4 Reasons Why Marco Rubio Has Already Sewn Up Republican Nomination

Husband Marco Rubio

Husband of Jeanette Dousdebes

The race for the 2016 Republican presidential nomination is up for grabs, with several serious candidates already declared or about to declare their candidacies. But is it really as wide open as many believe? In fact, behind closed doors, analysts say Florida Senator Marco Rubio has already locked up the nomination—for four unbeatable reasons.

No. 1.

edJeanette Dousdebes, a former Miami Dolphins cheerleader, is Rubio’s wife.

No. 2.

jdJeanette Dousdebes, Rubio’s wife, has a dozen friends she is inviting over for White House sleepovers.

No. 3.

usnJeanette Dousdebes, Rubio’s wife, has the support of the military.

No. 4.

muJeanette Dousdebes, Rubio’s wife, will be an asset on official trips abroad, diplomats say.

js“Anyone who knows the inside scoop knows the nomination is already sewn up,” says a Republican strategist who asked not to be identified so he could speak candidly. “Marco is going through the paces, making it seem like he’s competing against all those other guys—Ted Cruz, Scott Walker, Jeb Bush, Rand Paul—but the behind-the-scenes campaign is already over. After six years of Michelle Obama harvesting vegetables in her White House garden, the country is ready for a woman who knows how to bring a smile to guys who like hot dogs and beer. There won’t be much left of that garden after Jeanette Dousdebes and her friends do a couple of kicks and squats for guys who used to be our adversaries on the world stage.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): USN, ed, and, mu (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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Gingrich Promises to Stick With Wife No. 3 If He’s Trump’s Vice President

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ATLANTA—Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich says he won’t leave his wife and marry for a fourth time if he’s chosen to be Donald Trump’s vice presidential running mate. “I know voters are wondering if I’m going to stay married to Callista, my current wife, given my history of marrying women I’ve had affairs with, but I want to reassure the American people that I’m sticking with my current wife,” Gingrich said at a press conference this morning. The former Georgia congressman has a checkered history when it comes to marriage. He married Jackie Battley in 1962, when he was 19 and she was 26. Unsubstantiated news reports claim Gingrich pressed her to sign divorce papers while she was in the hospital recovering from cancer surgery in 1981. Whether the stories are true or not, Gingrich has admitted that he was having an affair at the time with Marianne Ginther, whom he later married and then divorced, in 2000, when he was having an affair with Callista Bisek, a congressional aide. More.

Rubio Refashions Himself For Senate Reelection Campaign

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Fresh from his stinging defeat for the Republican presidential nomination, Sen. Marco Rubio (R-Fla.) is applying lessons learned as he embarks on his bid to stay in the U.S. Senate. “Although I’m disappointed I didn’t do better against Donald Trump, I can say I’ve learned valuable lessons from him during the race and I plan to apply those lessons to my race to remain Florida’s senator.” Among the lessons learned, he says, is the need to question President Barack Obama’s agenda, and, by extension, Hillary Clinton’s agenda. “Barack Obama wants to make fundamental changes to what America is, the kind of country it is,” he says. “Barack Obama knows exactly what he’s doing, and so does Hillary Clinton.” More.

A Desperate Carly Fiorina Picks Cruz For Her Presidential Running Mate

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Former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina has selected Texas Sen. Ted Cruz to be her presidential running mate in the hopes of rekindling her bid to be vice president of the United States. “Sen. Cruz and I have always been on the same page when it comes to abortion, carpet bombing Islamic radicals, and not letting the Supreme Court tip to the Democrats,” Fiorina said in her speech last night announcing Cruz as her running mate. “What’s more, he has demonstrated that he’s really the only candidate who has a path to the nomination besides Donald Trump.” Fiorna, who has been out of a job since she was fired from Hewlett-Packard in 2005, ran unsuccessfully for governor of California in 2010 and then for the Republican presidential nomination. More.

10 Ways America is No Longer Great

gsRepublican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump is running on the slogan “Make America Great Again.” Here are 10 ways the United States is no longer great. 1. Its women are no longer beautiful. Today, someone wealthy has to look outside the United States for a wife, at least two out of three times, because all of the hot women are taken. 2. It’s no longer a meritocracy. It’s possible for someone to use his wealth to run for president even though he’s driven the company his dad started into bankruptcy four times. 3. It’s no longer a melting pot. It’s possible for someone running for president to win more votes than his competitors by asking his supporters to slug immigrants or people of color who disrupt his rallies. More.

Lindsey Graham Selling Ted Cruz Endorsement Survival Kits

boxU.S. Senator Lindsey Graham of South Carolina today announced a Ted Cruz Endorsement Survival Kit for $7.99.”As one of the first U.S. senators to endorse Ted Cruz for president, I can tell you it’s not an easy thing to do,” Graham said at a press conference at the National Press Club in Washington. “But with my kit, you don’t need to suffer the way I did. My kit has a remedy for every stage of the process: the self-loathing, the impulse to cut yourself . . . . Think of a kindly guide escorting you through the 9 stages of Hell. You can’t escape your fate, but the sting doesn’t have to be quite so bad.” More.

