As a boy growing up in Alabama, Georgia, and then Kentucky, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell would occasionally go a week or two without getting beat up by other kids, a book released this week claims.
“Not every week was ‘beat up Mitch McConnell week,’ Rex Doane says in Mitch McConnell: Little Snively Punching Bag (Knobe: 2016), “but most weeks were. McConnell usually had a cut lip, bent glasses, or bandaged nose, and on a typical weekend he could be found cowering under his kitchen table when one of his classmates walked by his front yard.”
McConnell has come a long way since then, and Doane, in his detailed account, paints a portrait of a man’s journey from punching bag to the lawmaker who uses his position as leader of the United States Senate to block as much of the legislative agenda of President Barack Obama as he can. “From the time he was six years old,” Doane writes, “McConnell vowed he would reach the pinnacle of American political power and get back at all the boys (and girls) who beat him up.”
Doane suggests it was this burning desire for revenge that drove him to become president of the Student Council of Arts and Sciences when he was at the University of Louisville and then president of the Student Bar Association at the University of Kentucky College of Law.
“He wanted to be the head of everything he did,” Doane writes. “He wanted to make the rules so he could thumb his nose at the bullies that made his life a living hell when he was growing up.”
By Doane’s account, it’s that same drive that animates McConnell’s relentless obstruction of Obama’s presidency. “To McConnell, Obama is everything he never was: cool, athletic, and handsome, the guy who always got the girls,” Doane writes. “The President represented what McConnell wanted for himself, but knew he could never get.”
And thus the infamous line from McConnell, two years into Obama’s first term, about doing whatever it takes to make Obama a one-term president. “When Obama thwarted that goal by winning reelection two years later, McConnell feared he was turning back into the punching bag he was so desperate to leave behind,” Doane writes.
It’s timely that the book released just as McConnell was once again using the power of his position to try to block Obama, by telling the President to hold off nominating a Supreme Court justice to replace Antonin Scala, who passed away in mid-February. “The question now becomes, will McConnell once again be thwarted by his nemesis?” Doane writes. “The sad prospect for McConnell is, despite his rise to power, he is, and always will be, the snively little kid who everyone loves to push around. That’s his greatest fear, and that fear seems to be a reality that will follow him around for the rest of his life.”
Doane will be available to talk about his book in a live chat this month in an online forum sponsored by Knobe.
This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified) pd (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
Retiring Senator Bob Corker (R-Tenn.) says he plans to be a thorn in President Trump’s side before he votes to confirm Trump’s pick to replace retiring U.S. Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy. “Because I’m not running for reelection, I can take brave positions without repercussions at the polls, which is why I’ll make a lot of noise until I give Trump what he wants,” Corker says. Retiring Senator Jeff Flake (R-Ariz.) is in a similar position. “I have a history of standing up to Donald Trump until I sit down to vote for what he asks for,” Flake says. “I think it’s important for all of us who worry about the health of our democratic institutions to wag our finger in the president’s face before we hand him more power.” More.
Associate U.S. Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy says he’s proud of his legacy on issues of fairness to women, minorities, and the LGBQT community, which is why he’s throwing it all away by giving the Republican president and Congress the chance to choose an arch conservative for his successor. “Had I waited, Democrats might have reclaimed the Senate and forced a moderate jurist to replace me and I couldn’t have that knowing the importance of my legacy on fairness issues,” he said. “As it is, I’m almost guaranteeing my work will be undone by my replacement.” Kennedy, a libertarian-leaning jurist appointed by President Reagan in 1988, was the court’s swing vote, siding with conservatives on economic issues but showing a progressive streak by siding with liberals on social issues like abortion, gay rights, and women’s issues. More.
Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio), a former Ohio State University wrestling coach who’s been under fire since accusations emerged that athletes were groped by the team doctor and he did nothing about it, says he had no knowledge of the groping he was told about during his years there. “Had I known about the groping that the students told me about before and after practice, I would have done something,” Johnson told CNN this morning. Jordan was an assistant wrestling coach at the university from 1987 to 1995. He was elected to Congress in 2007 and has emerged as one of President Trump’s fiercest defenders. He’s being talked about as a replacement for retiring House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.). More.
Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell (R-Ky.) told members of his caucus this morning he wants to limit President Donald Trump to a single term of office so Republicans can get down to the business of passing tax reform, their party’s priority. “The single most important thng we want to achieve is for President Trump to be a one-term president,” McConnell said. The Majority Leader and Trump have had a rocky relationship from the start, but sources say the back-and-forth between the two has worsened since the Senate’s failure to repeal and replace Obamacare. “The last time the two of them talked they were shouting profanities at each other,” said one official who is familiar with the conversation. More.
President Donald Trump looked at an important piece of paper today, according to the White House, which released a photo showing the president looking at the paper in the Oval Office. “The President has a busy schedule today, starting with a photo op in which he’s looking at an important piece of paper,” White House Spokesperson Sarah Sanders Huckabee said in a statement. Huckabee wouldn’t say what was written on the paper, but she said it was “serious” and “important” but not classified and that the President looked at it with “both his eyes” while he held it in “both of his hands” because of its importance. “This was not a one-hand piece of paper,” she said. When asked whether the paper had words on it, Huckabee said it did, and that several of them were “long and important.” More.
