Dream Ticket: Trump-Cruz are Sure to Win a State Against Hillary

TC

Dream team

Republican party officials are giddy over the prospect of Donald Trump and Ted Cruz joining forces in Cleveland and taking on Hillary Clinton in the general election this fall.

“A Trump-Cruz combo is guaranteed to win us at least one state in the general election, and possibly even two,” says a Republican party operative who asked not to be identified so he could talk candidly about campaign strategy. “Let Hillary Clinton and whoever she’s running with take 48, maybe 49 states. With our two leading candidates joining forces, we’ll get a state—and maybe two. And they could be big ones.”

Texas

Sure win

The operative thinks a pairing of real estate mogul Donald Trump with Texas Sen. Ted Cruz will net the Republicans Texas, with its 38 electoral votes, and other southern states could be in play as well, although former secretary of state Clinton is expected to do well in the South, especially if she picks U.S. Department of Housing and Urban Development Secretary Julian Castro to be her running mate. Castro is a former mayor of San Antonio and is expected to help her with Hispanics and Southerners in general.

The idea of Trump and Cruz joining forces in the fall isn’t an idle fantasy. Republican party officials are saying it’s a done deal. “It’s as good as set in stone,” says a party official who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “With Trump, we get zero states in the general election. With Cruz, we get one state, Texas. With the two of them, we get Texas and possibly a second or even a third state. So, yeah, we’re pumped about this.”

Peter Reynolds, a retired insurance executive in Tulsa, Okla., says he would never vote for Trump because of his past liberal attitudes about gays and abortions, and the fact that he doesn’t go to church, but with Cruz on the ticket, he feels better about casting his vote for the New Yorker. “I know Ted will keep him in line,” says Reynolds.

Ala

Real possibility

John Morton, a Republican party activist who will serve as a delegate from Alabama at the Republican national convention in July, says a Trump-Cruz ticket will have a good shot at capturing Alabama, which would mean Republicans could sweep a quarter of the South. “As we stand here today, does anyone think the Republicans could walk away with three southern states in November?” Morton says. “No, of course not. But with Trump and Cruz combining forces, a three-state sweep isn’t just a fantasy; it’s a possibility.”

Adding Alabama to the Republican column will get Republicans 53 votes in the electoral college, leaving Democrats with just 485. “If I were Democrats right now,” says Morton, “I would be very, very nervous. With Trump’s high negatives with all voting constituencies except for white men, and with Cruz the least liked member of the U.S. Senate and a lawmaker most Americans fear and viscerally dislike, how can we lose putting the two together? We can’t, because we’re sure to get at least one state, and, as we’ve seen, possibly even three. Talk of the Republican party’s death is certainly premature.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified) pd (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

More stories:

Cruz Promises to Shut Down Government If Elected President

mv

Texas Sen. Ted Cruz said if he’s elected president he would waste no time in shutting down the federal government, something he tried but failed to do three years ago as a member of the U.S. Senate. “The reason I tried to shut down the government three years ago is still present today,” Cruz said yesterday at a campaign stop in Harrisonburg, Pa. “Obamacare. Nothing has changed. That’s why, on Day One, I’m turning out the lights and locking the door to the federal government.” Cruz embarked on a 21-hour filibuster in October 2013 to prevent a Senate vote on a bill to raise the ceiling on the amount of debt the United States government can incur. In years past, periodic increases in the debt ceiling passed routinely, regardless of who was in the White House. More.

Lindsey Graham Selling Ted Cruz Endorsement Survival Kits

boxU.S. Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina today announced a Ted Cruz Endorsement Survival Kit for $7.99.”As one of the first U.S. senators to endorse Ted Cruz for president, I can tell you it’s not an easy thing to do,” Graham said at a press conference at the National Press Club in Washington. “But with my kit, you don’t need to suffer the way I did. My kit has a remedy for every stage of the process: the self-loathing, the impulse to cut yourself . . . . Think of a kindly guide escorting you through the 9 stages of Hell. You can’t escape your fate, but the sting doesn’t have to be quite so bad.” More.

Neurosurgeon: ‘Donald Trump Really Does Have Big, Beautiful Brain’

brainsMayo Clinic neurosurgeon Ronald Madison has studied the brain of Republican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump and says it really is a “big, beautiful” specimen of human’s most important organ. “When Donald Trump compliments his own brain, he does so on good grounds,” says Madison, who studied Trump’s brain in 2013, when the real estate mogul went to the Mayo Clinic for tests. Madison says Trump was complaining of “low energy” and wanted to rule out anything neurological, so he arranged to have a battery of tests done. “What I found was, of all the brains I’ve seen, Trump’s was certainly one of the biggest and most beautiful ever,” he says. “It’s a very good brain.” More.

Babes Launch ‘Dudes For Hillary’ to Elevate Men’s ‘Voices’

dMen have strong political convictions; men have the right to vote. More importantly, though, men have abs and biceps. At first glance, you might gather that’s the message behind a growing Snapchat account, “Dudes For Hillary,” which proclaims to be “Making America Whole Again One Dude at A Time.” The account, that is run by women, houses dozens of images of conventionally attractive men baring it all in the name of supporting Hillary. More.