Clinton Marches to Nomination as Sanders Wins Again

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Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders chalked up his sixth victory in the the last seven nominating contests, all but ensuring former secretary of state Hillary Clinton will be the Democratic standard-bearer in the 2016 race for the presidency. “The momentum is clearly with Sanders,” says Mark Carpenter, a Democratic political consultant who is unaligned with any campaign this year. “He’s not only beating Hillary consistently, he’s beating her by decisive margins. So, yes, it remains Hillary Clinton’s race to lose.” CNN Political Analyst David Thornton says Sanders’ continuing appeal to large portions of the Democratic electorate reinforces the overwhelming advantage of Hillary Clinton, who is focusing her attention on the general election. More.

Trump: ‘My Women Will Tell You I’m Not a Misogynist’

mnRepublican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump said today he’s not a misogynist and that “his women” will tell you that. “My wife Melania and my daughter Ivanka, just ask them,” said Trump. “They’ll tell you I’m no misogynist. And my other women—Marla and Ivana. They’ll tell you the same thing. All of my women, past and present, know I like women. In fact, I love women. I love them a lot.” Trump said “his women at work” also know he’s not a misogynist. “I give all of my women at The Trump Company opportunity. I give them responsibility. I don’t have to give them those things, but I do. Because my women are the best. In fact, I wouldn’t have anything but the best women.” More.

Trump Combover Implicated in Panama Papers Exposé

And you can too

The combover of Republican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump has been storing tens of millions of dollars in offshore bank accounts in Panama since 2006 in an alleged effort to avoid paying federal taxes, a report on the so-called Panama Papers by the International Coalition of Investigative Journalists claims. “Working under the name ‘Andre Smooth,’ the combover of Donald Trump has diverted between $4 million and $7 million each year since 2006 in a Panama-based holding company, Smooth, LLC, that otherwise claims no assets,” says the report, released yesterday as part of a rising tide of disclosures coming out of the investigation of some 11.5 million documents leaked from the Panamanian law firm Mossack Fonseca. More.

Dream Team: Trump-Cruz Are Sure to Win a State Against Hillary

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Republican party officials are giddy over the prospect of Donald Trump and Ted Cruz joining forces in Cleveland and taking on Hillary Clinton in the general election this fall. “A Trump-Cruz combo is guaranteed to win us at least one state in the general election, and possibly even two,” says a Republican party operative who asked not to be identified so he could talk candidly about campaign strategy. “Let Hillary Clinton and whoever she’s running with take 48, maybe 49 states. With our two leading candidates joining forces, we’ll get a state—and maybe two. And they could be big ones.” More.

Neurosurgeon: ‘Donald Trump Really Does Have Big, Beautiful Brain’

brainsMayo Clinic neurosurgeon Ronald Madison has studied the brain of Republican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump and says it really is a “big, beautiful” specimen of human’s most important organ. “When Donald Trump compliments his own brain, he does so on good grounds,” says Madison, who studied Trump’s brain in 2013, when the real estate mogul went to the Mayo Clinic for tests. Madison says Trump was complaining of “low energy” and wanted to rule out anything neurological, so he arranged to have a battery of tests done. “What I found was, of all the brains I’ve seen, Trump’s was certainly one of the biggest and most beautiful ever,” he says. “It’s a very good brain.” More.

Babes Launch ‘Dudes For Hillary’ to Elevate Men’s ‘Voices’

dMen have strong political convictions; men have the right to vote. More importantly, though, men have abs and biceps. At first glance, you might gather that’s the message behind a growing Snapchat account, “Dudes For Hillary,” which proclaims to be “Making America Whole Again One Dude at A Time.” The account, that is run by women, houses dozens of images of conventionally attractive men baring it all in the name of supporting Hillary. More.

Why Kasich Happened

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People everywhere are asking, Why John Kasich? What are the changes sweeping the United States today that the governor of Ohio and one-time House Budget chair is consistently taking a fifth of the Republican electorate by storm? Will he continually take one out of every five Republican votes cast or can he be stopped? These are the questions being asked not just among Republican party elites but among all Americans who are wondering where this political mystery comes from and where he could possibly be taking the country. “Love him or hate him, John Kasich is changing the face of Republican politics for at least a fifth of Republican voters,” says Brad Lenderman, a Republican campaign consultant who previously worked with former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush. More.

Study: Trump, Like Saddam Hussein, Has ‘Dictator’s Finger’

coverIs Republican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump a dictator in the making? A report from the Massachusetts Institute of Technology suggests he is, based on a body-language analysis that finds he and former Iraq strongman Saddam Hussein, along with other strongmen throughout history, share a key oratorical gesture. The gesture is called “Dictator’s Finger,” because it’s seen only in people who believe they are infallible. “The moment we saw Donald Trump raise his index finger for the first time in a debate, we saw the connection with dictators throughout history,” says Nelson Pottsmann, professor of communications at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology and director of the MIT Center for Body Language and Non-Verbal Communication Studies. More.

