Testimonial: ‘Trump Helped Me Find My Inner Racist’

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Photographic_silhouettes_of_people#/media/File:Contre-jour_talk.jpgI know Donald Trump isn’t as rich as he says he is. He’d show his taxes to us if he were. And I know he’s conned a lot of people out of their money at Trump University and Trump Mortgage. And I know he caused no small amount of grief to rich folk who invested money in his airline, casino, and the XFL. And I know he was for socialized medicine before he was against it, and I doubt he’s cracked open the Bible more than once in 40 years. And I know he used to call up reporters and pretend he was someone else to boast about how much women wanted him.

I know all that, but there’s just something you don’t understand. You see, after years—decades, really—of  repressing my feelings, he’s allowed me to express my inner racism and bigotry, and I can’t tell you what a relief it is. I hate you, you effin’ foreigners! There, I said it. You Mexicans! Go back to eating tacos in a tin trailer in Guadalajara, okay?! And you blacks! I wish we could send you all back to Africa to live in Liberia. Isn’t that why we invented that country, so you could all go back there and have babies and live in mud huts? And take Obama with you!

God, what a relief to unburden myself in this way. I’m not one to use big words, but now I know what the professors and intellectual types mean when they say something has a cathartic effect. Let me tell you, pointing a finger at a towel-head and telling him to go back to India sure makes me feel good. He can eat his stinky yellow spices all day long in the streets of Calcutta if he wants; just don’t do it in the mall here in https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Man_and_woman_silhouettes.jpgIndiana, okay? And all you Muslims: go crazy and blow yourselves up, but don’t come here and do it. Nobody asked you to come here and get all in a huff because of the way we live. You don’t like it? Just get on the next plane and get the hell out—that is, if one of your terrorist friends don’t blow you up while you’re in the air! Better yet, why don’t you just take your flying carpet? All those rug stores you guys own downtown are just fronts for transferring terrorist money, anyway.

Ah, I have to tell you, it feels really good, just saying whatever the hell comes to mind. All those years of bottling up inside me all the hate I feel for anyone who’s not just a true blue American or other type of European person, like a Canadian. They’re okay. And the English. I like bythem. And I can put up with the French. And the Germans make me a little nervous but they’re damn good engineers and I respect that. The Spanish are about as ethnic as I like to get, and the only religion I can really put up with other than Christianity is Judaism, but only if they don’t walk around with yarmulkes on their heads chanting all that biblical Hebrew stuff that sounds a little too much like Arabic to me. I mean, the Jews are at least good at making money and they make good doctors and lawyers. But what the hell do the Arabs make except holes in the ground? I’m telling you, it’s high time we told you whack jobs to stay the hell out of the U.S. of A. And I can’t get over how good it feels just to get that off my chest. Thirty years. Forty years. Who the hell knows how long I’ve been keeping that inside me. But now we’re free, because we’re gonna have a president who’s gonna make America great again. And how is he gonna do that? By keeping all 1.6 billion Muslims out of this country. And the Mexican rapists? They can just go back to Mexico and fart their beans there. And the Chinese? They can take their cheap plastic toys and pollute their own rivers with them, because we’re gonna slap a 40 percent tariff on them and they they can just choke on their chop suey and chow mein. Effin’ slanty eyes stealing our technology and paying people dirt so they can make all our shit there and sell it back to us? F* that, man.

All I can say is, I don’t care how many people Donald Trump has screwed. As long as he screws the scumbags who are ruining this country, he can screw as many people as he wants. As far as I’m concerned, it’s a new day in America, and I’m gonna unburden myself like there’s no tomorrow, because our next president has helped me find and embrace my inner Trump. And now all my ugliness is there for everyone to see. Ah, it’s like emptying your bowels after a long church service. Just one big relief, and now that it’s coming out, there’s no stopping it. It’s gonna be different here in America, looking ahead. We’ve finally been liberated. We finally can be who we really are.

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photo: pd (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of image.

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Ad Campaign Highlights Lighter Side of KKK

commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Ku_Klux_Klan_Suomi.jpgThe Ku Klux Klan, based in Pulaski, Tenn., has retained the international public relations firm Clayton+Daye to educate Americans about the good the organization does and the fun its members have. “There’s a perception among Americans that the KKK is all about lynchings and scrawling swastikas on cars,” says John Arnold, a past grand master of the 150-year-old organization. “Those things are a big part of it, yes. But the group is so much more than that. We have picnics, help people paint houses and fences—in short, we help build community. Of course, it’s community for white people, but it’s community nonetheless.” In the ad campaign, which will air on TV and radio and have an online component beginning this spring, Klan members and their families will be shown as ordinary Americans who care about each other and the places they live. More.

AP Stylebook: Trump Downgraded to ‘Millionaire’ in Journalistic References

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Scientist: Election Will Finally Reveal How Many Racists Live in U.S.

bsWhether Republican or Democrat, many people across the country are dreading the presidential election between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton this year. But there’s one group of Americans who are looking forward to November 8, when tens of millions of people go to the polls: Scientists. John Albertson, professor of demographics at the University of Pennsylvania, says the election provides a once-in-a-lifetime chance to see exactly how many racists are in the United States. “The one underlying trait that voters of Donald Trump will have in common is racism, so at least from a scientific perspective, we’re going to have an unprecedented opportunity to finally get a firm count on how many of them are in the country,” he says. More.

Clinton: ‘Only Thing Trump Has Is the Bigot Card’

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ahFormer vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin said on her Facebook page in early April that we should all just condone racism as a way to make the world a better place. Here are six other things we think Palin should condone: White people. It’s not politically correct, but let’s give a shout out to the people who made this country great. More.

Trump: ‘My Women Will Tell You I’m Not a Misogynist’

mnRepublican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump said today he’s not a misogynist and that “his women” will tell you that. “My wife Melania and my daughter Ivanka, just ask them,” said Trump. “They’ll tell you I’m no misogynist. And my other women—Marla and Ivana. They’ll tell you the same thing. All of my women, past and present, know I like women. In fact, I love women. I love them a lot.” Trump said “his women at work” also know he’s not a misogynist. “I give all of my women at The Trump Company opportunity. I give them responsibility. I don’t have to give them those things, but I do. Because my women are the best. In fact, I wouldn’t have anything but the best women.” More.

Accountant: ‘Trump So Broke He Can’t Even Afford His Own Steaks’

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Only Two Allies Have Sought to Ban Trump From Their Countries

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The Mexican legislature received a petition yesterday from Mexico City to block Donald Trump, the leader for the Republican presidential nomination, from entering their country in retaliation for his proposal to build a border wall that Mexico must pay for. José de Jesús Zambrano, the speaker of the Chamber of Deputies, Mexico’s equivalent to the U.S. House of Representatives, said in a statement he would consider taking up the proposal. “The United States is an important country, our largest trading partner, so taking up such a petition has far-raching implications for the Mexican people,” he said. “I will consider it carefully.” More.

 

 

 

 

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