third-world country. But we can’t fix anything because no one pays their taxes. You have tax dodgers using the loopholes. We’ve got to run our country like a business. People need to pay their taxes because we have to pay for our military. We have to fix our airports. How can we do any of these things if we don’t have any money?” Trump said people who hire teams of lawyers and accountants to dig up loopholes are not good Americans.”You’ve got these rich guys paying thousands of dollars to avoid paying taxes, so who ends up paying the taxes? The little guy. More.

‘Nice Pantsuit!’ Trump Tells Angela Merkel in Late-Night Tweetstorm

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Not waiting to get into the White House to exercise his unique brand of Twitter diplomacy, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump late last night wondered aloud if Germany’s chancellor, Angela Merkel, and his Democratic opponent, Hillary Clinton, get their pantsuit ideas from the same JC Penney catalog. “I notice it’s not a catalogue Melania has laying around on her nightstand,” he said. “Maybe there’s a reason for that. Does Victoria Secret make sizes big enough for them? I doubt it!” He also called North Korea’s launch of a ballistic missile from a submarine two weeks ago a “pathetic” attempt to be relevant in the global arena and said it makes the country’s leader, Kim Jong-un, look “small and sad.” Trump also revisited one of his favorite topics about China—its currency manipulation—by condemning the International Monetary Fund for adding the Yuan to its list of reserve currencies. “Just like it manipulates its currency, China has manipulated the losers at the IMF,” he said. More.

Bill’s Infidelities Disqualify Hillary for Office, Voters Say

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A poll conducted shortly after the first presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump at Hofstra University shows voters overwhelmingly believe the Democratic nominee is unqualified for the presidency because her husband, former president Bill Clinton, cheated on her. “How many affairs did Bill Clinton have? Four? Five?” says Greg Newsome, a warehouse supervisor in Harrisburg, Pa. “And she wants to be president? I just don’t see how she can be our leader if her husband had affairs with other women.” Many voters say they’re disappointed Trump held back from bringing up Bill Clinton’s affairs during the first debate. “If there’s a nuclear emergency at 3 a.m., how will Hillary make the right decision if her husband couldn’t keep his pants on when he was younger?” says Ann Burton, a retired school teacher in Springfield, Mo. More.

Voter, His Money Lost to a Trump Scam, Says Crooked Hillary Should Go to Prison

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Hank Galloway, a retired stockroom supervisor who lost about $16,000 when he invested in a Trump resort that was never built, says Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton is a corrupt politician who stole plateware from the White House and should be sent to prison and he wouldn’t mind if she were on the target side of a bullet, either. “That was a good chunk of my life’s savings that I lost in that Trump project,” says Galloway, 69. “If Crooked Hillary doesn’t go to jail instead of the White House, it’s because we’re letting terrorists laugh up their sleeve at our country and giving good-paying jobs to Mexicans who think life in America is one long siesta.” Galloway says he also tried to learn how to become a real estate investor by taking classes at Trump University, but he didn’t learn anything except that he should invest money in Trump projects, which he did. “It’s these regulations that the Socialists in Congress impose on business that’s strangling this country,” he says. More.

House Republicans, Looking to Get ‘Jump Start,’ Begin Impeachment of Hillary Clinton

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Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) says he has asked Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-S.C) to start the process of impeaching Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton even though she hasn’t won the presidency yet because waiting could enable her to govern should she win more votes in November than her Republican rival Donald Trump. “I acknowledge it’s unprecedented to start impeaching a president before the president is elected, but we live in unprecedented times and we must act to protect the American people before a president commits an impeachable act that we know the president will commit,” says Ryan, who made his announcement at the Capitol this morning. More.

Their Souls Sold, Christie, Gingrich, Giuliani Line Up to Collect Cabinet Posts

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With Donald Trump nearing the presidency, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, and former House Speaker Newt Gingrich have lined up to collect the cabinet posts for which they’ve sold their souls, and there’s disagreement over how the spoils should be divided up. Christie says he should be given the Attorney General post, but Gingrich says he wouldn’t mind having that. Giuliani says he could take that post, too. Giuliani says he’d also like to have Secretary of Defense, and Gingrich says he’d be okay with that if he can have Secretary of State. “I have the stature for it,” Gingrich says. Plus, it would put him fourth in line for the presidency should Trump get food poisoning at one of his hotel restaurants and die. More.

Trump Proclaims Obama American Born, Says He Can Serve Out His Term

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Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said he has decided President Barack Obama was born in the United States and therefore he is entitled to serve out his term, which ends in January 2017. “I have finished it,” Trump said of the so-called birther issue, which refers to theories on the Internet that Obama, whose father was Kenyan, was born in another country. “President Barack Obama was born in the United States. Period.” On hearing the news, many Americans across the country breathed a sigh of relief. “I was so worried that our president was illegitimate,” says Nancy Carpenter, 68, a retired office assistant in Ames, Iowa. “I wish Donald Trump would have proclaimed Obama American-born before this, but better late than never, I guess.” More.

