Marla Maples: Despite Family Wealth, Donald Trump Is Not Well-Endowed

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Donald_Trump_at_Citizens_United_Freedom_Summit_2015#/media/File:Donald_Trump_Sr._at_Citizens_United_Freedom_Summit_in_Greenville_South_Carolina_May_2015_by_Michael_Vadon_03.jpg

My endowment is HUGE

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Marla_Maples#/media/File:Marla_Maples_LF_crop.jpg https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Living_Room_of_Arabella_On_Boossa.jpg

Maples

Marla Maples, the former wife of Republican presidential nomination frontrunner Donald Trump, says her former husband is endowed with wealth and a go-getter personality, but he is not well-endowed in the one aspect of his life he would like to be, and she thinks that this inadequacy is driving his presidential run.

“Do I think he feels small in that respect?” asked the one-time actress who was Trump’s wife from 1993 to 1997 and was known as the “other woman” when Trump was married to Ivana Trump. They had one daughter between them, Tiffany Trump, who today is known for her enthusiastic use of Instagram. “I do think he feels inadquate. Why would he want to run for president if he didn’t feel inadequate? Any man who is well-endowed does not feel the need to be in the public spotlight so much. He certainly doesn’t feel the need to put others down in public—you know, take someone down as a way to build himself up.”

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Donald_Trump#/media/File:Trump_and_Rodman_2009.jpg

Two well-endowed dudes?

Maples wouldn’t describe in concrete terms the size of Trump’s endowment, but she says it’s nothing like his outsized personality. “His personality is huge,” she says. “His ego is huge. But his endowment? Hah-hah!”

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Maples says this fixation of her ex-husband is behind his obsession with the physical issues of others. “People have commented on his remarks about Carly Fiorina’s face, Megyn Kelly’s blood, Marco Rubio’s sweat, Hillary Clinton’s bathroom habits, and Jeb Bush’s lack of energy. Would he focus on these things if he were happy with his endowment? Hardly!”

She also says he would cut off his famous combover tomorrow if he were well-endowed, but since he’s not, he’s trying to compensate by pretending he has a full head of hair. “He’s also pretty funny looking as a dome-top,” she says. “Believe me, I know!”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): mv, lf, and rg (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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ka-am The erudite George Will, who has been writing about Republican politics since the mid-1970s and who declared this year he was no longer a Republican because of Donald Trump, says it’s bitter to learn he has no influence over people who vote Republican no matter how much ink is spilled or how many trees are killed to put his words into print. “After some 40 years as a political thought leader, I cannot say that anything I say has any influence on anyone at any time or in any place,” he says. “I guess that makes me a . . . nothing, because the whole rationale for my professional existence is to shape Republican attitudes and policy, and I see now that I have less influence than a truck mechanic I met in in Altoona, Pa., who persuaded his wife to vote for Donald Trump.” More.

Trump Thanks Hillary For Conceding; Says He Wouldn’t Have Done the Same

twPresident-elect Donald Trump said he appreciates the gracious concession call he received from his Democratic opponent, Hillary Clinton, after the results of their bitter presidential contest were finalized. But he also said he wouldn’t have extended the same courtesy to her had he won the popular vote but lost the electoral college the way she did. “’What a rigged system!’ is how I would have put it,” Trump said in an interview on Fox News this morning. “To win more votes than the other candidate and still lose the election? Of course I would have accused the system of being rigged. Who wouldn’t? Hillary Clinton wouldn’t, that’s who. And I appreciate that.” More.

Alex Jones: ‘Probably Nothing to the Huma Emails’

ComeyAlex Jones, the far-right conspirator who has used his show, Infowars, to stoke mistrust in Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton, said on his radio show this morning there’s probably nothing of interest in the the emails found on devices belonging to Clinton aide Huma Abedin and her estranged husband, disgraced former congressman Anthony Weiner. “It would be nice to sit here and say these emails will finally explode the presidential campaign of crooked Hillary Clinton, but they probably don’t amount to anything,” said Jones, an influential voice in the so-called “Alt-Right” fringe movement. “I think a lot of the emails are duplicates of what the FBI has already looked at in its investigation of whether Clinton criminally mishandled classified emails while she was secretary of state. More.

Trump’s Unpopularity Creates Opening for Libertarians, Who Decide to Stick With Gary Johnson Anyway

gj The historic unpopularity of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has motivated many voters to give Libertarians a fresh look, but, even so, the Libertarian party says it will stick with Gary Johnson as its nominee. “You know, when we nominated Gary to be our standard bearer, we really didn’t expect many people to consider voting for us,” says Nicholas Sarwark, chair of the Libertarian party in the United States. “Few Americans have really given our party much thought in the past and we thought, what the heck? Why not nominate Gary? Who knew this could have been our breakout year! But that’s okay. We’re going to stick with our guy.” Had the party nominated someone who wasn’t as weird as Johnson, political analysts say, Libertarians could be enjoying their best year ever at the polls, because voters are hungry for an alternative, especially on the Republican side, which on economic matters is ideologically closer to Libertarians that the Democrats. More.

Ayn Rand, Back from the Dead, Calls Americans Ninnies for Threatening Election Violence Rather Than Going Away to Build Utopia in the Rockies

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Ayn Rand, the objectivist guru who helped launch the Libertarian movement and serves as inspiration for those in the tea party and others who believe Americans should be self reliant rather than live under the yoke of a paternalistic government, came back from the dead today to tell Americans supporting Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump that they’re “ninnies” for questioning the legitimacy of the election. “If you read Atlas Shrugged all the way through, you know objectivism isn’t about violence and questioning the vote; it’s about withdrawing from the hopeless liberal society and building a utopia in Colorado,” said Rand, who spoke to reporters and a small crowd of people outside Trump Tower in New York City. More.