White, Working-Class Men: ‘Only President With Personality Disorder Can Save U.S.’

Reps

A survey  finds that white, working-class men believe the next president of the United States must have a clinical personality disorder if the country is ever going to be great again. “Unless the next president denies reality, treats others with contempt, and doesn’t care what effect his words have on others, we will never be the country we were when we were great,” one respondent says in the survey. “Nor can we be great again if the president doesn’t divide the country by race, ethnicity, gender, religious beliefs, and political preferences.” In the survey, conducted nationally last week by NBC News and The Washington Post, three out of four white, working-class men say presidents in the past have been “too beholden to reality” and have hurt the United States by “failing to live in a fantasy world of their own making.” More.

Why Kasich Happened

mv

People everywhere are asking, Why John Kasich? What are the changes sweeping the United States today that the governor of Ohio and one-time House Budget chair is consistently taking a fifth of the Republican electorate by storm? Will he continually take one out of every five Republican votes cast or can he be stopped? These are the questions being asked not just among Republican party elites but among all Americans who are wondering where this political mystery comes from and where he could possibly be taking the country. “Love him or hate him, John Kasich is changing the face of Republican politics for at least a fifth of Republican voters,” says Brad Lenderman, a Republican campaign consultant who previously worked with former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush. More.

John Kasich? We Were Voting For His Wife, Voters Say

kwk

John Kasich finally broke through the crowd in the Republican presidential race earlier this week with his second-place finish in New Hampshire, but a detailed look at exit polls shows that it’s his wife, Kathy, that voters want in the White House. “John Kasich is okay, I think, especially given the rest of the GOP crowd, but his wife, now she’s a person that would make a great president,” says Jane Reynolds, a school teacher in Portsmouth, N.H. “Smart, articulate, and knows the business world—yep, she has it all. And she’s better looking than that woman who just dropped out. Carla Farina? Cari Ferraro? I can never remember her name.” “Can I look at Kathy Kasich for the next four years on nightly television as our First Lady?” asks Bill Jones, a retired engineer. More.

Kasich: ‘As Long as I Have the Rush Vote, I’m Staying In’

k2

The Republican party establishment, desperate to prevent Donald Trump from walking away with the presidential nomination, has repeatedly asked Ohio Gov. John Kasich to leave the race. But Kasich, despite his mostly lackluster performance, says he has a stash of secret support from a large and important constituency and he doesn’t want to see that bloc of voters left without a champion. “I owe it to Rush fans all over the United States to stay in the race and make sure their values are represented on the campaign trail and reflected in the party platform when the Republicans meet in July for the convention—which, by the way, is in my home state,” says Kasich. More.

Voters Stunned to Learn Rand Paul’s Withdrawal Hasn’t Dimmed Spotlight for Canadian Rockers Rush

commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Disorderly_bedrooms#/media/File:Sorry_for_the_mess.jpg

Just when they thought it was safe to go to presidential campaign events without having to listen to the Canadian band Rush, voters have learned that Rand Paul, the libertarian candidate who recently dropped out of the race, isn’t the only fan of the band. Ohio Gov. John Kasich is also a fan, which means the piercing screech of Geddy Lee and the tin-can thumping of Neil Peart once again threaten to send property values down around 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. in Washington. “Please, tell me this isn’t true,” says Jim Robinson, 40, an attorney in Carson City, Nev., who was interested in voting for Rand Paul but decided he could never vote for anyone who quoted Rush lyrics at campaign events. More.

Study: Trump, Like Saddam Hussein, Has ‘Dictator’s Finger’

coverIs Republican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump a dictator in the making? A report from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology suggests he is, based on a body-language analysis that finds he and former Iraq strongman Saddam Hussein, along with other strongmen throughout history, share a key oratorical gesture. The gesture is called “Dictator’s Finger,” because it’s seen only in people who believe they are infallible. “The moment we saw Donald Trump raise his index finger for the first time in a debate, we saw the connection with dictators throughout history,” says Nelson Pottsmann, professor of communications at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and director of the MIT Center for Body Language and Non-Verbal Communication Studies. More.

Cruz: If We Don’t Act Fearful, the Terrorists Win

mv

SALT LAKE CITY—Texas Sen. Ted Cruz said the Islamic terrorists who killed more than 30 people and injured hundreds in Brussels earlier this week will walk away the victors if the United States doesn’t react with hysterics. “How can the United States make clear it’s the strongest nation on earth if we don’t get hysterical and overreact with bans on Muslims and threaten the carpet bombing of Muslims in Syria and elsewhere?” Cruz said here. Cruz was critical of President Obama for not changing his schedule to react with hysterics in the wake of the bombing. Obama is in Cuba on a long-planned trip as part of the two countries’ effort to normalize their relations with one another. More.

