Drunks Celebrate Guns-in-Bars Law by Shooting One Another

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‘Shot’ glass with that?

ATLANTA—Several drunks at McCabe’s in the Grant Park district here shot each other yesterday after one of the men bought a round of drinks to celebrate the new state law allowing guns in bars. “It’s unfortunate three otherwise good, healthy Americans are dead, but the more important thing is that we have a law in this state that preserves Americans’ liberty to kill themselves and others when they’re drunk,” says Jim Fleming, an electrician in Cabbagetown who was at the bar at the time of the shooting.

“No one likes to see people killed, but neither do people like to see government try to take away our right to have guns where people gather to become intoxicated,” says Elliot Harper, a long-time patron of McCabe’s. “The U.S. Declaration of Independence makes clear that the right to own guns hinges on our need for a well-regulated militia, and you clearly can’t have a well-regulated militia unless people can shoot one another in bars when they’re drunk.”

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Your night to watch terrorists?

Bill Hodges, an insurance salesman who was at McCabe’s at the time of the shooting, says it was the intent of the Founding Fathers of the United States to allow Americans, if they weren’t slaves or immigrants, and if they were Christian, to carry guns in a concealed fashion, including into a bar, because a militia can’t be well-regulated unless you can do that.

“If a Russian walks into a bar looking for a glass of vodka, you need to show him he’s being watched, otherwise your militia isn’t well-regulated,” Hodges says. “Or if there’s a terrorist lighting a shoe bomb in the bathroom of, say, a bar, can you possibly say your militia is well-regulated if you can’t show that towel-head the barrel of your gun? No, of course not.”

Hodges says the Georgia law allowing guns in bars is just the first step in a long march before Americans are truly free to escalate violence in the United States. “Until safety means we’re all armed, we’ll never truly feel safe in this country,” he says. “If we’re not armed, who will be? I can assure you, the terrorist will be armed. He’ll be armed and having a drink at McCabe’s. Especially on Tuesdays, because that’s when McCabe’s has it’s two-drinks-for-the-price-of-one special, at least until 8 p.m. Then the terrorist will probably be armed at The Wagon Wheel.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: ia and j (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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