Ted Barnes, a misogynist who can’t bring himself to vote for former secretary of state Hillary Clinton, says he’d like to vote for Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders but he’s also an anti-semitie. “I’m really in a tough place this election,” says Barnes, 42, of Las Vegas, Nev. “The Democrats have got me so boxed in that I’m actually looking over at the Republican side to see what they offer.”
Barnes, a big union guy, says he’s a lifelong Democrat. “Who is better for the unions, Clinton or Sanders? I’m not sure,” he says. “But it doesn’t matter, because I don’t want a woman in the White House and I don’t want a Jew in the White House. I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do.”
Former Maryland Gov. Martin O’Malley, a Christian who offered a third choice between Sanders and Clinton, dropped out of the race after he received less than 1 percent of the vote in Iowa. “What the hell were those farmers thinking?” he says.
Barnes says his dilemma wouldn’t even be helped by former New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg getting into the race as an independent, because Bloomberg is also Jewish. “Agh!” he says.
There are no Jews on the Republican side and the woman who was running, Carly Fiorina, has dropped out. But Barnes says his racism keeps him from supporting the neurosurgeon Ben Carson, who is black, and his dislike of Hispanics keeps him from supporting Texas Sen. Ted Cruz and Florida Sen. Marco Rubio, both of whom are Cuban. That leaves just real estate mogul Donald Trump, former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush, and Ohio Gov. John Kasich.
“Three lousy white male Christians,” he says. “What a choice.”
This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified) pd (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
Bill Norton of Charleston, S.C., says he’d like to vote for Hillary Clinton because his anti-semitism keeps him from voting for Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders, who is Jewish, but he can’t vote for Hillary because he’s a misogynist. “The Democrats have really left me with no choice but to vote Republican or not vote at all,” says the 59-year-old machine shop supervisor. “Of course, my racism makes it impossible for me to support Ben Carson, although I like his godliness. And my dislike of other minorities keeps me from supporting Ted Cruz or Marco Rubio.” Ben Carson is the retired neurosurgeon who led polls earlier in the race but has attracted little support since voting began. More.
Boasts and counter-boasts about who among the remaining U.S. presidential candidates has the longest fingers, and therefore the most impressive endowment, took an unexpected turn when it was revealed that Democratic nomination front-runner Hillary Clinton has the longest fingers of them all. “Donald Trump might think he has his competition beat when it comes to the length of his fingers, but he might want to get out his ruler again because no one’s got an endowment like Hillary Clinton, if the length of her fingers is any guide,” says political consultant John Mayberry, who spoke this morning on CBS News. “I think this might give us some insight into who the real man in this campaign is.” More.
Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders, whose campaign for the Democratic presidential nomination got off to a big start with strong performances in Iowa and New Hampshire, says he can’t understand why voters in a southern state like South Carolina aren’t jumping at the chance to support his socialist policies. “It makes no sense to me that universal health care, free college, and reining in Wall Street aren’t polices that are resonating with southern voters,” Sanders said in remarks to The New York Times after former secretary of state Hillary Clinton trounced him in the South Carolina primary yesterday. “Hillary stands no chance of beating Donald Trump, Marco Rubio, or Ted Cruz in the South. I just don’t understand what message South Carolina voters sent yesterday by voting for a Democrat who is much more moderate than I am.” More.
RENO, Nev.—Florida Sen. Marco Rubio, who has finished third, fifth, and second in the three presidential nominating contests so far, says he’s clearly the mainstream favorite to win the Republican nomination, and that will become clear once he wins a contest. “If there’s any doubt I am the one alternative to Donald Trump, wait until I win a primary or a caucus,” he said this morning in Nevada, which holds the next contest for Republicans. Rubio says he doesn’t expect to win in Nevada, which, if true, means he’ll have won none of the four states that vote before Super Tuesday. “But “I will win something, someday, and when I do, there will be no doubt that I can win against Hillary Clinton in November,” he says. More.
After months of taking hits for not disclosing the identity of the foreign policy expert advising him, Democratic presidential contender Bernie Sanders said today his go-to person is former secretary of state Hillary Clinton. “Secretary Clinton has been an invaluable member of my team,” says Sanders, senator of Vermont who’s been surging in the polls since winning the New Hampshire primary. “She has shared her experience to help me understand the nuances of Middle East politics, South Asia power struggles, and the challenges of keeping Russian aggression in check.” More.
Hillary Clinton said she remains the overwhelming favorite to be the Democratic presidential nominee despite suffering a big loss to Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders in New Hampshire and coming in a virtual tie with him in Iowa. “Iowa and New Hampshire are very different states, and the fact that Sanders almost beat me in one and did beat me in the other means I remain well on the road to leading the Democrats in the general election against the Republicans,” Clinton said as she flew to South Carolina, which holds the next primary in about a week and a half. Barack Obama won the state when he ran against Clinton for the Democratic nomination in the 2008 election. More.
PORTSMOUTH, N.H.—In what is sure to be remembered as an iconic moment of the 2016 presidential campaign, Hillary Clinton, the former first lady and secretary of state, stood on the steps of the Rockingham County courthouse before several dozen people and said, “I have a pipe dream.” Despite the cold and a fussy baby who kept throwing an object out of her carriage, Clinton challenged the nation to set aside its differences and let her enact her five-point plan to “take the United States to the next level” as the country’s president. “Point one, we need to lower the cost of college,” she said. “Point two, hard-working families need affordable day care. Point three, we must protect and build on Obamacare, not dismantle it and start from scratch. More.