Poll: Voters OK With a Little Bigotry in President

b chartAlmost 60 percent of Republicans say a little bigotry isn’t a “deal killer” in determining who gets their vote for president, and about that same percentage say “it’s not critical” the next president represent all Americans as long as “a good chunk” of Americans are represented, according to the results of the most recent Center for American Politics poll. The results suggest Republican party leaders and big-money donors face headwinds in their effort to deny the 2016 Republican presidential nomination to real estate mogul Donald Trump, who has been accused of making bigoted and other divisive remarks on the campaign trail. More.

Poll: Americans Want a Liar, Xenophobe, Racist, Misogynist, Birther, and Bully for President

poll2Why is real estate mogul Donald Trump doing so well in his bid to become the Republican presidential nominee? The results of a poll released yesterday by The Washington Post and the University of Virginia might have one explanation: a majority of Americans say they want the president of the United States to be a liar, xenophobe, racist, misogynist, birther, and bully. “If America had a liar, xenophobe, racist, misogynist, birther, and bully for president, we would be great again,” one respondent said in the poll. “We don’t have anyone like that right now, and America is going to hell in a hand basket.” More.

A Bald Trump is a Weak Trump: Inside the Secret Plan to Take Out The Donald

sam

When Paul Ryan, the speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives, met with concerned Republican donors and officials last week to talk about the party’s Trump problem, there was consensus that more needed to be done to stop the billionaire from marching to Cleveland with an insurmountable claim to the presidential nomination. But there was no consensus on what to do—until the last 10 minutes of the meeting, according to a party official who spoke on the condition of anonymity. In a last-gasp effort to put the brakes on the Trump train, the group concluded a covert mission was needed to separate Trump from his beloved combover—and let his vulnerability shine out for all to see. More.

Rubio: Should Have Hit the Genitalia Thing Longer and Harder

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Marco_Rubio_in_2016#/media/File:Marco_Rubio_by_Gage_Skidmore_10.jpg

Fla. Sen. Marco Rubio said yesterday his biggest mistake was waiting too long and going too soft on Republican nomination frontrunner Donald Trump’s genitalia. “Had I brought out the genitalia attack in early February, when it would have had the most impact, I could have dented Trump’s momentum and carried far more Super Tuesday states than just Minnesota,” he said. Rubio spoke with reporters after his announcement last night that he was ending his campaign for president. Rubio also said he should have hit the genitalia issue harder. “It wasn’t enough to allude to the fact that Trump had small genitalia,” he said. “I underestimated how important a line of argument that was. The situation called for a full frontal assault on his finger length, which would have suggested more than just his fingers were short. But you can’t turn back time. It is what it is.” More.

Scientists Discover Formula for Trump’s Combover

mv File:Trump_SQ.pngScientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology released a paper yesterday cracking the physics behind the combover of Republican presidential nominee frontrunner Donald Trump and say the famous hairstyle stands as one of the most complex creations of mankind. “An amazing piece of work, a testament to the beauty of complex systems and of the world around us,” says Reynolds Aimsworth, professor of physics and mathematics at MIT and the lead author of the paper. Aimsworth says the combover is based on an inversion of a positive tangent-secant radian, something scientists didn’t believe was possible.” More.

Voters Bemoan Only 9 Months Left in Presidential Campaign

yt

The race for the U.S. presidency, with only seven months left to go, already has voters concerned that so little time is left to watch more debates, candidate speeches, and voting results. “I just don’t see how anyone can really get a sense of who will be the best president by November,” says Clarence Smythe, an accountant in Tucson, Ariz. “Unless we see Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, and the others exchange more insults, trying to decide who will be best in the White House isn’t realistic.” Lisa Caldwell, a part-time teacher’s aide in Lansing, Mich., would agree. “Can we really know if Donald Trump has the temperament to be president if we don’t get more occasions to hear him call Ted Cruz ‘Lying Ted?'” More.

Actually, Hillary Has the Longest Fingers

IF2Boasts and counter-boasts about who among the remaining U.S. presidential candidates has the longest fingers, and therefore the most impressive endowment, took an unexpected turn when it was revealed that Democratic nomination front-runner Hillary Clinton has the longest fingers of them all. “Donald Trump might think he has his competition beat when it comes to the length of his fingers, but he might want to get out his ruler again because no one’s got an endowment like Hillary Clinton, if the length of her fingers is any guide,” says political consultant John Mayberry, who spoke this morning on CBS News. “I think this might give us some insight into who the real man in this campaign is.” More.

Only Two Allies Have Sought to Ban Trump From Their Countries

mn

The Mexican legislature received a petition yesterday from Mexico City to block Donald Trump, the leader for the Republican presidential nomination, from entering their country in retaliation for his proposal to build a border wall that Mexico must pay for. José de Jesús Zambrano, the speaker of the Chamber of Deputies, Mexico’s equivalent to the U.S. House of Representatives, said in a statement he would consider taking up the proposal. “The United States is an important country, our largest trading partner, so taking up such a petition has far-raching implications for the Mexican people,” he said. “I will consider it carefully.” More.

 

 

 

Advertisements