Dear Internet: Life Was Better When We Could Keep Secrets

Listen, Internet. I know you’re doing a lot of good in the world. Thanks to you, repressed people around the globe are able to find each other and draw strength from their shared struggle. And using Facebook, Twitter, and other social media platforms, they can communicate with one another and launch revolutions—revolutions that could never have happened or would have taken decades longer to come together. And thanks to you, a ltrlight has been shined on generations of abuse—to African Americans at the hands of police and to women at the hands of men—that might never have come fully to light. So, yes, you’ve done a lot of good. And we thank you for that. But the fact is, you’re making life impossible. Keeping secrets, hiding things from public view—that’s the grease that turns the gears of our world. People have to be able to say nasty things about other people behind their backs. They have to be able to make deals in private to get things done. It’s always been that way, and while the world has always produced a lot of horrible things, the arc of history is long, as people say, but it bends toward justice. How can we go on if no one—not leaders, not heroes, not regular people—can do anything without you finding out? Hillary and her emails. Mitt and his 47 percent of Americans. Taylor Swift and her phone call to Kanye. The fact is, you find out everything—if not right away, then eventually. It’s like living your life with a camera on you all the time. Life can’t work this way. We need to be able to do things in the shadows if we’re ever to get anything done. We need to be able to aspire to greatness while wallowing in the muck in private. If you take away the wall between the public and the private, only people with nothing original to say will command our trust; all the people who have the imagination and the talent to produce change will be discredited, defamed, dethroned. So, I want to make a deal with you. Either you let us have our private lives back, so we can say one thing and do another, or you help us recognize that no one is perfect and that we all need to let our dark side out after midnight, and we align our laws and our expectations with reality. What do you say, Internet? Do we have a deal? Let me know what you think, and we’ll take it from there.

Thanks.

A person

effin’ asshole. you think that piece of sh*t internet is going to listen to a thing i say? about as much as it’s going to listen to its b*tthole. as far as I’m concerned the Internet can just eat sh*t and die

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Donald Trump’s Mouth Caught Talking Without His Brain Again

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The mouth of Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump was caught talking without the candidate’s brain at a rally in Altoona, Pa., today, marking the seventh time in the last day and a half that unsupervised words from the candidate’s mouth were allowed into the world. “The only way we could lose, in my opinion—I really mean this, Pennsylvania—is if cheating goes on,” Trump said at the rally. Trump, who is down in the polls in this and other battleground states, has started letting his mouth talk without restraint about cheating and rigged elections as a way to delegitimize the election outcome should he lose, setting the stage for widespread instability in the world’s oldest democracy. More.

GOP Calls in Palin, Bachmann to Lend Gravitas to Weakening Trump Campaign

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Worried that Donald Trump’s focus on score-settling and conspiracy mongering is dooming Republicans’ chance of winning the White House, GOP leaders have asked party heavyweights Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann to help right the listing campaign. “Trump will be a good president because he understands the needs of hurting Americans, but we first need to win the presidency and we think that requires adding some intellectual heft to his campaign team,” says Reince Priebus, the Republican National Committee chair. “We are pleased to announce that two of our party’s most well-respected thought leaders, former Alaska Governor Sarah Palin and former Minnesota Congresswoman Michele Bachmann, have agreed to return to the political fray on behalf of our nominee for president.” Palin, tapped to be the running mate of Sen. John McCain of Arizona when he was the Republican presidential nominee in 2008, is expected to bring considerable policy heft to the Trump effort. More.

Trump: ‘PC Police Won’t Let Me Call For Assassination of Clinton’

mnRepublican presidential nominee says it’s just like the “PC police” to give him a hard time for calling for the assassination of his Democratic rival, Hillary Clinton, to prevent her from picking the country’s next Supreme Court judges. “Wouldn’t you know I would be criticized for suggesting a Second Amendment solution to a Crooked hillary victory,” Trump said at a campaign stop in Lexington, Va. “You can’t say anything today without running afoul of the PC police.” Trump sparked a round of condemnation yesterday by alluding to what gun owners could do if Clinton wins. “If she gets to pick her judges, nothing you can do, folks,” Trump said at a rally in Wilmington, N.C. “Although the Second Amendment people—maybe there is. I don’t know.” More.