Election Results Just Starting Point For Negotiations, Trump Says

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Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump says he can’t promise to accept the outcome of the election ahead of time because doing so will weaken his negotiating hand should he come up short on November 8. “Any good businessman will tell you not to give away your strongest hand if you want to win a negotiation,”Trump said at a rally today in Altoona, Pa. “My strongest hand is the threat of violence and mayhem from my supporters should I not win at the polls. It’s very important I keep that ace up my sleeve, because without it, there’s nothing to negotiate.” Trump said anything can be negotiated, even elections. “The will of the people sounds high and mighty, but you can’t put together a deal if you say upfront you’ll abide by whatever voters want,” he said. “Think about it. If you say you’ll accept the election outcome, then what’s left to negotiate if you come up short? Nothing. That’s why I have to keep the country in suspense. Without the threat of violence and mayhem from my supporters I’ve got nothing to use as leverage after the votes are counted.” More.

Trump’s Plan to Destroy His Brand Equity Is Ahead of Schedule

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With millions of people around the world refusing to spend money at his name-branded hotels, resorts, and condominium buildings in protest of his racism, bigotry, and misogyny, Donald Trump says his plan to destroy the value of the Trump name is going better than he anticipated. “We’re destroying our brand equity like no one else in history,” Trump said at a rally in Altoona, Pa., this morning. “We have millions of people—millions!—who won’t spend a dime at any Trump hotel anywhere. It’s amazing. There’s never been a faster loss of equity by any company in any country.” How much of his personal wealth is being impacted by this unprecedented loss of value isn’t clear, since Trump, the Republican nominee for president of the United States, hasn’t released his tax returns. But accountants and other financial experts say he could be losing $1 million a day as people stop spending money at Trump properties or buy Trump products. “If his plan was to lose $1 million a day, he’s succeeded at an amazing pace,” says Stuart Nessing, an accountiant with Billings, Stone & Reynolds in New York City. More.

Americans thank Donald Trump for breaking last remaining bond of trust they have with one another by discrediting electoral process

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Americans around the country credit Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump for destroying the last vestige of unity in the country by delegitimizing the election before it’s held. “I was afraid out country was going to have one last remaining value we all share—the belief in the integrity of our elections—but luckily he took care of that,” says Jessica Harris, a retired school teacher in Ames, Iowa. “I like that our country is divided by guns, homosexuality, abortion, race, religion, and size of government, but it always bothered me that we shared a common belief in the validity of our elections,” says Todd Lorton, a warehouse supervisor in Lansing, Mich. “Now we can add that to the list of things that divide us. Thank you, Donald Trump.” More.

Presidential Candidate Takes United States Hostage

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The richest and most powerful country on earth was taken hostage today by a candidate for its presidency who demanded to be elected or he’ll “take the whole country down” with him. “I don’t lose!” said the candidate, Donald Trump, the Republican nominee. “I can only lose if the election is rigged. And if it’s rigged . . . well, we have Second Amendment solutions to that.” Trump, who is running against Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton, said he will “destroy the legitimacy of our democracy” and sow “distrust of all our institutions” if more people vote for Clinton than for him. “I will disregard the work of past generations of Americans who fought and died to build the world’s oldest and most stable democracy and plunge it into anarchy and despair,” he said. “My opponent will forever be tarred as an unfairly elected president. Millions of Americans will join me and together we will make America great—as we make governing it impossible.” More.

Grand Old Paranoids or Grand Old Predators? GOP Deadlocked On New Name

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WASHINGTON—Top Republican officials at an emergency meeting here today are deadlocked on whether to change the definition of “GOP” from “Grand Old Party” to either “Grand Old Paranoids” or “Grand Old Predators” based on the governing philosophy of the person at the top of the Republican ticket: Donald Trump. “It’s probably the most conflicted I’ve seen our committee leaders,” said one party official who spoke on the condition of anonymity so he could talk frankly about internal policy deliberations. “On the one hand, we really are becoming the Grand Old Paranoids party, since all of Trump’s closest advisors are from the Breitbart-Info Wars wing of the party. On the other hand, Trump is clearly the leader of the Grand Old Predators wing of the party. So, you couldn’t have a more evenly divided committee.” More.

Perverts Find a Champion in Donald Trump

loomWhether he wins or loses in November, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has one constituency that will always stand by his side: America’s perverts, arguably the most maligned group of people in the country. “No one has ever spoken to our issues, but now we have a candidate who understands us and who clearly will be a force for breaking down the barriers that stand between us and the rest of the country,” says Andy P., a pervert who asked that his full name not be used to protect his privacy. Andy P, and others like him say no politician has ever before been sympathetic to people who lurk in the shadows, peep into windows, rub against women on subways, and grab their p*****s without their consent. More.

Man Seen Stalking Presidential Candidate on Stage

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As Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton participated in a town hall-styled debate in St. Louis on Sunday, a man was seen prowling behind her on stage, making menacing faces and at times standing intimidatingly close to her. St. Louis police say they have looked into the matter and found no evidence a man was stalking Clinton, the first woman to head a major party presidential ticket in the United States. The only person confirmed to be sharing the stage with Clinton that night, they said, was her Republican opponent, Donald Trump. “We had many reports from people in the audience and also from people calling in while viewing the debate at home that a man was seen prowling around on the stage behind Clinton, but at this time the only man we can say with 100 percent certainty was on the stage that night was Donald Trump.” More.

Despite His Criminality and Sexual Assault Bragging, He’s Not a Mexican Criminal or Rapist, Trump Says

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Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump says he shouldn’t be mistaken for a Mexican, because although his university and foundation are under criminal investigation, his type of criminality is different from a Mexican’s. The same goes for the revelation that he’s a man who sexually assaults women. Although he kisses and grabs women without waiting for their consent, he isn’t a Mexican rapist because he’s a celebrity and the women let him do it. “Hillary Clinton and her slimy rapist husband Bill Clinton are trying to make people believe I’m Mexican because of the criminality of my operations and my history of assaulting and abusing women,” he said today. “But I’m not, and these attacks are part of the rigged election. I can guarantee you, my supporters are going to use their Second Amendment freedom to protest this rigged election when I lose because of Hillary’s cheating.” More.

