Trump Names Tom Brady His Vice President Pick

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SIMI VALLEY, Calif.—Republican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump said last night he would name New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady his pick for vice president once he wins the nomination. “It’s going to take winners to turn this country around and Tom Brady is a winner, like me,” said Trump, who spoke shortly after the second Republican presidential nomination debate, hosted by CNN in this southern California suburban community. “Tom Brady wins on the football field and he wins in the court of law. I win in business and I win in politics. Together, we are a couple of winners and we’re going to make America a winner again.”

Brady, a four-time Super Bowl champion as the quarterback of the Patriots, said he was humbled by the confidence Trump has placed in him but he also believes he can bring “a couple of tricks to the game” that will help him and Trump win in November and also help the United States win in the four years they’re in office.

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“In football, I have a coach who taught me to use every trick in the book to win,” said Brady, referring to Bill Bellichick, who has coached the Patriots throughout Brady’s career with the team. “And off the field, I have a coach who’s shown by his success in business and in this presidential race that he’s got a lot of tricks up his sleeve as well and isn’t afraid to use them.”

Brady is widely considered the best quarterback in Pro Football and is a future inductee to the Pro Football Hall of Fame. Last year, he was found by the National Football League of at least being generally aware that the footballs he used against the Indianapolis Colts in the AFC championship game were inflated below what’s allowed by league rules. The Patriots were fined $1 million and he was suspended for the first four games of this season, but that suspension was overturned on appeal in U.S. District Court, which said the NFL’s process for fining Brady was not supported by its own rules.

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Melania Knauss-Trump

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Gisele Bündchen

Trump and Brady are golf buddies and both have attractive wives. Brady is married to Brazilian super model Gisele Bündchen and Trump is married to former German model Melania Knauss-Trump. Analysts say this could be the best-looking slate ever, although Trump himself isn’t considered particularly attractive and his hair, which he wears in an elaborate combover, is the brunt of late-night TV comedy.

“Get these two wives together—and Brady, too; he’s a good-looking guy—and watch the cameras go off,” Republican political consultant Jeffrey Brockner said last night on CNN. “Between Trump’s negotiating tactics, Brady’s tricks, and the girls’ camera-ready bodies, the United States will be in the winner’s circle for sure every year these guys are in office.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously.Photos (some modified): mkt, gb, gs, and tb (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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Gingrich Promises to Stick With Wife No. 3 If He’s Trump’s Vice President

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ATLANTA—Former House Speaker Newt Gingrich says he won’t leave his wife and marry for a fourth time if he’s chosen to be Donald Trump’s vice presidential running mate. “I know voters are wondering if I’m going to stay married to Callista, my current wife, given my history of marrying women I’ve had affairs with, but I want to reassure the American people that I’m sticking with my current wife,” Gingrich said at a press conference this morning. The former Georgia congressman has a checkered history when it comes to marriage. He married Jackie Battley in 1962, when he was 19 and she was 26. Unsubstantiated news reports claim Gingrich pressed her to sign divorce papers while she was in the hospital recovering from cancer surgery in 1981. Whether the stories are true or not, Gingrich has admitted that he was having an affair at the time with Marianne Ginther, whom he later married and then divorced, in 2000, when he was having an affair with Callista Bisek, a congressional aide. More.

Trump Promises Not to Brag If NRA OKs Gun Ban For Suspected Terrorists

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Presumptive Republican presidental nominee Donald Trump has called for a meeting with the National Rifle Association to discuss a gun ban for people on the government’s terrorist watch list, but he promises he won’t take credit if the NRA agrees with him and he achieves a policy goal others couldn’t achieve. “I’ll do something that no one thought could be done, but I don’t want your congrats, believe me,” Trump said at a campaign stop in Pennsylvania this morning. “If the NRA tells Congress it’s OK to impose a gun ban on suspected terrorists, I won’t talk about how I did the deal. I don’t need the credit. More.

Invoking Hate-speech Policy, Twitter Suspends Donald Trump’s Account

mexIn a move that’s sure to make to make it harder for Donald Trump to get his election message out, Twitter has suspended the account of the presumptive Republican presidential nominee for including banned hate speech in his tweets. “We take our responsibilities to foster respectful dialogue seriously,” Twitter Chief Enforcement Officer David Hearns says in a statement the company released this morning. “This was not a decision we made lightly, but we stand by our policy and did what we felt we had to under the circumstances.” Under the company’s hate-speech policy, accounts are suspended 60 days for tweets that . . . . More.

