Trump Combover Implicated in Panama Papers Exposé

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‘Nothing here’

The combover of Republican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump has been storing tens of millions of dollars in offshore bank accounts in Panama since 2006 in an alleged effort to avoid paying federal taxes, a report on the so-called Panama Papers by the International Coalition of Investigative Journalists claims.

“Working under the name ‘Andre Smooth,’ the combover of Donald Trump has diverted between $4 million and $7 million each year since 2006 in a Panama-based holding company, Smooth, LLC, that otherwise claims no assets,” says the report, released yesterday as part of a rising tide of disclosures coming out of the investigation of some 11.5 million documents leaked from the Panamanian law firm Mossack Fonseca.

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Andre Smooth in Panama City

panAs of February 2016, the Andre Smooth account had almost $70 million in it. The funds have since been frozen by the Panamanian government at the request of the United States government while it looks into the matter.

Already the Panama Papers revelations have rattled governments across the globe and has led to the resignation of Iceland Prime Minister Sigmundur David Gunnlaugsson, who was found to have diverted assets into secret accounts from Icelandic banks that were under government supervision stemming from the mortgage crisis 10 years ago. Other prominent political figures whose names have surfaced in connection with the papers include family members of U.K. Prime MInister David Cameron and high-ranking associates of Russian President Vladimir Putin.

Investigators stress that inclusion of a person’s name does not in itself mean misdeeds have occurred, only that the person, or associates of the person, have some connection to offshore accounts. Investigators also point out that many companies have legitimate, and legal, business reasons for maintaining offshore accounts.

In the case of Andre Smooth, investigators say, the accounts have no discernible business purpose. “For a company to have a legitimate business reason to maintain an offshore account like this, it must conduct some type of business and claim income generating assets,” says the report. “In the case of Andre Smooth, there is no discernible business purpose.”

A spokesperson for the combover says Donald Trump’s hair manages his money in strict accordance with U.S. law and that will be shown as the matter is looked into further. “U.S. financial reporting laws are complex,” says the spokesperson, Marsha Barnes. “As investigators learn more, they will see that Donald Trump’s combover has scrupulously followed applicable U.S. law. Of course, we will seek damages from the government for harming the reputation of a law-abiding citizen’s hair.”

The golden, silky hair is known the world over as the combover of Donald Trump, the front-runner for the Republican presidential nomination. “The amount of damage this has caused, not just to his hair but also to Donald Trump, is incalculable,” Barnes says. “You can be sure we’ll be seeking damages in the millions of dollars.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified) pd (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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