Hair also a suspect in busted 2012 criminal ring
The iconic combover of real estate billionaire and 2016 presidential aspirant Donald Trump is under investigation by U.S. immigration authorities on suspicion of being in the United States illegally.
“We can only confirm that the combover of Donald Trump is a thing of interest to the United States concerning its immigration status and beyond that we have no comment,” John Goodman, director of fraud detection and national security for the United States Citizenship and Immigration Services (USCIS), says in statement released by the agency today.
Katrina Pierson, a spokesperson for Trump, calls the allegation ridiculous. “Mr. Trump eagerly awaits the agency’s report and certainly expects his hair to be exonerated,” she says.
The federal government’s actions come in response to news accounts over the last three weeks that Trump secretly paid “tour guides” to bring the combover into the country from Mexico six years ago. No factual accounts of the transaction have been reported and estimates of how much Trump paid to have his hair brought over range wildly, from $12,000 to $343,000. Speculation has also focused on whether the hair was brought in by bus or was secured to the bottom of a 2009 Jeep Cherokee and driven over by a vacationing American family that did not know their vehicle had been conscripted for the purpose.
According to a report on Border Watch, the online newsletter of Secure America’s Borders Immediately Now (SABIN), an anti-immigration organization based in San Diego, the combover came over on a Jeep, but it was not a private vehicle but rather an official vehicle of the U.S. Border Patrol. “Our inside sources tell us that the combover came over on a U.S. vehicle and the operation was managed by agency staff,” according to the article in the newsletter.
Another online publication, America on Alert, says the combover is the same hair that was implicated in a short-lived criminal operation that FBI agents exposed in 2012. The operation is alleged to have been involved in the sale of barbiturates and other illegal drugs in the United States and in overseeing a tight-knit prostitution ring in Los Angeles and other Southern California locations as well as Nevada. “We have firm evidence that Trump’s combover is indeed a principal of the “Harem,” the America on Alert article says.
Peter Bennett, an attorney who has worked on several immigration cases and is not involved in the current investigation, says it’s likely federal authorities were tipped off by an employee or employees of the U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services. “Based on everything that’s out there, this is most likely an inside job that has now been exposed,” he says. “I wouldn’t be surprised if the government concludes its investigation in the next couple of weeks and presses formal charges against the hair, because there’s no reason for them to delay, especially with Trump running for president.”
In the meantime, the combover is making the rounds in Iowa and other early primary states as Trump meets with potential voters and lays out his conservative agenda. Questions about his hair have come up at several of his stops, but mostly the crowds have been friendly and eager to hear his prescriptions for shrinking the federal budget deficit, getting the country’s productivity up again, and securing the border from illegal immigration. He currently is behind only former Florida governor Jeb Bush in most national polls, attracting about 14 percent of likely Republican voters. Bush is first at about 16 percent.
“His hair’s not running for president,” says Jay Campbell, a truck driver in Des Moines, Iowa, who came to hear Trump speak on Wednesday. “Trump is running for president and I like what he has to say. Whether his hair is here legally or illegally is a sideshow orchestrated by Clinton and Obama to distract people from the failure of the last seven years. At least his hair isn’t as greasy as Clinton’s. You know, she finds time to delete her e-mails from her illegal and incompetent years at the State Department; you’d think she’d find the time to wash her hair. Any fair investigation will show that Trump’s hair is clean.”
This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (some modified): djp, pdt, bj, and mv (Creative Commons and public domain). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
After the fourth school shooting and the twentieth mass shooting in the United States since the first of the year, the 700,000 Dreamers who were brought here as children and allowed to stay as long as they check in every two years say it’s okay if Congress wants to send them back to their native countries. “You know, we’ve been giving it some thought and, if you don’t want us here, we understand,” the Dreamers said in a joint letter they sent to Congress today, the day after a former student killed 17 students and faculty at Marjory Stoneman Douglas High School in Parkland, Fla. Jose Gonzalez, a Dreamer in Orlando, says he’ll probably be better off dealing with the gangs in his native El Salvador. “It’s true my mother just got a $1.50-a-week raise,” Gonzalez says. More.
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Presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump started fleshing out details of his administration should he win in November with release of a detailed plan for a U.S. Department of Deportations that he will create within his first 100 days in office. “We have 11 million illegal Mexicans to deport and 1.6 billion Muslims to keep out of our country, so it’s going to be a big department and it’s going to do things well,” Trump said yesterday at a press conference
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Defying the Republican party establishment and even the person on whose head it sits, the combover of Republican presidential nomination frontrunner emphatically refused to give a blanket endorsement to whomever the party nominee turns out to be. “Unless the Republican presidential nominee in 2016 is someone I respect and trust with the awesome duties of the office of the president of the United States, I cannot sit here today on this head and say I will back the person who is ultimately nominated,” the combover said in a statement issued by a spokesperson. That position goes against the position of Donald Trump, the man on whose head the combover has sat for decades and who earlier this week promised to back the eventual Republican nominee. More.