AP Stylebook: Trump Downgraded to ‘Millionaire’ in Journalistic References

apThe bible of the journalism profession, The Associated Press Stylebook, has downgraded Donald Trump to a “millionaire” because his “billionaire” claims cannot be verified. “We take our responsibilities as the official guide to journalists in the United States seriously, and we feel the only responsible course of action is to downgrade the status of Donald Trump from billionaire to millionaire until further notice,” says Alfred Whitehurst, editor-in-chief of the Stylebook. Under the reference to Trump in the latest edition, Trump is identified as, “Trump, Donald J., millionaire* real estate developer and 2016 presumptive Republican nominee for president of the United States.” More.

Trump Denies Changing Combover as Clinton Gains in Popularity

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Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump says he hasn’t started arranging his combover in a different way to reflect the surge in popularity of Hillary Clinton now that she has amassed enough delegates to be his Democratic opponent in the general election this fall. “Crooked Hillary will be in jail before she’s the Democratic nominee, so I can assure you I haven’t changed anything about my hair,” Trump said at a campaign stop in San Diego this morning. “I’ve been combing it the same way since I was 30 years old. And you know why? Because it’s perfect the way it is. Even the Mexicans love it. They wish they could have my hair. And maybe they can someday, if they behave themselves.” More.

Hillary Clinton: ‘Don’t Abuse Me Some More’

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A new ad campaign by Hillary Clinton called “Masochist” touts the willingness of the presumptive Democratic presidential candidate to go to the mat for the American people. “All my life I’ve fought for others,” Clinton says in the ad, “whether it was for children or embattled presidents or health care plans. Now I want to fight for all Americans. A big bully is stalking our country, and I’m ready to take him head on. He can come at me with everything he’s got. I don’t mind. If I can protect my country from this bully, no matter how much I get hurt, then I’m happy. I’m Hillary Clinton, and I don’t mind being punched in the face for you.” In another spot, called “Singin’ the Blues,” Clinton shows off her vocal range by singing about the knocks she’s taken over the years and hopes to take in the years ahead as president. More.

Publisher Promises Objectivity In Its Criticism of Hillary

nmsNEW YORK CITY—Dan Peeker, publisher of the National Midnight Star, said at a journalism conference here yesterday he won’t let his friendship with Donald Trump bias his coverage of the general election between Trump and Hillary Clinton. “Hillary’s dishonesty makes her a tempting target, but I can assure you all the stories we’ve pre-written about her flaws are objective,” says Peeker, 63. Peeker has been chairman and CEO of U.S. A. Publications, which owns the National Midnight Star, since 1990, and critics say he’s using his publication as a tool to help his golf buddy win the presidency. It was his tabloid that broke the April 3 story of Ted Cruz’s affairs with five prominent Republican political women, which hurt the Texas senator in Wisconsin, and it broke the April 19 piece about . . . More.

Woman Says She’s Trump’s Daughter; Seeks White House Bedroom

nwrIn a sensational claim, the supermarket tabloid Weekly National Report says a 50-year-old woman in Fayetteville, Ark., Dannielle Eggles, is the daughter of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump and she’s demanding a “White House bedroom” for her and her husband if he is elected president. “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I feel I must come forward because it’s time for my daddy to stop pretending I don’t exist,” Eggles said at a press conference in Fayetteville yesterday. Eggles, a clerk at Target, said she had resigned herself to living in the shadow of her famous father and her glamorous half brothers and sisters, but six months ago she and her husband, Ron Eggles, decided she could no longer do that. “We just thought it wasnt fair that Ivanka, Tiffany, Eric, Donald, Jr., and Barron all get to live the high life while we have to scrape our fingers to the bone just because daddy pretends I don’t exist.” More.

Trump Taps John Miller To Be His Chief Spokesperson

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Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump named John Miller his top press secretary today and said Miller will be his White House spokesperson should he win in November. “I’ve known John all my life and no one has my back the way he does,” Trump told reporters at a press conference. MIller, 69, who also goes by the name John Barron or John Baron, has served as spokesperson for the New York real estate mogul several times over the years and is known among reporters and editors as someone who knows Trump well. More.