Meet the Democratic Operatives Hired to Rig the Presidential Election

wng Finding time to talk with election riggers who’ve been hired to tip the scales of the 2016 presidential election to Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton hasn’t been easy, especially with the election less than three months away. But Justin Powers, Kermin Jackson, and Ali Siddiqi—the Demcrats’ crack team of election riggers—made time to talk about how the big plans are going. The Nattering Nabobs: You were hired three months ago by the Democratic National Committee to make sure Hillary Clinton wins the election. Is everything falling into place?Ali Siddiqi: Well, point of clarification. We were hired more than a year ago, but we were formally introduced to the media three months ago. TNN: Okay, thanks for the clarification.Justin Powers: I think it takes a little longer than a few months to rig an election!  More.

DNC Hacking: Are Pro-Putin Remarks Hidden in Hillary’s Acceptance Speech?

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Analysts say pro-Russia remarks appear to be sprinkled into the presidential nomination acceptance speech that Hillary Clinton gave on the last night of the Democratic National Convention in Philadelphia, and they wonder if the remarks were added at the last minute by Russian hackers who’ve infiltrated the servers of the DNC. “The speech was more pro-Russia than we expected, and that makes you wonder what the Russians have done now that we know they’ve hacked the DNC servers,” says Jon Brighton, cyber security branch chief at the National Security Agency. One line that might have been added, Brighton says, comes about halfway through Clinton’s speech, when she’s talking about the bonds of trust that appear to be fraying in the United States. “America is once again at a moment of reckoning,” she says. “Powerful forces are threatening to pull us apart. Bonds of trust and respect are fraying. Luckily, we maintain strong bonds of trust with Russia and our good friend Vladimir Putin.” More.

Improved Pick-Up Skills in Men Will Reduce Violence, Study Finds

commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Red_clothing,_female#/media/File:Cover_me_2007_-_0137_(Werner_-_Schoppmann).jpgA major study from Harvard University finds that men’s inability to charm women—that is, talk them into consensual relationships by being witty, empathetic, and responsive to communication signals—is the single biggest cause of violence in America. “If men would just learn how to talk to women, the amount of sexual frustration in this country would decrease dramatically and the violence that comes with that—violence against women but also violence against society—would decrease as well,” says Jeffrey Lane, a senior professor of sociology at Harvard and the lead author of the report. “We’ve been wrong saying money is the root of all evil; sexual frustration is the root of all evil.” According to the report, called “More Screwing, Less Shooting,” even violence committed in the name of religion ultimately stems from men’s sexual frustration, because few men would turn to religious fanaticism if they could “just date hot chicks once in a while,” the report says. “We need to get men off the sidelines, pouting about being losers, and onto the bar stool next to a hot woman.” More.

Trump: ‘Michelle Is The One Who Plagiarized Melania’

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Republican Presidential nominee Donald Trump said it was Michelle Obama, not his wife Melania, whose 2008 convention speech included two plagiarzed paragraphs from his wife’s convention speech last night in Cleveland. “It’s unbelievable that Michelle Obama would take what she knew my wife would be saying this week and use it in her speech eight years ago,” Trump said last night in his hotel suite in Cleveland. Trump and his wife are in Cleveland for the 2016 Republican National Convention, which is set to make his nomination official later this week. “She took the words right out of Melania’s mouth before Melania could even put them in her mouth snd speak them.” Trump said he might file a lawsuit against Obama, charging her with stealing his wife’s words eight years before his wife could used them. More.

Fox Chairman Roger Ailes Accuses Swimsuit Model of Sexually Harassing Him

commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Sunbathing_at_Meshcherskiy_Prud_(2009).jpgFox News Chairman and CEO Roger Ailes is alleging in a lawsuit that aspiring news reporter Asheigh Carter tried to tempt him into infidelity as she sought a job on his popular cable news channel. “My client is traumatized and humiliated by the experience of having Ashleigh Carter stroke his chin and breathe into his ear during a meeting to discuss her qualifications to be a reporter for the Fox News team,” John Peterson, an attorney for Ailes, said in a statement. According to the statement, Carter, 25, a former Dallas Cowboys cheerleader, sent him pictures of her and promised him “moments he’ll remember” if he would just give her an interview. More.

Nudist: ‘Sometimes I Think, What The Hell Am I Doing Out Here Naked?’

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Katie Peterson, an insurance adjuster who considers herself a naturalist and enjoys going to beaches and other places where she can be outside without her clothes on, says she sometimes wonders what the hell she’s doing. “When we were living in caves and fending off saber-toothed tigers, we couldn’t wait to invent clothes,” she says, “and here I am taking my clothes off. Am I a complete whack job?” Thoughts like that don’t occur often, but when they do, they can make her wonder if she has a screw loose. “On a typical day I’ll go out and enjoy having my clothes off,” she says. “I’ll think, ‘Hey, we’re all just animals and I like the sun warming my skin and the wind tickling the hair on my arms.’ But on other days I think I must be a freak.” More.

