Republican presidential nomination frontrunner Donald Trump said last night in the latest national primary debate that he is the biggest asshole among contenders to lead the United States. But Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas), who has been closing in on Trump in many national polls, said that he’s the biggest asshole.
“You’re the loudest, Donald, but when it comes to promoting policies that marginalize the most people and give the greatest advantage to wealthy white people, I think I can say I have a record of accomplishment on that,” Cruz said last night in one of the largest applaud lines of the night.
Trump said he’s been an asshole from the first day of his campaign, which is why he’s been leading the polls for so long. “My support is huge,” he said. “It’s fantastic, because Americans know a real asshole when they see one. As a privileged man who was handed the keys to a million-dollar business, with all its connections and networks already established, is there anyone on this stage who is a bigger asshole? No, of course not.”
Trump said later that Canadians are too nice to be real American assholes, so that should disqualify Cruz right there. “It’s not enough to be a naturalized asshole,” he said to Cruz, who was born in Canada to an American mother and a Cuban father.
Other contenders last night tried to claim the asshole mantle, but their attempts fell largely flat. Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.), who many analysts say is the most likely candidate to represent the establishment wing of the party after the voting begins, tried to play up how much of an asshole he is, but viewers after the debate said he didn’t seem authentic when he did that. “A lot of his policies favor wealthy whites and punish people who are struggling, so his policies are in the right place,” said one viewer from Ames, Iowa. “But he had trouble projecting that in the debate.”
Efforts by former Florida governor Jeb Bush to push his asshole bona fides also didn’t resonate with viewers. “Jeb Bush is not an asshole, as much as he wants to be,” said one viewer from Charleston, S.C.
The only other candidate who came close to matching Trump and Cruz in how much of an asshole he is was New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, who talked about how he closed the main bridge into New York City as political payback. “Only a real asshole would do that,” he said, generating a lot of applause from the audience. “I don’t just talk the talk; I walk the walk.”
This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): mv and gs (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
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