ATLANTA—Several drunks at McCabe’s in the Grant Park district here shot each other yesterday after one of the men bought a round of drinks to celebrate the new state law allowing guns in bars. “It’s unfortunate three otherwise good, healthy Americans are dead, but the more important thing is that we have a law in this state that preserves Americans’ liberty to kill themselves and others when they’re drunk,” says Jim Fleming, an electrician in Cabbagetown who was at the bar at the time of the shooting.
“No one likes to see people killed, but neither do people like to see government try to take away our right to have guns where people gather to become intoxicated,” says Elliot Harper, a long-time patron of McCabe’s. “The U.S. Declaration of Independence makes clear that the right to own guns hinges on our need for a well-regulated militia, and you clearly can’t have a well-regulated militia unless people can shoot one another in bars when they’re drunk.”
Bill Hodges, an insurance salesman who was at McCabe’s at the time of the shooting, says it was the intent of the Founding Fathers of the United States to allow Americans, if they weren’t slaves or immigrants, and if they were Christian, to carry guns in a concealed fashion, including into a bar, because a militia can’t be well-regulated unless you can do that.
“If a Russian walks into a bar looking for a glass of vodka, you need to show him he’s being watched, otherwise your militia isn’t well-regulated,” Hodges says. “Or if there’s a terrorist lighting a shoe bomb in the bathroom of, say, a bar, can you possibly say your militia is well-regulated if you can’t show that towel-head the barrel of your gun? No, of course not.”
Hodges says the Georgia law allowing guns in bars is just the first step in a long march before Americans are truly free to escalate violence in the United States. “Until safety means we’re all armed, we’ll never truly feel safe in this country,” he says. “If we’re not armed, who will be? I can assure you, the terrorist will be armed. He’ll be armed and having a drink at McCabe’s. Especially on Tuesdays, because that’s when McCabe’s has it’s two-drinks-for-the-price-of-one special, at least until 8 p.m. Then the terrorist will probably be armed at The Wagon Wheel.”
This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: ia and j (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.
“Hi, I’m Omar Mateen, and I just wanted to let you know there’s no better weapon of freedom and liberty then the AR-15. You know, if you ever find yourself in a nightclub full of gays and just want to take ’em all out, the AR-15 is the gun for you. It’s quick loading, has amazing range and accuracy, and each magazine comes with enough bullets to kill many people. And a well-designed barrel site makes it easy to find and shoot your target before he/she has a chance to ‘hit the deck!’ Yes, when you’re deep into a mass shooting, it’s not easy to keep track of all the people you want to kill. But with the AR-15, you have a piece of equipment that removes a lot of the guesswork. Plus, the National Rifle Association says the gun is great for hunting and home security! Not to mention freedom fighting! More.
Wayne LaPierre, the head of the National Rifle Association, said today the United States will never get a handle on its problem with violence until more people get their hands on guns so more people can meet violence with violence. “There simply aren’t enough people with enough firepower to stop the violence,” LaPierre said. His remarks came in the wake of the of the latest random mass shooting in the United States. Yesterday, Omar Mateen used several automatic weapons to kill more than 50 people and wound an equal number at an Orlando, Fla., gay nightclub. “Would so many people be dead if some of the people had been armed in that nightclub?” LaPierre said at his news conference. More.
The U.S. Secret Service has barred guns from the Republican National Convention in Cleveland this summer, dealing a blow to gun rights activists who argued in a petition that they would be “sitting ducks” without the ability to participate in convention events armed. The Secret Service, which has authorization under federal law to permit or ban guns in areas under its protection, said the presence of guns among attendees would make it difficult to secure the convention area. “Individuals determined to be carrying firearms will not be allowed past a predetermined outer perimeter checkpoint, regardless of whether they possess a ticket to the event,” the agency said in a statement. More.
NEW YORK CITY — With rising prosperity around the world, more people each year are becoming addicted to alcohol, and that’s opening up a readership niche DI Publishing hopes to fill with the launch of Today’s Alcoholic, a monthly magazine for people who drink because they have to. “Millions of people are becoming dependent on alcohol each year,” says Brian Cooper, CEO of DI Publishing here. “That’s millions of potential new readers, so we think we’re hitting the sweet spot in publishing with our new title.” Each month, Today’s Alcoholic features practical help for readers on taking control of their addiction. The magazine’s debut issue, for September, features articles on minimizing hangovers, hiding alcohol breath, and finding over-the-counter remedies that can reduce the shakes when one has to be away from alcohol for a long period of time. More.