Trump: ‘I Grab People’s Credulity. When You’re a Star, They Let You Do That’

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A new scandal erupted this morning when a tape was discovered of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump talking candidly several years ago about grabbing people’s “credulity” and getting away with it because he’s a star. “You know, It’s like a magnet. I don’t even wait. Grab their credulity. You can do anything,” Trump was heard saying to Fox News host Sean Hannity, unaware that his microphone was live. “And when you’re a star, they let you do it.” The comments, although several years old, caused a firestorm because it feeds into the view that Trump doesn’t respect the people who support him. “Donald Trump should leave the race,” said former Utah governor and presidential candidate Jon Huntsman. “The time has come for the Republican ticket to be led by Mike Pence, who doesn’t believe in evolution and wants to force women who have a legal abortion to hold a funeral for her unborn child.” More.

Kaine: ‘Yappiness in the Pursuit of Truth is No Vice’

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Democratic vice presidential nominee Tim Kaine defended the yappy dog approach he took during his live TV debate this week with Mike Pence, his Republican counterpart from Indiana, by saying it was a necessary tactic to keep the focus on the lies of Donald Trump. “Would I have preferred to come across as a Great Dane or a German Shepherd? Of course,” he said after the debate Tuesday night at Longwood University in Virginia. “But the moment didn’t call for stature, for dignity. The moment called for irritation, for annoyance. So I did what I had to do and I’m proud of the yips I got in. I’m proud of the yaps I got in. And I will go on yipping and yapping until people know the truth about Donald Trump.” More.

‘It’s Be Nice If People Would Pay Their Taxes So We Can Fix Our Third-World Infrastructure’

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Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump lashed out at cheats who don’t pay their taxes because they’re robbing the United States of the means to repair its crumbling infrastructure. “Our airports, they’re like third-world airports,” he said at at a rally in Altoona, Pa., this morning. “You go to Dubai, you go to China, and they have these sparkling new airports. They’re beautiful. Then you go to Newark and you’re like in a third-world country. But we can’t fix anything because no one pays their taxes. You have tax dodgers using the loopholes. We’ve got to run our country like a business. People need to pay their taxes because we have to pay for our military. We have to fix our airports. How can we do any of these things if we don’t have any money?” Trump said people who hire teams of lawyers and accountants to dig up loopholes are not good Americans.”You’ve got these rich guys paying thousands of dollars to avoid paying taxes, so who ends up paying the taxes? The little guy. More.

Five Other Things Trump Chose Not to Say During First Debate

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Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said he took the high road by not saying anything about Bill Clinton’s infidelities during his first debate with Hillary Clinton at Hofstra University. He elected to hold back in part because Chelsea Clinton, the daughter of Bill and Hillary Clinton, was in the audience, he said. Here are five other things he could have said but didn’t because he elected to take the high road: 1. Unlike Ivanka, Chelsea is not a daughter he would want to date. She simply doesn’t have it in the looks department. Figure’s not as good. Face isn’t as pretty. No, he would definitely not take her out on a date. More.

‘Nice Pantsuit!’ Trump Tells Angela Merkel in Late-Night Tweetstorm

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Not waiting to get into the White House to exercise his unique brand of Twitter diplomacy, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump late last night wondered aloud if Germany’s chancellor, Angela Merkel, and his Democratic opponent, Hillary Clinton, get their pantsuit ideas from the same JC Penney catalog. “I notice it’s not a catalogue Melania has laying around on her nightstand,” he said. “Maybe there’s a reason for that. Does Victoria Secret make sizes big enough for them? I doubt it!” He also called North Korea’s launch of a ballistic missile from a submarine two weeks ago a “pathetic” attempt to be relevant in the global arena and said it makes the country’s leader, Kim Jong-un, look “small and sad.” Trump also revisited one of his favorite topics about China—its currency manipulation—by condemning the International Monetary Fund for adding the Yuan to its list of reserve currencies. “Just like it manipulates its currency, China has manipulated the losers at the IMF,” he said. More.

Bill’s Infidelities Disqualify Hillary for Office, Voters Say

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A poll conducted shortly after the first presidential debate between Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump at Hofstra University shows voters overwhelmingly believe the Democratic nominee is unqualified for the presidency because her husband, former president Bill Clinton, cheated on her. “How many affairs did Bill Clinton have? Four? Five?” says Greg Newsome, a warehouse supervisor in Harrisburg, Pa. “And she wants to be president? I just don’t see how she can be our leader if her husband had affairs with other women.” Many voters say they’re disappointed Trump held back from bringing up Bill Clinton’s affairs during the first debate. “If there’s a nuclear emergency at 3 a.m., how will Hillary make the right decision if her husband couldn’t keep his pants on when he was younger?” says Ann Burton, a retired school teacher in Springfield, Mo. More.

Voter, His Money Lost to a Trump Scam, Says Crooked Hillary Should Go to Prison

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Hank Galloway, a retired stockroom supervisor who lost about $16,000 when he invested in a Trump resort that was never built, says Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton is a corrupt politician who stole plateware from the White House and should be sent to prison and he wouldn’t mind if she were on the target side of a bullet, either. “That was a good chunk of my life’s savings that I lost in that Trump project,” says Galloway, 69. “If Crooked Hillary doesn’t go to jail instead of the White House, it’s because we’re letting terrorists laugh up their sleeve at our country and giving good-paying jobs to Mexicans who think life in America is one long siesta.” Galloway says he also tried to learn how to become a real estate investor by taking classes at Trump University, but he didn’t learn anything except that he should invest money in Trump projects, which he did. “It’s these regulations that the Socialists in Congress impose on business that’s strangling this country,” he says. More.

