Canada: America Without All the Fat People

canadaOTTOWA—An international task force has released a report showing Canada is a lot like the United States only with thinner people and fewer minorities. “Far more than the United States, the people in Canada have kept their waistlines at a reasonable size and, although they’re welcoming to minorities, they haven’t had a sizable influx of blacks and Hispanics, probably because of the cold weather,” says the report, released today.

Canada: More America Than America was commissioned by the United Nations Task Force on North America to provide a detailed assessment of the country.

It’s findings:

  1. Canadians are better educated
  2. They’re employed in more productive industries
  3. They have better access to affordable, quality health care
  4. They spend less time watching sports, except during hockey season
  5. They use guns mainly for hunting
  6. They don’t go around saying everything is blessed

http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B00XLTB2EA/ref=as_li_tl?ie=UTF8&camp=1789&creative=390957&creativeASIN=B00XLTB2EA&linkCode=as2&tag=daily031-20&linkId=YPLXEP4ZX3DLP62A“On the whole, if I were a company executive, I would rather locate my operations in Canada than the United States,” says Nigel Fleming, the report’s lead author. “My employees will be able to do math, they won’t complain as much, and their health will be better. What’s more, I know the roads will be good, safety laws are reasonable, and I face a lower corporate tax rate. In short, I would have to have my head examined to locate my operations in the United States.”

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Healthy, happy Canadians

Not everyone agrees with the findings. “I think what we have here is a lot of cherry-picking of data,” says Liam Baker, one of the 12 task force members to work on the report. “Yes, Canadians are on the whole less obese than Americans, but that’s only because their food is so derivative. Name one culinary innovation you can attribute to Canadians. And, yes, they’re better at math, but that’s only because the Americans have figured out you can get the Asian people to do the math. Why put yourself through that hell when you can farm it out to a whole other part of the world? Who’s the smart one here? And this bit about Canadians watching fewer sports. If hockey was my country’s main sport, I’d be watching something else, too. And don’t forget, in the United States they have beach volleyball.”

The Obama administration says it hasn’t seen the report. “I’m sure it’s a very nice report,” says White House spokesman Josh Earnest, “but unless it tells us how to resolve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, topple Assad from power in Syria, get Dmitry Medvedev back into power in Russia, and put an end to these Benghazi hearings in the House, we don’t have time to read the report on Canada, which I thought was part of our country anyway.”

A United Nations spokesperson says the report is available for free but you have to be able to find which dusty shelf it’s stored on in the U.N. building in New York.

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: tnn and hhc (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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