BEIJING—China this week released its plan to dominate the world by 2020 and also host a summit on the overfishing of red herring in the South Sea. “This is China’s century and we are determined to assert our interests globally in accordance with our stature as the one true superpower,” Chinese President Xi Jinping said in a news conference here yesterday.
China is the world’s largest country by population, with 1.36 million people, not counting ethnic Uighurs, and the world’s second largest economy, with a gross domestic product of $16.1 trillion. That is about $1 trillion less than the United States, although that gap is expected to close within the next 18 months because of America’s declining productivity and “black president,” the plan says.
The plan marks a departure from plans released by the government as recently as 20 years ago, when the country was mired in poverty and “just trying to figure out how to feed so many frickin’ mouths,” Xi Jinping says in this report’s introduction.
Analysts credit the country’s success over the last 20 years to the economic reforms of Deng Xiaoping in the 1970s and the normalizing of relationships with the West in the 1990s, culminating in the United States granting “most favored nation” trade status to the Chinese in 1994. “The Chinese did a brilliant job of getting a lot out of the United States in terms of trade while giving little in return,” says Nigel Porter of the World Institute in London, a foreign affairs consultancy. “It was a great bit of negotiating on the part of the United States—not!”
According to the plan, the Chinese expect to steal enough technology from western companies and governments in the next five years to launch world-beating companies in several critical industries, including defense, medicine, computing, transportation, and musical instruments.
Culturally, the Chinese plan to float several pilot ideas for TV shows on the BBC, ABC, CBS, NBC, and Fox as a way to “promote the Chinese way of life to the West and the superiority of the Chinese government and of its aircraft carriers.”
In his introduction, Xinping says his country’s goal is to be a good partner with other countries and that it hopes to buy California from the Americans because newly wealthy Chinese would like to get their hands on the vineyards in the northern part of the state. “Our people would also like to buy London,” Xinping says.
As for other countries, the report calls India “an embarrassment” because of its uneven economic growth and overuse of ground Turmeric in its cooking, “which is gross,” and it calls Russia “a pain in the ass” that it’s happy to let the Americans deal with. The plan also says it’s happy to let the Americans deal with the MIddle East and Northern Africa, which it calls “big clusterfucks,” but that it wants to deal with Germany, “because it still has money,” and with Latin America, “because it still has natural resource.” Japan, it said, is toast.
In a nod to China’s friendly approach to world relations, Xinping thanked the United States for bankrupting itself trying to be the world’s policeman while it concentrated on its economic development and it paid a backhanded compliment to the Americans by acknowledging that their country still has the best looking women, although he expects that to change soon given the country’s obesity epidemic. As for other countries, he says he really likes German cars, particularly the new Audi RS7, and that France has the good restaurants, of course, but he agrees with the Americans that the people there can be harsh to foreigners. He also says he would like to see Cuba opened up because China is developing a taste for good cigars, and he likes Canada because it’s quiet. Australia is “awesome” because of its “beaches and women, and also because of its women and beaches,” and he respects the Nordic countries like Finland, Denmark, and Sweden, because “they’re smart and well-governed,” which could pose problems for China during its reign as chief country of the world. “I’m hoping we do not have to ruin them like we ruined the United States, but I don’t want to take anything off the table,” he says.
In summary, “It is good to be Chinese in 2015 and it will be better to be Chinese in 2020, when we dominate the world,” Xinping says. “We have had to repress tens of millions of our people to get here, but now that we are here, we are ready to enjoy our success, although that does not extend to ethnic Uighurs.”
This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): tnn (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
John Forrester made his name picking apart the weaknesses of George W. Bush and now he has put our next president, Donald Trump, under his knife with his new book, How to Play Trump Like a Fiddle: A Guide for Foreign Leaders. The book immediately rose to the top of The New York Times bestseller list, with rave reviews like this one, from Andrew McNair of The New Yorker: “Forrester expertly walks prime ministers, presidents, chancellors, and business leaders through the three basic steps that will all but guarantee you will get what you want from Donald Trump while making him think he made a good deal.” More.
Americans across the country took delight in watching President-elect Donald Trump give the world’s largest country a poke by speaking on the phone with the president of Taiwan, a breach of diplomatic protocol, and then tweeting snarky statements about China’s trade practices. “It feels good after so many years of watching China eat our lunch to see our president-elect give the country the ol’ Donald Trump treatment,” says Ronald Portman, a retired mechanic in St. Paul, Minn. “Ha ha.” More.
