No Gays in Iran, U.N. Report Concludes

Gay-free zone

Gay-free zone

After seven years of investigation, a United Nations team of researchers has concluded that Iran does not have homosexuals, as former Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad asserted at Columbia University in 2007.

In his statement seven years ago, while he was speaking in New York City, Ahmadinejad told his audience of mostly students and faculty that “In Iran we don’t have homosexuals like in your country. We do not have this phenomenon. I do not know who has told you we have it.”

Last laugh?

Last laugh?

At the time, the comment elicited laughter and some boos among the 700 people in the audience. But according to the U.N. team that has just delivered its comprehensive report to U.N. Secretary-General Ban Ki-moon, Iran in fact has no homosexuals. “The Islamic Republic of Iran, with its population of approximately 71 million living in an area encompassing approximately 636 square miles, does not have any men or women whose orientation is same-sex,” concludes the report, called “Sexual Orientation Matrix of the People of the Islamic Republic of Iran.”

The team was dispatched to Iran shortly after Ahmadinejad made his remarks. Since then, it has interviewed thousands of men and women, analyzed hundreds of medical, court, and other records, and conducted tests designed to identify a person’s sexual orientation.

“It is not the result we expected to find,” says Fadil Eleftheriou, who led the research team and is chief author of the report. “Of course, we all tried to go into this assignment with no bias one way or the other, but I believe we expected to find homosexuality in the country, as it appears to be something that exists in other countries. But much to our surprise, homosexuality simply has not taken root in Iran.”

Evidence suggests the lack of a Bedouin tradition in Iran might contribute to the absence of homosexuality in the country. Bedouin, a desert nomadic tradition, is found among all of Iran’s Arab neighbors. “The nomadic dwelling lifestyle that was so common in the Middle East for centuries was never an aspect of Persian culture,” said Eleftheriou. “We have concluded that, because Persians have no history of riding camels, setting up and sleeping in colorful tents, and generally living the nomadic lifestyle, they did not develop a taste for same-sex relationships. Now, whether this is biological or even cultural, that is for scientists to determine. Our brief was not to do the work of scientists but simply to report on what we found.

Abbas Hemmati, a bank clerk in Tehran, said everyone in Iran knows there are no homosexuals, so he and others were surprised that their former leader was ridiculed when he made that speech in New York. “Of course, the decadent Americans would laugh at such a statement and show disrespect to our president, but who is laughing now?” he said. “America is full of gays because it is a debauched country with men who act like girls and girls who show no gratitude for the sacrifices men make on their behalf. But here, men know who men are and women know their place.”

Another Tehran resident, Borna Fallahi, said he couldn’t imagine being next to another man who might look at him with sexual desire. “To think a man of my gender might see me as an object of desire is something I just cannot imagine,” he said. “It is the fortune of all the men in Iran that we do not have to worry about that. And of course the same can be said of women. That is why I will never go to New York City or any city in the debauched West, because I do not want another man to look at me with what you might call bedroom eyes. Here, I know I am safe. It is like being in a closet where I know I can be free, and to go to a place like New York City would require me to come out of the closet, if you will. And I would never do that. Not on my life.”

Eleftheriou said that U.N. Secretary-General Ban has asked him and his team to stay in Iran and embark on a new research project, to test the validity of Ahmadinejad’s claim that the Holocaust never occurred.

This is a work of satire. It is a fictional article not meant to be taken seriously. Photos: dh and sw (Creative Commons). Not necessarily an endorsed use of images.

More stories:

Saddam Hussein: ‘Hah! I Had a 111% Approval Rating!’


Former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein came back from the dead today to throw some shade at Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump for praising the 82 percent approval rating of Russian president Vlaidmir Putin. “Eighty-two percent! I snort at that!” said Hussein, who was executed by the Federal Government of Iraq in 2006, when he was 69. “My Revolutionary Command Council would have had a good laugh if I had run my country as a strongman with only an 82 percent approval, I can tell you that, my friend!” Hussein said a strong leader should never have anything under 100 percent approval, and he pointed to his impressive 111 percent approval rating when he asked his people in a poll what they thought of his job performance in 2003, shortly before an international coalition of forces invaded his country and forced him into hiding. “I am not a sentimental person, but I shed a tear at the love of my people on that day,” said Hussein. More.

