Trump’s Combover in U.S. Illegally, Agency Alleges

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Thing of interest

Hair also a suspect in busted 2012 criminal ring

The iconic combover of real estate billionaire and 2016 presidential aspirant Donald Trump is under investigation by U.S. immigration authorities on suspicion of being in the United States illegally.

USCIS“We can only confirm that the combover of Donald Trump is a thing of interest to the United States concerning its immigration status and beyond that we have no comment,” John Goodman, director of fraud detection and national security for the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS), says in statement released by the agency today.

Katrina Pierson, a spokesperson for Trump, calls the allegation ridiculous. “Mr. Trump eagerly awaits the agency’s report and certainly expects his hair to be exonerated,” she says.

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U.S.-Mexico border

The federal government’s actions come in response to news accounts over the last three weeks that Trump secretly paid “tour guides” to bring the combover into the country from Mexico six years ago. No factual accounts of the transaction have been reported and estimates of how much Trump paid to have his hair brought over range wildly, from $12,000 to $343,000. Speculation has also focused on whether the hair was brought in by bus or was secured to the bottom of a 2009 Jeep Cherokee and driven over by a vacationing American family that did not know their vehicle had been conscripted for the purpose.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B012D8750Y/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B012D8750Y&linkCode=as2&tag=daily031-20&linkId=EEVAP2OIAH2XV6KUAccording to a report on Border Watch, the online newsletter of Secure America’s Borders Immediately Now (SABIN), an anti-immigration organization based in San Diego, the combover came over on a Jeep, but it was not a private vehicle but rather an official vehicle of the U.S. Border Patrol. “Our inside sources tell us that the combover came over on a U.S. vehicle and the operation was managed by agency staff,” according to the article in the newsletter.

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The “Harem” capo

Another online publication, America on Alert, says the combover is the same hair that was implicated in a short-lived criminal operation that FBI agents exposed in 2012. The operation is alleged to have been involved in the sale of barbiturates and other illegal drugs in the United States and in overseeing a tight-knit prostitution ring in Los Angeles and other Southern California locations as well as Nevada. “We have firm evidence that Trump’s combover is indeed a principal of the “Harem,” the America on Alert article says.

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B015HE4V30/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B015HE4V30&linkCode=as2&tag=daily031-20&linkId=PSYHRLYKWK33MBV7Peter Bennett, an attorney who has worked on several immigration cases and is not involved in the current investigation, says it’s likely federal authorities were tipped off by an employee or employees of the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services. “Based on everything that’s out there, this is most likely an inside job that has now been exposed,” he says. “I wouldn’t be surprised if the government concludes its investigation in the next couple of weeks and presses formal charges against the hair, because there’s no reason for them to delay, especially with Trump running for president.”

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Comb-over in Iowa

In the meantime, the combover is making the rounds in Iowa and other early primary states as Trump meets with potential voters and lays out his conservative agenda. Questions about his hair have come up at several of his stops, but mostly the crowds have been friendly and eager to hear his prescriptions for shrinking the federal budget deficit, getting the country’s productivity up again, and securing the border from illegal immigration. He currently is behind only former Florida governor Jeb Bush in most national polls, attracting about 14 percent of likely Republican voters. Bush is first at about 16 percent.

“His hair’s not running for president,” says Jay Campbell, a truck driver in Des Moines, Iowa, who came to hear Trump speak on Wednesday. “Trump is running for president and I like what he has to say. Whether his hair is here legally or illegally is a sideshow orchestrated by Clinton and Obama to distract people from the failure of the last seven years. At least his hair isn’t as greasy as Clinton’s. You know, she finds time to delete her e-mails from her illegal and incompetent years at the State Department; you’d think she’d find the time to wash her hair. Any fair investigation will show that Trump’s hair is clean.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): djp, pdt, bj, and mv (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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