President Donald Trump admitted today he never taped former FBI Director James Comey but he left open the possibility that he’s taping himself, although he acknowledged he’s just speculating. “I’m not saying I am taping myself but so many things are coming out of the White House, coming out of the Oval Office, that I think I could be taping myself,” he said. “I just think we’re going to be revealing some very interesting things in the months ahead. Very interesting things. You’ll be surprised, I can guarantee you that.” A White House press aide who spoke on condition of anonymity said the President’s remark “speaks for itself,” although it wasn’t clear if the President was admitting he was taping himself or whether he was being taped at his request or whether he was being taped not at his request but with his tacit agreement. “Or maybe the agreement isn’t tacit,” this aide said. “I think you ought to ask the President whether it’s tacit or not.” More.
The judge picked to replace Antonin Scalia on the nation’s highest court, Merrick Garland, couldn’t make it more clear that President Obama is intentionally trying to change the country into something most Americans wouldn’t recognize, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said yesterday. “To come forward at this time with a distinguished judge who has been praised by both Republicans and Democrats for his professionalism and meticulous respect for the law exposes Obama for what he is,” said McConnell (R-Ky.). “There should no longer be any question that Obama intends to drive his agenda as far as he can in his remaining months in office, and we need to stop that before he leaves our country permanently changed.” More.
After what they call eight years of failed American foreign policy by the Obama administration, House Republican leaders say it’s time to spin off the country’s diplomacy and statesmanship to the private sector. “The United States was built by our world-leading companies,” House Speaker Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) said at a press conference in the Capitol this morning. “The government doesn’t build Chevrolets. General Motors does. The country doesn’t make computers. Apple does. Today, it’s time to unleash our private sector on our foreign policy and do what our government has never been able to do: create peace and prosperity around the world.” Under the plan Ryan and other leaders unveiled, the heads of GM, AT&T, Citibank, and other multinational corporations would work with leaders of countries around the world to replace war with peace and confrontation with cooperation. More
Boasts and counter-boasts about who among the remaining U.S. presidential candidates has the longest fingers, and therefore the most impressive endowment, took an unexpected turn when it was revealed that Democratic nomination front-runner Hillary Clinton has the longest fingers of them all. “Donald Trump might think he has his competition beat when it comes to the length of his fingers, but he might want to get out his ruler again because no one’s got an endowment like Hillary Clinton, if the length of her fingers is any guide,” says political consultant John Mayberry, who spoke this morning on CBS News. “I think this might give us some insight into who the real man in this campaign is.” More.
New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, who withdrew from the Republican presidential nomination contest earlier this month after several lackluster finishes, announced today that he was running for vice president instead. “Donald Trump will be the presidential nominee and I intend to be by his side as vice president,” he said at his announcement, which he made with Trump by his side. “I see where things are heading with the nomination and I can serve two functions by being his vice president pick. One, I can stay in the game, which helps me, and two, I can stand as a credible, responsible partner to ease people’s minds that Trump is too unpredictable to be president, and that helps him.” More.
Starting in 2020, when U.S. currency is expected to be worthless, a woman will appear on the $10 bill, marking the first time a woman will be depicted on the country’s paper money. “This is an historic milestone for women and for the country,” U.S. Treasury Secretary Jack Lew said at an announcement yesterday. “It’s long past the time when a woman should be honored to be on what was once considered the world’s reserve currency.” Lew said it was simply a trick of fate that a woman would finally appear on U.S. currency at a time when it would be worth a fraction of what it once was. “We were not hoping a woman would appear on our currency when it was worthless,” he said. “It was not our intention.” More.
RENO, Nev.—Florida Sen. Marco Rubio, who has finished third, fifth, and second in the three presidential nominating contests so far, says he’s clearly the mainstream favorite to win the Republican nomination, and that will become clear once he wins a contest. “If there’s any doubt I am the one alternative to Donald Trump, wait until I win a primary or a caucus,” he said this morning in Nevada, which holds the next contest for Republicans. Rubio says he doesn’t expect to win in Nevada, which, if true, means he’ll have won none of the four states that vote before Super Tuesday. “But “I will win something, someday, and when I do, there will be no doubt that I can win against Hillary Clinton in November,” he says. More.
Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush said his energy level was so low by the time voting began in South Carolina that he couldn’t even bother to find his glasses after he had lost them. “What’s the point, you know?” says Bush, who dropped out of the race after the polls closed. “Why do I need to see when it’s clear no one wants to vote for me? Glasses on or off? Who the hell cares?” Bush was seen without his glasses for the last two weeks of campaigning in the state. Some analysts said he replaced his glasses with contacts to look more masculine, less bookish, but Bush says he just didn’t have the juice to look for his glasses. “They’re usually on the nightstand next to the bed.” he says. “About two weeks ago I must have left them in the bathroom, and I just didn’t have the energy to go look for them. More.
