LAS VEGAS—It’s not a question of if but when the next senseless shooting will occur in the United States, so casinos here in the country’s gambling capital are making a book on the question and letting gamblers around the world take their best shot at making —or losing—some money on the country’s runaway gun violence.
“Senseless shootings are perfect for making a book because no one knows when or where the next disturbed loner will appear with his constitutionally protected assault rifle,” says Edward (“Eddie”) LaRue, bookmaker for the Desperado Hotel & Casino on the famous strip. “It’s sick to bet on this, but it’s criminal not to, given how much money is to be made.”
So far, it looks like a lot of gambers are game to play the odds.
“I’m betting on Denver, Colorado, in December of 2015,” says Andy Milton of nearby Colorado Springs. “You’ve got a lot of young people and legalized pot, so I can imagine some guy who’s spent too much time smoking dope and playing video games. He probably can’t get a girlfriend because he doesn’t know how to socialize and on the few times he ventures out, he can’t stand to see all these attractive women running around with their perfect Colorado bodies so he just snaps, most likely as the holidays near.”
Anton Cuccionni of Newark, N.J., says the odds favor a maladjusted man who nurses a lot of grievances against the world, many of whom live in the southwest, like Arizona or Texas, where conservatism is strong and guns are big. “I see a guy who came of age thinking the country is going to hell in a hand basket and Obama is an illegal alien,” he says. “He wants to take out a few well-adjusted people before he turns the gun on himself so he buys a couple of Glocks, choreographs a couple of manacing poses for his Facebook page, then gets to work making headlines.”
“To be perfectly honest with you, business wasn’t great until we started taking bets on this,” says Jeffrey Sands, an oddsmaker with the Kamelot Kasino. “Everyone knows the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl again because they’ll find a way to cheat. The presidential contest was interesting for a while, especially with Trump in the race, but everyone knows Hillary is going to win despite the e-mail scandal because she and Bill and Chelsea have Wall Street, Silicon Valley, and Hollywood wrapped around their fingers, not to mention Hispanics and blacks. And no one can stay awake through baseball, hockey, or basketball, so those are all busts. So the senseless shooting question came along just in time to give a needed bump to business. Thank god the National Rifle Association has worked so hard to turn gun ownership into a national fetish, because without them, we wouldn’t have this growth industry we have in maladjusted men with guns.”
This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): as and hg (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
Democratic National Committee Chairman Tom Perez would neither confirm nor deny that party leaders are quietly courting a shark to run against President Donald Trump in 2020 should he run for reelection, as he’s expected to do. “All I can say is, we have many potential candidates who are the right person to lead our country at an important time in our history and who are well positioned to defeat our historically unpopular President,” Perez said when asked today about whether his organization is in talks with a shark to run against the President. Rumors that the DNC is courting a shark surfaced this week when Rep. Seth Moulton (D-Mass.), an up and coming lawmaker who is said to be contemplating a run for president in 2020, accused the DNC of treating him and other potential candidates like “plankton and krill” who are “nothing more than calories to be filtered through the open mouths of a basking shark.” More.
President Donald Trump took a step to help address the nation’s outbreak of mass shootings by using his executive power to create a United States Department of Prayers. “With this order we’re showing Americans that we’re doing everything we can as a government to address gun violence in our country, which is so terrible,” Trump said at a signing ceremony in Japan, where he is visiting as part of a 12-day Asia tour. Under the order, the department will deploy a religious leader based in the area of the incident to offer official prayers on behalf of the federal government. More.
White nationalist leader Richard Spencer says he believes blacks, Jews, and other Americans of impure bloodlines will leave the United States on their own accord once he and his followers march in front of enough confederate statutes. “What we think is, after a certain point, the approximately 15 million Jews and about 50 million blacks in our country will choose to leave and everyone will be happy,” says Spencer, whose organization is based in Alexandria, Va. Spencer’s organization was involved in the rally by white supremacists, neo-Nazis, and the Ku Klux Klan in Charlottesville, Va., in late August that led to the death of a counter protester. More.
The U.S. Congress came together in a bipartisan fashion today to condemn the acts of gun violence that will plague the country in the months and years ahead. “We condemn the senseless taking of innocent life that we will experience in the future,” the resolution reads. “We call on all Americans to come together during these times of national trauma that will inflict us, probably twice a year if not more frequently.” Sen. John Barrasso (R-Wyo.), one of the sponsors of the resolution, says it’s a step in the right direction for lawmakers to get all of their future condemnations of acts of gun violence out of the way at once, because that will free up time for other legislative priorities. More.