Cruz: If We Don’t Act Fearful, the Terrorists Win

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SALT LAKE CITY—Texas Sen. Ted Cruz said the Islamic terrorists who killed more than 30 people and injured hundreds in Brussels earlier this week will walk away the victors if the United States doesn’t react with hysterics. “How can the United States make clear it’s the strongest nation on earth if we don’t get hysterical and overreact with bans on Muslims and threaten the carpet bombing of Muslims in Syria and elsewhere?” Cruz said here. Cruz was critical of President Obama for not changing his schedule to react with hysterics in the wake of the bombing. Obama is in Cuba on a long-planned trip as part of the two countries’ effort to normalize their relations with one another. More.

Aide: ‘Acting Presidential Will Kill the Trump Campaign’

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A high-ranking staff aide to Republican presidential nomination frontrunner Donald Trump says the candidate and his advisors have talked multiple times about him acting presidential on the campaign trail, but they know if he does, the millions of angry white Americans who support him will be disappointed and either back another candidate or not vote. “This is topic number one in our meetings,” says the aide, who asked not to be identified so he could speak candidly about internal deliberations. “We have guys who are adamant that Trump learn the issues, get familiar with the complexities of the world and also behave like a normal candidate at his rallies. Then we have others who say he should absolutely not do that. Right now, the ‘don’t act presidential’ camp is winning.” More.

A Bald Trump is a Weak Trump: Inside the Secret Plan to Take Out The Donald

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When Paul Ryan, the speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives, met with concerned Republican donors and officials last week to talk about the party’s Trump problem, there was consensus that more needed to be done to stop the billionaire from marching to Cleveland with an insurmountable claim to the presidential nomination. But there was no consensus on what to do—until the last 10 minutes of the meeting, according to a party official who spoke on the condition of anonymity. In a last-gasp effort to put the brakes on the Trump train, the group concluded a covert mission was needed to separate Trump from his beloved combover—and let his vulnerability shine out for all to see. More.

Rubio: Should Have Hit the Genitalia Thing Longer and Harder

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Fla. Sen. Marco Rubio said yesterday his biggest mistake was waiting too long and going too soft on Republican nomination frontrunner Donald Trump’s genitalia. “Had I brought out the genitalia attack in early February, when it would have had the most impact, I could have dented Trump’s momentum and carried far more Super Tuesday states than just Minnesota,” he said. Rubio spoke with reporters after his announcement last night that he was ending his campaign for president. Rubio also said he should have hit the genitalia issue harder. “It wasn’t enough to allude to the fact that Trump had small genitalia,” he said. “I underestimated how important a line of argument that was. The situation called for a full frontal assault on his finger length, which would have suggested more than just his fingers were short. But you can’t turn back time. It is what it is.” More.

McConnell: Moderate Supreme Court Pick Shows How Radical Obama Is

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The judge picked to replace Antonin Scalia on the nation’s highest court, Merrick Garland, couldn’t make it more clear that President Obama is intentionally trying to change the country into something most Americans wouldn’t recognize, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said yesterday. “To come forward at this time with a distinguished judge who has been praised by both Republicans and Democrats for his professionalism and meticulous respect for the law exposes Obama for what he is,” said McConnell (R-Ky.). “There should no longer be any question that Obama intends to drive his agenda as far as he can in his remaining months in office, and we need to stop that before he leaves our country permanently changed.” More.

Worry in Trump Camp About Losing Home State New York

commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Donald_Trump_presidential_campaign,_2016#/media/File:Trump_rally_in_Mesa,_Arizona.jpgAfter delivering a huge loss to Marco Rubio in his home state of Florida, Republican nomination frontrunner Donald Trump and his campaign team are secretly worried about Trump losing his own home state of New York, when it holds its Republican primary on April 19. “Truth be told, Donald Trump is not that popular in New York,” says a campaign official who asked not to be identified. “He’s burned a lot of bridges in New York City, made a lot of people mad, and outside of the city, he’s just not that well liked.” More.

Trump OK Being Denied Nomination as Long as His Wine, Steaks are Served at Inaugural Balls

steaksRepublican nomination frontrunner Donald Trump said last night on CNN he’ll go quietly if party leaders sabotage his nomination at the convention this summer in Cleveland as long as his products are served at the inaugural balls should the Republican win in November. “Everyone knows I’ve got the best wine, the best steaks you can have,” Trump said last night in his CNN interview. “My hotel in Washington, in the historic Post Office, will be ready by the inauguration and I want it to be used as well.” Trump said he’s even starting a security company, Trump Security, and he would expect that to be used to provide security throughout Washington during the festivities. More.

