U.N. Passes Resolution Blaming U.S. for Everything

Lousy Americans cannot manage to save the world


‘We agree. The U.S. has failed!’

Saying “it just makes sense,” delegates from around the world overwhelmingly passed a resolution blaming all of the world’s woes on the United States.

“Whereas the United States continues to have, albeit barely, the largest economy in the world, and
“Whereas the United States makes a lot of mistakes that everyone in the world knows about, and
“Whereas the United States has been involved in some capacity in all regions of the world for several decades, and
“Whereas the United States is in a state of decline and is clearly failing in all respects,
“We hereby resolve to levy blame for everything that is wrong in the world today on the United States of America. Happy New Year.”

'Other countries can be blamed now.'

‘Other countries can be blamed now.’

The vote was devastatingly lopsided, with delegates from 156 countries voting in favor and only one, the United Kingdom, voting against. Two countries, Canada and Israel, abstained.

“It’s a blow, to be sure, but that’s the price of leadership,” says Samantha Power, the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations. “We know there’s a lot of concern in the world today and people are looking for someone to blame. Still, we believe the blame should be more evenly spread, especially since there are other countries with large economies today. In fact, we know of one country whose economy is almost as large as ours and could be larger than ours soon. So, yes, there are other countries to blame now.”

That might be so, but for many delegates who voted in favor of the resolution, laying the blame for everything on the U.S. is a long-sought victory. “For decades the United States has has cast its shadow over all peoples in all lands and it is just and fitting that this largest of all terrorist entities be singled out for what it is: the cause of everyone’s woes,” says Abbasid Caliph Haroun al-Rashid, the U.N. delegate for Syria, whose country at this very moment has American planes and drones helping it attack its enemy—the Islamic State of Iraq—on its own soil.

Usman Ahmad Khalid, the U.N. representative for Pakistan, says the United States has tried to eradicate terroists in South Waziristan, the country’s lawless border region, for more than a decade, which is a goal shared by the Pakistan government, but has failed to do so. “It is time to put America in its place,” Khalid says. “It has given our government weapons, intelligence, and training to help us take back our border from Pashtun terrorists. It is only right that it pay a price for that.”

Nigel Majors, the U.N. delegate for the U.K., the lone ally to the United States in the voting, says it was a tough vote but of course the country would maintain its “special relationship” with the U.S. “My advice to the United States is to learn from this otherwise meaningless slap on the wrist,” says Majors. “Although we’re grateful the United States plays the role it does in keeping shipping lanes open and acting as the world’s police force, it is not a perfect country and that’s what people are telling it today: you’re not perfect.”

Majors said U.K. Prime Minister David Cameron will pay a high political price for backing the United States in the vote. “People are tired of us playing the poodle to the U.S., but of course that’s not what this vote is about,” he says. “Much of the instability in the Middle East today is the result of the arbitrary borders we and other European powers created 70 years ago, and yet no one talks about that. Why? Because we have the United States to blame. So, of course the Cameron government will take a bullet for the U.S. But that doesn’t mean we like it. Not does it mean there’s not a lesson for the U.S. here. There is a lesson, and we urge the U.S. to learn it. You must improve.”

Amun Hafez of Egypt says the vote sums up the feelings throughout the world, but particularly in the Middle East, that life in other countries would be perfect—or at least close to perfect—if it wasn’t for the United States. “Our lack of opportunity, our oppression of women, our inability to create environments in which people can thrive and lead self-fulfilling lives is all because of the United States,” he says. “Without the Americans, our lives would be peaceful, prosperous, and purposeful. It’s high time the blame for everything wrong in the world is put squarely where it belongs: on the shoulders of Americans, who are so obviously not perfect and have so many problems that they clearly cannot resolve. The world is waiting for them to resolve their problems, because until they do, they are keeping everyone else in the world from leading their perfect lives they are so impatient to lead.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): jg and sp (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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