Lewandowski: ‘Guess I Just Rubbed Out People the Wrong Way’

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In the wake of his sudden firing as Donald Trump’s campaign manager, Corey Lewandowski says he’s not sure why he was let go but he thinks he simply rubbed out people the wrong way. “I’ve come to know Donald Trump well in the two years I was his right-hand man, and I can say he doesn’t like his staffers to rub out people the wrong way,” Lewandowski said yesterday. Lewandowski said he rubbed out several people the wrong way, including a New York Times reporter, a Republican political consultant, and a voter. “The voter wasn’t going to vote for Donald Trump anyway,” Lewandowski said. “I didn’t see any reason to rub him out the right way.” Analysts say Lewandowski had a well-earned reputation as a tough and protective aide to Trump. More.

Invoking Hate-speech Policy, Twitter Suspends Donald Trump’s Account

mexIn a move that’s sure to make to make it harder for Donald Trump to get his election message out, Twitter has suspended the account of the presumptive Republican presidential nominee for including banned hate speech in his tweets. “We take our responsibilities to foster respectful dialogue seriously,” Twitter Chief Enforcement Officer David Hearns says in a statement the company released this morning. “This was not a decision we made lightly, but we stand by our policy and did what we felt we had to under the circumstances.” Under the company’s hate-speech policy, accounts are suspended 60 days for tweets that . . . . More.

AP Stylebook: Trump Downgraded to ‘Millionaire’ in Journalistic References

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Trump Denies Changing Combover as Clinton Gains in Popularity

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Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump says he hasn’t started arranging his combover in a different way to reflect the surge in popularity of Hillary Clinton now that she has amassed enough delegates to be his Democratic opponent in the general election this fall. “Crooked Hillary will be in jail before she’s the Democratic nominee, so I can assure you I haven’t changed anything about my hair,” Trump said at a campaign stop in San Diego this morning. “I’ve been combing it the same way since I was 30 years old. And you know why? Because it’s perfect the way it is. Even the Mexicans love it. They wish they could have my hair. And maybe they can someday, if they behave themselves.” More.

Testimonial: ‘Trump Helped Me Find My Inner Racist’

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Photographic_silhouettes_of_people#/media/File:Contre-jour_talk.jpgI know Donald Trump isn’t as rich as he says he is. He’d show his taxes to us if he were. And I know he’s conned a lot of people out of their money at Trump University and Trump Mortgage. And I know he caused no small amount of grief to rich folk who invested money in his airline, casino, and the XFL. And I know he was for socialized medicine before he was against it, and I doubt he’s cracked open the Bible more than once in 40 years. And I know he used to call up reporters and pretend he was someone else to boast about how much women wanted him. I know all that, but there’s just something you don’t understand. You see, after years—decades, really—of  repressing my feelings, he’s allowed me to express my inner racism and bigotry, and I can’t tell you what a relief it is. More.

Clinton: ‘Not Saying Trump Is Gay, But People Are Saying It’

gsSACRAMENTO—Presumptive Democratic presidential nominee Hillary Clinton said at a campaign rally here today she doesn’t believe Donald Trump is a homosexual but she hears “more and more” rumors that he is and she agrees his actions “can lead one” to believe that. “In some ways, I would respect him more if it turns out he secretly is a gay man trying to lead a straight life, because it would explain his struggles with the truth and perhaps his insecurity,” said Clinton, who is campaigning in California this week to prevent a last-minute primary win by her rival for the Democratic nomination, Vermont senator Bernie Sanders. Clinton said it’s time for discrimination against people for sexual orientation to stop, and Trump—should the rumors prove true—should use his position to help bring about equality in the United States. “Again, if Donald Trump is gay—and I’m not saying he is—then good for him. He should embrace it, celebrate it.” More.

Publisher Promises Objectivity In Its Criticism of Hillary

nmsNEW YORK CITY—Dan Peeker, publisher of the National Midnight Star, said at a journalism conference here yesterday he won’t let his friendship with Donald Trump bias his coverage of the general election between Trump and Hillary Clinton. “Hillary’s dishonesty makes her a tempting target, but I can assure you all the stories we’ve pre-written about her flaws are objective,” says Peeker, 63. Peeker has been chairman and CEO of U.S. A. Publications, which owns the National Midnight Star, since 1990, and critics say he’s using his publication as a tool to help his golf buddy win the presidency. It was his tabloid that broke the April 3 story of Ted Cruz’s affairs with five prominent Republican political women, which hurt the Texas senator in Wisconsin, and it broke the April 19 piece about . . . More.

