Las Vegas Oddsmakers Taking Bets on Next Senseless Shooting

File:Admiral_Sportwetten_Filiale_Prater_Wien.jpgLAS VEGAS—It’s not a question of if but when the next senseless shooting will occur in the United States, so casinos here in the country’s gambling capital are making a book on the question and letting gamblers around the world take their best shot at making —or losing—some money on the country’s runaway gun violence.

“Senseless shootings are perfect for making a book because no one knows when or where the next disturbed loner will appear with his constitutionally protected assault rifle,” says Edward (“Eddie”) LaRue, bookmaker for the Desperado Hotel & Casino on the famous strip. “It’s sick to bet on this, but it’s criminal not to, given how much money is to be made.”

So far, it looks like a lot of gambers are game to play the odds.
http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00FPNVGQE/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00FPNVGQE&linkCode=as2&tag=daily031-20&linkId=VZT66WBMZ3MG5X5S
“I’m betting on Denver, Colorado, in December of 2015,” says Andy Milton of nearby Colorado Springs. “You’ve got a lot of young people and legalized pot, so I can imagine some guy who’s spent too much time smoking dope and playing video games. He probably can’t get a girlfriend because he doesn’t know how to socialize and on the few times he ventures out, he can’t stand to see all these attractive women running around with their perfect Colorado bodies so he just snaps, most likely as the holidays near.”

Has grievances

Has grievances

Anton Cuccionni of Newark, N.J., says the odds favor a maladjusted man who nurses a lot of grievances against the world, many of whom live in the southwest, like Arizona or Texas, where conservatism is strong and guns are big. “I see a guy who came of age thinking the country is going to hell in a hand basket and Obama is an illegal alien,” he says. “He wants to take out a few well-adjusted people before he turns the gun on himself so he buys a couple of Glocks, choreographs a couple of manacing poses for his Facebook page, then gets to work making headlines.”

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/1936488434/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=1936488434&linkCode=as2&tag=daily031-20&linkId=ALHYH4QKBNNVIUVSRegardless of when and where the next shooting will occur, bookmakers are cleaning up on the question.

“To be perfectly honest with you, business wasn’t great until we started taking bets on this,” says Jeffrey Sands, an oddsmaker with the Kamelot Kasino. “Everyone knows the Patriots are going to win the Super Bowl again because they’ll find a way to cheat,” he says. “The presidential contest was interesting for a while, especially with Trump in the race, but everyone knows Hillary is going to win despite the e-mail scandal because she and Bill and Chelsea have Wall Street, Silicon Valley, and Hollywood wrapped around their fingers, not to mention Hispanics and blacks. And no one can stay awake through baseball, hockey, or basketball, so those are all busts. So the senseless shooting question came along just in time to give a needed bump to business. Thank god the National Rifle Association has worked so hard to turn gun ownership into a national fetish, because without them, we wouldn’t have this growth industry we have in maladjusted men with guns.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): as and hg (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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What can you do?

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