Ted Cruz, Scary American, Will Never be President

gageskidmore

Make his day?

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas), the Canadian born firebrand of conservative politics, is a favorite of many Republicans, thanks to his strong social and fiscal conservatism, but, as a very scary man, he will never be elected president of the United States.

“I like Sen. Cruz in the same way that I like movies about self-hating megalomaniacs, but I could never vote for him as president,” says Dave Laver, a Republican in Ohio, a key swing state.

Cruz was very much a liberal in his youth, say people who knew him, and he was scary back then, too, but he applied his scariness in a liberal rather than conservative direction.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00005USBH/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00005USBH&linkCode=as2&tag=mediab-20&linkId=QFTLSHDHXBZBSOUF“You have to admire his consistency,” says Bill Porter, a friend of Cruz’s from high school in Katy, Texas, “not in his political beliefs, but in his scariness. He used to scare the crap out of me when we were friends, and I see he’s still scaring the crap out of people today. You have to admire that, kinda.”

gageskidmore

Vlad, you talkin’ to me?

Both admirers and critics say his being the scariest man in the United States isn’t necessarily a bad quality for a president. “I could definitely see him going toe-to-toe with Vladimir Putin in terms of sheer asshole-ness,” says Anders Breen, a Republican in Iowa, another swing state. “Should things get tense between the U.S. and Russia, having a big prick like him as president is more of an asset than having a hand-wringer like Barack Obama. I can also see Cruz slapping Angela Merkel around a few times to get her to open up her country’s coffers so countries like Spain and Greece and Poland can get their economies moving, although Angela is no pushover. But the reality is, most of the time he’ll be slapping around Democrats and fellow Republicans, and that’s just not helpful.”

Political analysts say it really doesn’t matter how Cruz would do on the world stage, because he will never be elected president. “Americans do stupid things,” says Chris Michaels, an analyst with CNN. “Electing Cruz would be a stupid thing that Americans are capable of doing, but we’re not at the point where we like to scare ourselves shitless.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: gs (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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