NRA Protests U.S. Ban on Privately Owned Military Assault Vehicles

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Heavily armed private vehicles

WASHINGTON—The National Rifle Association today staged a protest outside the U.S. Department of Transportation here, saying the agency’s ban on privately owned military assult-styled vehicles on federally funded highways is a violation of the second amendment of the U.S. Constitution.

“It looks like Barack Hussein Obama wants to make sure only the government has the right to bear arms when those arms are attached to motorized vehicles,” NRA President Wayne LaPierre said at the protest, which involved blocking Constitution Ave. with dozens of privately owned vehicles adapted to accommodate military-styled automatic weapons, including several with grenade launchers. “Well, the U.S. Constitution makes clear that guns don’t have to be carried on one’s person for us to enjoy the freedom to have them. Just because they’re mounted on vehicles doesn’t make us any less free to carry our guns.”
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U.S. Secret Service and Park Police, and police from the District of Columbia were on hand to help ensure the protest remained peaceful. D.C, Police Chief Cathy Lanier says an estimated 12,000 people participated in the protest, most brandishing guns.

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Lanier says the protest went off without incident, although one of the military-type assault vehicles got a flat tire, blocking a fire lane. The owner of the vehicle did not have a spare tire and was fined $125 for blocking the access lane for the two hours it took to for the tire to be replaced and the vehicle moved.

Protesters heard from dozens of speakers throughout the event, although the accidental release of several rocket propelled grenade blanks made it difficult to hear 2016 Republican presidential nomination contender Sen. Ted Cruz (Texas). “Apparently the owner of one of the vehicles with a rocket propelled grenade launcher did not fully understand the operation of his equipment and did discharge three rounds of ordnance, which were quickly identified as blanks and were not a threat to people in the area,” said D.C. Police Spokesperson La’ Shonda Jackson.

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Josh Earnest

White House Spokesperson Josh Earnest said in a statement that President Obama takes the right to bear arms seriously and that the actions by the Department of Transportation do not violate that constitutional right. “What DOT is trying to do is keep our highways from becoming a war zone,” Earnest said. “It’s one thing to anger another driver when you cut them off on the L.A. freeway; it’s another when you fire several rounds at that person from your military-type automatic weapon. Freeways are crowded, often tension-filled spaces. If you want to keep your rifle mounted on the back of your pickup, that’s fine. But you’ll need to leave the military assault vehicles to the U.S. Army. They have no place on our federally funded highways.”

The NRA says it’s working with members of Congress to introduce and then pass legislation that would make it clear the right to own guns extends to automatic weapons mounted on privately owned vehicles. “I think a homegrown jihadist will think twice about killing innocent Americans when he knows he’ll be facing down the barrel of an M240 machine gun mounted on the roof of my car,” says Glenn Hart, an NRA member from Pensacola, Fla., and one of the participants in the protest. “That’s what this is all about. Keeping America safe. When Americans have their automatic weapons mounted on their cars, we’re all safer—and we’re all freer—just like the Constitution intended.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): ectm, pd, and usdot (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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