Wayne LaPierre, the head of the National Rifle Association, said today the United States will never get a handle on its problem with violence until more people get their hands on guns so more people can meet violence with violence. “There simply aren’t enough people with enough firepower to stop the violence,” LaPierre said. His remarks came in the wake of the of the latest random mass shooting in the United States. Yesterday, Omar Mateen used several automatic weapons to kill more than 50 people and wound an equal number at an Orlando, Fla., gay nightclub. “Would so many people be dead if some of the people had been armed in that nightclub?” LaPierre said at his news conference. More.
News reports are saying something about another mass shooting somewhere, Kansas, I think, and people were killed and the shooter had some issues and he was at a factory or maybe he was driving a cab or was at a community college or whatever and blah, blah, blah. A report says Iowa lawmakers passed legislation to let kids carry guns in public and that’s good because kids are known for taking reasoned approaches to conflict and it will be good they will be armed in case the security of our free state is at risk and hopefully the NRA will write similar legislation for other states to pass and blah, blah, blah. More.
Ammond Bundy, the leader of self-described militiamen men who have taken over the Malheur National Wildlife Refuge in southeastern Oregon to protest the jailing of ranchers who set nearby land on fire, says what he and the others are doing represents America because they wear cowboy hats. “What we’re doing is right and proper because real Americans wear cowboy hats, and that’s what we’re wearing,” says Bundy, 45. Bundy says he and his men also “dress like cowboys and ride horses,” so there should be no concern among Americans that what they’re doing is wrong. More.
The National Rifle Association today issued a proposal to the federal government to issue all 322 million Americans Kevlar vests to protect them from bullets as Americans exercise their constitutional right to own and shoot guns. “There’s a lot of pressure on our country to curb our gun freedom, but we have a better idea,” Wayne LaPierre, NRA executive vice president, said in announcing the proposal. “All Americans should be issued a Kevlar vest as a right of citizenship.” Gun control organizations immediately blasted the idea. “Rather than issue vests, we need to put in place reasonable gun regulations, starting with a requirement that guns be registered,” said the National Alliance to Prevent Gun Violence in a statement. More.
Saying the United States has too many mass shootings to bother ever raising the flag again, President Barack Obama today ordered all flags in the country to stay permanently lowered to half mast. “This is not an order I enjoy giving, but as long as we as a country are unable to rein in gun violence, there’s no reason not to leave our flags lowered each and every day.” Obama says he doesn’t want a situation in which people are raising their flags then lowering them, then raising them again and then lowering them again. “Up, down up, down–what the heck? We’ll all have arthritis by the time we hit 400 million guns in this country,” he says. More.
President Barack Obama said the latest mass shooting, at the Umpqua Community College in Roseburg, Ore., is another reminder the United States must take action on guns, but because the National Rifle Association is so scary, he knows nothing will happen. “Would we like something to happen?” he said in his remarks in the James Brady White House Press Office today. “Of course. Who wouldn’t? But when you have an organization that’s as scary as the NRA defending gun rights, there’s no way you’re gong to get any action taken.” Obama says he favors tighter and more expanded background checks and limits on the sale of automatic weapons. He also favors allowing states and municipalities to curb gun sales in their jurisdictions. More.
The National Football League is accusing New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady of deflating the ego of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell in yet another charge against the four-time Super Bowl championship team. “We have very strong reasons to be believe New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady conspired with Richard Berman, the presiding judge of the U.S. District Court of the Southern District of New York, to do irreparable harm to the reputation of National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell, and on the basis of evidence we have, we are launching an investigation into this potential violation of League rules,” says NFL Spokesperson Marisa Miller. More.
WASHINGTON—The National Rifle Association today staged a protest outside the U.S. Department of Transportation here against that agency’s ban on privately owned military assult-styled vehicles on federally funded highways. “It looks like Barack Hussein Obama wants to make sure only the government has the right to bear arms when those arms are attached to motorized vehicles,” NRA President Wayne LaPierre said at the protest, which involved blocking Constitution Ave. with dozens of privately owned vehicles adapted to accommodate military-styled automatic weapons, including several with grenade launchers. “Well, the U.S. Constitution makes clear that guns don’t have to be carried on one’s person for us to enjoy the freedom to have them. Just because they’re mounted on vehicles doesn’t make us any less free to carry our guns.” More.
