Church-vs-State Battle Brews as GOP Nominates God for President

God (R-Heaven)

God (R-Heaven)

The Republican party has set up a clash of biblical proportions by nominating God to be its presidential candidate in the 2016 U.S. elections. The nomination, which comes unusually early in the election cycle, puts religion at the front of debate by opening up a host of Constitutional questions should God become president.

“Does God’s law supersede Constitutional law? Does His commandments automatically trump Supreme Court rulings? Would the bible replace the Constitution? There are just a lot of unanswered questions this unprecedented moves raises, so we’re really going into unchartered territory,” says Gary Turner, a Constitutional scholar at the University of Chicago.

Reince Priebus, chair of the Republican National Committee, says the GOP took the unusual move of selecting its nominee early because none of the potential 2016 Republican candidates appeared competitive against likely Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton. “We were faced with a stark choice,” says Priebus, “either let the Democrats, with their flawed and misguided agenda, walk away with the election because of Hillary Clinton’s name recognition and the take-no-prisoners election machinery she and her husband have put together, or do we go for broke with someone who not only can go toe-to-toe with her but even, shall we say, smite her? Well, of course we chose to do the latter, so we are definitely playing with our A Team in this election. ”

Chopped liver?

Chopped liver?

Not everyone in the GOP is happy with the selection, which was done outside the normal primary and caucus process. “The emerging field of Republican candidates weren’t competitive with Hillary Clinton? I beg to differ,” says Rand Paul, senator from Kentucky who was widely regarded as the frontrunner for the nomination prior to the surprise naming of God. “Based on our polling and what I was hearing in my travels, the race was shaping up to be not only competitive but quite winnable by our team, because we are reaching a new generation of Republicans and independents. We are seen as the team with new ideas and a new approach, and that compares well to the tired, big-government ideas that the Democrats are offering.”

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Not finished yet

Ted Cruz, Republican senator from Texas who has been a tea party favorite since he came to Washington a few years ago, says there is no better candidate the Republicans could have selected than God, but he would have liked to have had a chance to put his agenda out there to primary voters and caucus voters rather than just hand it over to the Creator of the Universe in a back-room deal that smacks of the old way of doing business. “Do I love and respect God? Of course,” says Cruz. “Would He make a fantastic president? Without question, especially when looked at in contrast to the tax-and-spend liberalism of what the Democrats are offering. But Republican voters deserve to hear other candidates and other ideas as well, and I just wish the party wouldn’t have short-circuited the democratic process in the way they did, and I can tell you I will keep fighting for my ideas.”

Nor is God, should He be elected, going to find everyone on the global stage bowing down to Him in reverence. “Your God is certainly not our God and we have every intention of carrying on our nuclear reactor program for the peaceful generation of power for the Iranian people,” says Iranian President Hassan Rouhani. “Your God would be sadly mistaken if He thinks He can just command us to stop our peaceful weapons-grade enrichment of plutonium for our nuclear reactor program.”

Leaders of many key U.S. allies in Europe are quite tempered in their enthusiasm for the GOP’s choice as well. “This is just one more step the United States is taking toward its transformation into a fundamentalist religious country, which we think is unfortunate given the country’s historic roots in secular government and the example it sets for other countries around the world,” says European Union President José Manuel Barroso.

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Remains confident

It seems the only ones who aren’t worried about God as the GOP’s presidential candidate are the Democrats, who say even the Almighty will have a hard time piecing together the electoral votes needed to beat Clinton. “Hillary Clinton isn’t just another candidate for president,” says DNC Chair Debbie Wasserman Schultz. “She’s Hillary. And even God doesn’t have her polling numbers. No, the Republicans can take a desperate attempt like this to change the dynamic of the 2016 elections, but they seem to have forgotten that they’re not just running against an ordinary candidate; they’re running against Hillary Clinton.”

This is a work of satire. It is fictional news article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: mn and gs (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

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