Trump Outlines Plans for a U.S. Department of Deportations

mvPresumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump started fleshing out details of his administration should he win in November with release of a detailed plan for a U.S. Department of Deportations that he will create within his first 100 days in office.

“We have 11 million illegal Mexicans to deport and 1.6 billion Muslims to keep out of our country, so it’s going to be a big department and it’s going to do things well,” Trump said yesterday at a press conference
in the lobby of his signature building in New York City, Trump Tower.

Under the plan, the Department of Deportations will be a part of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security but it will have independent funding and its chief will be a presidential appointee.

dddTrump said the department won’t require annual appropriations from Congress because it will generate its own funds through a levy on Mexican imports into the United States. “Of course, Congress will have an oversight role—make sure funds are being used efficiently—but the beauty of the plan is we’re not putting the taxpayer on the hook to pay for Mexico’s wall,” Trump said.

It’s also up to Congress to pass the levy on the Mexican imports that will fund its operations. “As I said, Congress has a role here; they’re not cut out completely,” he said. “Congress still has the ultimate authority on taxes and tariffs, so I’ll be going to Congress and we’ll figure out whether the tariff needs to be 30 percent, 40 percent. These are important decisions.”

jpd

Trump wouldn’t say who he has in mind to head up the department, but officials within the campaign said there’s only one person seriously under consideration, and that’s Corey Lewandowski, former manager of the campaign who was assigned a new role a month ago after he was charged with assaulting a reporter. “This is and always will be Corey’s job,” the campaign official said. “It was designed with him in mind and in fact he’s already laying the groundwork for it in anticipation of our winning in November.”

In addition to building and managing the wall, the department will oversee the effort to keep out any of the 1.6 billion Muslims in the world from entering the United States. “The real test of how effective a department it will be is, how well will it keep out potential terrorists?” said the official. “Will a few Muslims get through? Of course. But as long as they don’t act too Muslim-y, we’re not going to make a big stink about it. Because this is about terrorists and keeping them out at the end of the day, not letting some peaceful Muslims come into the country to have shish kebab with their family.”

The plan envisions assigning the super-secret defense research agency, known by the acronym DARPA, to devise a way to identify Muslims in as non-disruptive way as possible. “They might come up with a system that identifies Muslims by smell, for example, or by x-ray analysis,” said the official. “I know it sounds far-fetched, but it’s not. There are ways to identify trace amounts of smells on people, so it’s just a matter of repttidentifying a smell that all Muslims have—maybe they all eat lamb, for example, and so there will be trace lamb smells on all of them. If that’s the case, it’s just a matter of developing a sensor sensitive enough to isolate that smell. Then it’s just a matter of TSA guys discretely pulling aside people who smell like they’ve had lamb in the last 48 hours and doing further tests. It’s not an impossible task.”

Although it wouldn’t be part of the department’s official duties, it will have the role of keeping out anyone who comes from a country that bans Trump, So, for example, if Great Britain ends up banning Trump from going to England or Scotland or Wales, anyone from those countries wouldn’t be allowed in the United States, and the Department of Deportations would handle that.

“We wouldn’t want to publicize that aspect of it, but, yeah, if Trump can’t go to Scotland to play golf, there’s no way anyone from Scotland is getting into the United States,” the source said. “Hopefully the U.K. will think twice about banning him should he become president. If they ban him in Mexico, who cares?”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photo: mv, jpd (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of image.

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