Scientist: Election Will Finally Reveal How Many Racists Live in U.S.

bsWhether Republican or Democrat, many people across the country are dreading the presidential election between Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton this year. But there’s one group of Americans who are looking forward to November 8, when tens of millions of people go to the polls: Scientists. John Albertson, professor of demographics at the University of Pennsylvania, says the election provides a once-in-a-lifetime chance to see exactly how many racists are in the United States. “The one underlying trait that voters of Donald Trump will have in common is racism, so at least from a scientific perspective, we’re going to have an unprecedented opportunity to finally get a firm count on how many of them are in the country,” he says. More.

Trump Outlines Plans for a U.S. Department of Deportations

ddd Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump started fleshing out details of his administration should he win in November with release of a detailed plan for a U.S. Department of Deportations that he will create within his first 100 days in office. “We have 11 million illegal Mexicans to deport and 1.6 billion Muslims to keep out of our country, so it’s going to be a big department and it’s going to do things well,” Trump said yesterday at a press conference
in the lobby of his signature building in New York City, Trump Tower. Under the plan, the Department of Deportations will be a part of the U.S. Department of Homeland Security but it will have independent funding and its chief will be a presidential appointee. Trump said the department won’t require annual appropriations from Congress because it will generate its own funds through a levy on Mexican imports into the United States. More.

Clinton to Name Jerry Brown V.P. Pick; ‘He Can Step In After H.C. Indicted’

HCJBSACRAMENTO, Calif.–Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton today named California Gov. Jerry Brown her vice presidential running mate, saying the four-term governor has the experience and stature to take over as the presidential nominee after the FBI indicts her for using a personal email account to send and receive classified information while she was the U.S. secretary of state. “No one in the Democratic party today has the breadth and depth of experience that Jerry Brown has,” said Clinton, who spoke in a joint news conference with Brown after the two met for several hours in the state house here. “That will be important, because I’m expected to be indicted in about four weeks. More.

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BC3Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton fired an early general election shot by saying likely Republican nominee Donald Trump had “nothing going on” in his race for the presidency except the “bigot card.” “I think the only card he has is the bigot card,” she said in Terra Haute, Ind., where she was campaigning. The state holds its primary this week. “He’s got nothing else going on. Frankly, if Donald Trump wasn’t a bigot, I don’t think he would get 5 percent of the vote.” Trump responded by saying he’s a proud holder of the card. “If fighting for racists, xenophobes, and misogynists is playing the bigot card, then deal me in,” he said. More.

Hastert: ‘I’m Just One in a Long Line of Republican Hypocrites’

commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Dennis_Hastert#/media/File:US_Navy_061230-D-1142M-014_Former_First_Lady_Betty_Ford_attends_a_memorial_service_at_the_capitol.jpgDisgraced former Speaker of the House Denny Hastert says he’s ashamed of his behavior decades ago, when he acted inappropriately with underage boys as their teacher and coach in Yorkville, Ill. But he also defended himself, saying the Republican party has a long history of its members condemning people for marital infidelity and sexual “deviancy” while secretly engaging in the practices themselves. “Everyone knows the Republican party is full of closet homosexuals and serial marital cheaters even though it touts itself as the family-values party,” Hastert, 74, said after his admission in the U.S. District Court for the Northern District of Illinois, Eastern Division. “I can show you a list as long as my arm of Republicans in Congress who lie about their sexual identity and cheat on their spouses while condemning others for doing the same.” More.

Reince Priebus: ‘Death Threats are Part of the Fun’

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Republican National Committee Chairman Reince Priebus said yesterday on CNN that the death threats some delegates have received from supporters of Donald Trump are just “part of the fun” of this year’s rollicking nomination process. “No one’s really going to stick a gun barrel down your throat,” Priebus told CNN Correspondent Jamie Gangel on her news program. “When people tell delegates they ‘know where they live,’ that doesn’t mean they’re going to show up at their door while they’re eating their cereal. It just means they care passionately about the democratic process and love their country.” More.

