Jeb: ‘Couldn’t Muster the Energy to Find My Glasses at the End’

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Conveying strength?

Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush said his energy level was so low by the time voting began in South Carolina that he couldn’t even bother to find his glasses after he had lost them. “What’s the point, you know?” says Bush, who dropped out of the race after the polls closed. “Why do I need to see when it’s clear no one wants to vote for me? Glasses on or off? Who the hell cares?”

Bush was seen without his glasses for the last two weeks of campaigning in the state. Some analysts said he replaced his glasses with contacts to look more masculine, less bookish, but Bush says he just didn’t have the juice to look for his glasses. “They’re usually on the nightstand next to the bed.” he says. “About two weeks ago I must have left them in the bathroom, and I just didn’t have the energy to go look for them. The campaign was totally wearing me out. Who has the energy to look for glasses when you’re killing yourself trying to win votes from people who have no intention of voting for you?”

South Carolina has traditionally been a good state for the Bush family. Both Bush’s father and his brother did well in the state, and both went on to win the presidency. But Jeb Bush finished fourth in a six-man field. Real estate mogul Donald Trump won by a comfortable margin, followed by Florida Sen. Marco Rubio and Texas Sen. Ted Cruz. Ohio Gov. John Kasich finished just behind Bush and is staying in the race. “More power to Kasich,” Bush says. “He clearly has more energy than I do. I don’t know how he gets up in the morning and rouses himself to campaign when the odds are stacked so heavily against him. I wish I had that kind of energy, but unfortunately I don’t.”

The withdrawal opens the door wider for Trump to solidify his frontrunner status for the nomination. “Would I appoint Jeb to my cabinet if I’m elected?” Trump said after hearing of Bush’s withdrawal from the race. “If I did, it wouldn’t be secretary of energy.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified) pd (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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