A trove of pictures showing a shirtless Bernie Sanders on the beach are making the rounds online, giving the 75-year-old Democratic nomination contender a big lift in the polls, especially in the key battleground state of Florida. And the Hillary Clinton campaign is crying foul. “We didn’t think Sanders would stoop so low to pull away older women voters who’ve always been among Hillary Clinton’s core supporters, but he did, and we’re calling him out on it,” says Meg Smith, the Clinton campaign’s Florida coordinator. “Bernie, put your shirt back on!” More.
U.S. President Barack Obama said today in an interview with the foreign press that it’s been a tough seven years and he still has one more to go, but he takes comfort knowing it will soon be over and and he can go back to Kenya. “That’s what keeps me going,” he said. The first black president of the United States said adjusting to life in America has not been easy, even though he’s lived here most of his life. But he thinks he did a good job as president and would like to run for the presidency of Kenya in a few years, if the people of his native country will have him. “Winning election in Kenya is not quite as straight-forward as it is here,” he said. “Here, you give a few speeches and, if people like your style, you become well-known and then you just compete in primaries and caucuses held by the states. More.
DAVENPORT, Iowa—Following on the heels of the endorsement by dead American icon John Wayne, the late great actor and gun-rights activist Charlton Heston today endorsed the Republican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump. As with the Wayne endorsement, the announcement was made by the actor’s daughter on behalf of her dead father. “I’m sorry my dad couldn’t be here in person, but I know in my heart that he would want to endorse Donald Trump for president,” said Janet Smith-Heston at a news conference here. More.
LONDON—After a raucous parliamentary debate, members of the House of Commons voted to allow the combover of Donald Trump into Great Britain, should he be elected president of the United States, but Trump himself was not welcome. “We do not want to hold Donald Trump’s bigotry and nativism against his hair,” said Gavin Blair, an MP from the southwest district of London. Nigel Robinson, an MP from Birmingham, argued that the hair should be banned as well, but his argument left many unconvinced. “I made my case and I lost, and I accept that,” he said. “But I do believe his hair should not be allowed to get off scot free in this debate. My apologies to the Scots, who I hope won’t try to secede again.” More.
Marla Maples, the former wife of Republican presidential nomination frontrunner Donald Trump, says her former husband is endowed with wealth and a go-getter personality, but he is not well-endowed in the one aspect of his life he would like to be, and she thinks that this inadequacy is driving his presidential run. “Do I think he feels small in that respect?” asked the one-time actress who was Trump’s wife from 1993 to 1997 and was known as the “other woman” when Trump was married to Ivana Trump. They had one daughter between them, Tiffany Trump, who today is known for her enthusiastic use of Instagram. More.
WASHINGTON—The Republican National Committee is sending shockwaves through the United States by releasing clearly undoctored photos of President Barack Obama romping with young, scantily clad women in the Oval Office. “It is with a heavy heart that we release these genuine and authentic photos depicting our president acting in a way that can only be described as unpresidential,” RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said at a hastily called press conference today. More.
SIMI VALLEY, Calif.—Republican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump said last night he would name New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady his pick for vice president once he wins the nomination. “It’s going to take winners to turn this country around and Tom Brady is a winner, like me,” said Trump, who spoke shortly after the second Republican presidential nomination debate, hosted by CNN in this southern California suburban community. “Tom Brady wins on the football field and he wins in the court of law. I win in business and I win in politics. Together, we are a couple of winners and we’re going to make America a winner again.” Brady, a four-time Super Bowl champion as the quarterback of the Patriots, said he was humbled by the confidence Trump has placed in him but he also believes he can bring “a couple of tricks to the game” that will help him and Trump win in November and also help the United States win in the four years they’re in office. More.
Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology released a paper yesterday cracking the physics behind the combover of Republican presidential nominee frontrunner Donald Trump and say the famous hairstyle stands as one of the most complex creations of mankind. “An amazing piece of work, a testament to the beauty of complex systems and of the world around us,” says Reynolds Aimsworth, professor of physics and mathematics at MIT and the lead author of the paper. Aimsworth says the combover is based on an inversion of a positive tangent-secant radian, something scientists didn’t believe was possible.” More.
Leading Republican presidential contender Donald Trump says he has the experience losing stockholders’ money to help the United States navigate the difficult world it faces as it transitions from being the world’s largest and most important economy to one that’s unable to fund basic services, repair its infrastructure, or educate its children beyond bible teachings. “What do you need when you enter bankruptcy?” Trump asked an audience of several thousand at a campaign stop in Ames, Iowa. “You need someone who knows how to get the best deal out of it, and no one knows how to get a better deal out of bankruptcy than me.” Trump told the crowd that he’s filed bankruptcy “more than anyone else in the world” and always comes out of the deal “with millions of dollars—millions!” while his creditors come out with “property that no one wants.” More.
The race for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination is up for grabs, with several serious candidates already declared or about to declare their candidacies. But is it really as wide open as many believe? In fact, behind closed doors, analysts say Florida Senator Marco Rubio has already locked up the nomination—for four unbeatable reasons. More.