Trump’s Combover Credited With Saving Life in Iraq

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Trump’s combover

The combover of 2016 Republican presidential nominee contender Donald Trump is being hailed as a war hero for saving an injured soldier during the Iraq war.

“There’s a very real chance that Private Benjamin Carter, a gunnery specialist with the 1st Battalion 7th Marines that helped librate Baghdad in 2003, would not be here today if it weren’t for the combover of Donald Trump,” says Major Bill Nelson of the U.S. Marine Corps. “People today throw around the word ‘hero’ loosely. But I can say without qualification that Trump’s combover is indeed a true Amercan hero.”

The combover, which has been part of Trump’s head since he started losing his hair in the late 1990s, was on tour in Iraq with the 1st Battalion 7th Marines as a private contractor. The hair’s job is classified, but military personnel who spoke on the condition of anonymity say the hair was there to prospect locations for hotel properties after the war.

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Combover on front lines

“The thinking was, after we liberated Iraq, developers http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00W02PIJO/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00W02PIJO&linkCode=as2&tag=daily031-20&linkId=2NZBYW3DS7XQDEMQwould want to go in and start to capitalize on the area’s dazzling historic sites,” says one officer who is familiar with the combover’s role. “I know Trump’s operations were part of discussions about what could be done to bring in tourists and really get the Iraqi economy going after so many years of dictatorship. And the combover was there to find some properties.”

It’s not clear exactly what happened on the day that Private Carter was found outnumbered by followers of Muqtada al-Sadr, the radical Shiite cleric who rejected the Coalition Provisional Authority and its director, L. Paul Bremer. But Carter found himself surrounded by more than a dozen of the Sadr army, his leg broken and his rifle more than 15 feet away. That’s when Trump’s comb-over arrived and gunned six of the men down, causing the remainder to flee. The combover then carried Carter more than a mile to the safety of a U.S. forward operating base.

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Trump: ‘Proud of my combover’

The Iraq war created a lot of American Heroes,” says Major Nelson. “Many stepped up and carried on the tradition of bravery that our country is so renowned for. Certainly Trump’s combover is in the first ranks of those heroes and I know the Carter family is eternally grateful.”

Nelson says the comb-over’s bravery is in stark contrast to the heroism of Sen. John McCain (R-Ariz.), who won the Silver Star for his service in Vietnam. McCain, a Navy pilot, was shot down in North Vietnam and held prisoner for more than five years, much of it spent in solitary confinement.

“Am I suggesting Sen. McCain doesn’t love his country or isn’t a hero?” says Nelson. “Of course not. But let’s not forget war is won by the people who don’t get captured.”

Trump says he’s proud of his combover but it was just doing its duty as an American. “Americans don’t get taken prisoner,” he says. “They shoot the bad guys and they save the good guys, and that’s what my combover did, and that’s why my combover is a real hero. It would be nice if people didn’t mistake real heroism for the phony kind, but it happens and I’m just glad the recognition my combover is getting is helping to set the record straight.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): Public domain and gs (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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