Defying the Republican party establishment and even the person on whose head it sits, the combover of Republican presidential nomination frontrunner emphatically refused to give a blanket endorsement to whomever the party nominee turns out to be.
“Unless the Republican presidential nominee in 2016 is someone I respect and trust with the awesome duties of the office of the president of the United States, I cannot sit here today on this head and say I will back the person who is ultimately nominated,” the combover said in a statement issued by a spokesperson.
That position goes against the position of Donald Trump, the man on whose head the combover has sat for decades and who earlier this week promised to back the eventual Republican nominee. “I will be totally pledging my allegiance to the Republican Party and the conservative principles for which it stands,” Trump said at a news conference in New York yesterday.
That position marks a change for the real estate mogul and reality TV star whom polls place at the top of the race for his party’s nomination. At the first Republican nomination debate in Cleveland last month, Trump refused to offer a blanket endorsement for the party’s eventual nominee. Now that Trump has changed his position, he finds himself at odds with his own hair.
“It’s an interesting question of how the two will work this out if Trump backs the nominee in 2016 and his hair doesn’t,” says Marvin Pinkerton, a Republican political consultant who is not working with any of the candidates for president. “Will the combover support (former Florida Governor) Jeb Bush? Will it support (Ohio Governor) John Kasich?”
Joel Torrence, a political consultant who has worked with several of the candidates on previous races, says the combover has consistently been more conservative than Trump over the years, so if the nominee turns out to be one of the more conservative candidates, like Texas Senator Ted Cruz, it is more likely to support the nominee. “Trump’s combover is really quite far right,” says Torrence. “It totally hates Obamacare, while Trump has spoken favorably of Canada’s one-payer system. There are other splits between the two like that.”
Privately, Republican party officials are said to be livid with the combover for not stepping into line with others, including Trump. “This is yet more reason why it’s good that Trump, and not his combover, is running for president,” says a party staffer who asked not to be named. “What a disaster it would have been if his combover had been the one to declare a candidacy.”
But that was something the combover refused to rule out yesterday when it issued its statement refusing to back the nominee. “I’m keeping my options open,” the statement said. “If no one acceptable is winning primaries and caucuses, then I will weigh all options at that time.”
This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): pd and ls (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
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