U.S. President Barack Obama said today in an interview with the foreign press that it’s been a tough seven years and he still has one more to go, but he takes comfort knowing it will soon be over and and he can go back to Kenya. “That’s what keeps me going,” he said. The first black president of the United States said adjusting to life in America has not been easy, even though he’s lived here most of his life. But he thinks he did a good job as president and would like to run for the presidency of Kenya in a few years, if the people of his native country will have him. “Winning election in Kenya is not quite as straight-forward as it is here,” he said. “Here, you give a few speeches and, if people like your style, you become well-known and then you just compete in primaries and caucuses held by the states. More.
The American Association of Game Animals released a statement today calling Antonin Scalia a “titan” of American jurisprudence, but because the Supreme Court justice, who died earlier this week, was an avid hunter, the group does not mourn his death. “Had Justice Scalia engaged in a hobby that did not involve the hunting and shooting of birds and anaimals, we would be as saddened by his death as anyone,” the group said in its statement. “But because his hobby involved the hunting and shooting of birds and animals, we instead breathe a sigh of relief that there is one less person in this country who will be coming after us with rifle in hand with the sole purpose of felling us to the ground.” More.
It’s all there. The insane general, the panicked president, the mad dash to stop the destruction, only the insane general is Sarah Palin, the Tea Party favorite who paved the way for the candidacy of Donald Trump on an unsuspecting nation, and the president is Reince Priebus, the chair of the Republican National Committee, who has been unable to stop the detonation of the Trump candidacy. A confidential memo drafted by RNC operatives and anonymously leaked to news outlets today reveals the stunning finding that the candidacy of Donald Trump was never supposed to happen. But Palin, by making political insanity the new normal for the GOP, showed The Donald the way. The result has been chaos. More.
Ammond Bundy, the leader of self-described militiamen men who have taken over the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in southeastern Oregon to protest the jailing of ranchers who set nearby land on fire, says what he and the others are doing represents America because they wear cowboy hats. “What we’re doing is right and proper because real Americans wear cowboy hats, and that’s what we’re wearing,” says Bundy, 45. Bundy says he and his men also “dress like cowboys and ride horses,” so there should be no concern among Americans that what they’re doing is wrong. More.
WASHINGTON—The Republican National Committee is sending shockwaves through the United States by releasing clearly undoctored photos of President Barack Obama romping with young, scantily clad women in the Oval Office. “It is with a heavy heart that we release these genuine and authentic photos depicting our president acting in a way that can only be described as unpresidential,” RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said at a hastily called press conference today. More.
Special to The Guardian. In a find that stunned the world of religion, archaeologists digging in a remote region of the Sinai desert discovered what is believed to be the original Holy Bible from more than 2,000 years ago with its International Standard Book Publishing (ISBN) code still intact. “This is an almost unbelievable discovery,” says Alfred Pottersmith, lead curator of Middle East artifacts at the British Museum in London. “To think we could be holding in our hands the original bible from God’s disciples is humbling beyond words.” What gives archaeologists confidence the bible is the original Word of God, first edition, is the presence of the internationally recognized 9-digit numeric commercial book identifier code known as the ISBN code. More.
Robert Plant, the golden haired and golden voiced singer for the legendary hard rock band Led Zeppelin, says in an interview on National Public Radio’s “Morning Edition” that he should have listened to his dad and become an accountant rather than leave home when he was 16 to live the rock-and-roll lifestyle. “If I were to live my life again, would I have that nasty break with my family and sing for various bands before finally joining Pagey and the others to form Led Zeppelin? I think on balance what I did was a mistake and, in retrospect, I should have listened to my dad.” More.
The English Language Institute removed “utilize” and “cleanse” from the English language today as part of the organization’s long-term plan to trim the language of unnecessary words. The words were recommended for removal by the organization’s Word Removal Committee last month and approved for elimination by the board of directors today. “We grow attached to words, so it’s never easy to say goodbye to them, even when they’re unnecessary,” says Nigel Porter, president of the English Language Institute. “But for the long-term good of our language, today’s actions were necessary and long-overdue.” According to the Institute, “utilize” has long been used as a complex variant of “use,” but it was found to have no meaning beyond “use.” More.
Saying it’s tired of sitting on the sidelines for the majority of compositions in the English language, the letter Q announced today its secession from the English alphabet and a ban on all uses of the letter Q in subsequent English compositions. The letter Q also says it’s reviewing its ties with French, German, Spanish, and other Indo-European languages, but for now, it’s willing to stay in those Latin-based languages until further notice. “For thousands of years the joke has been on the letter Q,” says the letter Q in its Declaration of Secession, delivered simultaneously to the American Library Association, the British Library, the National Library of Canada, the Oxford English Dictionary, the Webster English Dictionary, the Associated Press, and the Chicago Manual of Style. “But no more. As of today, the letter Q is not available for your use.” More.
Saying it’s impossible to be mad when you skip, United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon has called for leaders around the world to take up skipping, the “hippity-hoppity” gait that comes so naturally to children. “If you remember the last time you skipped, you will no doubt remember feeling frisky and carefree,” Ban said in a statement released today. The U.N. last week passed a referendum declaring the week of Dec. 18-25 World Skipping Week, which the international organization hopes will inspire people everywhere to skip rather than fight. More.