House Republicans, Looking to Get ‘Jump Start,’ Begin Impeachment of Hillary Clinton

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Speaker of the House Paul Ryan (R-Wis.) says he has asked Rep. Trey Gowdy (R-S.C) to start the process of impeaching Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton even though she hasn’t won the presidency yet because waiting could enable her to govern should she win more votes in November than her Republican rival Donald Trump. “I acknowledge it’s unprecedented to start impeaching a president before the president is elected, but we live in unprecedented times and we must act to protect the American people before a president commits an impeachable act that we know the president will commit,” says Ryan, who made his announcement at the Capitol this morning. More.

Their Souls Sold, Christie, Gingrich, Giuliani Line Up to Collect Cabinet Posts

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With Donald Trump nearing the presidency, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie, former New York City Mayor Rudy Giuliani, and former House Speaker Newt Gingrich have lined up to collect the cabinet posts for which they’ve sold their souls, and there’s disagreement over how the spoils should be divided up. Christie says he should be given the Attorney General post, but Gingrich says he wouldn’t mind having that. Giuliani says he could take that post, too. Giuliani says he’d also like to have Secretary of Defense, and Gingrich says he’d be okay with that if he can have Secretary of State. “I have the stature for it,” Gingrich says. Plus, it would put him fourth in line for the presidency should Trump get food poisoning at one of his hotel restaurants and die. More.

Trump Proclaims Obama American Born, Says He Can Serve Out His Term

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Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump said he has decided President Barack Obama was born in the United States and therefore he is entitled to serve out his term, which ends in January 2017. “I have finished it,” Trump said of the so-called birther issue, which refers to theories on the Internet that Obama, whose father was Kenyan, was born in another country. “President Barack Obama was born in the United States. Period.” On hearing the news, many Americans across the country breathed a sigh of relief. “I was so worried that our president was illegitimate,” says Nancy Carpenter, 68, a retired office assistant in Ames, Iowa. “I wish Donald Trump would have proclaimed Obama American-born before this, but better late than never, I guess.” More.

Russia Looking For Ideas On Who to Hack Next

fbThe Democratic National Committee has been hacked. Colin Powell has been hacked. The NSA has been hacked. The American Olympic Committee has been hacked. So many opportunities. So many directions. When you can get into any email you want, whose email do you get into next? That’s the question Russia’s state-supported hackers have been asking themselves and now they want to get your input. In a first for Russia’s hackers, they’ve put out a call on their Facebook page to get ideas from you on whose lives they should turn upside down next. “Tom Brady? Beyonce? Barbra Streisand? It’s just so hard to know,” said the group, which calls itself Анонимный, or “anonymous” in Russian. “It’s impossible to keep up with who’s trending. “Drake is big. But you already know what his emails are going to say. There has to be a surprise factor.” More.

Trump Says His Dictatorship Will Be Benevolent

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Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump acknowledged he plans to govern as a dictator but he wanted to reassure voters that he would make decisions in the interests of the country. “When I curb the press, it wont be to hurt America, it will be to make America stronger,” he said. “If I let the press criticize everything I do—and they will, because they’re totally dishonest—I can’t get anything done. I want to get things done, so I have to curb the press. But we’ll still have some free press. We’ll keep the good ones. It won’t be entirely gone.” Trump promised to take a firmer hand on how cases get settled in the courts. “Right now our courts are a disaster,” he said. “We have cases backlogged. Why do we use juries as much as we do? Especially if the person is guilty. Let’s get these guilty criminals directly into jail and save he courts for when we really need them.” More.

Trump Says He’ll Let Mexican First Lady Angélica Rivera Into U.S.

commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Angelica_Rivera.jpgRepublican presidential nominee Donald Trump, fresh from his dramatic trip to Mexico to discuss immigration policy, said he would allow Angélica Rivera, the wife of Mexican president Enrique Peña Nieto, into the country if she wants to come. “We would make an exception for her, absolutely, and I told her that when I was in Mexico,” Trump said at a campaign stop in Albuquerque, N.M. “I told her I’ll have a car ready for her anytime she wants to come. She has my number. She said she’d like to see Trump Tower. I said I’d like to show it to her.” Rivera, 47, an actress and model before she became Mexico’s First Lady, was born in Mexico City. She has been married to Peña Nieto since 2010. Trump’s trip to Mexico has generated a considerable amount of analysis. In Mexico, he appeared to take a conciliatory approach to the country, but that appeared to change in a major address he gave in Phoenix that night. More.

Katrina Pierson: ‘Kellyanne Conway Is Not a Better Liar Than I Am’

kpkc Katrina Pierson, the spokesperson for Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, said this morning that she’s a better liar than new campaign manager Kellyanne Conway and that there’s no truth to the rumor that Conway is doing most of the TV appearances these days because Trump is unhappy with how well Pierson is lying. “I know people like to spread the lie that somehow Kellyanne is a better liar than I am, but that is an outright lie and I can say in all honesty I am the better liar and Donald Trump has said he truthfully believes I’m a better liar,” said Pierson, who has been Trump’s chief spokesperson since early last year, when the real estate mogul announced his candidacy. More.

How Weiner’s Sexting Proves Huma Is a Spy and Their Marriage Is a Front

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A classifed CIA memo says the marriage between former New York congressman Anthony Weiner and Hillary Clinton aide Huma Abedin is a front to enable Abedin to spy at the highest levels of the United States government. “The family of Huma Abedin has long-time ties to the Muslim Brotherhood and Huma herself has deep ties to the organization, which the United States State Department recognizes as a terrorist organization,” says the memo, a copy of which was provided to The Guardian of London. The memo claims the marriage between Abedin and Weiner was arranged to give Abedin access to both Congress and the White House. “As the wife of a congressman, Abedin was put in touch with lawmakers at Capitol Hill social functions, both formal and informal, and enabled her to acquire intelligence through talks with lawmakers and their spouses,” the memo says. More.

