Man Can’t Remember Why He Gave a Shit Who Won Basketball Game

mirJeff Stewart was thrilled that the University of Connecticut Huskies won the Men’s NCAA basketball championship this year, beating back the surging University of Kentucky Wildcats. But he’ll be damned if he can remember why he even gave a flying fuck. “I mean, nothing of consequence hinged on who won the game,” says Stewart, 34, “so it’s just so weird how I read newspaper articles on the teams leading up to the game and otherwise devoted countless hours of my life to who would win—hours that I’l never get back.”

The South Bend, Ind., resident never played basketball in school, although he used to shoot baskets with friends at a park not far from his house. Basketball is big in Indiana, especially at the college level, and people talk about it a lot. But Stewart says it’s kind of boring to watch on TV. “Guys go one direction, shoot the ball, guys go the other direction, shoot the ball … it’s just not that flippin’ exciting,” he says.

But even more important is why he should even care. “I don’t know any of the players or the coaches, and in fact I don’t think ant of the players or the coaches are actually from the area whose school they represent,” he says. “So, you’re not really rooting for a school; you’re rooting for a collection of talent that’s been assembled by the coaching staff to play basketball for a season.”

Stewart says that the dozens of hours he’s spent watching college basketball on TV would have been better spent on something consequential to his life, like learning a new job skill or taking a second language or, even better, understanding tough public policy issues like Obamacare. “It’s kind of pathetic,” he says, “Here I’ve been slamming Obamacare for destroying our country and yet I’ve never really looked into it to see what it’s about,” he says. “Maybe before I started heaping all this scorn on it, I should have spent a few hours trying to understand how it works and whether it really does represent a socialist takeover of our country. But, I never did that. Instead, I spent hours upon hours watching basketball games that, in the end, I really couldn’t care less about.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos (modified): bba-tp (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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