Trump: ‘My Women Will Tell You I’m Not a Misogynist’

mnRepublican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump said today he’s not a misogynist and that “his women” will tell you that. “My wife Melania and my daughter Ivanka, just ask them,” said Trump. “They’ll tell you I’m no misogynist. And my other women—Marla and Ivana. They’ll tell you the same thing. All of my women, past and present, know I like women. In fact, I love women. I love them a lot.” Trump said “his women at work” also know he’s not a misogynist. “I give all of my women at The Trump Company opportunity. I give them responsibility. I don’t have to give them those things, but I do. Because my women are the best. In fact, I wouldn’t have anything but the best women.” More.

Dream Team: Trump-Cruz Are Sure to Win a State Against Hillary

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Republican party officials are giddy over the prospect of Donald Trump and Ted Cruz joining forces in Cleveland and taking on Hillary Clinton in the general election this fall. “A Trump-Cruz combo is guaranteed to win us at least one state in the general election, and possibly even two,” says a Republican party operative who asked not to be identified so he could talk candidly about campaign strategy. “Let Hillary Clinton and whoever she’s running with take 48, maybe 49 states. With our two leading candidates joining forces, we’ll get a state—and maybe two. And they could be big ones.” More.

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brainsMayo Clinic neurosurgeon Ronald Madison has studied the brain of Republican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump and says it really is a “big, beautiful” specimen of human’s most important organ. “When Donald Trump compliments his own brain, he does so on good grounds,” says Madison, who studied Trump’s brain in 2013, when the real estate mogul went to the Mayo Clinic for tests. Madison says Trump was complaining of “low energy” and wanted to rule out anything neurological, so he arranged to have a battery of tests done. “What I found was, of all the brains I’ve seen, Trump’s was certainly one of the biggest and most beautiful ever,” he says. “It’s a very good brain.” More.

5 Facts That Prove Ted Cruz Did Not Have Extramarital Affairs

a1Texas Sen. Ted Cruz has used the term “garbage” to describe the National Enquirer’s sensationalist claim that he had affairs with five women. But is “Lyin’ Ted” telling the truth, or does “Lyin’ Ted” refer to something other than his honesty? Whatever you think of Cruz, who remains the biggest challenger to front-runner Donald Trump for the Republican presidential nomination, there are five reasons why he could not have had the adulterous relationships he’s accused of having by the gossip tabloid. Here are 5 reasons Ted Cruz could not have had affairs with 5 women. More.

Why Kasich Happened

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People everywhere are asking, Why John Kasich? What are the changes sweeping the United States today that the governor of Ohio and one-time House Budget chair is consistently taking a fifth of the Republican electorate by storm? Will he continually take one out of every five Republican votes cast or can he be stopped? These are the questions being asked not just among Republican party elites but among all Americans who are wondering where this political mystery comes from and where he could possibly be taking the country. “Love him or hate him, John Kasich is changing the face of Republican politics for at least a fifth of Republican voters,” says Brad Lenderman, a Republican campaign consultant who previously worked with former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush. More.

Scandal! 5 Women Were Willing To Get Close Enough to Ted Cruz to Make Sex Allegations Plausible!

neAt least five women—that’s almost half a dozen—were not so physically repulsed by Texas Sen. Ted Cruz that they were able, and maybe even willing, to get close enough to the Republican presidential candidate that the National Enquirer could allege they had affairs with him. “No one would have thought this was possible,” says Darrell Thorne, professor of psychology at Columbia University. “Marco Rubio, yes. Some women think he’s kind of cute, and a mothering thing might kick in. More.

Cruz: If We Don’t Act Fearful, the Terrorists Win

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SALT LAKE CITY—Texas Sen. Ted Cruz said the Islamic terrorists who killed more than 30 people and injured hundreds in Brussels earlier this week will walk away the victors if the United States doesn’t react with hysterics. “How can the United States make clear it’s the strongest nation on earth if we don’t get hysterical and overreact with bans on Muslims and threaten the carpet bombing of Muslims in Syria and elsewhere?” Cruz said here. Cruz was critical of President Obama for not changing his schedule to react with hysterics in the wake of the bombing. Obama is in Cuba on a long-planned trip as part of the two countries’ effort to normalize their relations with one another. More.

Poll: Voters OK With a Little Bigotry in President

b chartAlmost 60 percent of Republicans say a little bigotry isn’t a “deal killer” in determining who gets their vote for president, and about that same percentage say “it’s not critical” the next president represent all Americans as long as “a good chunk” of Americans are represented, according to the results of the most recent Center for American Politics poll. The results suggest Republican party leaders and big-money donors face headwinds in their effort to deny the 2016 Republican presidential nomination to real estate mogul Donald Trump, who has been accused of making bigoted and other divisive remarks on the campaign trail. More.