ATLANTA—Several drunks at McCabe’s in the Grant Park district here shot each other yesterday after one of the men bought a round of drinks to celebrate the new state law allowing guns in bars. “It’s unfortunate three otherwise good, healthy Americans are dead, but the more important thing is that we have a law in this state that preserves Americans’ liberty to kill themselves and others when they’re drunk,” says Jim Fleming, an electrician in Cabbagetown who was at the bar at the time of the shooting. “No one likes to see people killed, but neither do people like to see government try to take away our right to have guns where people gather to become intoxicated,” says Elliot Harper, a long-time patron of McCabe’s. “The U.S. Declaration of Independence makes clear that the right to own guns hinges on our need for a well-regulated militia, and you clearly can’t have a well-regulated militia unless people can shoot one another in bars when they’re drunk.” More.
WASHINGTON—Buoyed by the success of its effort to get “Stand Your Ground” laws passed in states throughout the country, the National Rifle Association today launched a nationwide campaign to get “Not Liking Your Looks” laws passed. “Every day people are terrorized by people who look at them in ways that are menacing or intimidating,” NRA CEO and Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre said at a press conference here. “Americans shouldn’t have to stand for that, not when we have a Constitutional right to own and use guns, because every confrontation starts with a look. Under our reasonable and sensible ‘Not LIking Your Looks” laws, law-abiding Americans can head off dangerous confrontations by firing the first shot and stopping a confrontation before it starts.” More.
FAIRFAX, Va.—A gathering of top scholars among gun rights advocates meeting at the headquarters of the National Rifle Association yesterday remained divided and perplexed by the words “well regulated” in the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. “It’s a term that has always been a mystery to gun rights advocates, but I think we made considerable progress in nailing down what the Founding Fathers of the United States meant by it,” says Leonard Clounts, a constitutional scholar at Sam Houston University in Texas and chair of an NRA task force that’s been asked to forge a policy statement on the meaning of the term. The text of the Second Amendment, as adopted and made part of the Constitution in 1791, reads as follows: “A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.” More.
Thousands of families in cities across the United States today thanked the National Rifle Association for instilling a culture of fear throughout America with its demonization of anyone who talks about regulations to keep automatic weapons out of the hands of criminals and people with a history of mental illness. “It’s with our deepest gratitude that we, families of America, extend our thanks to the National Rifle Association for everything it has done to create ‘communities of fear’ across our great country,” the families said in a statement released today. “Thanks to its resolute stand that families like ours should take our security in our own hands, whether by hiring private security guards or keeping guns under our pillow at night, we live in a growing state of fear and distrust. And that’s something the NRA deserves credit for.” More.
WASHINGTON—The National Rifle Association yesterday filed a lawsuit in U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia seeking a cease-and-desist order against the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence on the grounds that the group’s activities are unconstitutional since gun ownership in the United States is protected by the U.S. Constitution. “Given that the protection of gun ownership is explicit in the U.S. Constitution, any activities to stem gun ownership, and by extension, any groups whose mission is to stem gun ownership, is de facto unconstitutional in the United States,” the NRA says in its lawsuit. The gun-right’s group, based in Fairfax, Va., is seeking class action status of its lawsuit, which, if granted, will outlaw all organizations in the United States whose mission is the regulation of gun ownership. More.
Gun enthusiasts say the millions of guns that flow across the border illegally for use by drug cartels in their war against the Mexican government must stop if mass killers in the U.S. are to reach the success level they’re capable of. “Right now, can an unstable young man in the United States be all that he can be when he’s ready to start spraying random people with bullets? I don’t think so,” says Grit Thorniker, president of the American Alliance for Personal Weapons Rights. “Our gun manufacturers are already operating at maximum capacity. Once more deranged loners come out of the woodwork, will we be able to meet their needs?” More.
WASHINGTON, D.C.–A gun rights activist who thinks anyone who favors gun control of any type is a “socialist elitist who hates America” accidentally shot off his nose yesterday while at a rally here celebrating the second part of the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution. “Nobe ub dis chages my biew dat weal Americans strap guns around der legs,” says John (“J.D.”) Ray, the activist, from his room at George Washington University Hospital in Washington. Doctors treating the activist say they are attempting to reconstruct his nose using tissue from other parts of his body because the accidental point-blank shot left nothing of Ray’s original nose to work with. More.
Thanks to the push to gut gun laws and make it harder to prosecute shooters, maladjusted men who would otherwise be content to stay in their rooms playing violent video games increasingly have the chance to pack heat and show people they don’t like who’s in charge. “I don’t have the guts to actually talk to people, but I don’t need to even try anymore because I can just get me a gun or two and deal with my problems that way,” says Jeremy Flynn, 24, a maladjusted man who nurses a lot of grudges against the world. “I grew up playing video games in which the winners maim or kill more people than others maim or kill, and that was fine for my youth. Now that I’m an adult, I want to take my hatred to the next level. I’m just glad the National Rifle Association has my back, because now I can get all the guns I want and really do my carnage right.” More.