Trump to Launch ‘Trump Security’ to Capitalize on Increased Violence

ytRepublican presidential nomination frontrunner Donald Trump said he was directing the executive vice president of his company, The Trump Organization, to launch a new company, Trump Security, as soon as possible to take advantage of the growing violence at his rallies and in other aspects of American life. “We’re just getting to be a very violent country and that means we need more security,” Trump said last night in an interview on CNN. “It’s terrible. It’s unfortunate. There are a lot of bad people out there. But it presents an opportunity, too, and that’s what makes me a good businessman. When I see an opportunity, I take it. And there’s an opportunity here to sell good, effective security services, and no one will provide better security than Trump Security, I can promise you.” More.

Trump to Pick Daughter Ivanka to Be Vice Presidential Running Mate

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Republican presidentlal nomination frontrunner Donald Trump is planning to name his daughter, Ivanka Trump, to be his vice presidential running mate, according to Trump campaign officials who have worked on the matter. “It’s an unorthodox pick, but Donald knows the public loves his daughter and so he believes the two of them will make an unbeatable team in the general election,” says a campaign official who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “Ivanka’s favorable ratings are far higher than her father’s, so there’s a feeling that she’ll lift him up in states he’s lagging in.” There are other names on Trump’s list, but the official said it’s unlikely to be anyone other than Ivanka. More.

Young People, Searching for Dignity, Opt for Pro Wrestling Over Politics

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Fewer young Americans are getting into politics, a study has found, and that has lawmakers concerned for the nation’s future. “A healthy democracy relies on a steady flow of young people into politics to tackle our country’s pressing problems,” says Mary Benneto, professor of political science at the Kennedy School of Government at Harvard University and the lead researcher on the study. “The findings we release today are a wake-up call that our nation’s increasingly negative political environment is driving away our best and brightest.” One profession in which the trend line is moving in a positive direction is professional wrestling. The study found a 15 percent increase in the number of young people going into careers in the pro wrestling industry over the last three years. That increase is almost an exact mirror of the decrease in new entrants to politics, which has seen a 16 percent decline in the same time period. More.

Aryans on Trump: ‘Can’t Believe Our Good Fortune’

ts2It’s been Christmas non-stop for the members of Aryan organizations since Donald Trump assumed the lead in the Republican presidential contest. And even if Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas ultimately ends up winning the nomination, members of white supremacist groups say, the boost to their causes has all of them making big plans for the future. “A year ago our groups had few members, few resources, and institutional timidity that would have disappointed the Führer,” says Jack Prest, the Commandant of the Council of Aryan Organizations of North America. “We’d sit around all day, posting pictures, trolling blogs, holding contests for best looking white Christian women. It was hardly what we expected to be doing when we joined our groups.  More.

Voters Bemoan Only 9 Months Left in Presidential Campaign

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The race for the U.S. presidency, with only seven months left to go, already has voters concerned that so little time is left to watch more debates, candidate speeches, and voting results. “I just don’t see how anyone can really get a sense of who will be the best president by November,” says Clarence Smythe, an accountant in Tucson, Ariz. “Unless we see Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, and the others exchange more insults, trying to decide who will be best in the White House isn’t realistic.” Lisa Caldwell, a part-time teacher’s aide in Lansing, Mich., would agree. “Can we really know if Donald Trump has the temperament to be president if we don’t get more occasions to hear him call Ted Cruz ‘Lying Ted?'” More.

Actually, Hillary Has the Longest Fingers

IF2Boasts and counter-boasts about who among the remaining U.S. presidential candidates has the longest fingers, and therefore the most impressive endowment, took an unexpected turn when it was revealed that Democratic nomination front-runner Hillary Clinton has the longest fingers of them all. “Donald Trump might think he has his competition beat when it comes to the length of his fingers, but he might want to get out his ruler again because no one’s got an endowment like Hillary Clinton, if the length of her fingers is any guide,” says political consultant John Mayberry, who spoke this morning on CBS News. “I think this might give us some insight into who the real man in this campaign is.” More.

Only Two Allies Have Sought to Ban Trump From Their Countries

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The Mexican legislature received a petition yesterday from Mexico City to block Donald Trump, the leader for the Republican presidential nomination, from entering their country in retaliation for his proposal to build a border wall that Mexico must pay for. José de Jesús Zambrano, the speaker of the Chamber of Deputies, Mexico’s equivalent to the U.S. House of Representatives, said in a statement he would consider taking up the proposal. “The United States is an important country, our largest trading partner, so taking up such a petition has far-raching implications for the Mexican people,” he said. “I will consider it carefully.” More.

Rubio Assumes Opponents Also Love America

Proud pin wearer

Fla. Sen. Marco Rubio says he’s sure his opponents love America but he’s surprised they choose not to wear a pin of the U.S. flag on their clothing. “Not that I question the patriotism of any of my opponents, but frankly I can’t remember the last time I saw Ted Cruz wear a lapel pin, or even Hillary Clinton or Bernie Sanders for that matter,” Rubio said at a campaign stop yesterday in Norfolk, Va. “Don’t these people love America? I’m convinced they do, but you have to wonder why they’re not proud to wear a flag pin, even if it’s just one.” More.