The closely watched combover of Donald Trump has been sending sexually suggestive tweets and photos to several of its Twitter followers, federal investigators allege. If true, that could imperil the Republican presidential nomination frontrunner’s candidacy, analysts say. Jerome Casing, chief of social media security at the FBI’s Criminal, Cyber, Response, and Services Branch, says his team has been tracking the combover since April, when it received a tip from one of the hair’s followers that it has been embedding unwanted photos in innuendo-laden tweets. “All I can say is, we’re talking to the combover of Mr. Trump at this time about matters concerning communications on the Internet,” says Casing. “Beyond that we have no comment.” More.
Why does Republican presidential nomination frontrunner Donald Trump maintain an elaborate combover rather than embrace his receding hairline? Investigators have provided a possible answer to that question by conducting an x-ray analysis of his forehead and revealing a tattooed image of long-time Trump nemesis Rosie O’Donnell, the TV personality and liberal political activist whom Trump has called “fat” and a “pig.” “This is truly an unexpected finding,” says Albert Sherzberg, professor of macro x-ray fluorescence spectroscopy at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, who led the research effort. “I think I speak for many when I say I did not expect to find a tattoo of Rosie O’Donnell under Trump’s combover.” More.
An explosive photo leaked by the Associated Press today shows a poster of Fox News reporter Megyn Kelly in the bedroom of the iconic combover of Republican presidential nominee frontrunner Donald Trump. The poster depicts Kelly, the veteran TV journalist who sparred with Trump during the first Republican nomination debate last month in Cleveland over the real estate mogul’s treatment of women, framed in images of butterflies and love hearts. She is fully clothed. Since the debate, Kelly and Trump have been locked in a contentious public relations battle over their testy exchange, during which Trump had admitted calling TV host and political activist Rosie McDonnell “fat” and a “pig.” More.
Republican presidential nomination frontrunner Donald Trump says having a dad who starts a successful real estate business and then hands the business over to you is a great way to become rich like him. “That’s really the best way to amass wealth,” Trump said in an interview with Fox News today. “You gotta start rich and go to a good school, which being rich helps you get into.” In the interview, with Fox News’ Sean Hannity, Trump said that having your dad get rich first enables you to focus your attention on sexier but riskier types of businesses like beauty pageants, reality shows, casinos, and airlines. And it provides a cushion in case some of the businesses fail and you have to file for bankruptcy protection. “All in all, having a dad who paves the way is a really great way to become rich,” says Trump, 69. More.
Scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology released a paper yesterday cracking the physics behind the combover of Republican presidential nominee frontrunner Donald Trump and say the famous hairstyle stands as one of the most complex creations of mankind. “An amazing piece of work, a testament to the beauty of complex systems and of the world around us,” says Reynolds Aimsworth, professor of physics and mathematics at MIT and the lead author of the paper. Aimsworth says the combover is based on an inversion of a positive tangent-secant radian, something scientists didn’t believe was possible.” More.
The famous combover of Republican presidential nomination front-runner Donald Trump has been having an affair with lesbian comedian and activist Rosie O’Donnell and continues to meet with the TV personality on a weekly basis, investigators say. “We can confirm that regular meetings between the combover and the comedian are occurring and have been occurring for several years,” says David Rosten, an attorney who has been retained by Fox News to look into allegations of the affair. Donald Trump is married, although his comb-over is not. Roger Stone, a long-time associate of Trump who is now working independently of the candidate, says he’s also looked into the affair and is seeking media outlets to discuss his findings because American voters have a right to know about this important allegation. More.
The combover of 2016 Republican presidential nominee contender Donald Trump is being hailed as a war hero for saving an injured soldier during the Iraq war. “There’s a very real chance that Private Benjamin Carter, a gunnery specialist with the 1st Battalion 7th Marines that helped librate Baghdad in 2003, would not be here today if it weren’t for the combover of Donald Trump,” says Major Bill Nelson of the U.S. Marine Corps. “People today throw around the word ‘hero’ loosely. But I can say without qualification that Trump’s combover is indeed a true Amercan hero.” The comb-over, which has been part of Trump’s head since he started losing his hair in the late 1990s, was on tour in Iraq with the 1st Battalion 7th Marines as a private contractor. More.
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