Wall Street: ‘Of Course Sanders, Clinton Bashed Me; They’re in Brooklyn’

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Yay, Brooklyn, boo, Wall St.

Wall Street said today that it’s not surprised it was attacked so mercilessly by Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders and former secretary of state Hillary Clinton at last night’s Democratic presidential nomination debate, because the event took place in Brooklyn, which has long had it out for its wealthier and more glamorous neighbor.

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Whatever

“I have more money, my people are better dressed, I have nicer restaurants, I have the big buildings . . . . I expected nothing less from the Brooklyn debate than to be demonized by the two so-called New York candidates,” Wall Street said this morning.

In the debate, which took place at the trendy Navy Yard in Brooklyn, Wall Street came under repeated and withering attack by the candidates, for causing the 2008 meltdown in the global economy and for failing to have financial survival plans in place as required under the 2010 banking reform law, Dodd-Frank. Wall Street also came under attack for paying some $675,000 to Clinton, when she was out of office, for her speeches to Wall Street executives.

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Insecure?

Both Sanders and Clinton claim New York as a home base. Sanders was born and raised in Brooklyn, although he left later to represent Vermont in the U.S. Senate. And Clinton, after her husband’s presidency, took up residence there and became the state’s senator,

“I’m thrilled Brooklyn was given its moment in the spotlight,” Wall Street said. “I can appreciate how important it is for my smaller, frequently overlooked neighbor to have a moment to shine. Of course, it would have been nice had it shown some class and not used its five minutes of fame to beat me up. But, of course, that’s to be expected. At the end of the day, though, it’s not important to me.”

In response to Wall Street’s remarks, Brooklyn said it’s true Wall Street has the money and the buildings, but it doesn’t have the one thing money can’t buy: the cool factor. “Wall Street can have the wealth and the big cars,” it said. “Everyone knows where the cool people are. They’re not in Manhattan. They’re not on Wall Street. They’re in Brooklyn. So, c’est la vie.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified) pd (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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