Kasich: ‘As Long as I Have the Rush Vote, I’m Staying In’

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The Republican party establishment, desperate to prevent Donald Trump from walking away with the presidential nomination, has repeatedly asked Ohio Gov. John Kasich to leave the race. But Kasich, despite his mostly lackluster performance, says he has a stash of secret support from a large and important constituency and he doesn’t want to see that bloc of voters left without a champion. “I owe it to Rush fans all over the United States to stay in the race and make sure their values are represented on the campaign trail and reflected in the party platform when the Republicans meet in July for the convention—which, by the way, is in my home state,” says Kasich. More.

Chris Christie Announces Bid to Be Trump’s Vice President

gsNew Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, who withdrew from the Republican presidential nomination contest earlier this month after several lackluster finishes, announced today that he was running for vice president instead. “Donald Trump will be the presidential nominee and I intend to be by his side as vice president,” he said at his announcement, which he made with Trump by his side. “I see where things are heading with the nomination and I can serve two functions by being his vice president pick. One, I can stay in the game, which helps me, and two, I can stand as a credible, responsible partner to ease people’s minds that Trump is too unpredictable to be president, and that helps him.” More.

Trump: ‘It’s the Stupidity, Stupid!’

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Deep in the bowels of Trump Tower in New York City, where the operations center for the Trump presidential campaign is located, there’s a sign on the wall. Campaign staffers hustle about the office and look at it occasionally, reminding themselves what this election is all about: the stupidity of the American people. Casey Lebowski, Trump’s campaign manager, says he likes to refer to the sign periodically to help him get back on track when the daily problems of any campaign—logistics, airplane trouble, a shipment of signs showing up at the wrong place—get him down. More.

Poll: Americans Want a Liar, Xenophobe, Racist, Misogynist, Birther, and Bully for President

poll2Why is real estate mogul Donald Trump doing so well in his bid to become the Republican presidential nominee? The results of a poll released yesterday by The Washington Post and the University of Virginia might have one explanation: a majority of Americans say they want the president of the United States to be a liar, xenophobe, racist, misogynist, birther, and bully. “If America had a liar, xenophobe, racist, misogynist, birther, and bully for president, we would be great again,” one respondent said in the poll. “We don’t have anyone like that right now, and America is going to hell in a hand basket.” More.

Rubio: ‘As Soon as I Win Something, You’ll See Why I’m Going to Win’

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RENO, Nev.—Florida Sen. Marco Rubio, who has finished third, fifth, and second in the three presidential nominating contests so far, says he’s clearly the mainstream favorite to win the Republican nomination, and that will become clear once he wins a contest. “If there’s any doubt I am the one alternative to Donald Trump, wait until I win a primary or a caucus,” he said this morning in Nevada, which holds the next contest for Republicans. Rubio says he doesn’t expect to win in Nevada, which, if true, means he’ll have won none of the four states that vote before Super Tuesday. “But “I will win something, someday, and when I do, there will be no doubt that I can win against Hillary Clinton in November,” he says. More.

Jeb: ‘Couldn’t Muster the Energy to Find My Glasses at the End’

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Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush said his energy level was so low by the time voting began in South Carolina that he couldn’t even bother to find his glasses after he had lost them. “What’s the point, you know?” says Bush, who dropped out of the race after the polls closed. “Why do I need to see when it’s clear no one wants to vote for me? Glasses on or off? Who the hell cares?” Bush was seen without his glasses for the last two weeks of campaigning in the state. Some analysts said he replaced his glasses with contacts to look more masculine, less bookish, but Bush says he just didn’t have the juice to look for his glasses. “They’re usually on the nightstand next to the bed.” he says. “About two weeks ago I must have left them in the bathroom, and I just didn’t have the energy to go look for them. More.

New Book: Mitch McConnell Wasn’t Always Beat Up as a Kid

mmAs a boy growing up in Alabama, Georgia, and then Kentucky, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell would occasionally go a week or two without getting beat up by other kids, a book released this week claims. “Not every week was ‘beat up Mitch McConnell week,’ Rex Doane says in Mitch McConnell: Little Snively Punching Bag (Knobe: 2016), “but most weeks were. McConnell usually had a cut lip, bent glasses, or bandaged nose, and on a typical weekend he could be found cowering under his kitchen table when one of his classmates walked by his front yard.” McConnell has come a long way since then, and Doane, in his detailed account, paints a portrait of a man’s journey from punching bag to the lawmaker who uses his position as leader of the United States Senate to block as much of the legislative agenda of President Barack Obama as he can.” More.