Aide: ‘Acting Presidential Will Kill the Trump Campaign’

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A high-ranking staff aide to Republican presidential nomination frontrunner Donald Trump says the candidate and his advisors have talked multiple times about him acting presidential on the campaign trail, but they know if he does, the millions of angry white Americans who support him will be disappointed and either back another candidate or not vote. “This is topic number one in our meetings,” says the aide, who asked not to be identified so he could speak candidly about internal deliberations. “We have guys who are adamant that Trump learn the issues, get familiar with the complexities of the world and also behave like a normal candidate at his rallies. Then we have others who say he should absolutely not do that. Right now, the ‘don’t act presidential’ camp is winning.” More.

A Bald Trump is a Weak Trump: Inside the Secret Plan to Take Out The Donald

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When Paul Ryan, the speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives, met with concerned Republican donors and officials last week to talk about the party’s Trump problem, there was consensus that more needed to be done to stop the billionaire from marching to Cleveland with an insurmountable claim to the presidential nomination. But there was no consensus on what to do—until the last 10 minutes of the meeting, according to a party official who spoke on the condition of anonymity. In a last-gasp effort to put the brakes on the Trump train, the group concluded a covert mission was needed to separate Trump from his beloved combover—and let his vulnerability shine out for all to see. More.

McConnell: Moderate Supreme Court Pick Shows How Radical Obama Is

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The judge picked to replace Antonin Scalia on the nation’s highest court, Merrick Garland, couldn’t make it more clear that President Obama is intentionally trying to change the country into something most Americans wouldn’t recognize, Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell said yesterday. “To come forward at this time with a distinguished judge who has been praised by both Republicans and Democrats for his professionalism and meticulous respect for the law exposes Obama for what he is,” said McConnell (R-Ky.). “There should no longer be any question that Obama intends to drive his agenda as far as he can in his remaining months in office, and we need to stop that before he leaves our country permanently changed.” More.

Rubio: Should Have Hit the Genitalia Thing Longer and Harder

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Fla. Sen. Marco Rubio said yesterday his biggest mistake was waiting too long and going too soft on Republican nomination frontrunner Donald Trump’s genitalia. “Had I brought out the genitalia attack in early February, when it would have had the most impact, I could have dented Trump’s momentum and carried far more Super Tuesday states than just Minnesota,” he said. Rubio spoke with reporters after his announcement last night that he was ending his campaign for president. Rubio also said he should have hit the genitalia issue harder. “It wasn’t enough to allude to the fact that Trump had small genitalia,” he said. “I underestimated how important a line of argument that was. The situation called for a full frontal assault on his finger length, which would have suggested more than just his fingers were short. But you can’t turn back time. It is what it is.” More.

Worry in Trump Camp About Losing Home State New York

commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Donald_Trump_presidential_campaign,_2016#/media/File:Trump_rally_in_Mesa,_Arizona.jpgAfter delivering a huge loss to Marco Rubio in his home state of Florida, Republican nomination frontrunner Donald Trump and his campaign team are secretly worried about Trump losing his own home state of New York, when it holds its Republican primary on April 19. “Truth be told, Donald Trump is not that popular in New York,” says a campaign official who asked not to be identified. “He’s burned a lot of bridges in New York City, made a lot of people mad, and outside of the city, he’s just not that well liked.” More.

Trump to Pick Daughter Ivanka to Be Vice Presidential Running Mate

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Republican presidentlal nomination frontrunner Donald Trump is planning to name his daughter, Ivanka Trump, to be his vice presidential running mate, according to Trump campaign officials who have worked on the matter. “It’s an unorthodox pick, but Donald knows the public loves his daughter and so he believes the two of them will make an unbeatable team in the general election,” says a campaign official who spoke on the condition of anonymity. “Ivanka’s favorable ratings are far higher than her father’s, so there’s a feeling that she’ll lift him up in states he’s lagging in.” There are other names on Trump’s list, but the official said it’s unlikely to be anyone other than Ivanka. More.

