WASHINGTON—Buoyed by the success of its effort to get “Stand Your Ground” laws passed in states throughout the country, the National Rifle Association today launched a nationwide campaign to get “Not Liking Your Looks” laws passed.
“Every day people are terrorized by people who look at them in ways that are menacing or intimidating,” NRA CEO and Executive Vice President Wayne LaPierre said at a press conference here. “Americans shouldn’t have to stand for that, not when we have a Constitutional right to own and use guns, because every confrontation starts with a look. Under our reasonable and sensible ‘Not LIking Your Looks” laws, law-abiding Americans can head off dangerous confrontations by firing the first shot and stopping a confrontation before it starts.”
“Preemption is an accepted and well-tested doctrine,” says Alfred Peel, NRA general counsel. “The United States as a country applies it internationally as a forward-thinking national security strategy, and law-abiding Americans should have that same strategy available to them without having to defend themselves in court.”
LaPierre said his organization is preparing to spend millions of dollars to get its “Not Liking Your Looks” laws passed in as many states as possible in 2014. He didn’t say how many states he expected to pass the law this year, but he expressed confidence that the laws would be “eagerly embraced” throughout the country, because “it just makes good sense to let people shoot other people when they look at you a certain way.”
Harold Cleaver, a general contractor in Dallas, says you can tell when someone doesn’t like you by the way they look at you, so being able to pull out your gun and point the barrel at that person puts the situation under your control. “Suddenly, that person isn’t looking at you in that intimidating way anymore, is he?” says Cleaver. “That’s because this law puts the Constitution on your side.”
Passage of the law by states is already generating considerable opposition, though. “‘Not Liking Your Looks’ laws are really pushing the boundaries of the Second Amendment,” says Barry Lorne, attorney with the American Civil LIberties Union. “It’s not at all clear that the Constitution gives you the right to shoot someone because you don’t like the way they look at you. Of course, once states started passing ‘Stand Your Ground’ laws , this was the inevitable next step. It’s unfortunate, but no one should be surprised that gun lobbyists are now trying to push guns even further onto the streets. We will certainly push back hard against this.”
Taylor Bodkins, a cocktail waitrss at The Peg Lounge in Pittsburgh, says she’s concerned that shootings could become commonplace at bars under “Not Liking Your Looks” laws, because “when people drink, they’re always looking at each other cross-eyed. Putting guns into their hands just makes typical drunken confrontations more dangerous.”
But LaPierre says the issue isn’t guns but poor parenting. “Children who grow up in homes where the parenting is good don’t give people menacing looks even when they’re drunk,” he says. “It goes back to fundamental issues in our society. Bad parents let their kids play violent video games, so naturally they’re going to be trigger happy when they’re in a tense confrontation, because they haven’t developed the coping skills that children in good homes have. So, by saying drunks will be shooting each other left and right is really just a way to divert attention away from the real problem. Guns are the victim here.”
Already lawmakers in Oklahoma and Kansas have introduced the NRA bills in their state legislatures, so it could be very soon before the law is tested in the real world. “Within a year, giving people a dirty look will be a no-no in this country,” says LaPierre. “Step by step, law-abiding Americans are taking their country back.”
This is a work of satire. It is a fictional article not meant to be taken seriously. Photo composite: pd (modified, Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of image.
News reports are saying something about another mass shooting somewhere, Kansas, I think, and people were killed and the shooter had some issues and he was at a factory or maybe he was driving a cab or was at a community college or whatever and blah, blah, blah. A report says Iowa lawmakers passed legislation to let kids carry guns in public and that’s good because kids are known for taking reasoned approaches to conflict and it will be good they will be armed in case the security of our free state is at risk and hopefully the NRA will write similar legislation for other states to pass and blah, blah, blah. More.
WASHINGTON—The National Rifle Association today staged a protest outside the U.S. Department of Transportation here against that agency’s ban on privately owned military assult-styled vehicles on federally funded highways. “It looks like Barack Hussein Obama wants to make sure only the government has the right to bear arms when those arms are attached to motorized vehicles,” NRA President Wayne LaPierre said at the protest, which involved blocking Constitution Ave. with dozens of privately owned vehicles adapted to accommodate military-styled automatic weapons, including several with grenade launchers. “Well, the U.S. Constitution makes clear that guns don’t have to be carried on one’s person for us to enjoy the freedom to have them. Just because they’re mounted on vehicles doesn’t make us any less free to carry our guns.” More.