Game Animals Refuse to Mourn Scalia’s Death

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The American Association of Game Animals released a statement today calling Antonin Scalia a “titan” of American jurisprudence, but because the Supreme Court justice, who died earlier this week, was an avid hunter, the group does not mourn his death. “Had Justice Scalia engaged in a hobby that did not involve the hunting and shooting of birds and anaimals, we would be as saddened by his death as anyone,” the group said in its statement. “But because his hobby involved the hunting and shooting of birds and animals, we instead breathe a sigh of relief that there is one less person in this country who will be coming after us with rifle in hand with the sole purpose of felling us to the ground.” More.

Voters Stunned to Learn Rand Paul’s Withdrawal Hasn’t Dimmed Spotlight for Canadian Rockers Rush

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Just when they thought it was safe to go to presidential campaign events without having to listen to the Canadian band Rush, voters have learned that Rand Paul, the libertarian candidate who recently dropped out of the race, isn’t the only fan of the band. Ohio Gov. John Kasich is also a fan, which means the piercing screech of Geddy Lee and the tin-can thumping of Neil Peart once again threaten to send property values down around 1600 Pennsylvania Ave. in Washington. “Please, tell me this isn’t true,” says Jim Robinson, 40, an attorney in Carson City, Nev., who was interested in voting for Rand Paul but decided he could never vote for anyone who quoted Rush lyrics at campaign events. More.

Rubio Promises to Roll Out Fresh Sound Bites After New Hampshire Debacle

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Stung by remarks that he had over-used his sound bites criticizing President Obama during last week’s Republican nomination debate in New Hampshire, Florida Sen. Marco Rubio says his team is developing a whole new set of lines he can use in the next phase of the nomination process. “I will have fresh things to say shortly, I can promise you that,” says Rubio, who had surged to second in the polls after his strong Iowa showing but has since dropped to fourth after New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie attacked him for his repeated use of the same sound bites during their last debate. More.

John Kasich? We Were Voting For His Wife, Voters Say

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John Kasich finally broke through the crowd in the Republican presidential race earlier this week with his second-place finish in New Hampshire, but a detailed look at exit polls shows that it’s his wife, Kathy, that voters want in the White House. “John Kasich is okay, I think, especially given the rest of the GOP crowd, but his wife, now she’s a person that would make a great president,” says Jane Reynolds, a school teacher in Portsmouth, N.H. “Smart, articulate, and knows the business world—yep, she has it all. And she’s better looking than that woman who just dropped out. Carla Farina? Cari Ferraro? I can never remember her name.” “Can I look at Kathy Kasich for the next four years on nightly television as our First Lady?” asks Bill Jones, a retired engineer. More.

Former Secretary of State Clinton Revealed as Sanders Foreign Policy Advisor

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After months of taking hits for not disclosing the identity of the foreign policy expert advising him, Democratic presidential contender Bernie Sanders said today his go-to person is former secretary of state Hillary Clinton. “Secretary Clinton has been an invaluable member of my team,” says Sanders, senator of Vermont who’s been surging in the polls since winning the New Hampshire primary. “She has shared her experience to help me understand the nuances of Middle East politics, South Asia power struggles, and the challenges of keeping Russian aggression in check.” More.

Clinton: ‘Iowa, New Hampshire Prove My Electability’

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Hillary Clinton said she remains the overwhelming favorite to be the Democratic presidential nominee despite suffering a big loss to Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders in New Hampshire and coming in a virtual tie with him in Iowa. “Iowa and New Hampshire are very different states, and the fact that Sanders almost beat me in one and did beat me in the other means I remain well on the road to leading the Democrats in the general election against the Republicans,” Clinton said as she flew to South Carolina, which holds the next primary in about a week and a half. Barack Obama won the state when he ran against Clinton for the Democratic nomination in the 2008 election. More.

Hillary Clinton: ‘I Have a Pipe Dream’

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PORTSMOUTH, N.H.—In what is sure to be remembered as an iconic moment of the 2016 presidential campaign, Hillary Clinton, the former first lady and secretary of state, stood on the steps of the Rockingham County courthouse before several dozen people and said, “I have a pipe dream.” Despite the cold and a fussy baby who kept throwing an object out of her carriage, Clinton challenged the nation to set aside its differences and let her enact her five-point plan to “take the United States to the next level” as the country’s president. “Point one, we need to lower the cost of college,” she said. “Point two, hard-working families need affordable day care. Point three, we must protect and build on Obamacare, not dismantle it and start from scratch. More.

Misogynist: ‘I’d Vote for Sanders But I’m an Anti-semite’

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Man_and_woman_silhouettes.jpgTed Barnes, a misogynist who can’t bring himself to vote for former secretary of state Hillary Clinton, says he’d like to vote for Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders but he’s also an anti-semitie. “I’m really in a tough place this election,” says Barnes, 42, of Las Vegas, Nev. “The Democrats have got me so boxed in that I’m actually looking over at the Republican side to see what they offer.” Barnes, a big union guy, says he’s a lifelong Democrat. “Who is better for the unions, Clinton or Sanders? I’m not sure,” he says. “But it doesn’t matter, because I don’t want a woman in the White House and I don’t want a Jew in the White House. I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do.” More.