N.C. Bathroom Policeman: ‘I’m Doing It for the Girls’

brIn an exclusive Q&A, Tim Peters, the man selected to patrol public bathrooms in North Carolina under the state’s new anti-LGBT bathroom law, sits down with The Nattering Nabobs to talk about why he’s the man for the job. The Nattering Nabobs: You’ve been a policeman since 1992. Why did you throw your hat into the ring when the state was looking for a bathroom monitor? Not only is the law controversial, but you have to spend your days in bathrooms. Tim Peters: I’m doing it for the girls. When they go to the bathroom, they should be able to pull up their dresses and pull down their panties without any other man being in the bathroom. More.

Desert Goat Herders say They Have the One, True God

primetribe of nomadic goat herders from a remote desert region say their jealous, spiteful, and misogynist God is the one true God for all the universe and for all time even though He might seem an odd fit for today’s world. “I know it is hard for you in the technologically advanced West to believe that you should be ruled by our God, who had nothing to say to anyone in the world until He chose to speak to our ancestors 2,000 years ago. But that is the fact of the matter,” says Lazarus Ben-ammi, leader of a tribe of desert goat herders who claim a direct line with God. The tribe is in New York City on the first stop of a world tour in which they explain why theirs is the one true God of all the universe. More.

U.N. Passes Resolution Blaming U.S. for Everything


Saying “it just makes sense,” delegates from around the world overwhelmingly passed a resolution blaming all of the world’s woes on the United States. “Whereas the United States continues to have, albeit barely, the largest economy in the world, and
“Whereas the United States makes a lot of mistakes that everyone in the world knows about, and
“Whereas the United States has been involved in some capacity in all regions of the world for several decades, and
“Whereas the United States is in a state of decline and is clearly failing in all respects,
“We hereby resolve to levy blame for everything that is wrong in the world today on the United States of America. Happy New Year.” The vote was devastatingly lopsided, with delegates from 156 countries voting in favor and only one, the United Kingdom, voting against. Two countries, Canada and Israel, abstained. More.

Church-vs.-State Battle Brews as GOP Nominates God for President

God (R-Heaven)

The Republican party has set up a clash of biblical proportions by nominating God to be its presidential candidate in the 2016 U.S. elections. The nomination, which comes unusually early in the election cycle, puts religion at the front of debate by opening up a host of Constitutional questions should God become president. “Does God’s law supersede Constitutional law? Does His commandments automatically trump Supreme Court rulings? Would the bible replace the Constitution? There are just a lot of unanswered questions this unprecedented moves raises, so we’re really going into unchartered territory,” says Gary Turner, a Constitutional scholar at the University of Chicago. More.

Canada Seeks to Surpass U.S. in Crime, Drugs, Obesity

OTTAWA—Tired of always playing second fiddle to its bigger southern neighbor, the government of Canada has laid out a set of 10 areas in which it wants to overtake the United States within five years:

cheer1. Violent crime
2. Illegal drug use
3. Prescription drug abuse
4. Teenage pregnancies
5. Obesity
6. Preventable diseases
7. Obsolete infrastructure
8. Declining academic performance
9. Short-term corporate thinking
10. Religious fundamentalism

“We’re not just about hockey and maple syrup,” says Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper. More.

China Offers to Buy America’s Debt for 30 Cents on the Dollar

Lou Jiwei

WASHINGTON—The Chinese government has reached out to the Obama administration with a proposal to buy the country’s debt of more than $17 trillion if the government would take about $5 trillion for it. “We are offering the U.S. government an opportunity to get our from under its heavy debt load, restructure its finances, and move on to a new period of prosperity,” said China’s Minister of Finance Lou Jiwei. “We say at the outset that we cannot offer less than this discount of 70 percent, because the American government has threatened to default several times in the last three years.” Lou said the Chinese government would also require that all American companies doing business in China work in partnership with Chinese companies, which would include the sharing of proprietary trade and technological intelligence. “Of course, the prohibition on Chinese companies sharing trade and technological intelligence with American partners would remain in place, as it must,” said Lou. More.

ISBN Number From the Original Bible Discovered

greeneconnections/9416210247Special to The Guardian. In a find that stunned the world of religion, archaeologists digging in a remote region of the Sinai desert discovered what is believed to be the original Holy Bible from more than 2,000 years ago with its International Standard Book Publishing (ISBN) code still intact. “This is an almost unbelievable discovery,” says Alfred Pottersmith, lead curator of Middle East artifacts at the British Museum in London. “To think we could be holding in our hands the original bible from God’s disciples is humbling beyond words.” What gives archaeologists confidence the bible is the original Word of God, first edition, is the presence of the internationally recognized 9-digit numeric commercial book identifier code known as the ISBN code. More.