N.C. Bathroom Policeman: ‘I’m Doing It for the Girls’

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Trump Taps John Miller To Be His Chief Spokesperson

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Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump named John Miller his top press secretary today and said Miller will be his White House spokesperson should he win in November. “I’ve known John all my life and no one has my back the way he does,” Trump told reporters at a press conference. MIller, 69, who also goes by the name John Barron or John Baron, has served as spokesperson for the New York real estate mogul several times over the years and is known among reporters and editors as someone who knows Trump well. More.

Woman Says She’s Trump’s Daughter; Seeks White House Bedroom

nwrIn a sensational claim, the supermarket tabloid Weekly National Report says a 50-year-old woman in Fayetteville, Ark., Dannielle Eggles, is the daughter of presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump and she’s demanding a “White House bedroom” for her and her husband if he is elected president. “This is the hardest thing I’ve ever done, but I feel I must come forward because it’s time for my daddy to stop pretending I don’t exist,” Eggles said at a press conference in Fayetteville yesterday. Eggles, a clerk at Target, said she had resigned herself to living in the shadow of her famous father and her glamorous half brothers and sisters, but six months ago she and her husband, Ron Eggles, decided she could no longer do that. “We just thought it wasnt fair that Ivanka, Tiffany, Eric, Donald, Jr., and Barron all get to live the high life while we have to scrape our fingers to the bone just because daddy pretends I don’t exist.” More.

Hastert: ‘I’m Just One in a Long Line of Republican Hypocrites’

commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/Category:Dennis_Hastert#/media/File:US_Navy_061230-D-1142M-014_Former_First_Lady_Betty_Ford_attends_a_memorial_service_at_the_capitol.jpgDisgraced former Speaker of the House Denny Hastert says he’s ashamed of his behavior decades ago, when he acted inappropriately with underage boys as their teacher and coach in Yorkville, Ill. But he also defended himself, saying the Republican party has a long history of its members condemning people for marital infidelity and sexual “deviancy” while secretly engaging in the practices themselves. “Everyone knows the Republican party is full of closet homosexuals and serial marital cheaters even though it touts itself as the family-values party,” Hastert, 74, said after his admission in the U.S. District Court for the Northern District of Illinois, Eastern Division. “I can show you a list as long as my arm of Republicans in Congress who lie about their sexual identity and cheat on their spouses while condemning others for doing the same.” More.

Nickelback, Other Bands Not On Tour Refuse to Play North Carolina

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The backlash to North Carolina’s anti-LGBT religious freedom law continues as Nickelback, One Direction, Insane Clown Posse, and several other bands not on tour say they refuse to play in the state until it repeals its controversial law. “If we were on tour right now, we would not play in the state in solidarity with fellow bands that are touring and taking a financial hit by not playing in the state,” sys Chad Kroeger, lead singer and guitarist with Nickelback, which last put out an album in 2014. Insane Clown Posse, a rap duo that isn’t on tour, has also announced a boycott of the state. “No way are we playing in North Carolina,” says Joseph Bruce, also known as Violent J. More.

Scientists Discover Formula for Trump’s Combover

mv File:Trump_SQ.pngScientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology released a paper yesterday cracking the physics behind the combover of Republican presidential nominee frontrunner Donald Trump and say the famous hairstyle stands as one of the most complex creations of mankind. “An amazing piece of work, a testament to the beauty of complex systems and of the world around us,” says Reynolds Aimsworth, professor of physics and mathematics at MIT and the lead author of the paper. Aimsworth says the combover is based on an inversion of a positive tangent-secant radian, something scientists didn’t believe was possible.” More.

ISBN Number From the Original Bible Discovered

greeneconnections/9416210247Special to The Guardian. In a find that stunned the world of religion, archaeologists digging in a remote region of the Sinai desert discovered what is believed to be the original Holy Bible from more than 2,000 years ago with its International Standard Book Publishing (ISBN) code still intact. “This is an almost unbelievable discovery,” says Alfred Pottersmith, lead curator of Middle East artifacts at the British Museum in London. “To think we could be holding in our hands the original bible from God’s disciples is humbling beyond words.” What gives archaeologists confidence the bible is the original Word of God, first edition, is the presence of the internationally recognized 9-digit numeric commercial book identifier code known as the ISBN code. More.

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