U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry wrapped up a week-long meeting with Chinese government and business leaders with a request for the Chinese to give back the millions of jobs American businesses shipped to them over the years. “We are not blaming you for taking them,” Kerry said in his departing statement, given at the American embassy in Beijing. “We gave them to you of our own free will, and you were free to take them. But we’d like to have them back now, and so if you wouldn’t mind returning them to us, we would appreciate it.” The United States has transferred some 15 million jobs to Chinese companies since China was granted Most Favored National (MFN) trade status in 1994, when Bill Clinton was president. Since that time, China has grown to have the second largest economy in the world and is on the verge of overtaking the United States in the size of its gross domestic product, although the country would still lag the U.S. in per-capita GDP. More.
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Saying “it just makes sense,” delegates from around the world overwhelmingly passed a resolution blaming all of the world’s woes on the United States. “Whereas the United States continues to have, albeit barely, the largest economy in the world, and
“Whereas the United States makes a lot of mistakes that everyone in the world knows about, and
“Whereas the United States has been involved in some capacity in all regions of the world for several decades, and
“Whereas the United States is in a state of decline and is clearly failing in all respects,
“We hereby resolve to levy blame for everything that is wrong in the world today on the United States of America. Happy New Year.” The vote was devastatingly lopsided, with delegates from 156 countries voting in favor and only one, the United Kingdom, voting against. Two countries, Canada and Israel, abstained. More.
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For the longest time I enjoyed going on walks with my master. He would give me a call, “Buster!” and when I came rollicking up, excited about what awaited us outside the walls of our house and outside the confines of our yard, he would attach my leash and off we would go. Sometimes we would go right, which I call the “Annie Poodle Route,” because Annie the Poodle lives down that way, and I always leave my calling card by the corner of her fence (along with a million other dogs!). And sometimes we would go left, which I call the “Fred the Mean Dog Route,” because Fred the Mean Dog lives down there, and you can be sure I don’t leave my calling card by his house! More.
House budget negotiators averted yet another showdown by meeting much of the federal government’s projected fiscal year 2015 spending gap with proceeds from the sale of phone data on U.S. citizens that the National Security Agency has been collecting since 2001 under the USA PATRIOT ACT. “We know NSA’s data collection has been controversial, but at least we were able to solve a very real problem with it, and that’s to get our fiscal house in order without resorting to showdown tactics and last-minute deals,” says House Budget Committee Chair Paul Ryan (R-Wis.). More.
Researchers at Oxford University have bestowed upon Canada the dubious distinction of being the most boring of the six countries that comprise what’s known as the Anglosphere: Australia, Canada, England, Ireland, New Zealand, and the United States. “We think it’s important that this matter be settled once and for all,” says lead researcher Nigel Clappe, lecturer in political science and demographics at Oxford University. “Up until this point, people have been identifying the most boring country based on nothing more than their own gut feeling. And that wasn’t helping anybody.” More.
Saying it’s impossible to be mad when you skip, United Nations Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon has called for leaders around the world to take up skipping, the “hippity-hoppity” gait that comes so naturally to children. “If you remember the last time you skipped, you will no doubt remember feeling frisky and carefree,” Ban said in a statement released today. The U.N. last week passed a referendum declaring the week of Dec. 18-25 World Skipping Week, which the international organization hopes will inspire people everywhere to skip rather than fight. More.
WASHINGTON—America’s super-secret National Security Agency (NSA) is responsible for the dreaded “Heartbleed” virus that has infected servers worldwide, according to documents leaked by former U.S. security contractor Edwin Snowden. The documents show that NSA developed Heartbleed as part of its massive MYSTIC anti-terrorism surveillance operation. The virus “enables security personnel to monitor Internet traffic flowing through half a million U.S. and European-based servers,” according to a highly classified briefing NSA officials made last summer to security experts at European intelligence agencies. The briefing was part of the large trove of classified documents on NSA surveillance passed along to news outlets last year by Snowden, who is living under asylum in Russia. More.
AKRON, Ohio—Touring a wire coat hanger factory in what was once a blighted industrial area here, President Barack Obama said the United States is returning to its roots as a manufacturing giant and he took a stab at critics who say the country risks losing more manufacturing jobs if a Trans-Pacific Partnership trade deal is passed. “Like this wire coat hanger I have in my hand, the United States is strong,” Obama said, speaking before the 75 employees of the Ace Wire Company. “Anyone who needs evidence that the United States can compete with anyone in the world just needs to look at the factory floor that surrounds me. Every day, more than 10,000 coat hangers are made here and distributed to dry cleaners and hotels throughout the United States and throughout the world. America is back!” More.
The world’s worst investor says he’s going all-in on California swimming pools, because with the state’s new water meters and water-use restrictions, swimming pools will become the “forbidden fruit” of the moneyed set. “Where does the 1 percent live? In California. What does the 1 percent want? Swimming pools,” says the world’s worst investor. The world’s worst investor says he “took a bath” on his last big investment idea, Texas gun locks. But he thinks he’s backing a winner this time. “You want to go where people are going, only go there sooner,” he says. “Right now, where are people going? They’re going to California to swim.” More.