Trump Says He’ll Let in Mexican First Lady Angélica Rivera

commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Angelica_Rivera.jpgRepublican presidential nominee Donald Trump, fresh from his dramatic trip to Mexico to discuss immigration policy, said he would allow Angélica Rivera, the wife of Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto, into the country if she wants to come. “We would make an exception for her, absolutely, and I told her that when I was in Mexico,” Trump said at a campaign stop in Albuquerque, N.M. “I told her I’ll have a car ready for her anytime she wants to come. She has my number. She said she’d like to see Trump Tower. I said I’d like to show it to her.” Rivera, 47, an actress and model before she became Mexico’s First Lady, was born in Mexico City. She has been married to Peña Nieto since 2010. Trump’s trip to Mexico has generated a considerable amount of analysis. In Mexico, he appeared to take a conciliatory approach to the country, but that appeared to change in a major address he gave in Phoenix that night. More.

David Hume to Donald Trump: ‘I was only kidding about preferring the destruction of the world to the scratching of my finger’

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The brilliant Scottish philosopher David Hume, whose Treatise of Human Nature in 1739 turned the world of moral philosophy upside down and spurred Immanuel Kant to write his momentous critical philosophy in response, arose from the dead today to tell Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump that he was only kidding when he said it’s perfectly reasonable for someone to prefer the destruction of the world to the scratching of one’s finger “Donald, when I wrote my Treatise I was only 23 years old and was a little full of myself at the time,” said Hume, who died in 1776 at the age of 65. “It was my view, as a brash young man looking to make a name for himself, that reason is the slave of emotions and our moral views are based on our passions, not on our reason. That’s why I said—I’m not sure of the exact words, but it was something like, ‘It is not contrary to reason to prefer the destruction of the whole world to the scratching of my finger.’ More.

Smiling Martian Face Proof of a Cover-up, NASA Critics Say

NASA NASA today released a stunning image of the famous “Martian face” rock formation in which the “mouth” appears to be turned upward, as if smiling. The image was taken about 12 hours after a previous image of the mouth-like crevice is shown expressing no particular emotion in a way that’s similar to thousands of previous pictures of the formation that have been taken. “It’s really a remarkable image sequence,” says Kristin Rogers, NASA chief of geological imaging. “We are starting with the assumption that the change in appearance is simply a change in the angle of light on the surface features. But we’re not prepared to say that with certainty, because it’s a shift we haven’t seen before.” More.

Neurosurgeon: ‘Donald Trump Really Does Have Big, Beautiful Brain’

brainsMayo Clinic neurosurgeon Ronald Madison has studied the brain of Republican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump and says it really is a “big, beautiful” specimen of human’s most important organ. “When Donald Trump compliments his own brain, he does so on good grounds,” says Madison, who studied Trump’s brain in 2013, when the real estate mogul went to the Mayo Clinic for tests. Madison says Trump was complaining of “low energy” and wanted to rule out anything neurological, so he arranged to have a battery of tests done. “What I found was, of all the brains I’ve seen, Trump’s was certainly one of the biggest and most beautiful ever,” he says. “It’s a very good brain.” More.

Study: Trump, Like Saddam Hussein, Has ‘Dictator’s Finger’

coverIs Republican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump a dictator in the making? A report from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology suggests he is, based on a body-language analysis that finds he and former Iraq strongman Saddam Hussein, along with other strongmen throughout history, share a key oratorical gesture. The gesture is called “Dictator’s Finger,” because it’s seen only in people who believe they are infallible. “The moment we saw Donald Trump raise his index finger for the first time in a debate, we saw the connection with dictators throughout history,” says Nelson Pottsmann, professor of communications at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and director of the MIT Center for Body Language and Non-Verbal Communication Studies. More.

Testimonial: ‘Trump Helped Me Find My Inner Racist’

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Photographic_silhouettes_of_people#/media/File:Contre-jour_talk.jpgI know Donald Trump isn’t as rich as he says he is. He’d show his taxes to us if he were. And I know he’s conned a lot of people out of their money at Trump University and Trump Mortgage. And I know he caused no small amount of grief to rich folk who invested money in his airline, casino, and the XFL. And I know he was for socialized medicine before he was against it, and I doubt he’s cracked open the Bible more than once in 40 years. And I know he used to call up reporters and pretend he was someone else to boast about how much women wanted him. I know all that, but there’s just something you don’t understand. You see, after years—decades, really—of  repressing my feelings, he’s allowed me to express my inner racism and bigotry, and I can’t tell you what a relief it is. More.

Trump Taps John Miller To Be His Chief Spokesperson

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Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump named John Miller his top press secretary today and said Miller will be his White House spokesperson should he win in November. “I’ve known John all my life and no one has my back the way he does,” Trump told reporters at a press conference. MIller, 69, who also goes by the name John Barron or John Baron, has served as spokesperson for the New York real estate mogul several times over the years and is known among reporters and editors as someone who knows Trump well. More.

