John Kasich? We Were Voting for His Wife, Voters Say

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Kathy Kasich

John Kasich finally broke through the crowd in the Republican presidential race earlier this week with his second-place finish in New Hampshire, but a detailed look at exit polls shows that it’s his wife, Kathy, that voters want in the White House.

“John Kasich is okay, I think, especially given the rest of the GOP crowd, but his wife, now she’s a person that would make a great president,” says Jane Reynolds, a school teacher in Portsmouth, N.H. “Smart, articulate, and knows the business world—yep, she has it all. And she’s better looking than that woman who just dropped out. Carla Farina? Cari Ferraro? I can never remember her name.”

“Can I look at Kathy Kasich for the next four years on nightly television as our First Lady?” asks Bill Jones, a retired engineer. “I can. That’s not something you can say about some of the other would-be first ladies, not that I would mention names. Although I hear Trump’s wife was a model. That would be good. And Rubio’s wife was a cheerleader for the Dolphins. How awesome would that be? Still, they’re not Kathy Kasich.”

Kathy Waldbillig Kasich, 51, was vice president of GSW Worldwide, a healthcare marketing agency, before she retired to focus her attention on being First Lady of Ohio. She’s an avid runner and supports multiple charitable causes. And she’s largely why people vote for her husband.

“John Kasich always balances the budget and he’s the reason the state has a top bond rating,” says George Morrison of Cleveland. “And he tries to be inclusive in the way he governs. That’s all well and good. But let’s not kid ourselves. He’s not Kathy Kasich.”

That’s something Hillary Clinton appears to understand well. “I wake up every morning and say to myself, ‘ Even Bill wouldn’t want to run against Kathy Kasich.'”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified) pd (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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