Trump to Launch ‘Trump Security’ to Capitalize on Increased Violence

ytRepublican presidential nomination frontrunner Donald Trump said he was directing the executive vice president of his company, The Trump Organization, to launch a new company, Trump Security, as soon as possible to take advantage of the growing violence at his rallies and in other aspects of American life. “We’re just getting to be a very violent country and that means we need more security,” Trump said last night in an interview on CNN. “It’s terrible. It’s unfortunate. There are a lot of bad people out there. But it presents an opportunity, too, and that’s what makes me a good businessman. When I see an opportunity, I take it. And there’s an opportunity here to sell good, effective security services, and no one will provide better security than Trump Security, I can promise you.” More.

Young People, Searching for Dignity, Opt for Pro Wrestling Over Politics

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Fewer young Americans are getting into politics, a study has found, and that has lawmakers concerned for the nation’s future. “A healthy democracy relies on a steady flow of young people into politics to tackle our country’s pressing problems,” says Mary Benneto, professor of political science at the Kennedy School of Government at Harvard University and the lead researcher on the study. “The findings we release today are a wake-up call that our nation’s increasingly negative political environment is driving away our best and brightest.” One profession in which the trend line is moving in a positive direction is professional wrestling. The study found a 15 percent increase in the number of young people going into careers in the pro wrestling industry over the last three years. That increase is almost an exact mirror of the decrease in new entrants to politics, which has seen a 16 percent decline in the same time period. More.

Aryans on Trump: ‘Can’t Believe Our Good Fortune’

ts2It’s been Christmas non-stop for the members of Aryan organizations since Donald Trump assumed the lead in the Republican presidential contest. And even if Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas ultimately ends up winning the nomination, members of white supremacist groups say, the boost to their causes has all of them making big plans for the future. “A year ago our groups had few members, few resources, and institutional timidity that would have disappointed the Führer,” says Jack Prest, the Commandant of the Council of Aryan Organizations of North America. “We’d sit around all day, posting pictures, trolling blogs, holding contests for best looking white Christian women. It was hardly what we expected to be doing when we joined our groups.  More.

Voters Bemoan Only 9 Months Left in Presidential Campaign

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The race for the U.S. presidency, with only seven months left to go, already has voters concerned that so little time is left to watch more debates, candidate speeches, and voting results. “I just don’t see how anyone can really get a sense of who will be the best president by November,” says Clarence Smythe, an accountant in Tucson, Ariz. “Unless we see Donald Trump, Ted Cruz, and the others exchange more insults, trying to decide who will be best in the White House isn’t realistic.” Lisa Caldwell, a part-time teacher’s aide in Lansing, Mich., would agree. “Can we really know if Donald Trump has the temperament to be president if we don’t get more occasions to hear him call Ted Cruz ‘Lying Ted?'” More.

Actually, Hillary Has the Longest Fingers

IF2Boasts and counter-boasts about who among the remaining U.S. presidential candidates has the longest fingers, and therefore the most impressive endowment, took an unexpected turn when it was revealed that Democratic nomination front-runner Hillary Clinton has the longest fingers of them all. “Donald Trump might think he has his competition beat when it comes to the length of his fingers, but he might want to get out his ruler again because no one’s got an endowment like Hillary Clinton, if the length of her fingers is any guide,” says political consultant John Mayberry, who spoke this morning on CBS News. “I think this might give us some insight into who the real man in this campaign is.” More.

Only Two Allies Have Sought to Ban Trump From Their Countries

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The Mexican legislature received a petition yesterday from Mexico City to block Donald Trump, the leader for the Republican presidential nomination, from entering their country in retaliation for his proposal to build a border wall that Mexico must pay for. José de Jesús Zambrano, the speaker of the Chamber of Deputies, Mexico’s equivalent to the U.S. House of Representatives, said in a statement he would consider taking up the proposal. “The United States is an important country, our largest trading partner, so taking up such a petition has far-raching implications for the Mexican people,” he said. “I will consider it carefully.” More.

Chris Christie Announces Bid for Vice President

gsNew Jersey Gov. Chris Christie, who withdrew from the Republican presidential nomination contest earlier this month after several lackluster finishes, announced today that he was running for vice president instead. “Donald Trump will be the presidential nominee and I intend to be by his side as vice president,” he said at his announcement, which he made with Trump by his side. “I see where things are heading with the nomination and I can serve two functions by being his vice president pick. One, I can stay in the game, which helps me, and two, I can stand as a credible, responsible partner to ease people’s minds that Trump is too unpredictable to be president, and that helps him.” More.