Accountant: ‘Trump So Broke He Can’t Even Afford His Own Steaks’

gsDespite boasts about his wealth, presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump is pretty broke, says an accountant who prepared the real estate mogul’s taxes before he ran for president. “He would be fine if he sold off Trump Tower and his fleet of planes—which are quite old and outmoded, by the way—but he refuses to do that and his bottom line is paying the price for that stubbornness,” says Samuel Green, a CPA with Gunther, Green & Taylor, one of Manhattan’s largest accountant firms. Green was lead accountant on Trump’s taxes from 2003 to 2014 but was reassigned after recommending asset sales to liquidate the equity Trump has left in his holdings. “I know he’s got his name on everything, but most of that is branding,” he says. More.

Woman Says She’s Trump’s Daughter; Seeks White House Bedroom

nwrIn a sensational claim, the supermarket tabloid Weekly National Report says a 50-year-old woman in Fayetteville, Ark., Dannielle Eggles, is the daughter of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump and she’s demanding a “White House bedroom” for her and her husband if he is elected president. “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I feel I must come forward because it’s time for my daddy to stop pretending I don’t exist,” Eggles said at a press conference in Fayetteville yesterday. Eggles, a clerk at Target, said she had resigned herself to living in the shadow of her famous father and her glamorous half brothers and sisters, but six months ago she and her husband, Ron Eggles, decided she could no longer do that. “We just thought it wasnt fair that Ivanka, Tiffany, Eric, Donald, Jr., and Barron all get to live the high life while we have to scrape our fingers to the bone just because daddy pretends I don’t exist.” More.

Trump Outlines Plans for a U.S. Department of Deportations

ddd Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump started fleshing out details of his administration should he win in November with release of a detailed plan for a U.S. Department of Deportations that he will create within his first 100 days in office. “We have 11 million illegal Mexicans to deport and 1.6 billion Muslims to keep out of our country, so it’s going to be a big department and it’s going to do things well,” Trump said yesterday at a press conference
in the lobby of his signature building in New York City, Trump Tower. Under the plan, the Department of Deportations will be a part of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security but it will have independent funding and its chief will be a presidential appointee. Trump said the department won’t require annual appropriations from Congress because it will generate its own funds through a levy on Mexican imports into the United States. More.

10 Ways America is No Longer Great

gsRepublican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump is running on the slogan “Make America Great Again.” Here are 10 ways the United States is no longer great. 1. Its women are no longer beautiful. Today, someone wealthy has to look outside the United States for a wife, at least two out of three times, because all of the hot women are taken. 2. It’s no longer a meritocracy. It’s possible for someone to use his wealth to run for president even though he’s driven the company his dad started into bankruptcy four times. 3. It’s no longer a melting pot. It’s possible for someone running for president to win more votes than his competitors by asking his supporters to slug immigrants or people of color who disrupt his rallies. More.

Trump: ‘My Women Will Tell You I’m Not a Misogynist’

mnRepublican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump said today he’s not a misogynist and that “his women” will tell you that. “My wife Melania and my daughter Ivanka, just ask them,” said Trump. “They’ll tell you I’m no misogynist. And my other women—Marla and Ivana. They’ll tell you the same thing. All of my women, past and present, know I like women. In fact, I love women. I love them a lot.” Trump said “his women at work” also know he’s not a misogynist. “I give all of my women at The Trump Company opportunity. I give them responsibility. I don’t have to give them those things, but I do. Because my women are the best. In fact, I wouldn’t have anything but the best women.” More.

Trump to Pick Daughter Ivanka to Be Vice Presidential Running Mate

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Republican presidentlal nomination frontrunner Donald Trump is planning to name his daughter, Ivanka Trump, to be his vice presidential running mate, according to Trump campaign officials who have worked on the matter. “It’s an unorthodox pick, but Donald knows the public loves his daughter and so he believes the two of them will make an unbeatable team in the general election,” says a campaign official who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “Ivanka’s favorable ratings are far higher than her father’s, so there’s a feeling that she’ll lift him up in states he’s lagging in.” There are other names on Trump’s list, but the official said it’s unlikely to be anyone other than Ivanka. More.

Only Two Allies Have Sought to Ban Trump From Their Countries

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The Mexican legislature received a petition yesterday from Mexico City to block Donald Trump, the leader for the Republican presidential nomination, from entering their country in retaliation for his proposal to build a border wall that Mexico must pay for. José de Jesús Zambrano, the speaker of the Chamber of Deputies, Mexico’s equivalent to the U.S. House of Representatives, said in a statement he would consider taking up the proposal. “The United States is an important country, our largest trading partner, so taking up such a petition has far-raching implications for the Mexican people,” he said. “I will consider it carefully.” More.

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