WASHINGTON—Buoyed by the success of its effort to get “Stand Your Ground” laws passed in states throughout the country, the National Rifle Association today launched a nationwide campaign to get “Not Liking Your Looks” laws passed. “Every day people are terrorized by people who look at them in ways that are menacing or intimidating,” NRA CEO and Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre said at a press conference here. “Americans shouldn’t have to stand for that, not when we have a Constitutional right to own and use guns, because every confrontation starts with a look. Under our reasonable and sensible ‘Not LIking Your Looks” laws, law-abiding Americans can head off dangerous confrontations by firing the first shot and stopping a confrontation before it starts.” More.
FAIRFAX, Va.—A gathering of top scholars among gun rights advocates meeting at the headquarters of the National Rifle Association yesterday remained divided and perplexed by the words “well regulated” in the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. “It’s a term that has always been a mystery to gun rights advocates, but I think we made considerable progress in nailing down what the Founding Fathers of the United States meant by it,” says Leonard Clounts, a constitutional scholar at Sam Houston University in Texas and chair of an NRA task force that’s been asked to forge a policy statement on the meaning of the term. The text of the Second Amendment, as adopted and made part of the Constitution in 1791, reads as follows: “A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.” More.
Thousands of families in cities across the United States today thanked the National Rifle Association for instilling a culture of fear throughout America with its demonization of anyone who talks about regulations to keep automatic weapons out of the hands of criminals and people with a history of mental illness. “It’s with our deepest gratitude that we, families of America, extend our thanks to the National Rifle Association for everything it has done to create ‘communities of fear’ across our great country,” the families said in a statement released today. “Thanks to its resolute stand that families like ours should take our security in our own hands, whether by hiring private security guards or keeping guns under our pillow at night, we live in a growing state of fear and distrust. And that’s something the NRA deserves credit for.” More.
WASHINGTON—The National Rifle Association yesterday filed a lawsuit in U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia seeking a cease-and-desist order against the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence on the grounds that the group’s activities are unconstitutional since gun ownership in the United States is protected by the U.S. Constitution. “Given that the protection of gun ownership is explicit in the U.S. Constitution, any activities to stem gun ownership, and by extension, any groups whose mission is to stem gun ownership, is de facto unconstitutional in the United States,” the NRA says in its lawsuit. The gun-right’s group, based in Fairfax, Va., is seeking class action status of its lawsuit, which, if granted, will outlaw all organizations in the United States whose mission is the regulation of gun ownership. More.
Gun enthusiasts say the millions of guns that flow across the border illegally for use by drug cartels in their war against the Mexican government must stop if mass killers in the U.S. are to reach the success level they’re capable of. “Right now, can an unstable young man in the United States be all that he can be when he’s ready to start spraying random people with bullets? I don’t think so,” says Grit Thorniker, president of the American Alliance for Personal Weapons Rights. “Our gun manufacturers are already operating at maximum capacity. Once more deranged loners come out of the woodwork, will we be able to meet their needs?” More.
WASHINGTON, D.C.–A gun rights activist who thinks anyone who favors gun control of any type is a “socialist elitist who hates America” accidentally shot off his nose yesterday while at a rally here celebrating the second part of the Second Amendment to the United States Constitution. “Nobe ub dis chages my biew dat weal Americans strap guns around der legs,” says John (“J.D.”) Ray, the activist, from his room at George Washington University Hospital in Washington. Doctors treating the activist say they are attempting to reconstruct his nose using tissue from other parts of his body because the accidental point-blank shot left nothing of Ray’s original nose to work with. More.
Thanks to the push to gut gun laws and make it harder to prosecute shooters, maladjusted men who would otherwise be content to stay in their rooms playing violent video games increasingly have the chance to pack heat and show people they don’t like who’s in charge. “I don’t have the guts to actually talk to people, but I don’t need to even try anymore because I can just get me a gun or two and deal with my problems that way,” says Jeremy Flynn, 24, a maladjusted man who nurses a lot of grudges against the world. “I grew up playing video games in which the winners maim or kill more people than others maim or kill, and that was fine for my youth. Now that I’m an adult, I want to take my hatred to the next level. I’m just glad the National Rifle Association has my back, because now I can get all the guns I want and really do my carnage right.” More.