Trump: ‘It’s the Stupidity, Stupid!’

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Deep in the bowels of Trump Tower in New York City, where the operations center for the Trump presidential campaign is located, there’s a sign on the wall. Campaign staffers hustle about the office and look at it occasionally, reminding themselves what this election is all about: the stupidity of the American people. Casey Lebowski, Trump’s campaign manager, says he likes to refer to the sign periodically to help him get back on track when the daily problems of any campaign—logistics, airplane trouble, a shipment of signs showing up at the wrong place—get him down. More.

Poll: Americans Want a Liar, Xenophobe, Racist, Misogynist, Birther, and Bully for President

poll2Why is real estate mogul Donald Trump doing so well in his bid to become the Republican presidential nominee? The results of a poll released yesterday by The Washington Post and the University of Virginia might have one explanation: a majority of Americans say they want the president of the United States to be a liar, xenophobe, racist, misogynist, birther, and bully. “If America had a liar, xenophobe, racist, misogynist, birther, and bully for president, we would be great again,” one respondent said in the poll. “We don’t have anyone like that right now, and America is going to hell in a hand basket.” More.

Rubio: ‘As Soon as I Win Something, You’ll See Why I’m Going to Win’

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RENO, Nev.—Florida Sen. Marco Rubio, who has finished third, fifth, and second in the three presidential nominating contests so far, says he’s clearly the mainstream favorite to win the Republican nomination, and that will become clear once he wins a contest. “If there’s any doubt I am the one alternative to Donald Trump, wait until I win a primary or a caucus,” he said this morning in Nevada, which holds the next contest for Republicans. Rubio says he doesn’t expect to win in Nevada, which, if true, means he’ll have won none of the four states that vote before Super Tuesday. “But “I will win something, someday, and when I do, there will be no doubt that I can win against Hillary Clinton in November,” he says. More.

Bernie Sanders Goes Shirtless in ‘Shameless’ Grab for Women Voters

bb1A trove of pictures showing a shirtless Bernie Sanders on the beach are making the rounds online, giving the 75-year-old Democratic nomination contender a big lift in the polls, especially in the key battleground state of Florida. And the Hillary Clinton campaign is crying foul. “We didn’t think Sanders would stoop so low to pull away older women voters who’ve always been among Hillary Clinton’s core supporters, but he did, and we’re calling him out on it,” says Meg Smith, the Clinton campaign’s Florida coordinator. “Bernie, put your shirt back on!” More.

Marla Maples: Despite Wealth, Donald Trump Is Not Well-Endowed

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Marla Maples, the former wife of Republican presidential nomination frontrunner Donald Trump, says her former husband is endowed with wealth and a go-getter personality, but he is not well-endowed in the one aspect of his life he would like to be, and she thinks that this inadequacy is driving his presidential run. “Do I think he feels small in that respect?” asked the one-time actress who was Trump’s wife from 1993 to 1997 and was known as the “other woman” when Trump was married to Ivana Trump. They had one daughter between them, Tiffany Trump, who today is known for her enthusiastic use of Instagram. More.

Clearly Undoctored Photos Show Obama Romping With Young Women

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Brady, Patriots Accused of Using Over-inflated Footballs to Win Super Bowl

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Fresh off its controversy for allegedly using under-inflated footballs to win its AFC championship game two weeks ago, the New England Patriots are again under an ethical spotlight for allegedly using over-inflated footballs to beat the Seattle Seahawks 28-24 in last weekend’s Super Bowl XLIX matchup. “We have very clear visual evidence that the New England Patriots used footballs that were inflated far above the regulation level of 12.5 to 13.5 pounds per square inch (psi) in their game last Sunday, so we are officially investigating this potential violation of National Football League rules,” says NFL Executive Vice President Jay Pesh. Over-inflated balls are considered easier to see, a potential advantage for a team like the Patriots, which relies heavily on its passing game. More.