Trump Reportedly Endorsed by American Association of Conspiracy Theorists

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Unverified news reports say Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump has been endorsed by the American Association of Conspiracy Theorists (AACT). If true, Trump would be the first presidential candidate to receive the group’s endorsement since Richard Nixon was reportedly endorsed by the group in 1968. “We need a president who won’t be caught sleeping when dark forces around the world align to do harm to the United States,” says a statement attributed to the group, which is said to have been created in 1960, the year the American U2 spy plane was shot down by the Soviet Union during a deep penetration overflight. “I have reason to believe the group is endorsing Trump and I have reason to believe that’s a good thing,” says Alex Jones, host of The Alex Jones Show on Genesis Communications Network and operator of InfoWars, PrisonPlanet, and other websites popular with Americans concerned about the growing number of plots against the United States. More.

Rush Limbaugh to Glenn Beck: ‘You Don’t Exist to Me Anymore’

spltRight-wing radio commentator Rush Limbaugh says he loves Glenn Beck, his fellow conservative talker, but his refusal to back Donald Trump for president is just a total bitch slap. “All the times I was there for him, and this is the thanks I get,” Limbaugh said of Beck on his popular radio show today. “When the lefties were calling him a Nazi, I stood up for him. When they were accusing him of being a deranged conspiracist, I had his back. Now when we’re so close to getting Hillary Clinton put into jail, he goes wobbly and says he can’t support Donald Trump because he’s not a true conservative. Oh, aren’t you just so high minded? Are your hemorrhoids bothering you or is that really a stick up your you-know-what?” More.

David Hume to Donald Trump: ‘I was only kidding about preferring the destruction of the world to the scratching of my finger’

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The brilliant Scottish philosopher David Hume, whose Treatise of Human Nature in 1739 turned the world of moral philosophy upside down and spurred Immanuel Kant to write his momentous critical philosophy in response, arose from the dead today to tell Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump that he was only kidding when he said it’s perfectly reasonable for someone to prefer the destruction of the world to the scratching of one’s finger “Donald, when I wrote my Treatise I was only 23 years old and was a little full of myself at the time,” said Hume, who died in 1776 at the age of 65. “It was my view, as a brash young man looking to make a name for himself, that reason is the slave of emotions and our moral views are based on our passions, not on our reason. That’s why I said—I’m not sure of the exact words, but it was something like, ‘It is not contrary to reason to prefer the destruction of the whole world to the scratching of my finger.’ More.

GOP Calls in Palin, Bachmann to Lend Gravitas to Weakening Trump Campaign

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Worried that Donald Trump’s focus on score-settling and conspiracy mongering is dooming Republicans’ chance of winning the White House, GOP leaders have asked party heavyweights Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann to help right the listing campaign. “Trump will be a good president because he understands the needs of hurting Americans, but we first need to win the presidency and we think that requires adding some intellectual heft to his campaign team,” says Reince Priebus, the Republican National Committee chair. “We are pleased to announce that two of our party’s most well-respected thought leaders, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and former Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, have agreed to return to the political fray on behalf of our nominee for president.” Palin, tapped to be the running mate of Sen. John McCain of Arizona when he was the Republican presidential nominee in 2008, is expected to bring considerable policy heft to the Trump effort. More.

Donald Trump’s Mouth Caught Talking Without His Brain Again

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The mouth of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump was caught talking without the candidate’s brain at a rally in Altoona, Pa., today, marking the seventh time in the last day and a half that unsupervised words from the candidate’s mouth were allowed into the world. “The only way we could lose, in my opinion—I really mean this, Pennsylvania—is if cheating goes on,” Trump said at the rally. Trump, who is down in the polls in this and other battleground states, has started letting his mouth talk without restraint about cheating and rigged elections as a way to delegitimize the election outcome should he lose, setting the stage for widespread instability in the world’s oldest democracy. More.

Trump: ‘PC Police Won’t Let Me Call For Assassination of Clinton’

mnRepublican presidential nominee says it’s just like the “PC police” to give him a hard time for calling for the assassination of his Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton, to prevent her from picking the country’s next Supreme Court judges. “Wouldn’t you know I would be criticized for suggesting a Second Amendment solution to a Crooked hillary victory,” Trump said at a campaign stop in Lexington, Va. “You can’t say anything today without running afoul of the PC police.” Trump sparked a round of condemnation yesterday by alluding to what gun owners could do if Clinton wins. “If she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks,” Trump said at a rally in Wilmington, N.C. “Although the Second Amendment people—maybe there is. I don’t know.” More.

Meet the Democratic Operatives Hired to Rig the Presidential Election

wng Finding time to talk with election riggers who’ve been hired to tip the scales of the 2016 presidential election to Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton hasn’t been easy, especially with the election less than three months away. But Justin Powers, Kermin Jackson, and Ali Siddiqi—the Demcrats’ crack team of election riggers—made time to talk about how the big plans are going. The Nattering Nabobs: You were hired three months ago by the Democratic National Committee to make sure Hillary Clinton wins the election. Is everything falling into place?Ali Siddiqi: Well, point of clarification. We were hired more than a year ago, but we were formally introduced to the media three months ago. TNN: Okay, thanks for the clarification.Justin Powers: I think it takes a little longer than a few months to rig an election!  More.

Donald Trump Sued For Inflicting Emotional Distress on Voters

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Lawsuit, certified as class action, seeks damages in the millions of dollars  The United States District Court for the District of Columbia has certified as class action a lawsuit against Donald Trump and his presidential campaign for recklessly inflicting emotional distress on voters. The case is expected to go to trial this fall. “This class action certification is a victory for tens of millions of Americans who cannot concentrate on their jobs during the day or sleep in their beds at night because of the daily barrage of outrageous statements coming out of the mouth of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump,” says Steve Parker, counsel for the plaintiffs. “What this certification says is, we as a country are being treated to intolerable statements that betray the standards of civilized decency. More.