Anti-semite: ‘I’d Vote for Clinton But I’m a Misogynist’

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Bill Norton of Charleston, S.C., says he’d like to vote for Hillary Clinton because his anti-semitism keeps him from voting for Vermont Sen. Bernie Sanders, who is Jewish, but he can’t vote for Hillary because he’s a misogynist. “The Democrats have really left me with no choice but to vote Republican or not vote at all,” says the 59-year-old machine shop supervisor. “Of course, my racism makes it impossible for me to support Ben Carson, although I like his godliness. And my dislike of other minorities keeps me from supporting Ted Cruz or Marco Rubio.” Ben Carson is the retired neurosurgeon who led polls earlier in the race but has attracted little support since voting began. More.

Bernie Sanders Goes Shirtless in ‘Shameless’ Grab for Women Voters

bb1A trove of pictures showing a shirtless Bernie Sanders on the beach are making the rounds online, giving the 75-year-old Democratic nomination contender a big lift in the polls, especially in the key battleground state of Florida. And the Hillary Clinton campaign is crying foul. “We didn’t think Sanders would stoop so low to pull away older women voters who’ve always been among Hillary Clinton’s core supporters, but he did, and we’re calling him out on it,” says Meg Smith, the Clinton campaign’s Florida coordinator. “Bernie, put your shirt back on!” More.

Explosive Report: Rubio, Cruz Attended Birthday Party With Castro as Kids

bpartyTwo leading contenders for the Republican presidential nomination were childhood “pals” with Fidel Castro in Cuba and even attended the communist revolutionary’s twenty-sixth birthday party at his home in Havana, a report about to be released discloses. The two candidates are Sen. Marco Rubio of Florida and Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas, both of whom are of Cuban descent and who’ve criticized the communist government in Cuba and warned President Barack Obama about moving too quickly in opening diplomatic and commercial relations with the struggling country off the southern coast of Florida. More.

How Santorum Will Win the Republican Nomination and the Presidency

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Political analysts are giving former Pennsylvania senator Rick Santorum, who has less tan 1 percent support in most national polls, virtually no chance at winning the Republican presidential nomination contest, let alone the presidency of the United States. But several political insiders say all the pieces are in place for the second-time presidential hopeful to surge into the lead and win the general election in November. “What people don’t understand is that Santorum has a plan,” says Bill Davis, a Republican political strategist who is familiar with Santorum’s campaign operation but is not aligned with it. “His team has put together a 3-step plan that will in fact take him all the way to the White House.” More.

Memo to Carly Fiorina: Actually, No One Wants to See You Debate Hillary

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For some reason, Republican presidential nominaton contestant Carly Fiorina thinks everyone in the United States wants to see her debate Hillary Clinton when the presidential race moves into the general election. Apparently, Fiorina thinks because she’s a woman and Clinton is a woman, people want to see the debate. But, actually, no one wants to see them debate and in fact most people don’t even care that Fiorina is runninge”As far as I can tell, the only person who wants to see Hillary and Fiorina debate is Fiorina,” says John Stewart, a Republican political consultant who is not aligned with any candidate. More.

Trump, Cruz Battle Over Who’s Bigger Asshole

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Donald_Trump_by_Gage_Skidmore_3.jpgRepublican presidential nomination frontrunner Donald Trump said last night in the latest national primary debate that he is the biggest asshole among contenders to lead the United States. But Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas), who has been closing in on Trump in many national polls, said that he’s the biggest asshole. “You’re the loudest, Donald, but when it comes to promoting policies that marginalize the most people and give the greatest advantage to wealthy white people, I think I can say I have a record of accomplishment on that,” Cruz said last night in one of the largest applaud lines of the night. More.

Marla Maples: Despite Wealth, Donald Trump Is Not Well-Endowed

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Marla Maples, the former wife of Republican presidential nomination frontrunner Donald Trump, says her former husband is endowed with wealth and a go-getter personality, but he is not well-endowed in the one aspect of his life he would like to be, and she thinks that this inadequacy is driving his presidential run. “Do I think he feels small in that respect?” asked the one-time actress who was Trump’s wife from 1993 to 1997 and was known as the “other woman” when Trump was married to Ivana Trump. They had one daughter between them, Tiffany Trump, who today is known for her enthusiastic use of Instagram. More.

Clearly Undoctored Photos Show Obama Romping With Young Women

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Miniskirts#/media/File:Miniskirts010.jpg https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Miniskirts#/media/File:Olympia_Fashion_Show_2010_(43).jpg https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Miniskirts#/media/File:Shenaz_Treasuryvala,_Pooja_Gujral,_Kavi_Shastri_at_the_launch_of_%27Main_Aur_Mr._Riight%27_(7).jpgWASHINGTON—The Republican National Committee is sending shockwaves through the United States by releasing clearly undoctored photos of President Barack Obama romping with young, scantily clad women in the Oval Office. “It is with a heavy heart that we release these genuine and authentic photos depicting our president acting in a way that can only be described as unpresidential,” RNC Chairman Reince Priebus said at a hastily called press conference today. More.

