Republicans and Democrats Agree: Bats Are Pretty Ugly

nrc

‘Can’t help them. Sorry’

In a rare moment of bipartisanship, Republicans and Democrats on the House Natural Resources Committee yesterday applauded U.S. wildlife officials for their decision not to set aside protected habitat areas for an endangered species of bats.

“All of America’s wildlife are important, and we’re as worried about our bat population as anyone, but if we had to let one species go, it should probably be the bats,” Rob Bishop (R-Utah), chair of the committee, said yesterday. “While we hope the Department of Fish and Wildlife can work out a way to protect imperiled bats, if they can’t, we understand.”

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Save me

“Not all animals get protected habitat, it’s as simple as that,” said Jim Costa (D-Calif.), a senior member of the committee. “Setting aside an area is expensive. And we’re in a budget crunch. So, the bats are going to have to manage on their own for now. Sorry.”

At issue is an effort by conservationists to get the federal government to designate the caves of the northern long-eared bat a critical habitat. The bats have been decimated in recent years by the spread of a fungus that causes white-nose syndrome, a deadly disease.

Federal officials say the designation of certain caves as critical habitat won’t help the bats, because it will attract vandals. But conservationists say the federal government is biased against bats because they’re ugly. “I can assure you, if we were talking about bunnies, we would not be having this fight,” says Jennifer Smith, president of the Conservation League in Washington. “The government is trying to save money on the backs of our bats—our hideous, grotesque, anatomically disgusting bats.”

Costa called on conversationists to give up the fight. “We have bipartisan agreement on this,” he said. “The bats are on their own.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photo: nrc, cr (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of image.

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