DNC Hacking: Are Pro-Putin Remarks Hidden in Hillary’s Acceptance Speech?

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Analysts say pro-Russia remarks appear to be sprinkled into the presidential nomination acceptance speech that Hillary Clinton gave on the last night of the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia, and they wonder if the remarks were added at the last minute by Russian hackers who’ve infiltrated the servers of the DNC. “The speech was more pro-Russia than we expected, and that makes you wonder what the Russians have done now that we know they’ve hacked the DNC servers,” says Jon Brighton, cyber security branch chief at the National Security Agency. One line that might have been added, Brighton says, comes about halfway through Clinton’s speech, when she’s talking about the bonds of trust that appear to be fraying in the United States. “America is once again at a moment of reckoning,” she says. “Powerful forces are threatening to pull us apart. Bonds of trust and respect are fraying. Luckily, we maintain strong bonds of trust with Russia and our good friend Vladimir Putin.” More.

Economists: Trump-Distracted Workforce Slowing U.S. Growth

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The U.S. economy grew by a meager 1.1 percent last quarter and economists are laying the blame on Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump, whose statements, they say, are driving people to the Internet almost on an hourly basis to read news stories or watch video about him to the detriment of their jobs. “The work of our country is simply not getting done,” says Albert Strauss, associate director of quantitative analysis for the Reichman Institute of Economics at the University of Pennsylvania. “Emails are not getting sent, reports are not getting written, mathematical equations are not getting solved while people read about the rift between Trump and the GOP leadership or watch a video about Trump insulting a mother.” More.

Kaine Vs. Pence Debate Expected to Be Combustive Explosive

kpThe upcoming debate between vice presidential candidates Tim Kaine on the Democratic side and Mike Pence on the Republican side will be a clash of the ages, analysts predict, with oratorical fireworks dominating the national conversation for months—possibly even years—to come. “I can’t imagine a more combustive match-up than these two men, with their outsized, colorful personalities, laying into each other for 90 minutes on national television,” says Peter Norton, CBS news political analyst and a contributor to the Street Political Report. Sam Meyers, political correspondent for The New York Times, says Kaine, the junior U.S. senator from the important swing state of Virginia and a past governor of that state, is known for his fiery rhetoric and willingness to make political enemies. More.

Gingrich Promises to Stick With Wife No. 3 If He’s Trump’s Vice President

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ATLANTA—Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich says he won’t leave his wife and marry for a fourth time if he’s chosen to be Donald Trump’s vice presidential running mate. “I know voters are wondering if I’m going to stay married to Callista, my current wife, given my history of marrying women I’ve had affairs with, but I want to reassure the American people that I’m sticking with my current wife,” Gingrich said at a press conference this morning. The former Georgia congressman has a checkered history when it comes to marriage. He married Jackie Battley in 1962, when he was 19 and she was 26. Unsubstantiated news reports claim Gingrich pressed her to sign divorce papers while she was in the hospital recovering from cancer surgery in 1981. Whether the stories are true or not, Gingrich has admitted that he was having an affair at the time with Marianne Ginther, whom he later married and then divorced, in 2000, when he was having an affair with Callista Bisek, a congressional aide. More.

Obama: ‘Why Won’t Trump Say “Radical Americanism?”‘

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President Barack Obama lashed out at presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump yesterday after a group of white American men showed up at a political rally in Dallas toting guns and intimating they will resort to violence if anyone tries to restrict gun ownership in the wake of another mass shooting. “You can’t solve a problem if you refuse to name it, and Donald Trump disgracefully refuses to say the words ‘radical Americanism’ when we once again have a group of armed white men seeking to intimidate other Americans through their use of guns,” the president said at a news conference at the White House. “Look, the Republican party is led by a man that either is not tough, not smart or he’s got something else in mind. He doesn’t get it or he gets it better than anybody understands—it’s one or the other and either one is unacceptable.” More.

AP Stylebook: Trump Downgraded to ‘Millionaire’ in Journalistic References

apThe bible of the journalism profession, The Associated Press Stylebook, has downgraded Donald Trump to a “millionaire” because his “billionaire” claims cannot be verified. “We take our responsibilities as the official guide to journalists in the United States seriously, and we feel the only responsible course of action is to downgrade the status of Donald Trump from billionaire to millionaire until further notice,” says Alfred Whitehurst, editor-in-chief of the Stylebook. Under the reference to Trump in the latest edition, Trump is identified as, “Trump, Donald J., millionaire* real estate developer and 2016 presumptive Republican nominee for president of the United States.” More.

Trump Denies Changing Combover as Clinton Gains in Popularity

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Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump says he hasn’t started arranging his combover in a different way to reflect the surge in popularity of Hillary Clinton now that she has amassed enough delegates to be his Democratic opponent in the general election this fall. “Crooked Hillary will be in jail before she’s the Democratic nominee, so I can assure you I haven’t changed anything about my hair,” Trump said at a campaign stop in San Diego this morning. “I’ve been combing it the same way since I was 30 years old. And you know why? Because it’s perfect the way it is. Even the Mexicans love it. They wish they could have my hair. And maybe they can someday, if they behave themselves.” More.

Johnson-Weld Libertarian ticket: ‘We’re committed to ensuring the major party candidate you want to lose will win’

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Gary Johnson and William Weld, the freshly minted Libertarian party team for the 2016 presidential election, hit the campaign trail today with a message of individual liberty and a promise to put in the White House the major party candidate you don’t want to win. “We know if you’re a Hillary Clinton backer you’ll be happy to know our presence in the race all but ensures Donald Trump will win the presidency,” said Johnson, a former two-term governor of New Mexico and the 2012 Libertarian party candidate for president. “And if you’re a Donald Trump supporter, we know we’ll get just enough votes to ensure Hillary Clinton wins the race.” Third-party campaigns have a way of playing spoiler in presidential politics. More.