Physicists Association Leaked Deflate-gate to Spur Interest in Science

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The widely reported “deflate-gate” scandal in which the New England Patriots allegedly used under-inflated footballs to gain an edge in their AFC championship game against the Indianapolis Colts last week was conceived and executed by scientists as a way to “make physics sexy” and “get the country talking about physics,” according to a memo that’s surfaced during the NFL’s investigation of the Patriots’ ball-handling practices. “We’re still looking into this, but if it’s true, it’s shocking news to say the least,” says NFL Executive Vice President Jay Pesh. “I want to caution that we are still in the middle of our investigation, which we promise will be thorough and fair. What we’re doing now is looking at the source of this memo, talking with people who are familiar with this memo, so that we can determine what the appropriate next steps will be.” More.

Deflategate 2: Brady Accused of Deflating Goodell’s Ego

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The National Football League is accusing New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady of deflating the ego of NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell in yet another charge against the four-time Super Bowl championship team. “We have very strong reasons to be believe New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady conspired with Richard Berman, the presiding judge of the U.S. District Court of the Southern District of New York, to do irreparable harm to the reputation of National Football League Commissioner Roger Goodell, and on the basis of evidence we have, we are launching an investigation into this potential violation of League rules,” says NFL Spokesperson Marisa Miller. More.

Trump: To Get What You Want, You Must Alienate People

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Republican presidential nomination frontrunner Donald Trump said the United States will never return to its glory days until it has a president who alienates large swathes of the population. “You have to have many people in the United States and around the world feel anger and hostility toward the president of the United States, otherwise we’ll remain a loser country,” Trump said at a campaign rally in Portsmouth, N.H. today. “By bringing out the worst in people, you make it possible to get the hard things done. You can’t get anything done if you make people feel good about working with you; it has to be about confrontation and contempt, otherwise you can forget about accomplishing anything.” More.

Scientists Discover Formula for Trump’s Combover

mv File:Trump_SQ.pngScientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology released a paper yesterday cracking the physics behind the combover of Republican presidential nominee frontrunner Donald Trump and say the famous hairstyle stands as one of the most complex creations of mankind. “An amazing piece of work, a testament to the beauty of complex systems and of the world around us,” says Reynolds Aimsworth, professor of physics and mathematics at MIT and the lead author of the paper. Aimsworth says the combover is based on an inversion of a positive tangent-secant radian, something scientists didn’t believe was possible.” More.

Trump’s Combover in Torrid Affair with Rosie O’Donnell

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The famous combover of Republican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump has been having an affair with lesbian comedian and activist Rosie O’Donnell and continues to meet with the TV personality on a weekly basis, investigators say. “We can confirm that regular meetings between the comb-over and the comedian are occurring and have been occurring for several years,” says David Rosten, an attorney who has been retained by Fox News to look into allegations of the affair. Donald Trump is married, although his combover is not. Roger Stone, a long-time associate of Trump who is now working independently of the candidate, says he’s also looked into the affair and is seeking media outlets to discuss his findings because American voters have a right to know about this important allegation. More.

Trump: ‘With My Many Bankruptcies, I’m the One to Lead the U.S. Into the Future’

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Leading Republican presidential contender Donald Trump says he has the experience losing stockholders’ money to help the United States navigate the difficult world it faces as it transitions from being the world’s largest and most important economy to one that’s unable to fund basic services, repair its infrastructure, or educate its children beyond bible teachings. “What do you need when you enter bankruptcy?” Trump asked an audience of several thousand at a campaign stop in Ames, Iowa. “You need someone who knows how to get the best deal out of it, and no one knows how to get a better deal out of bankruptcy than me.” Trump told the crowd that he’s filed bankruptcy “more than anyone else in the world” and always comes out of the deal “with millions of dollars—millions!” while his creditors come out with “property that no one wants.” More.

Trump’s Combover Credited With Saving Life in Iraq

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The combover of 2016 Republican presidential nominee contender Donald Trump is being hailed as a war hero for saving an injured soldier during the Iraq war. “There’s a very real chance that Private Benjamin Carter, a gunnery specialist with the 1st Battalion 7th Marines that helped librate Baghdad in 2003, would not be here today if it weren’t for the combover of Donald Trump,” says Major Bill Nelson of the U.S. Marine Corps. “People today throw around the word ‘hero’ loosely. But I can say without qualification that Trump’s comb-over is indeed a true Amercan hero.” The combover, which has been part of Trump’s head since he started losing his hair in the late 1990s, was on tour in Iraq with the 1st Battalion 7th Marines as a private contractor. More.

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