Lindsey Graham Selling Ted Cruz Endorsement Survival Kits

boxU.S. Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina today announced a Ted Cruz Endorsement Survival Kit for $7.99.

“As one of the first U.S. senators to endorse Ted Cruz for president, I can tell you it’s not an easy thing to do,” Graham said at a press conference at the National Press Club in Washington. “But with my kit, you don’t need to suffer the way I did. My kit has a remedy for every stage of the process: the self-loathing, the impulse to cut yourself . . . . Think of a kindly guide escorting you through the 9 stages of Hell. You can’t escape your fate, but the sting doesn’t have to be quite so bad.”

Here’s what you get for $7.99:

pin Clothespin to hold your nose while you make your announcement

mints Breath mints to cover up the foul taste in your mouth

whiskey Whiskey to help you forget, and to help you sleep at night

Freud Consultation with a psychiatrist to help you come to grips with your action

conf Appointment with a priest to confess your sin

commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:See_No_Evil,_Hear_No_Evil,_Speak_No_Evil.jpg “See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil” doll set to keep on your desk

Graham said you don’t have to be a member of Congress to purchase the kit and he’s keeping none of the proceeds for himself. “I’ve instructed my personal PAC to launch a charity, Save the Republicans, to find a cure for the deadly disease that is killing Republicans around the country.”

The Ted Cruz Endorsemet Survival Kit is available for a limited time.

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified) pd (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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