ATLANTA—Several drunks at McCabe’s in the Grant Park district here shot each other yesterday after one of the men bought a round of drinks to celebrate the new state law allowing guns in bars. “It’s unfortunate three otherwise good, healthy Americans are dead, but the more important thing is that we have a law in this state that preserves Americans’ liberty to kill themselves and others when they’re drunk,” says Jim Fleming, an electrician in Cabbagetown who was at the bar at the time of the shooting. “No one likes to see people killed, but neither do people like to see government try to take away our right to have guns where people gather to become intoxicated,” says Elliot Harper, a long-time patron of McCabe’s. “The U.S. Declaration of Independence makes clear that the right to own guns hinges on our need for a well-regulated militia, and you clearly can’t have a well-regulated militia unless people can shoot one another in bars when they’re drunk.” More.
Religious people the world over are sick and tired of people who don’t believe in God picking on the all-knowing, all-powerful Creator of the Universe. “What did He ever do to you?” says Sandra Borden, 54, an administrative assistant at Safe-T One Auto Insurance in Lexington, Ky. “Can’t you pick on someone else? Leave God alone!” Like many other religious people, Borden says that God, as the Creator of the World, can smite anyone He wants to and cause all kinds of duress for people, like he did to Job in the Bible. For that reason, atheists and other non-believers should just watch it. “He can rain down on you all the pestilence He wants,” she says. More.
FAIRFAX, Va.—A gathering of top scholars among gun rights advocates meeting at the headquarters of the National Rifle Association yesterday remained divided and perplexed by the words “well regulated” in the Second Amendment to the U.S. Constitution. “It’s a term that has always been a mystery to gun rights advocates, but I think we made considerable progress in nailing down what the Founding Fathers of the United States meant by it,” says Leonard Clounts, a constitutional scholar at Sam Houston University in Texas and chair of an NRA task force that’s been asked to forge a policy statement on the meaning of the term. The text of the Second Amendment, as adopted and made part of the Constitution in 1791, reads as follows: “A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.” More.
Thousands of families in cities across the United States today thanked the National Rifle Association for instilling a culture of fear throughout America with its demonization of anyone who talks about regulations to keep automatic weapons out of the hands of criminals and people with a history of mental illness. “It’s with our deepest gratitude that we, families of America, extend our thanks to the National Rifle Association for everything it has done to create ‘communities of fear’ across our great country,” the families said in a statement released today. “Thanks to its resolute stand that families like ours should take our security in our own hands, whether by hiring private security guards or keeping guns under our pillow at night, we live in a growing state of fear and distrust. And that’s something the NRA deserves credit for.” More.
WASHINGTON—The National Rifle Association yesterday filed a lawsuit in U.S. District Court for the District of Columbia seeking a cease-and-desist order against the Brady Campaign to Prevent Gun Violence on the grounds that the group’s activities are unconstitutional since gun ownership in the United States is protected by the U.S. Constitution. “Given that the protection of gun ownership is explicit in the U.S. Constitution, any activities to stem gun ownership, and by extension, any groups whose mission is to stem gun ownership, is de facto unconstitutional in the United States,” the NRA says in its lawsuit. The gun-right’s group, based in Fairfax, Va., is seeking class action status of its lawsuit, which, if granted, will outlaw all organizations in the United States whose mission is the regulation of gun ownership. More.
Gun enthusiasts say the millions of guns that flow across the border illegally for use by drug cartels in their war against the Mexican government must stop if mass killers in the U.S. are to reach the success level they’re capable of. “Right now, can an unstable young man in the United States be all that he can be when he’s ready to start spraying random people with bullets? I don’t think so,” says Grit Thorniker, president of the American Alliance for Personal Weapons Rights. “Our gun manufacturers are already operating at maximum capacity. Once more deranged loners come out of the woodwork, will we be able to meet their needs?” More.
GOTHAM CITY—Several of America’s greatest superheroes, including Superman and Spider-Man, say they “feel dumb” wearing tights and other “design affectations” like capes and masks and have agreed among themselves to stop doing it. “I’ve never been comfortable flying in my tights,” says Superman, also known as the man of steel. “I started wearing the costume in the late 1930s because I needed to protect my identity. But I also needed to convey a sense of separateness, otherwise people would constantly come to me and say they want to stop trains and out-run bullets. But the world has changed. Today, we have smartphones and tablets. People have moved on. What’s important today is authenticity.” More.