China Releases 5-Year Plan for World Domination

chinaBEIJING—China this week released its plan to dominate the world by 2020 and also host a summit on the overfishing of red herring in the South Sea. “This is China’s century and we are determined to assert our interests globally in accordance with our stature as the one true superpower,” Chinese President Xi Jinping said in a news conference here yesterday.

China is the world’s largest country by population, with 1.36 million people, not counting ethnic Uighurs, and the world’s second largest economy, with a gross domestic product of $16.1 trillion. That is about $1 trillion less than the United States, although that gap is expected to close within the next 18 months because of America’s declining productivity and “black president,” the plan says.

The plan marks a departure from plans released by the government as recently as 20 years ago, when the country was mired in poverty and “just trying to figure out how to feed so many frickin’ mouths,” Xi Jinping says in this report’s introduction.

Analysts credit the country’s success over the last 20 years to the economic reforms of Deng Xiaoping in the 1970s and the normalizing of relationships with the West in the 1990s, culminating in the United States granting “most favored nation” trade status to the Chinese in 1994. “The Chinese did a brilliant job of getting a lot out of the United States in terms of trade while giving little in return,” says Nigel Porter of the World Institute in London, a foreign affairs consultancy. “It was a great bit of negotiating on the part of the United States—not!”

According to the plan, the Chinese expect to steal enough technology from western companies and governments in the next five years to launch world-beating companies in several critical industries, including defense, medicine, computing, transportation, and musical instruments.

Culturally, the Chinese plan to float several pilot ideas for TV shows on the BBC, ABC, CBS, NBC, and Fox as a way to “promote the Chinese way of life to the West and the superiority of the Chinese government and of its aircraft carriers.”

In his introduction, Xinping says his country’s goal is to be a good partner with other countries and that it hopes to buy California from the Americans because newly wealthy Chinese would like to get their hands on the vineyards in the northern part of the state. “Our people would also like to buy London,” Xinping says.

As for other countries, the report calls India “an embarrassment” because of its uneven economic growth and overuse of ground Turmeric in its cooking, “which is gross,” and it calls Russia “a pain in the ass” that it’s happy to let the Americans deal with. The plan also says it’s happy to let the Americans deal with the MIddle East and Northern Africa, which it calls “big clusterfucks,” but that it wants to deal with Germany, “because it still has money,” and with Latin America, “because it still has natural resource.” Japan, it said, is toast.

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In a nod to China’s friendly approach to world relations, Xinping thanked the United States for bankrupting itself trying to be the world’s policeman while it concentrated on its economic development and it paid a backhanded compliment to the Americans by acknowledging that their country still has the best looking women, although he expects that to change soon given the country’s obesity epidemic. As for other countries, he says he really likes German cars, particularly the new Audi RS7, and that France has the good restaurants, of course, but he agrees with the Americans that the people there can be harsh to foreigners. He also says he would like to see Cuba opened up because China is developing a taste for good cigars, and he likes Canada because it’s quiet. Australia is “awesome” because of its “beaches and women, and also because of its women and beaches,” and he respects the Nordic countries like Finland, Denmark, and Sweden, because “they’re smart and well-governed,” which could pose problems for China during its reign as chief country of the world. “I’m hoping we do not have to ruin them like we ruined the United States, but I don’t want to take anything off the table,” he says.

In summary, “It is good to be Chinese in 2015 and it will be better to be Chinese in 2020, when we dominate the world,” Xinping says. “We have had to repress tens of millions of our people to get here, but now that we are here, we are ready to enjoy our success, although that does not extend to ethnic Uighurs.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): tnn (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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