Trump’s Combover in U.S. Illegally, Agency Alleges

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The iconic combover of real estate billionaire and 2016 presidential aspirant Donald Trump is under investigation by U.S. immigration authorities on suspicion of being in the United States illegally. “We can only confirm that the combover of Donald Trump is a thing of interest to the United States concerning its immigration status and beyond that we have no comment,” John Goodman, director of fraud detection and national security for the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS), says in statement released by the agency today. April Sayers, a spokesperson for Trump, calls the allegation ridiculous. “Mr. Trump eagerly awaits the agency’s report and certainly expects his hair to be exonerated,” she says. More.

Slipping in Polls, Rand Paul Advised to Stop Playing Rush

Message for today?

Poll numbers have been slipping for U.S. Republican presidential aspirant Sen. Rand Paul (Ky.) since he announced he candidacy in April and one of his top advisors is pointing the finger at Rush, the Canadian progressive rock trio whose libertarian-themed lyrics have made them a long-time favorite of Paul’s. “As an individual, Rand Paul can listen to any music he wants,” says Chip Englander, the candidate’s campaign manager and one of his top strategists. “It’s not for me to weigh in on someone’s taste in music, no matter how horrible. But as a candidate trying to build a base of support, Rand Paul is doing himself no favors playing music that causes his base of support to run away, screaming ‘Make it stop!’ We’re telling him he can’t go on listening to this music.” More.

Church-vs.-State Battle Brews as GOP Nominates God for President

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The Republican party has set up a clash of biblical proportions by nominating God to be its presidential candidate in the 2016 U.S. elections. The nomination, which comes unusually early in the election cycle, puts religion at the front of debate by opening up a host of Constitutional questions should God become president. “Does God’s law supersede Constitutional law? Does His commandments automatically trump Supreme Court rulings? Would the bible replace the Constitution? There are just a lot of unanswered questions this unprecedented moves raises, so we’re really going into unchartered territory,” says Gary Turner, a Constitutional scholar at the University of Chicago. More.

Rick Perry Wowing Critics With His New Intelligence

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Texas Governor Rick Perry has endured a considerable amount of ribbing in the media for trying to give himself an intellectual look with his new glasses. But pundits and policy analysts say the glasses are more than just a cosmetic change; they say Perry’s IQ has actually increased, making him a formidable candidate for the Republican presidential nomination in 2016 if he decides to run. “I asked Rick Perry what three federal agencies he wants to eliminate should he be elected president and he rattled them off like nothing,” says Charles Boyer, an analyst with the Hudson Institute in Washington. “Commerce, Education, and Energy. Boom. He nailed them.” Perry was considered the frontrunner for the Republican presidential nomination in the 2012 race but a series of nationally televised gaffes, including his flubbed answer on the federal agencies he wanted to eliminate, quickly deflated his standing and former Massachusetts governor Mitt Romney went on to win the nomination. More.

With His Tousled Hair, Rand Paul Can’t Get Elected President

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For all his popularity with tea party conservatives and libertarians, Sen. Rand Paul of Kentucky will never be able to establish enough trust with American voters to win the presidency, should he run, because of his tousled hair, psychologists and campaign strategists say. “Rand Paul’s tousled hair is not presidential, it’s not masculine,” says Ronald Friedman, a psychologist at Columbia University who has looked extensively at what people’s hair styles say about them. “Even worse, Paul uses a styling gel to get his tousled look, so he faces a double hit with voters. Not only do voters see tousled hair as a lack of strength, but his use of gel makes him seem vain. So, it’s not a good combination.” More.

Bobby Jindal Will Never Be U.S. President

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Despite being the governor of Louisiana, the vice chair of the Republican Governors Association, and a politician harboring national ambitions, Bobby Jindal will never be president of the United States. “Gov. Jindel has been running for president since 1971, but if he carries even three states in the 2016 primaries, it’ll be a miracle,” says Norman Mills, a Republican political consultant who most recently worked on former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney’s unsuccessful 2012 presidential bid. “No one knows anything about Bobby Jidnel except that he’s Indian, is governor of some state or other, and that he pretends to be conservative.” “Gov. Jendal? Jindle? Jundel?” That’s a typical reaction of a potential voter here in Des Moines, Iowa, where any potential 2016 presidential candidate has to pass muster to become a serious presidential contender. More.

Ted Cruz, Scary American, Will Never Be President

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Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas), the Canadian born firebrand of conservative politics, is a favorite of many Republicans, thanks to his strong social and fiscal conservatism, but, as a very scary man, he will never be elected president of the United States. “I like Sen. Cruz in the same way that I like movies about self-hating megalomaniacs, but I could never vote for him as president,” says Dave Laver, a Republican in Ohio, a key swing state. Cruz was very much a liberal in his youth, say people who knew him, and he was scary back then, too, but he applied his scariness in a liberal rather than conservative direction. More.

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