Hillary Clinton: ‘Don’t Abuse Me Some More’

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A new ad campaign by Hillary Clinton called “Masochist” touts the willingness of the presumptive Democratic presidential candidate to go to the mat for the American people. “All my life I’ve fought for others,” Clinton says in the ad, “whether it was for children or embattled presidents or health care plans. Now I want to fight for all Americans. A big bully is stalking our country, and I’m ready to take him head on. He can come at me with everything he’s got. I don’t mind. If I can protect my country from this bully, no matter how much I get hurt, then I’m happy. I’m Hillary Clinton, and I don’t mind being punched in the face for you.” In another spot, called “Singin’ the Blues,” Clinton shows off her vocal range by singing about the knocks she’s taken over the years and hopes to take in the years ahead as president. More.

Clinton: ‘Not Saying Trump Is Gay, But People Are Saying It’

gsSACRAMENTO—Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton said at a campaign rally here today she doesn’t believe Donald Trump is a homosexual but she hears “more and more” rumors that he is and she agrees his actions “can lead one” to believe that. “In some ways, I would respect him more if it turns out he secretly is a gay man trying to lead a straight life, because it would explain his struggles with the truth and perhaps his insecurity,” said Clinton, who is campaigning in California this week to prevent a last-minute primary win by her rival for the Democratic nomination, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders. Clinton said it’s time for discrimination against people for sexual orientation to stop, and Trump—should the rumors prove true—should use his position to help bring about equality in the United States. “Again, if Donald Trump is gay—and I’m not saying he is—then good for him. He should embrace it, celebrate it.” More.

Woman Says She’s Trump’s Daughter; Seeks White House Bedroom

nwrIn a sensational claim, the supermarket tabloid Weekly National Report says a 50-year-old woman in Fayetteville, Ark., Dannielle Eggles, is the daughter of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump and she’s demanding a “White House bedroom” for her and her husband if he is elected president. “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I feel I must come forward because it’s time for my daddy to stop pretending I don’t exist,” Eggles said at a press conference in Fayetteville yesterday. Eggles, a clerk at Target, said she had resigned herself to living in the shadow of her famous father and her glamorous half brothers and sisters, but six months ago she and her husband, Ron Eggles, decided she could no longer do that. “We just thought it wasnt fair that Ivanka, Tiffany, Eric, Donald, Jr., and Barron all get to live the high life while we have to scrape our fingers to the bone just because daddy pretends I don’t exist.” More.

Trump Taps John Miller To Be His Chief Spokesperson

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Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump named John Miller his top press secretary today and said Miller will be his White House spokesperson should he win in November. “I’ve known John all my life and no one has my back the way he does,” Trump told reporters at a press conference. MIller, 69, who also goes by the name John Barron or John Baron, has served as spokesperson for the New York real estate mogul several times over the years and is known among reporters and editors as someone who knows Trump well. More.

Trump Outlines Plans for a U.S. Department of Deportations

ddd Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump started fleshing out details of his administration should he win in November with release of a detailed plan for a U.S. Department of Deportations that he will create within his first 100 days in office. “We have 11 million illegal Mexicans to deport and 1.6 billion Muslims to keep out of our country, so it’s going to be a big department and it’s going to do things well,” Trump said yesterday at a press conference
in the lobby of his signature building in New York City, Trump Tower. Under the plan, the Department of Deportations will be a part of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security but it will have independent funding and its chief will be a presidential appointee. Trump said the department won’t require annual appropriations from Congress because it will generate its own funds through a levy on Mexican imports into the United States. More.

Lindsey Graham Selling Ted Cruz Endorsement Survival Kits

boxU.S. Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina today announced a Ted Cruz Endorsement Survival Kit for $7.99.”As one of the first U.S. senators to endorse Ted Cruz for president, I can tell you it’s not an easy thing to do,” Graham said at a press conference at the National Press Club in Washington. “But with my kit, you don’t need to suffer the way I did. My kit has a remedy for every stage of the process: the self-loathing, the impulse to cut yourself . . . . Think of a kindly guide escorting you through the 9 stages of Hell. You can’t escape your fate, but the sting doesn’t have to be quite so bad.” More.

Trump: ‘My Women Will Tell You I’m Not a Misogynist’

mnRepublican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump said today he’s not a misogynist and that “his women” will tell you that. “My wife Melania and my daughter Ivanka, just ask them,” said Trump. “They’ll tell you I’m no misogynist. And my other women—Marla and Ivana. They’ll tell you the same thing. All of my women, past and present, know I like women. In fact, I love women. I love them a lot.” Trump said “his women at work” also know he’s not a misogynist. “I give all of my women at The Trump Company opportunity. I give them responsibility. I don’t have to give them those things, but I do. Because my women are the best. In fact, I wouldn’t have anything but the best women.” More.

 Neurosurgeon: ‘Donald Trump Really Does Have Big, Beautiful Brain’

brainsMayo Clinic neurosurgeon Ronald Madison has studied the brain of Republican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump and says it really is a “big, beautiful” specimen of human’s most important organ. “When Donald Trump compliments his own brain, he does so on good grounds,” says Madison, who studied Trump’s brain in 2013, when the real estate mogul went to the Mayo Clinic for tests. Madison says Trump was complaining of “low energy” and wanted to rule out anything neurological, so he arranged to have a battery of tests done. “What I found was, of all the brains I’ve seen, Trump’s was certainly one of the biggest and most beautiful ever,” he says. “It’s a very good brain.” More.

