Trump Insists His Bluster Machine Still Works

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‘I’m not done blustering yet!’

PORTSMOUTH, N.H.—One-time Republican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump says his second-place finish in Iowa doesn’t mean his bluster machine is unable to deliver votes, and in fact he expects to be in full bluster mode in the days leading up to New Hampshire, which votes next week.

“Yes, the constitutionally ineligible Ted Cruz got more caucus votes than I did in the farm state, but we all know the real votes are in primaries and New Hampshire is primary state number one, just like I’m presidential candidate number one,” Trump said here yesterday.

Earlier this week in Iowa, polls had shown Trump leading the Republican field going into the state but actual voting didn’t http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B012MVDFVA/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B012MVDFVA&linkCode=as2&tag=daily031-20&linkId=WRRNRGOVGVPPPSAT reflect that. Voters turned out more for Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas than they did for Trump. And Florida Sen. Marco Rubio received almost as many votes as Trump.

Trump says he expects to up his bluster output once he unwinds from Iowa. “God took a day off, too, you know,” he says. “I know the religious people appreciate it when you bring in the bible. He worked for six days and then He took Sunday off. And by the way, http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B015V28E7W/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B015V28E7W&linkCode=as2&tag=daily031-20&linkId=UGYJWHSF6ZVVESHI there aren’t as many religious people in New Hampshire as there are in Iowa. There are a lot of libertarians. So, it’ll be good when I get more votes than Rand Paul. He should win New Hampshire, you know. But he won’t. It’ll be such big news when I win. People will be saying, ‘Rand Paul should have won because he’s the libertarian. He’s the live-free-or-die guy,’ but I’ll win and people will see what a huge upset this is. Most of the candidates will be gone by the time New Hampshire’s over. Believe me. It’ll be a much smaller field. and I’ll be standing tall, just like my buildings.”

Polls show Trump’s support has softened since Iowa, making New Hampshire more competitive than analysts thought it would be. But Trump says he’ll prove the “moron analysts” wrong.

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified) mv and mn (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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