Study: Trump, Like Saddam Hussein, Has ‘Dictator’s Finger’

coverIs Republican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump a dictator in the making? A report from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology suggests he is, based on a body-language analysis that finds he and former Iraq strongman Saddam Hussein, along with other strongmen throughout history, share a key oratorical gesture. The gesture is called “Dictator’s Finger,” because it’s seen only in people who believe they are infallible. “The moment we saw Donald Trump raise his index finger for the first time in a debate, we saw the connection with dictators throughout history,” says Nelson Pottsmann, professor of communications at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and director of the MIT Center for Body Language and Non-Verbal Communication Studies. More.

Poll: Voters OK With a Little Bigotry in President

b chartAlmost 60 percent of Republicans say a little bigotry isn’t a “deal killer” in determining who gets their vote for president, and about that same percentage say “it’s not critical” the next president represent all Americans as long as “a good chunk” of Americans are represented, according to the results of the most recent Center for American Politics poll. The results suggest Republican party leaders and big-money donors face headwinds in their effort to deny the 2016 Republican presidential nomination to real estate mogul Donald Trump, who has been accused of making bigoted and other divisive remarks on the campaign trail. More.

McConnell: Moderate Supreme Court Pick Shows How Radical Obama Is

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The judge picked to replace Antonin Scalia on the nation’s highest court, Merrick Garland, couldn’t make it more clear that President Obama is intentionally trying to change the country into something most Americans wouldn’t recognize, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said yesterday. “To come forward at this time with a distinguished judge who has been praised by both Republicans and Democrats for his professionalism and meticulous respect for the law exposes Obama for what he is,” said McConnell (R-Ky.). “There should no longer be any question that Obama intends to drive his agenda as far as he can in his remaining months in office, and we need to stop that before he leaves our country permanently changed.” More.

Rubio: Should Have Hit the Genitalia Thing Longer and Harder

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Fla. Sen. Marco Rubio said yesterday his biggest mistake was waiting too long and going too soft on Republican nomination frontrunner Donald Trump’s genitalia. “Had I brought out the genitalia attack in early February, when it would have had the most impact, I could have dented Trump’s momentum and carried far more Super Tuesday states than just Minnesota,” he said. Rubio spoke with reporters after his announcement last night that he was ending his campaign for president. Rubio also said he should have hit the genitalia issue harder. “It wasn’t enough to allude to the fact that Trump had small genitalia,” he said. “I underestimated how important a line of argument that was. The situation called for a full frontal assault on his finger length, which would have suggested more than just his fingers were short. But you can’t turn back time. It is what it is.” More.

Trump to Pick Daughter Ivanka to Be Vice Presidential Running Mate

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Republican presidentlal nomination frontrunner Donald Trump is planning to name his daughter, Ivanka Trump, to be his vice presidential running mate, according to Trump campaign officials who have worked on the matter. “It’s an unorthodox pick, but Donald knows the public loves his daughter and so he believes the two of them will make an unbeatable team in the general election,” says a campaign official who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “Ivanka’s favorable ratings are far higher than her father’s, so there’s a feeling that she’ll lift him up in states he’s lagging in.” There are other names on Trump’s list, but the official said it’s unlikely to be anyone other than Ivanka. More.

Aryans on Trump: ‘Can’t Believe Our Good Fortune’

ts2It’s been Christmas non-stop for the members of Aryan organizations since Donald Trump assumed the lead in the Republican presidential contest. And even if Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas ultimately ends up winning the nomination, members of white supremacist groups say, the boost to their causes has all of them making big plans for the future. “A year ago our groups had few members, few resources, and institutional timidity that would have disappointed the Führer,” says Jack Prest, the Commandant of the Council of Aryan Organizations of North America. “We’d sit around all day, posting pictures, trolling blogs, holding contests for best looking white Christian women. It was hardly what we expected to be doing when we joined our groups.  More.

Actually, Hillary Has the Longest Fingers

IF2Boasts and counter-boasts about who among the remaining U.S. presidential candidates has the longest fingers, and therefore the most impressive endowment, took an unexpected turn when it was revealed that Democratic nomination front-runner Hillary Clinton has the longest fingers of them all. “Donald Trump might think he has his competition beat when it comes to the length of his fingers, but he might want to get out his ruler again because no one’s got an endowment like Hillary Clinton, if the length of her fingers is any guide,” says political consultant John Mayberry, who spoke this morning on CBS News. “I think this might give us some insight into who the real man in this campaign is.” More.

Only Two Allies Have Sought to Ban Trump From Their Countries

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The Mexican legislature received a petition yesterday from Mexico City to block Donald Trump, the leader for the Republican presidential nomination, from entering their country in retaliation for his proposal to build a border wall that Mexico must pay for. José de Jesús Zambrano, the speaker of the Chamber of Deputies, Mexico’s equivalent to the U.S. House of Representatives, said in a statement he would consider taking up the proposal. “The United States is an important country, our largest trading partner, so taking up such a petition has far-raching implications for the Mexican people,” he said. “I will consider it carefully.” More.

Kasich: ‘As Long as I Have the Rush Vote, I’m Staying In’

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The Republican party establishment, desperate to prevent Donald Trump from walking away with the presidential nomination, has repeatedly asked Ohio Gov. John Kasich to leave the race. But Kasich, despite his mostly lackluster performance, says he has a stash of secret support from a large and important constituency and he doesn’t want to see that bloc of voters left without a champion. “I owe it to Rush fans all over the United States to stay in the race and make sure their values are represented on the campaign trail and reflected in the party platform when the Republicans meet in July for the convention—which, by the way, is in my home state,” says Kasich. More.

Trump: ‘It’s the Stupidity, Stupid!’

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Deep in the bowels of Trump Tower in New York City, where the operations center for the Trump presidential campaign is located, there’s a sign on the wall. Campaign staffers hustle about the office and look at it occasionally, reminding themselves what this election is all about: the stupidity of the American people. Casey Lebowski, Trump’s campaign manager, says he likes to refer to the sign periodically to help him get back on track when the daily problems of any campaign—logistics, airplane trouble, a shipment of signs showing up at the wrong place—get him down. More.

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